This week I have felt really tired and have longed to fall asleep in her arms. It’s been an unobtainable dream of mine for a while now.
Updated: Match 2018 – Image
Hard Rock
Hard rock is a loosely defined subgenre of rock music that began in the mid-1960s, with the garage, psychedelic and blues rock movements. It is typified by a heavy use of aggressive vocals, distorted electric guitars, bass guitar, drums, and often accompanied with keyboards.
When everything else disappeared
The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed. Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life. That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation. It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday. In my opinion, I handled it very well. That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well. The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up. I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.
In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it. With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life. In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years. Since then, I have been promoted at work. I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with. I feel that way anyway. It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.
When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left. I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to. My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way. I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things. My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why. Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic. There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel. They see my face when I talk to her. My attempt to smile as she leaves. It’s nice when someone actually understands you. It seems to be so rare lately.
While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:
Where the fuck were you?
My favorite song, listened to only on the rarest of occasions…
They’re talkin’ about you and it’s bringin’ me down
Today, I heard this song on the radio… and it took me back to the day my sister and niece saw her at walmart when she was buying her bike. The look on my sister’s face when she was talking to me about it said… “Sis.. believe what you want, but your lady is bi.. and with a guy.” Why couldn’t she have been wrong.. just this once.
I often wonder if I am convincingly over her.. but I am sure she sees right through it. It’s one of those things when you are glad people can see right through you, but at least your trying.
I just want something I can never have
I left a concert once because I was feeling sick, the next act was Flyleaf, but I didn’t know who they were. I saw Kill Hannah, a band that is probably not around anymore. This morning when I was looking for a song to listen to, I stumbled upon this gem. It reminded me of the time I missed out on seeing a bad ass show by taking the easy way out.. I’m not sure why I think that’s pretty relivant. I guess it’s one of the small things that I’ve always regretted. I prefer the Trent Reznor version, but she’s easy on the eyes.
You held your breathe and the door for me
Today I got the biggest surprise, and loved every minute of it. Even if I did keep talking and say everything that came to mind without filter, whatever, that’s me. Tonight I am listening to a lot happier music than normally. Ani Difranco isn’t specifically sad but it discusses political issues, even subtily that are just too real and tend to get me down.
Tonight I listen to this song and think about her. I feel like a pompous ass when I hear a song and it reminds me of someone, because I could see them saying those words to me.. I feel like it should usually be the opposite.. but I am pretty fond of myself, even if I fake otherwise well…