But I’ve had a lack of inhibition

July 26, 2019July 26, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Dreams, Folk, Folk Rock, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music, Punk Rock • Comments Off

This morning something quite unexpected happened. I doubt that I will forget it so for now the details won’t be anywhere but in my heart but I will leave a few notes for myself for when I decided I need to know, years down the line.

Train

To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. Alternatively, a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner. In particular, if you see a freight train, then it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around. It is also symbolic of manual labor. If you see a passenger train, then it relates to mental work.

To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life’s journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end.

Hair

To see hair in your dream signifies sexual virility, seduction, sensuality, vanity, and health. It is indicative of your attitudes. If your hair is knotted or tangled, then it is symbolic of uncertainty and confusion in your life. You may be unable to think straight. If you dream that you make a drastic change to your hairstyle, then it means that you are taking a drastic, new approach to some issue in your waking life.

To dream that you are combing, stroking or styling your hair suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking. You may be putting your thoughts in order and getting your facts straight. A more literal interpretation suggests your concerns about your self-image and appearance.

To dream that you have long hair indicates that you are thinking long and carefully before making some decision. You are concentrating on some plan or situation. Dreaming that you have hair so long that it gets in your way suggests that your thoughts and/or ideas are preventing you from moving forward. Perhaps you are doing too much thinking and not taking any action.

To dream that you are reaching for or running your fingers through someone’s hair suggests that you are trying to connect with that person on a spiritual or intellectual level. It also refers to sympathy, protectiveness, and fraternal love.

Today, I did and said things that I thought twice about, thought I should keep to myself but shared with her anyway. There was something in the back of my mind in my brother, Stephen’s voice, saying that I may never get the chance that I wait for. He would have told me to live in the moment if he was here and I saw him days before he died – so that changes ones perspective.

I told her about my dream and we were both a bit surprised when our dreams over lapped. That’s the only words that I have for it right now. My dream was quite life-like, the type that get my attention and are stuck echoing for days leaving me questioning if it actually happened or not. I couldn’t tell you where I was or what I was doing specifically. I can say that I know how I was laying in the dream, how I felt, who I was with and that I had started to fall asleep in the dream and it seemed as if I woke up for work as I fell asleep in my dream. It’s moments like this that remind me that there so so much more to life that I am giving it.

I started talking to Couch Boy about BladeRunner today and he said a few things about the premise and it made me want to see it even more and left me questioning how she would feel about BladeRunner 2049 or whatever year that new one is. I will find a moment to ask.

I’ve got better things to do than survive
I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands
And I’ve got a vision of blue sky and warm land
I’m cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hands
Album: Little Plastic Castle

Gravity is nothing to me
I’m moving at the speed of sound
I’m just going to get my feet wet
Until I drown
Songwriters: Ani Difranco

He just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot

July 20, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Melodic Hardcore, Pop Rock, Punk Rock, Skate Punk, Words • 0

Something has got to change. I work too hard to feel this way about my house.

I started a list when I was upset about Couch Boy that I never intended to give him but more to collect my thoughts for when I could bring up such items, hopefully not all at the same time, that’s quite overwhelming for anyone.

Please Stop:

Leaving wet clothes in the washer
Leaving the coffee pot on when no one is home
Putting the toilet seat behind the metal bar of the shelf thing
Moving items to new locations like the mops
Putting plastic bags under the sink (roaches)

Please:

Take the dogs out before you leave the house
Lock the door behind you if you won’t be home before 8 PM
Leave the lights on in the living room between 10 AM and 10 PM on weekends

A friend was over and saw my list. She read it and laughed and said the he complains about half of the items I am irritated with. The thing is, I have set up my life so that I don’t need anyone else and by the looks of people around me, that doesn’t seem to be a common practice – so the fact that I help out nearly 6 other people on a daily basis is starting to get to me.

The reason that I mention this is that I have never asked for anyone that lives with me, 3 of those 6, for any money for bills or rent – I just pay it all despite their electricity consuming habits, internet addictions and disregard for manners when it comes to food that I primarily buy. I can’t tell you how many times I have come to eat something that I bought for the first time and it is already completely gone. At this point, I feel like i have 2 teenage sons – one with a part-time job that can not afford to pay him. The problem is that they are about 36 and 32 and I am not getting any younger either, but I am somewhere in between and should not have to deal with this shit from either of them, but definitely not Couch Boy.

The part that really bothered me was when she went on to tell me that he felt dehumanized because I let my friend, Willa, stay in my brother’s room for the night to watch some TV show that wasn’t kid appropriate. She was having to bunk with the 8 year old next-door because the 4 year old’s grandma was there and took the couch. I had plenty of room, it seemed normal to offer to let her stay in my makeshift room that I have organized for my brother.

I put a TV in there and she used the Xbox to watch some Zoo show. It was nothing the 8 year old needed to see – but somehow, I didn’t tell my guest that is wearing his welcome. I picked him up in January, so maybe it’s about that time. He used to be appreciative and clean. He would always do the dishes and mop the floor but now he is dehumanized when I let someone stay at my house without running it through him.

He must think that he has some sort of say around here. If I was staying somewhere for free, which I haven’t ever except when I lived with my dad until I was 21 because school said that I had to be there or in a dorm, and well, I was too straight-phobic for that. They would have probably hated me and I am not about to go somewhere I think someone will hate me, so I stayed home, but I have been working since I was 16 and I haven’t taken many breaks – ever, so when I see people spending years of their life living off of me, I start to get defensive.

I think that my psych would be proud. The only thing I got out of our visit the other morning was that I needed to set boundaries. He said it in a tone that meant he knew that it was easier said than done but at least we were on the same page. Every time I go in there – he asks me a series of questions about my sleep and my social interactions. I feel like he wants me to say more because then he says things like, “Sounds like you are married to your work, its okay, a lot of us are.” We talked about my mom – so far I have not found anyone that has given me any trouble about what I did – but I know people can tell it bothers me, because I have gotten plenty of reassurance.

Maybe jail is the best place for her. My texts have ran out and I don’t really want to spend the money that I have on them. Her last text said to use her card information to spend $50 out of her account, she insisted. She knows that our texts cost 50 cents each way, I remind her because sometimes each of us forgets, at least I do. I see her text and reply with my first sentence thought and then realize that I just paid 2 cents a character.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been called selfish in my life, even while over giving to help someone. It boggles my mind. I am sure that I am selfish, because that sounds efficient to me, but if I was so selfish, I feel like I would have a lot more at this point.

Your basic average super star

July 19, 2019July 19, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Indie Folk, Music, Rock, Soft Rock • 0

This song ended just as I pulled up to my house after work. I let it resonate for a moment and I was taken back to nearly a year ago.

Before I get into that, I will mention that I have a friend because he liked the line above, the title to this post, that I have on my facebook page – and he met me in an Ani DiFranco but didn’t recognize it. I suppose it is hard to know all of her songs. So far I think I have covered her first 5 albums from start to finish and I plan to continue but I am moving through them as I read her book and so far they seem to match up and it gives me a deep sense of understand that I couldn’t appreciate more.

Twenty years ago, I was learning about feminism. I feel like I have taught a lot of people a lot but things started getting out of control and feminists started getting a bad name. I have admitted to being sexist and have tried really hard to work on that character flaw and I believe that I have come along way but this song reminds me why things are different this time.

People that have always identified as lesbian probably understand my little lesbian brain that I have yet to fully comprehend. It is so much deeper that the surface and that’s why I don’t let anyone’s critical remarks get to me.

Before my brother met her, he would give me a hard time. He has asked me – so what is so great about SaidLady and we usually have some generic discussion about it – but he is as stubborn and judgmental as they come. There was a point, years ago, that he tried to be really sensitive and explain to me that she might just not be into me. He was completely sincere and was trying to help but it wasn’t long before I felt like I understood why she said what she said that day she told me not to talk about her to my friends.

I feel its a level of maturity that I had not reached yet and then I am reminded it’s probably because we live in this tiny town and I know everyone – that’s not quite true but I am getting there. There’s no telling why that conversation was had but I have done my best to never talk about her but once in a while a smile will be followed by her name in some matter – always her first name, it could be anyone.. that same anyone – all of the time, so a few people this I am insane and I could care less. The activist that is typically in an altered state finds it absolutely adorable – she is one that I had to tell that I was in love with someone else. I think I used that excuse over 10 times when people thought they wanted to get close to me. Anyone that is in it for the right reason will back off real fast – but I have found, when someone just wants your money, attention and children skills, they could care less if you are in love with someone else.

She asked me to hang out the day that I bought the Placebo Album, Sleeping with Ghosts at Kiss n Fly or whatever Sundance was at that moment in time. I met 2 friends and went to the sandwich shop next door when I unexpectedly walked right up to C to order. I nervously over-tipped him and then my awkward friend, L, did too. He brought us jalapeno poppers so he must like me… but we were not tough enough to eat them anyway.

It was a great gesture, especially since I had found an emotion that I did not know existed – what was it? I still don’t know. How do people in the military feel when they come in contact with enemy civilians? I feel like it was something like that. You just look at them, can’t help but make eye contact. Try to make the interaction as brief as possible and hope no one gets killed – what emotion is that?

Look back before you leave my life

July 2, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Rock • 0

When I saw this pop up on my suggested videos, I was surprised to see there was an official video and had completely forgotten about a song that used to make me feel quite tough. It doesn’t make me feel the same way it used to. His image also takes something away from it for me.

I feel like I have more to say about this but no time at the moment.

Not while I still feel like this

May 14, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Rock • 0

When I was at the concert, I had the same realization – what if she did come with me. How would I react if she was standing with me when I heard a song like this for the first time. There was that moment in each show, plus the multitude of deeply seeded emotional songs that I didn’t even realize were ingrained in my being.

Ultimately, it was a stark reminder of my place. I constantly remind myself too. Thankfully, she has never actually told me that she didn’t love me and I am comfortably numb believing that she does.

In the moments that I stumble across the confusion as to how I ended up with such feelings.. I would never expect to find myself in such a situation. I know better – but then I remember – the path in which got me here.. I wouldn’t change anything in fear I would have never met her.. I would love for life to be easier on us both, but if it can not, I appreciate her in my life any way possible.

Anytime I feel like a horrible person, I think about that one post that I read that one time.. yeah the one that I most likely won’t ever forget, but that time I replied before I read it was one of the most embarrassing things that has happened to me – so I suppose it stands out. At the time I felt discriminated against. The older I get, the more I feel protected by the decission..

Emily knows me well. We have been friends since about 05 and she has seen me through my two major relationships. She saw both extremes and supported me through the heart break of my first love. When she was here a few weeks ago, she asked if I still loved Teal. I explained why I didn’t think that I did. I told her that I had seen both Teal and the woman that I have accidentally fallen for and have not seemed to find a way to get back despite great efforts.. and well – we talked about that for a while. She reminded me that it may have been her own decision that it wasn’t best to see me. It made sense..

I really appreciated it when she said, “It sounds like you are handling this very well and being very mature about it – you have grown up a lot.” It was true, but there was a level of respect here that I have never had for someone before, and the worst part is – I often wonder – …what she thinks.

There’s nothing that can’t be turned around

May 13, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Rock • 0

The Garbage concert was one of the best concerts I have been to, somehow they just keep getting better and better, but I was slightly distracted and found myself wanting a pause between songs so that I could check my messages… that never happens – and that is one of those reasons…

When the first song was #1 Crush, I think I blushed a little and thought the same thing I thought at the Melissa Etheridge concert… what would I have done if she had come with me, then she would be standing next to me as I felt some songs that meant a lot to me – it felt like quite the vulnerable place that I still did not know how to handle just yet.

There were a few songs that they didn’t play that I really wanted to hear, but it was a 2 hour set and she is 52… so I really can’t ask for anything more. If I were choosing a set list for San Antonio, Texas – I would probably think to leave Queer and Androgyny out too.. but it was an amazing show and they played a lot off of their self titled album and version 2.0 which are my favorites.

The truth is I don’t stand a chance

March 16, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Music • 0

Is it strange that I have so many dreams about moving? My psychiatrist always asks me about how I sleep and my dreams, but I never remember anything important when I am talking to him. He says that it is really important to pay attention to your dreams and that they have deep meaning. His name is Dr. Wilson, so I can stop calling him my psychiatrist. I really have no idea what he is but it’s who I see for my medication now – because I wanted to prove a point to someone.

None of the professionals I have seen seem to think that anything is wrong with me. They follow the same stance that Teal does, anyone would feel the same way in such situations – but that doesn’t make me feel any better. My new medicine works really well, until I forget to take it. One missed dose is quite apparent to all around me.

Last night I had a dream that I was moving into a new house. It was huge and had 4 bedrooms. This next part will make no sense but often times, my dreams do not. It seemed to be a house that was built inside a grocery store. I only noticed the store when I walked in. It was like we entered the house through glass atuomatic doors and lived in a 1990s Wheasts. I don’t even know how to spell it but it was some what dark and old timey. We walked to the left and went through an industrial type door and there was our house. I wasn’t happy, because I didn’t like walking through a grocery store to go into my house. The 4 bedrooms were interesting and it was 2 stories. In my bedroom, there was a huge loft and I discussed how the 4 year old could live up there. No adult in their right mind would have let a 4 year old go up in this open loft little alone live up there, so I can not explain that much but somehow everyone had separate rooms and my brother lived downstairs in some office. I was clearly not with my ex but she was there picking out her separate room too.

The next thing I know, I’m walking out side with one of my friends that was helping me move in. Then a car pulled over and picked up up. It was Matt C. and some other random guy. We drove around with them for a while and ended up at a Victorian style house and went inside. We were hanging out in some sort of garage type room when they started talking about art and showed us some small closet that had the strangest paper cut out art I had seen. It was set up like a doll house and the art wasn’t that well done but they loved it and we laughed. I started to ask him some sort of question about if he knew how to do something and it started with, “Do you know..” and he cut me off by saying, “M and kinda laughed.” I just said no in a super embarrassed way but couldn’t remember what I was going to say at that point.

We moved past that quickly and were just smoking when he asked me what my name was. I answered but was somewhat confused. C walked in at some point but nothing noteworthy happened after that – at least not that I recall. It just sort of fades out about that point, maybe that is what happens when you wake up. The 4 year old was at my house last night because apparently she was asking to come over but it was probably more of her mom was tired of her but she woke me up about a million times this morning so I can only imagine that could be it.

I had to take my car to get a few hoses replaced today and as I was driving to pick up the parts and drop off my car, I started to think about the dream. In thinking about the details, I realized that it is not the first time that I have had a dream like this. The driving in the car part was new but the other part seemed quite familiar.

In the end I was left thinking.. I am glad that she doesn’t have to live with all of those guys anymore – I am sure she is much happier that way.

Sometimes, I can hear a song a thousand times and never care about it, but if i I hear it at the right moment, I’m like.. fuck yeah.. today, it was Beverly Hills by Weezer. Amara loves Weezer, I never understood it, but this is how I feel today.

And no, I’d never want to live in Beverly Hills but my first favorite movie was “Troop Beverly Hills” for whatever weird reason. I can not tell you how many times I watched that movie and “Field of Dreams”. If my grandfather’s Hollywood Video account was available we would see he spent hundreds of dollars renting those 2 movies for me. “It’s a Wonderful Life” was the next movie I got extremely attached to.

Where I come from isn’t all that great
My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me
I didn’t go to boarding schools
Preppy girls never looked at me
Why should they? I ain’t nobody
Got nothing in my pocket

This song came on next and it always cuts me to the core. I am a firm believer that everyone in your life is there to teach you something. I am quite sure that Maddison taught me that I am not as mature as I would like to be. I have a lot of mental growth to come and I would never want – to project my issues on my favorite person.

I can’t even pinpoint why I am so persistent and I can’t just walk away, forever, just to leave her alone. I don’t want to be a problem for her. My life is full of defense mechanisms and I can walk out on almost anyone… because I typically do not allow myself to care too much. I feel like I have basically walked out on my mother, but the fact that she did it first to a 2 year old child helps me get through the guilt I feel in that. However, I just can’t – and I am glad she always finds a way to let me know that its okay. Sometimes, just the though of her voice comforts me. I am still quite stuck on wondering what it was she said she was going to explain to me – but I am sure its for the better. I am going to go walk this hyper ass dog, and that the worst path possible, because I lack self control and live in a dream land where magic still happens.

How should I feel about the YouTube videos this algorithm is choosing. I just let it play and think too much. I am sure its because I listen to these songs way too long but why do I even have emotions? I am an aspiring robot but must be failing at that venture.

I want a fast car.

All she wants is just that something to hold on to

March 9, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Blue-Eyed Soul, Rock • 0

Yesterday was one hell of a day. I didn’t even have the energy to write about it. My new primary doctor told me that the medicine that I take that is called buspiron is like xanex but without all the negative side effects. At the time she just moved my mid day dose to at night because I was having issues sleeping after losing my job. I went to her on Jan 9. I scheduled it the day after Maddison’s birthday when she brought that girl over to her house for her birthday. I was scared. This dumb as chick loves to threaten me subtly. She posts pictures on her instagram with a gun on her.

So instead of staying home freaking out, I went to talk to the doctor to get more Xanax. At that time, she said that before I take a Xanax try taking the Buspiron which can be taken up to 3 times a day but I am prescribed 2 already so that’s not much room for freak out. The only reason I am saying any of this is that I have been taking 3 for 2 days, but I forgot to take my medicine at all on Tuesday and Wednesday. I should have noticed on Wednesday when my spacer, that I put in my ear because I am a tool, came out and got stuck in my ear canal while I was at work. It came out and I didn’t die but it was a rough hour.

Somehow I noticed that I hadn’t been taking my medicine, which is usually when I start crying over little things but fast forward to Friday. I started taking calls at work which was fine. It was the “lead” that pissed me the fuck off. That’s the person in charge of the 8 of us. She seems to think I am stupid as fuck but my old counter part at work, Kelli, pointed out that she may be intimidated by me. That lead me to do a little research. I found her on LinkedIn and laughed at her work experience. I found out she graduated high school the same year I was born and has been working in I.T. help desks since 2008. which is the last year that I worked I.T.

I was a few calls in, with absolutely no training and she didn’t like the order I was doing things in. Her approach was awful, offended me and made me realize – she really doesn’t know how to do her job. She knows how to do my job just fine – but her skills transfer skills are lacking. I am a bit critical because this is something that I have been doing repeatedly in my former role since 2014, which is longer than she is even been at this job at all – so once again, I am going to need to put my pride and ego aside and remember my place.

I know that my pride and ego get me in a lot of trouble, which is weird for someone that struggles with self esteem so much. It’s easy to believe my case is different. I spend hours a week reminding myself to calm the fuck down and remember my place. Every time my mind drifts off to somewhere, even slightly romantic or intimate – which i do not mean sexual – and I know that it is completely in appropriate, I have to kick my own ass. It isn’t fun. Can you believe that YouTube would move to to Goo Goo Dolls from 3 Doors Down like that?

Today, I picked my music by playing the song that I woke to my brother playing on the guitar and singing, which was “If I could be like that.” The titled seemed like my theme song for the week. I feel like I am so much more, but I keep getting kicked to the bottom and told to start over again. In 2008, I lost my first long term job and first serious relationship that I deeply cared about.. we all know what that means. That’s when I stopped saying those words. It took forever to convince my self that I could do it again. I started at CLINK in 2010 and it was about 2012 before I enjoyed my job and felt comfortable again. It was mid 2013 before I met someone that I truly cared about.

There was a day that I accidentally told her that – That I finally felt like I had my life back. She must have known what was going to happen next, because she didn’t respond as I expected. She paused. We were walking down… her current street towards my current house – nearly 6 years ago. She looked at me, with this very sad look her eyes. I don’t think she said anything next – but I guess she knew what she had to do.. It seems like so long ago, but I know how my heart felt in that very moment.

I must be incredibly distracted today. On March 2nd, I let my ex borrow $900 because she is a con artist and knows just how to manipulate me. She was going to pay me back on the 7th and then the 8th and then yesterday when I got home from work, the minute I got home she asked if I could watch her kid. I said yes, bring the kid and my money over. Somehow that turned into her not talking to me and saying she was going to pay me back at all. Currently, she owes me about $1500 between that and her phone bill and car insurance. She has already got her own car insurance but she has not paid a dime for her phone bill which is more than $100 a month. She took her 4 year old and left for the night. The baby was sad and wanting to hug me. I wish I would have just watched the kid – she says I went psycho but I don’t even know when. Most people would get pissed if someone was refusing to pay them $900.

At the moment, 2 other friends both owe me $300 each… That is over $2000 that people owe me. I am about to send my brother after those motherfuckers. Anyway, people at work think that I am stupid. People that I help think I am stupid.. and I am sad and mad. The end.

Today, YouTube picked the music – But I guess I listen to these songs a lot.

Yesterday was so bad.. her best friend talked to me all night until I fell asleep – giving me little pieces of information to try to help me stay one step ahead.

It made me sad to know that I grew up to be that person. I grew up watching my dad be the woman on the floor.. My mom met her, she stayed at her house for a few weeks and I tried to figure out what I was going to do with her. My mom said – if you stay with this woman, you will live a miserable life. I should have realized, I was hearing this from an expert.