Folk rock is a hybrid music genre combining elements of folk music and rock music, which arose in the United States and the United Kingdom in the mid-1960s. In the U.S., folk rock emerged from the folk music revival and the influence that the Beatles and other British Invasion bands had on members of that movement.
Once upon a time thoughts of you
Are picketing my brain
They refuse to work
Such long hours without rest
In unstable conditions at best
They’re out there every day
Holding up there signs
And thoughts of no other man but you
Could possibly get through
The picket lines to enter into my mind
Listening to the songs below just remind me of the days that I longed to be in love. I couldn’t wait until these songs meant more to me and now, I am deathly afraid of it, so much so, that I have grown complacent and have no desire to talk to others. Throwing me into a room full of men and a butch lesbian and a ghetto 50 year old married woman was a cruel and unusual punishment, but it will ensure that I do not fall victim to whatever manipulator roles up into the local phone company. I have so many mixed feelings that I feel awful saying, but I fell in love with the young kids soon – and I an afraid that was the plan all along.
Anyone would be mad at how many Melissa Etheridge cruises I could have gone on if I wasn’t supporting so many people. Somehow there is always a leach and I feel like it is getting painfully obvious.
I feel like my brother is feeling guilty for his mental state and dependency on me so he is leaving to Seattle and I can only support him and hope he makes good decisions. I am going to make sure he gets a roommate place when he gets there and pay for the first month and I sure as hell hope he can take it from there because a room for rent up in Seattle is $700 and if I am paying for rent in Seattle, it is going to be real painful to pay my rent here too. Then there is my ex and the kids – they should be leaving by July 25th, because from what I understand there is someone waiting to move in there. That will be a relief and a stressed too. I will be worried about my minor and adult children as they are out of site, but that’s fine really. I need a damn break.
I have talked to the person that recorded this a few times online. She talked to me about my Melissa Etheridge videos from New Braunfels, but I have started to notice that she has thousands of videos. She is clearly no amateur. I want to ask her what she does but I am not that assertive. I couldn’t even bring myself to send it to her, I only mentioned it as casually as possible. The truth is, when I stumbled across it, I felt my pulse accelerate until I could feel my heart beat in my throat. Due to currently technology, my brain deiced to measure it, because math and history – well, 120 bpm is how this recording makes me feel even though the sound quality is tricky. It’s on a cruise ship, think about the limitations.
I shall now refer to Bishop as the great divide.. not really but tonight I will.
When I was younger and started to listen to what I would call Lesbian Music despite the fact that many were not lesbians at all, I meant wymen rock or something – I don’t know the correct term but I have seen it come up in Ani Difranco’s book, however the other term seems more derogatory to me – this isnt the WNBA here, these are international rock stars.
This is the first time I have listened to these songs in the last 6+ years… I am sorry that they mean so much to me. I guess this is what sorry – not sorry means.. I really can’t put into words how listening to these songs feels and I know that I shouldn’t – so there’s that.
What is San Francisco like this time of year? Are pitbulls welcome?
I had a pretty emotional week, both good and sad. I helped Emily go through her late fathers things. I don’t think that she made it very far – it was really hard on her. Yesterday when I was seeing what she was up to, she said she had to take care of a few things in Austin, and then I realized my ex was marrying her friend – so I am sure that is where she was, just didn’t think she could tell me.
I have also really been keeping my distance from my ex but with that comes the desire to cuddle with someone or be sweet and close. I never really miss sex specifically but I miss intimacy and I have no desire to meet anyone so that’s a disappointing feeling.
And this is the first time I have seen the clip, but I had been told in the past that after you ‘concert’ so many women, you get a toaster over. In that joke, I don’t think whoever was saying it realized I don’t convert anyone.. I just sleep with straight women and get my heart broken. I am almost tired of this preference by now. I still believes that she has always identified as lesbian.. I just wish I was the lesbian she identified with..
It’s not every day that I hear a new Melissa Etheridge song – she’s like my fuckin’ idol.
I feel like there was just an Eminem reference in regards to Melissa Etheridge and there’s just something wrong about that.
The Internet thought I needed a few new songs in my playlist.
But if you break down
I’ll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I’ll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don’t come easy
The most interesting thing about this post is that I have never heard these songs before, listened to them back to back and didn’t plan them at all. YouTube Conspiracy.
Correct me when I’m wrong. Point me in the right direction, I will listen.
It didn’t stop there. I paused this video 55 seconds because I don’t appreciate the way that these songs are talking to me. I wish that I were more confident in… something. I am not used to being so confused about my feelings that I am quite sure about. I guess, I don’t know what’s welcomed, expected or okay. More-so I am concerned that I should be concerned – its all a perplexing feeling I have had for a while.
It would be great if I wasn’t the most awkward person ever.
I have only been awake for a few hours and today has been quite interesting. For self preservation reasons, I turned my ringer and all volume off so that I could enjoy my last few days of not having a job. Around 2 pm she comes calling my name at my window.. she’s not who I wanted to come to my window. It was the neighbor / ex saying she has been trying to call me. She asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her.
As I was in the restroom, the 4 year old came banging on my front door. My brother started yelling because he thinks she takes complete advantage of me and he’s tired of it. I didn’t have a shirt on and I was on the toilet, so I yelled to Harley to let her in. I don’t think that she delivered the message that she came to deliver due to all of that excitement.
Moments before this – her mom was chasing the cat that had gotten out and fell. Apparently she couldn’t get up on her own. She gets a bit dramatic but what do I know. I called to complain about her sending her kid to my house and she was screaming in pain so I ran over there. I questioned if it was to get attention because she knows where I went yesterday and she has acted a bit jealous but why would I care. I am clear that she is just my friend but she teases and – well, knows me.
I helped her get up and calm down and then we went to go get food after her oldest got off of the bus. He wanted to go to Olive Garden, so I have to have an economics lesson with him. He started to throw a fit so I threatened to never go to Olive Garden again. Damn I am such a mean non parent. I offered up Chuy’s and then Maddie suggested Blaze Pizza. Since the 8 year old was throwing a fit, I asked the 4 year old where she wanted to go. We ended up going to Blaze. I parked across from the steps and she claimed I was trying to kill her because the walk was an extra 100 ft, so she pointed out an empty spot in front.
I don’t know how the world does these things happen to me, but it was pretty much like when my friend’s friend wanted to wait for the shuttle bus at the NIN concert and made me wait there forever just to turn around at the wrong time.
I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking about or what we we were talking about, but I can tell you that I looked up – saw her smiling at me and panicked.. just a little. Of course, I felt the need to yell out, “Omg That’s M and her boyfriend…” you know, because that is the mature, adult thing to do. Then I proceeded to try to get the kid out and act like I didn’t know them, though that felt rude as hell, I thought it was the correct thing to do. The kid had conveniently taken her shoes off and I couldn’t function to save my life. Trying to get those toddler shoes on seemed to take forever. Then I realized I was standing in their way, but it was way too late to fix that. I could only hope that she was giggling to herself and slightly amused.
Then of course, I get lost in my own thoughts. We walk inside and Maddie is asking me a million questions like, “do you want to split a pizza. What do you want on your pizza?” The kids think the railing is a monkey bar and that drives me fucking nuts. I’m over here like, ‘oh shit, she saw me with my ex – I hope she doesn’t think anything crazy..’ like anyone would ever care what I do, but I like to think so. I through our a few answers. She laughed at me and said I was dumb.. but I knew that and totally agreed at that moment. The worst part was feeling like I shouldn’t say hi to my favorite person in the world. No one taught me how to react in that situation.
We ate lunch. She kept talking about it and asking me questions and making snide remarks that I just ignored.
I feel like it went something like: So that’s M. Exchanged comments about thinking she was on my FB as I explained she didn’t have one as far as I knew. Maybe she had seen it in the past but I never gave her the satisfaction of confirming that. She asked why I was so hung up with her. I said I didn’t know, maybe I was supposed to say I am not. I followed that by saying she is just a really good friend and I enjoy spending time with her because she isn’t like most people I know. She just looked at me weird.
She’s like my mom in the way that she will use anything that she has ever heard against you in the right moment. She was acting nice in this conversation, but I knew she was using it to insult me. By the way she was talking, I could tell that she.. I don’t even know, thought there was a lot more going on that there is. I guess she doesn’t believe that I can actually just have close friends. Or maybe she knows that I can’t help but smile when I think about her…
I am quite framiliar with feeling embarrassed when it comes to her, but why did I have to drive up that very second. I am glad that we saw each other yesterday and that she smiled at me – because I am just so weird. I don’t act this way around anyone else.
When I was watching the news today, I saw coverage on a fatal shooting that happened out in Hills of Hays. I guess it’s a pretty big deal – but the news clip reminded me about what exactly I feared. The clip was talking about warning signs of domestic violence and I am sure part if it goes along with caring about her so much and wanting the best for her, but I have always feared that I would ignore obvious red flags just because I didn’t want to be too pushy or over step anything. I remind myself that I could be paranoid because of the way I grew up with my parents. My dad was subject to physical, emotional and mental abuse for as long as I can remember. He kept trying to help my mom because he loved her and she was his kids’ mother. I had not been around that type of manipulation in a long time, so I forgot what it was like until Maddie started treating me like I owed her everything and she could tell me what I could and couldn’t do. It just made it all so much more real for me. I realized that as much as I said I would never let anyone tell me what to do – there I was, following orders even though I didn’t agree. Everyone would tell me to get the fuck out and I knew that I needed to but it wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t that easy at all. The harder it was for me and honestly, I am not completely free from it yet but I am trying really hard to distance myself as much as possible until she moves, but it made me realize that it could happen to anyone and that my fears weren’t that far fetched. A few people really sat me down and talked to me about things when they observed concerning behaviors and it helped me some. It really took her behavior with this other girl to finally upset me enough to not want to be part of any of it at all. I don’t know why I am rambling on at this point but it’s important to me to say that I can handle anything and I’m not scared – ultimately. I cherish our friendship.
Here’s a random cute song to counteract that.
‘
How and why would the YouTube play a song like this next:
If I were tough, these songs would not frequent my playlist.
And one of my favorite songs of all time
And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
I’ve developed a habit of staying up all night and sleeping all day, as if I was on summer vacation. The ex has developed a habit of calling me, waking me up and asking me for something ridiculous. Today – I said no.
Since I was woken up and asked a question, I was a bit confused. I thought she was telling me that her son (8) was home alone and wanted to go play, but I had to be aware to check on him and she was asking if I would. I said no, I’m sleeping and went back to sleep. This was at 1:15 PM. There’s something that makes me feel really bad to saying no to something I am physically capable of doing, soon enough, I couldn’t sleep anymore and got up by 2. I texted her and told her that he could go play outside because I was awake. Little did I know, she was either home or bringing him home to stay alone (with me next door) and somehow through the next exchange of messages that came out. After minutes of being awake – I knew that I didn’t want to be here anymore. There is a lot going on with my brother and it’s intense. Everyone else is silent or asleep here and I owe LMC a little money, so I ask the ex when she will be back because I want to go to Lisa’s. She says they are going to Austin and it will be a few hours and not to leave him alone for more than an hour at a time. This is where it starts to feel like I am watching her kid for her and she treats me like complete shit, so I was not willing to do that. She already called me at 9 something this morning asking me to go sit with her kids while she went to go get sodas. When I got there her 4 year old asked me to make her food, if that tells you anything about how much I do for the kids. Why couldn’t her mom had made her food?
I asked her to get me a soda while she was out, because I thought it would make me feel better about doing things for her.
When I went back to bed, I had a hard time falling asleep right away. I laid there and thought about this one time that M and I met at Jo’s. That day was the first time I saw her after she got back from out of state. She had left right before I met Maddison. When she returned, I felt like I had so much explaining to do. I knew that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.. but I really did. I had been completely in love with her for 3 years, she leaves, returns and I had a girlfriend.. that I hated, but I am not sure if that point came across. I think I was able to at least express that much to her. I needed her to know that I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend, had no interest in her and had a very inactive sex life – which took effort, but I blamed my medicine and distanced myself. When I saw her, I got so nervous/excited, I have no idea what I said that day. I can tell you what table we sat at. I can tell you that my back was to the wall and hers was to the counter. We normally didn’t sit over in that little area, but today we did. I feel like she could see through my eyes to what I was trying to express and I feel like she understood more than anyone would and accepted that I did what I did for whatever reason I did it, and I don;t think she was worried at all. I wondered if she still knew that she was everything that I had ever wanted.. but could never ask.
I have always tried to respect her situation – and I don’t know why – but I can’t refer to it as anything other than that. I’ve never wanted to make anything worse for her. There has been things that she has said that have sunk deep into my heart. I have beat myself up for not being more assertive and asking more questions. When I think about an example of what I am talking about, the first thing that comes to mind is – I don’t even know when we were having this conversation – but she said that her parents would not have even noticed if she had been kidnapped. We had been talking about when she left home. It always made me feel uneasy to think about. She looked down and her tone changed in a way that told me this was significant, but I felt like she didn’t want me to ask, so I never did. It’s strange to me that I can be so shy with her yet so incredibly open. In the end, I always feel very protective of her and the rest just gets complicated in my head. Watching my brother breakdown has made me question my sanity a time of two, but luckily. I have her in my life and she is always there just in time.
This song popped up and I have not heard it before. I am going to leave this here.
I wanted to talk about something very specific and forgot it when my dad showed up. I need to reread this and see if it comes back to me. For now, I suppose this is all.
This morning, my dog woke me up, I noticed my phone was glowing so I went to look at it. I had 6 missed called and 2 missed facebook calls. It was 7:00 AM.
She takes all of my money and when I am out, she goes and gets some from her grandma. I asked for some because she was spending it frivolously and I didn’t have any. That started a fight.
I was lured over to her house, next door, because she went to Wendy’s and said that she brought me some. I like to feel special, so I went to eat it, but I think it was a trap to put her 4 year old to bed. I struggled with the child and eventually asked her if she wanted me to take her to school in the morning. She agreed, became complacent and went to sleep.
Fast forward to this morning, my ex sure remembered that and expected it. Since we fought, I turned my ringer off. When I finally went over there to take the kid to school, she wasn’t even awake. If she was insisting I take her, that’s one thing, but this is just complete laziness.
On the bright side, I have plans today. However, I am nervous, like always. On my drive back from dropping of the kid, I hopped that she was not mad at me. I feel like she has every right to be. I’ve never really had someone like this in my life.
When I started this site, I needed some way to express myself. It was the first time that she said that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I was stuck alone, in my head. I used to be a slightly popular blogger on this site, JournalSpace.com but there was some hack and the site was deleted – so that was that. I am sure that lead to my decision to start a site to write to myself so that I would quit emailing her. At the time, at some point, I told her about the site but no one ever visited it and I didn’t really think anyone ever would. I made it through an entire relationship with someone that was extremely controlling and in my business and somehow she never saw it.
If I couldn’t stop thinking, I would come here and write. When there was a song circling in my head, I would come post it here. I have made slight changes to it over the years but it has served the purpose of giving myself somewhere to express my feelings. I don’t have many people that I really talk to anymore. Small talk – sure, but real discussions, no. Currently the only conversations that people have with me is – how is the job search? – and well, I am done answering that one. I hate that I get so stuck on ideas or just the fact that I can’t leave people alone. I know that my inbox would prove that – or my sent box anyway. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I am glad that I have people that love me, because I really need it right now.
