Alternative rock is a style of rock music that emerged from the independent music underground of the 1980s and became widely popular in the 1990s. In this instance, the word “alternative” refers to the genre’s distinction from mainstream rock music.
Every day of the thirteen days that I have been at home after getting laid off have really worn on me. The other extenuating circumstances have not helped any. What has helped is hearing from people that truly care. I wish that I didn’t need a reminder, but it makes a big difference. I have never been one to seek attention, but it seems that I appreciate it a lot more than I realize.
After not receiving my unemployment card and feeling like I have waited forever for my severance check, I decided to check on it. The HR lady assured me that I would get paid this Friday with everyone else’s pay check so that helps me not have to worry about when I will see my next dollar. It has been a hard lesson to learn that I accidentally get comfortable and I often take things for granted without meaning to. I thought that I was reminded of this when I went to Guatemala and couldn’t drink the water.
I have been doing a awful job at controlling my emotions today. Just now, I got in a fight with Jeremy, deleted his number and blocked him on facebook per his request. He has been asking me to come help him clean out his garage since I lost my job. I don’t think he understands that I am usually either sleeping, talking my brother off a ledge, taking care of kids, or applying for jobs. Today, will be the first day that I do something that I want to do and I am completely nervous, because I know that I should be completely mortified. As I wrote it, I didn’t think anyone would take time to care to look. I know that in my darkest moments, I begged for her attention, and its not something I am proud of.
So – Jeremy wanted me to come over to help him move things out of his garage. I am not his only friend, mind you. While I was up from taking the 4 year old to school, I texted him asking if 10 AM was good. I set an alarm and when it went off, he hadn’t replied so I went back to sleep. He sent a message that said how about 11:30 that I read at 11:30, I replied telling him I was going to take a shower and then come by. I called him because he didn’t reply. He had called our mutual friend looking for me, which is creepy too because she lives in Kyle and I rarely see her – but she told him that I had plans to go to lunch later so somehow that made him think I was calling him to blow him off. My plans weren’t for another hour and a half and he wanted me to help him move a few couches, so I can’t imagine how they are related in the least.
When I called him, he interrupted what I was saying and says in his diva tone, “Hana told me that you made other plans to go eat, Matt is here, don’t worry about it.” Since I had been trying to contact him about coming over to help all day, I was extremely offended, so I said, “No I don’t have lunch plans, I was calling to come over and help you but fuck it.” and hung up on him. Apparently he didn’t like that very much because he texted me and told me to lose his number because he didn’t deserve that treatment. Now – that is debatable. This is a guy that fights over my time more than any man has before. We fought a week or two ago because I hurt his feelings by not hanging out enough. I explained to him that he is the only person’s house I go to at all. The last thing I need is more controlling people in my life.
I’m not even sure why, but I agreed to stay with the kids while she went up to see her new girl again. This time I didn’t freak out like I usually do, until she got home. The only thing that I can imagine is that I must have had a dream between 5:30 AM when my alarm accidentally went of and when she got home at 6:11 because when the Alexa went off and said she was home, it woke me up. I felt like I have been up for hours. When she walked in the door I asked her to bring me a drink. I proceeded to cry hysterically and I didn’t even know why. I was panicking and crying, telling her that I thought she was going to come home and hold me. I explained that I thought that I was going to wake up in her arms and that she promised me she would be home in time to get her kids to school.
I left because my brother had sent me some strange messages. I got home and he was having his own breakdown. He kept getting really mad at me and yelling at me like she does. He said I didn’t care and I didn’t understand when I asked him if he would put the meth pipe away. He continued to rant about how he could die at any minute and I needed to get a pen and paper to write some things down. I couldn’t find one fast enough for him so he started telling me the same story that he has told me since it happened, nearly 2 years ago.
The only thing that was different this time, is that the girl that essentially sexually assaulted him as he slept in her bed, asked him what he was doing there after she did it. She clearly thought he was someone else, that had been drinking. I remember how mortified I was when someone accused me of saying in appropriate things to her at work and they were just words and she completely made the thing up. With him, something physically actally happened. I feel like she is gaslighting him making him feel like he did something wrong and it is tearing him up to the point where he will live in my house rent free as I am struggling mentally, emotionally and financially and smoke meth in my house without hiding it. I never saw this coming.
I tried to talk to my psychiatrist about all of the problems that I am having. I explained my excessive and uncontrollable anger. I told him about depressed I have been. I told him about my excessive spending and increased sex drive. He said it was all situational and anyone would have the problems that I am having right now. It felt like when my ex, T, would tell me that I am not autistic and that I was just dealt a really hard hand in life. I don’t know how I feel about that. I can’t change the family I was born into or the problems that they have but I keep doing my best to try to be strong and face everything head on.
What happened this morning must be part of having PTSD. I have been trying to do some research, because it was a very strange occurrence. At the time, I was quite sure that I had been laying there in bed awake since 5:30 when the alarm had gone off. After I was with my brother and he was breaking down, I got away by saying I needed to go pick up my medication and get some tacos for us to eat. As I was walking into the gas station, I remembered being startled awake by the Alexa. If I was startled awake then there is no way that I was not sleeping at that point. It all seems so blurry even though it was only this morning. Maddison kept asking me why I was crying and I couldn’t even tell her why. I have tried to explain to her that I would have the same issues with Teal when she would stay out with her friends late after working at Salt Grass. I would cause the biggest scenes and I was completely un-medicated then.
I have been struggling for about 2 years and trying to end this relationship and now that it’s done, I feel extremely lost. A lot of my friends have contacted me and assured me that I was doing the right thing. I have been filled with rage and fear. When I went to the doctor, she said my blood preasure was high and she could tell that I was nervous. She refilled my emergency medicine, which I have been afraid to ask to have refilled because last time they wanted me to pee in a cup. I panicked and they didn’t.
Her best friend has been talking to me and I feel like she is on my side. She reassures me that my actions are inline with any stable person’s reaction.
But you’re falling anyway
And you know I see right through you
‘Cause the world gets in your way
What’s the point in all this screaming
You’re not listening anyway
