Today, I decided to choose a song in a more random fashion. I can’t say I picked the first one that I heard, but I picked the first one that I liked. I completely intended on coming home and rollerblading on this smooth blacktop since I really haven’t yet. I have not moved on to that next fun exercise yet, because I don’t really want to fall on my ass and I am not putting anything more than a helmet on for protection. It’s really not that bad but suddenly no one is home and I decided its less than safe – and I like safety. Maybe I don’t like safety, but I play it safe because I prefer not to get hurt. It’s a boring life that I live – I am working on that.
Tomorrow is a day that I fear will take away my best friend, and it is such a ridiculous fear that I even know there is no evidence that shows that anything of the sort could happen – but it happened last year and for some reason, I believe that’s significant. Most people would be irritated that I even knew that. Today, my ex (Madd) asked said, “Please tell me that you don’t send her texts professing your love to her.” With an embarrassed for me undertone. I paused, laughed and said – not currently, I don’t think… she’s very aware. When I saw MLE last, she had a few questions of her own. I couldn’t tell you what they were or how I answered but in the end, she said, “Good, so you are leaving her alone – I am proud of you.” Then I confessed to the fact that might be up to interpretation and depend on what you’d consider bothering her.. but MLE was still proud and said that I had grown up a lot, but I am quite sure that even she has seen me grow up plenty – much due to trying to do what’s right. So desperately so.
This is the first time that I have ever considered how my actions, typically emotional outbursts – if you ask the professionals, affect others. There was this day, I remember where I was standing, I remember how hard it hit me and I hope that I have never made her feel the same way again. We had just met, I had a much younger and immature perspective on relationships and fear brought out the worst in me. She had gone to SB to go fishing and I really couldn’t tell you what lead up to it but I am sure I called her way too many times and when she answered – who knows what I said – but she responded perfectly and made sure that I knew how much the way I was acting affected her. It stopped me in my tracks. I never forgot that moment but I hope that I have never done that again.
I just realized that I still have not picked a song nor mentioned my method. Usually its a song that has spoken to me throughout that day, but I only listened to the Out of Range album by Ani Difranco today because it’s the 25th anniversary of its release but nothing stood out to me so I am going to throw it back 15 years and add a few more options in there. I used to explore my music by downloading a ton of music, loading it all into WMP and then shuffling it all. Today, I will do the same. When going to press play, I realized it is still trying to add all of my songs as I have not loaded my music directory into WMP.
The fact of the matter is that I used to be really jealous, clingy and controlling and I have come to believe that it is due to my fear, ultimately losing someone that I consider so close and special to me. The more I get knocked down and find a way to get back up – I seem less scared. It doesn’t mean that I am not, but less is better in this situation.
The more I think about 7/27, the more I realize that I seem to know exactly where I was when I received that text too. I was walking on the square for some reason – probably on my lunch break asking her if she wanted to me. At the time I had moved to Kyle and she had just gotten back from out of state. Since I had no where to go on my lunch break without living locally, I started inviting her out and we had several lovely lunches together. There’s a well defined patter at this point and I felt like I should have seen it coming. If something is too good to be true, brace yourself – because it is, and I’ve already given my damn hopes up because I live with my head in the clouds day dreaming my days away while preforming mindless tasks to keep reality flowing.
I responded as casually as I could without showing that I was devastated. It was easy to convince myself at the time that it was just every other time and remind myself that it was possible she could see me. There’s no need to cry in public. I always save that for later. The days turned into months and soon I questioned what publicity stunt I was going to pull off to get her attention. I have always buried every comical idea I have had, because I know initially she would hate it – but deep day, I tell myself.. its endearing. Some day my endeering is going to get shot. Maybe I should spray paint something cryptic on the street at the intersection that we met at; it just so happens to be an intersection that we both probably pass often. Maybe I should spend an entire day people watching at the tables outside of the bakery… but that one just didn’t seem to do the trick – modern people make romantic things seem creepy so I would have to move on past that one.
I kept it more my style – radical honesty. Stumble upon something I shouldn’t online – tell her immediately, via email of course. How else are nerds expected to communicate? That all started when I was leaving my friend’s house one day and I caught the darkness permeating from her house. I couldn’t help but glance over and it was completely dark, I had never missed a blue glow so much. My heart raced. I was afraid I would never see her again – but in that moment, I felt like such a small child, I can’t explain it. The panic that sets in when you realize you are moving across the country and leaving everything behind, unwillingly. I think it was the lack of control in the situation that gave me such a helpless feeling.
It took days before I realized that the house was actually empty but I had a sense of faith to me. Eventually I ended up on google. What else are you supposed to do when you have a mystery to solve? I was surprised how easily her name came up but then again, I know her middle name and how to use a computer – so I believed what I read and thought she left the state.
In the end, I was lucky enough to have her in my life again – but I am so afraid of causing her to leave again and struggling with the fear of regret. Will I find the right balance?
Windows Media Played choose “I Remember You” by The Ataris but I couldn’t handle listening to that one so I decided to take it back a few years. It seemed appropriate. Now my choice in music but my brother loves it.
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