Alternative rock

Alternative rock is a style of rock music that emerged from the independent music underground of the 1980s and became widely popular in the 1990s. In this instance, the word “alternative” refers to the genre’s distinction from mainstream rock music.

The truth is I don’t stand a chance

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music •   0

Is it strange that I have so many dreams about moving?  My psychiatrist always asks me about how I sleep and my dreams, but I never remember anything important when I am talking to him.  He says that it is really important to pay attention to your dreams and that they have deep meaning.  His name is Dr. Wilson, so I can stop calling him my psychiatrist.  I really have no idea what he is but it’s who I see for my medication now – because I wanted to prove a point to someone.

None of the professionals I have seen seem to think that anything is wrong with me.  They follow the same stance that Teal does, anyone would feel the same way in such situations – but that doesn’t make me feel any better.  My new medicine works really well, until I forget to take it. One missed dose is quite apparent to all around me.

Last night I had a dream that I was moving into a new house.  It was huge and had 4 bedrooms.  This next part will make no sense but often times, my dreams do not.  It seemed to be a house that was built inside a grocery store.  I only noticed the store when I walked in.  It was like we entered the house through glass atuomatic doors and lived in a 1990s Wheasts. I don’t even know how to spell it but it was some what dark and old timey.  We walked to the left and went through an industrial type door and there was our house.  I wasn’t happy, because I didn’t like walking through a grocery store to go into my house.  The 4 bedrooms were interesting and it was 2 stories.  In my bedroom, there was a huge loft and I discussed how the 4 year old could live up there.  No adult in their right mind would have let a 4 year old go up in this open loft little alone live up there, so I can not explain that much  but somehow everyone had separate rooms and my brother lived downstairs in some office.  I was clearly not with my ex but she was there picking out her separate room too.

The next thing I know, I’m walking out side with one of my friends that was helping me move in.  Then a car pulled over and picked up up.  It was Matt C. and some other random guy.  We drove around with them for a while and ended up at a Victorian style house and went inside.   We were hanging out in some sort of garage type room when they started talking about art and showed us some small closet that had the strangest paper cut out art I had seen.  It was set up like a doll house and the art wasn’t that well done but they loved it and we laughed.  I started to ask him some sort of question about if he knew how to do something and it started with, “Do you know..” and he cut me off by saying, “M and kinda laughed.”  I just said no in a super embarrassed way but couldn’t remember what I was going to say at that point.

We moved past that quickly and were just smoking when he asked me what my name was.  I answered but was somewhat confused.  C walked in at some point but nothing noteworthy happened after that – at least not that I recall.  It just sort of fades out about that point, maybe that is what happens when you wake up.  The 4 year old was at my house last night because apparently she was asking to come over but it was probably more of her mom was tired of her but she woke me up about a million times this morning so I can only imagine that could be it.

I had to take my car to get a few hoses replaced today and as I was driving to pick up the parts and drop off my car, I started to think about the dream.  In thinking about the details, I realized that it is not the first time that I have had a dream like this.  The driving in the car part was new but the other part seemed quite familiar.

In the end I was left thinking.. I am glad that she doesn’t have to live with all of those guys anymore – I am sure she is much happier that way.

Sometimes, I can hear a song a thousand times and never care about it, but if i I hear it at the right moment, I’m like.. fuck yeah.. today, it was Beverly Hills by Weezer.  Amara loves Weezer, I never understood it, but this is how I feel today.

And no, I’d never want to live in Beverly Hills but my first favorite movie was “Troop Beverly Hills” for whatever weird reason.  I can not tell you how many times I watched that movie and “Field of Dreams”.  If my grandfather’s Hollywood Video account was available we would see he spent hundreds of dollars renting those 2 movies for me.  “It’s a Wonderful Life” was the next movie I got extremely attached to.

Where I come from isn’t all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me

I didn’t go to boarding schools
Preppy girls never looked at me
Why should they? I ain’t nobody
Got nothing in my pocket

This song came on next and it always cuts me to the core.  I am a firm believer that everyone in your life is there to teach you something.  I am quite sure that Maddison taught me that I am not as mature as I would like to be.  I have a lot of mental growth to come and I would never want – to project my issues on my favorite person.

I can’t even pinpoint why I am so persistent and I can’t just walk away, forever, just to leave her alone.  I don’t want to be a problem for her. My life is full of defense mechanisms and I can walk out on almost anyone… because I typically do not allow myself to care too much.  I feel like I have basically walked out on my mother, but the fact that she did it first to a 2 year old child helps me get through the guilt I feel in that.  However, I just can’t – and I am glad she always finds a way to let me know that its okay.  Sometimes, just the though of her voice comforts me.  I am still quite stuck on wondering what it was she said she was going to explain to me – but I am sure its for the better.  I am going to go walk this hyper ass dog, and that the worst path possible, because I lack self control and live in a dream land where magic still happens.

How should I feel about the YouTube videos this algorithm is choosing.   I just let it play and think too much.  I am sure its because I listen to these songs way too long but why do I even have emotions?  I am an aspiring robot but must be failing at that venture.

I want a fast car.

All she wants is just that something to hold on to

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Blue-Eyed Soul, Rock •   0

Yesterday was one hell of a day. I didn’t even have the energy to write about it. My new primary doctor told me that the medicine that I take that is called buspiron is like xanex but without all the negative side effects. At the time she just moved my mid day dose to at night because I was having issues sleeping after losing my job. I went to her on Jan 9. I scheduled it the day after Maddison’s birthday when she brought that girl over to her house for her birthday. I was scared. This dumb as chick loves to threaten me subtly. She posts pictures on her instagram with a gun on her.

So instead of staying home freaking out, I went to talk to the doctor to get more Xanax.  At that time, she said that before I take a Xanax try taking the Buspiron which can be taken up to 3 times a day but I am prescribed 2 already so that’s not much room for freak out.  The only reason I am saying any of this is that I have been taking 3 for 2 days, but I forgot to take my medicine at all on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I should have noticed on Wednesday when my spacer, that I put in my ear because I am a tool, came out and got stuck in my ear canal while I was at work.  It came out and I didn’t die but it was a rough hour.

Somehow I noticed that I hadn’t been taking my medicine, which is usually when I start crying over little things but fast forward to Friday.  I started taking calls at work which was fine.  It was the “lead” that pissed me the fuck off.  That’s the person in charge of the 8 of us.  She seems to think I am stupid as fuck but my old counter part at work, Kelli, pointed out that she may be intimidated by me.  That lead me to do a little research.  I found her on LinkedIn and laughed at her work experience.  I found out she graduated high school the same year I was born and has been working in I.T. help desks since 2008. which is the last year that I worked I.T.

I was a few calls in, with absolutely no training and she didn’t like the order I was doing things in.  Her approach was awful, offended me and made me realize – she really doesn’t know how to do her job.  She knows how to do my job just fine – but her skills transfer skills are lacking.  I am a bit critical because this is something that I have been doing repeatedly in my former role since 2014, which is longer than she is even been at this job at all – so once again, I am going to need to put my pride and ego aside and remember my place.

I know that my pride and ego get me in a lot of trouble, which is weird for someone that struggles with self esteem so much.  It’s easy to believe my case is different.  I spend hours a week reminding myself to calm the fuck down and remember my place.  Every time my mind drifts off to somewhere, even slightly romantic or intimate – which i do not mean sexual – and I know that it is completely in appropriate, I have to kick my own ass.  It isn’t fun.  Can you believe that YouTube would move to to Goo Goo Dolls from 3 Doors Down like that?

Today, I picked my music by playing the song that I woke to my brother playing on the guitar and singing, which was “If I could be like that.”  The titled seemed like my theme song for the week.  I feel like I am so much more, but I keep getting kicked to the bottom and told to start over again.  In 2008, I lost my first long term job and first serious relationship that I deeply cared about.. we all know what that means.  That’s when I stopped saying those words.  It took forever to convince my self that I could do it again.  I started at CLINK in 2010 and it was about 2012 before I enjoyed my job and felt comfortable again.  It was mid 2013 before I met someone that I truly cared about.

There was a day that I accidentally told her that – That I finally felt like I had my life back. She must have known what was going to happen next, because she didn’t respond as I expected. She paused. We were walking down… her current street towards my current house – nearly 6 years ago. She looked at me, with this very sad look her eyes. I don’t think she said anything next – but I guess she knew what she had to do.. It seems like so long ago, but I know how my heart felt in that very moment.

I must be incredibly distracted today. On March 2nd, I let my ex borrow $900 because she is a con artist and knows just how to manipulate me. She was going to pay me back on the 7th and then the 8th and then yesterday when I got home from work, the minute I got home she asked if I could watch her kid. I said yes, bring the kid and my money over. Somehow that turned into her not talking to me and saying she was going to pay me back at all. Currently, she owes me about $1500 between that and her phone bill and car insurance. She has already got her own car insurance but she has not paid a dime for her phone bill which is more than $100 a month. She took her 4 year old and left for the night. The baby was sad and wanting to hug me. I wish I would have just watched the kid – she says I went psycho but I don’t even know when. Most people would get pissed if someone was refusing to pay them $900.

At the moment, 2 other friends both owe me $300 each… That is over $2000 that people owe me.  I am about to send my brother after those motherfuckers.  Anyway, people at work think that I am stupid.  People that I help think I am stupid.. and I am sad and mad.  The end.

Today, YouTube picked the music – But I guess I listen to these songs a lot.

Yesterday was so bad.. her best friend talked to me all night until I fell asleep – giving me little pieces of information to try to help me stay one step ahead.

It made me sad to know that I grew up to be that person.  I grew up watching my dad be the woman on the floor.. My mom met her, she stayed at her house for a few weeks and I tried to figure out what I was going to do with her.  My mom said – if you stay with this woman, you will live a miserable life.  I should have realized, I was hearing this from an expert.

Confusion on the ground

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Soft Rock •   0

You know what they say about assuming.. I embarrass myself more than I would like to admit, but luckily for me, I really don’t open up to many people, so there isn’t a ton of opportunities. I feel like I need to put my friend on a payroll for all the shit she puts up with from me.

When I was younger, I would get confused.  Confused between really caring about someone as a friend and being in love with them.  Maybe I never for past it.  How do I know if I am attracted to someone as a person or more?  The good thing is, I would much rather a good friend than a girlfriend, because I just don’t trust relationships or love.  I tried it once or twice and it didn’t work out that well for me.

Last night, I had a weird dream.  I thought that it was real but never asked anyone – but I am sure it was not. In my dream, Maddison called me.  She said, “You’re not going to like this, but my girlfriend has something to say.” and then handed the phone to someone.  Then a more masculine chick got on the phone and said something like. “Yeah, girlfriend, did you hear that?  Stay away from my…” and then I hung up.  In my dream, I knew that it was Sarah.  I did get pissed off because, what the fuck.  I was really mad, but who knows why.  I get really sad when people don’t trust me.. but then I guess I see why.

I went to some Kid Fish with my nieces and nephew today.  It was on river road and there were a million people there.  I had terrible reception but managed to exchange a few important messages.  Tomorrow will mark a month since I left work.  I don’t think that I could ever work from home.  I need an escape and a distraction.  My mind has really played some tricks on me and I just wish I knew how to apologize properly.

She wanted to help me and I am a complicated mess that needs to learn when to stop.

Yet another song that I did not know before playing it. These electronics…

But I don’t need the same

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk Rock, Music, Pop Rock, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

When I was watching the news today, I saw coverage on a fatal shooting that happened out in Hills of Hays.  I guess it’s a pretty big deal – but the news clip reminded me about what exactly I feared.  The clip was talking about warning signs of domestic violence and I am sure part if it goes along with caring about her so much and wanting the best for her, but I have always feared that I would ignore obvious red flags just because I didn’t want to be too pushy or over step anything.  I remind myself that I could be paranoid because of the way I grew up with my parents.  My dad was subject to physical, emotional and mental abuse for as long as I can remember.  He kept trying to help my mom because he loved her and she was his kids’ mother.   I had not been around that type of manipulation in a long time, so I forgot what it was like until Maddie started treating me like I owed her everything and she could tell me what I could and couldn’t do.  It just made it all so much more real for me.  I realized that as much as I said I would never let anyone tell me what to do – there I was, following orders even though I didn’t agree.  Everyone would tell me to get the fuck out and I knew that I needed to but it wasn’t that easy.  It wasn’t that easy at all.  The harder it was for me and honestly, I am not completely free from it yet but I am trying really hard to distance myself as much as possible until she moves, but it made me realize that it could happen to anyone and that my fears weren’t that far fetched.  A few people really sat me down and talked to me about things when they observed concerning behaviors and it helped me some.  It really took her behavior with this other girl to finally upset me enough to not want to be part of any of it at all.  I don’t know why I am rambling on at this point but it’s important to me to say that I can handle anything and I’m not scared – ultimately. I cherish our friendship.

Here’s a random cute song to counteract that.

‘

How and why would the YouTube play a song like this next:

If I were tough, these songs would not frequent my playlist.

And one of my favorite songs of all time

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far

Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life.

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

Every day of the thirteen days that I have been at home after getting laid off have really worn on me.  The other extenuating circumstances have not helped any.  What has helped is hearing from people that truly care.  I wish that I didn’t need a reminder, but it makes a big difference.  I have never been one to seek attention, but it seems that I appreciate it a lot more than I realize.

After not receiving my unemployment card and feeling like I have waited forever for my severance check, I decided to check on it.  The HR lady assured me that I would get paid this Friday with everyone else’s pay check so that helps me not have to worry about when I will see my next dollar.  It has been a hard lesson to learn that I accidentally get comfortable and I often take things for granted without meaning to. I thought that I was reminded of this when I went to Guatemala and couldn’t drink the water.

I’m finished making sense

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Rock, Words •   0

I have been doing a awful job at controlling my emotions today.  Just now, I got in a fight with Jeremy, deleted his number and blocked him on facebook per his request.  He has been asking me to come help him clean out his garage since I lost my job.  I don’t think he understands that I am usually either sleeping, talking my brother off a ledge, taking care of kids, or applying for jobs.  Today, will be the first day that I do something that I want to do and I am completely nervous, because I know that I should be completely mortified.  As I wrote it, I didn’t think anyone would take time to care to look. I know that in my darkest moments, I begged for her attention, and its not something I am proud of.

So – Jeremy wanted me to come over to help him move things out of his garage.  I am not his only friend, mind you.   While I was up from taking the 4 year old to school, I texted him asking if 10 AM was good.  I set an alarm and when it went off, he hadn’t replied so I went back to sleep.  He sent a message that said how about 11:30 that I read at 11:30, I replied telling him I was going to take a shower and then come by.  I called him because he didn’t reply.  He had called our mutual friend looking for me, which is creepy too because she lives in Kyle and I rarely see her – but she told him that I had plans to go to lunch later so somehow that made him think I was calling him to blow him off.  My plans weren’t for another hour and a half and he wanted me to help him move a few couches, so I can’t imagine how they are related in the least.

When I called him, he interrupted what I was saying and says in his diva tone, “Hana told me that you made other plans to go eat, Matt is here, don’t worry about it.”  Since I had been trying to contact him about coming over to help all day, I was extremely offended, so I said, “No I don’t have lunch plans, I was calling to come over and help you but fuck it.” and hung up on him.  Apparently he didn’t like that very much because he texted me and told me to lose his number because he didn’t deserve that treatment.  Now – that is debatable.  This is a guy that fights over my time more than any man has before.  We fought a week or two ago because I hurt his feelings by not hanging out enough. I explained to him that he is the only person’s house I go to at all.  The last thing I need is more controlling people in my life.

Promises of what I seemed to be

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Indie Rock, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on Promises of what I seemed to be

I’m not even sure why, but I agreed to stay with the kids while she went up to see her new girl again.  This time I didn’t freak out like I usually do, until she got home.  The only thing that I can imagine is that I must have had a dream between 5:30 AM when my alarm accidentally went of and when she got home at 6:11 because when the Alexa went off and said she was home, it woke me up. I felt like I have been up for hours.  When she walked in the door I asked her to bring me a drink.  I proceeded to cry hysterically and I didn’t even know why.  I was panicking and crying, telling her that I thought she was going to come home and hold me.  I explained that I thought that I was going to wake up in her arms and that she promised me she would be home in time to get her kids to school.

I left because my brother had sent me some strange messages. I got home and he was having his own breakdown.  He kept getting really mad at me and yelling at me like she does.  He said I didn’t care and I didn’t understand when I asked him if he would put the meth pipe away.  He continued to rant about how he could die at any minute and I needed to get a pen and paper to write some things down.  I couldn’t find one fast enough for him so he started telling me the same story that he has told me since it happened, nearly 2 years ago.

The only thing that was different this time, is that the girl that essentially sexually assaulted him as he slept in her bed, asked him what he was doing there after she did it.  She clearly thought he was someone else, that had been drinking.  I remember how mortified I was when someone accused me of saying in appropriate things to her at work and they were just words and she completely made the thing up.  With him, something physically actally happened.  I feel like she is gaslighting him making him feel like he did something wrong and it is tearing him up to the point where he will live in my house rent free as I am struggling mentally, emotionally and financially and smoke meth in my house without hiding it.  I never saw this coming.

I tried to talk to my psychiatrist about all of the problems that I am having. I explained my excessive and uncontrollable anger.  I told him about depressed I have been.  I told him about my excessive spending and increased sex drive.  He said it was all situational and anyone would have the problems that I am having right now.  It felt like when my ex, T, would tell me that I am not autistic and that I was just dealt a really hard hand in life.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I can’t change the family I was born into or the problems that they have but I keep doing my best to try to be strong and face everything head on.

What happened this morning must be part of having PTSD.  I have been trying to do some research, because it was a very strange occurrence.  At the time, I was quite sure that I had been laying there in bed awake since 5:30 when the alarm had gone off.  After I was with my brother and he was breaking down, I got away by saying I needed to go pick up my medication and get some tacos for us to eat.  As I was walking into the gas station, I remembered being startled awake by the Alexa.  If I was startled awake then there is no way that I was not sleeping at that point.  It all seems so blurry even though it was only this morning.  Maddison kept asking me why I was crying and I couldn’t even tell her why.  I have tried to explain to her that I would have the same issues with Teal when she would stay out with her friends late after working at Salt Grass.  I would cause the biggest scenes and I was completely un-medicated then.

This is what my PTSD looks like

That I would like you to know that if you’re ever single

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk, Folk Rock, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on That I would like you to know that if you’re ever single

I have been struggling for about 2 years and trying to end this relationship and now that it’s done, I feel extremely lost. A lot of my friends have contacted me and assured me that I was doing the right thing. I have been filled with rage and fear. When I went to the doctor, she said my blood preasure was high and she could tell that I was nervous. She refilled my emergency medicine, which I have been afraid to ask to have refilled because last time they wanted me to pee in a cup. I panicked and they didn’t.

Her best friend has been talking to me and I feel like she is on my side. She reassures me that my actions are inline with any stable person’s reaction.

This song – just gets to me sometimes..