I’m same old trailer trash in new shoes

August 13, 2019August 13, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Music • 0

Couch boy is the damn girlfriend that I never wanted. My friend’s make tiny jokes about him but if he didn’t make my brother so damn mad, I could probably handle him but he has a way of getting under anyone’s skin, which is possibly why he is homeless and has been my couch boy since January and he had lived at my ex’s for some time while I was living with her in Kyle but he got himself kicked out of there somehow and now he has gotten himself kicked out of here also.

This fight — is all over a damn light. The way my odd house is set up, there is one main room, we facetiously call it the lobby, and all of the other rooms branch off of that. There is no hallway and there are several lights in this lobby. Since the couch is directly below the fan, I lived with him turning that one off – but I could not even see to walk through my house. He sleeps all day because he works “nights.” His latest shift ends at 3 am and that’s not even technically 3rd shift but whatever, if he wants to pretend that he is a vampire, he will have to do it somewhere else.

My brother struggles with severe depression among other things. We have both been turning the lights on as couch boy turns them off. I eventually installed a florescent light so that I could see in the the walk way and in the last few days, my brother has opened it up and disconnected the switch, however one does that. This lead couch boy to unscrew the makeshift outlet I had installed in a light socket. I don’t think these adapters are used much anymore, but I have a cache of vintage items that I should probably never actually plug in – but since my house is from the 80’s. I am sure it is all compatible – I am 1980’s safe around here, don’t tell my renter’s insurance though.

This set of events lead to my brother messaging me mid day telling me that I needed to get couch boy out of the house. As always, couch boy has a ton of explanations and excuses – which makes it impossible for me to get him out and on his own or draining someone else financially.

Now for a few words from our sponsors. Today, I have been kind of sad.

Today, I fell asleep while she was out and tried not to tell her ‘goodnight’ because I felt like I was a burden and I can feel myself get defensive. At work today we watched a video about recognizing the symptoms of the flight or fight feeling and attempting to control it instead of let it control you. I can say that I am using hat training sooner than I thought. I can’t say that I really have a fight or flight feeling but I have a ‘Please don’t let her disappear again.” feeling because I am so afraid of patterns and love.

She is so busy, I know that it’s not me and I know better but as I feel her distance, I panic and respond in an opposite way. In a week, it will have been 6 months since I saw her. In 8 days, it will be 6 months since I accidentally parked next to her a C at the pizza place. I don’t know what happened that day, but I am sure that I screwed something up when I panicked.

It kind of hurts to pretend like you don’t miss having someone in your life. We talk all day long through message but I can’t help but want to hold her hand and see her. It’s like we are in a long distance relationship blocks away from each other. I have never had such an invisible force field keep me from such desires. Anyway, I can’t really sleep and I am worried that she will tell me that we can’t talk again and I just hate that feeling.

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in

July 30, 2019August 1, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Dreams, Music, Pop Rock, Post-Grunge • 0

The last couple of days have been challenging because I have a heart and now I know that some people will push you for all that you are worth, but hopefully that is all over. I haven’t had any free moments in peace, so this will be written a day after it is posted for.

Monday night, I had a dream that has only grown in detail since I first woke up and started remembering piece. It feels more like a distant memory. It was enough to make me look up vivid dreams.

When I looked into it, I only confirmed that they are in fact vivid dreams to say the least, which is why CouchBoy has said that he forgets his dreams nearly instantly where I have found myself thinking about a dream that I had days later, only to finally look up the basic themes to then laugh to myself and crawl back into my bed with my loving dogs but not without my attempt to show that I care about her deeply in different words.

So my dream the other night:

We had been talking on the phone, or talking verbally, I am not sure. I could hear her voice and she asked me to come over for a little while. I tried to make a light joke or two about why that would not be a smart move on my part but in just a few words she talked me out of common sense by reassuring me that she would never put me in harms way and I trusted her blindly and proceeded.

There was an ominous feel to walking up to her house. It was that of the knight walking up to an evil castle hesitantly. I looked back down the hill, knowing better than to proceed, but without much though – I walked up to her house and knocked softly. She opened the door near instantly. She hugged me and whispered that it was okay and lead me to the couch where we watched TV and played a game together that involved dice. I can’t remember a single detail about the game besides it involved multiple regular dice.

Eventually we stopped playing and started to nearly fall asleep watching TV. She told me that she was going to bed and I could either come with her or she’s understand if I wanted to go home. I looked at her confuse, as to ask her – why would I want to do that and nearly at the same time, we both looked back to the dark cave-like hallway. Our eyes met, neither of us said a thing, there was an exchange of facial expressions, she took my hand and lead me back to her bed. I can’t explain how emotionally seductive this moment was but it brought back feelings in my dream that I didn’t remember that I had.

Just as I expected, the elephant in the room, but she just climbed into bed with obvious distance from the elephant wanting TV and then pulled me close. I laid with my head on her chest and watched whatever was playing on TV. It didn’t seem as either of us were very interested in what was on TV but we tried ever so hard to act and be interested. It was silent besides a few giggles. I feel like I must have fallen right to sleep because the only thing that I remember about that part besides reminding myself that this was how people got murdered and there was just something symbolic there that can’t be found in a book but the one detail that I do remember was that I had my left hand up her shirt slightly, touching her stomach softly as my heart raced – because, once again, I thought – I might die if I do this – but I did it anyway. That’s what being gay in the country used to be like.

Let me tell you about how I have seen Boys Don’t Cry 1.5 times. That is because I was by myself the second time that I watched it and I did not make it through. I turned it off. It was a DVD or it would have still been at the half way point.

When I woke up and though about it more – I didn’t really think anything about playing games but DreamMoods.com seemed to think that was relevant. There was an entry on bedroom but I felt that was too generic and I am not about that life and then, since the most remember-able part of the dream is touching her stomach, careful not to move wrong while my heart raced – I decided to look up stomachs and then I wondered about how I would come up with this stuff.

The other day, I was fighting with Madd because she was bitching that she needed help packing and she wouldn’t be done in time but she was able to run off to some chicks house and stay out to whatever time the next day. I gave her hell about it because she expected me to pick up her slack and I wasn’t having it. At some point she called me jealous and I just dropped it because the last thing I wanted was for her to think I wanted her – then I realized – fuck – I am jealous. Not jealous of what she thinks I am. I was jealous that she could run off and see who ever it was she was going to see when I know that I shouldn’t even ask to see that lady that I can’t keep off my mind.

Board Games

To see or play board games in your dream signifies your progress in life. How you do in the board game is analogous to the setbacks and accomplishments in your waking life. Consider the name of the board game you are playing in your dream for additional significance.

Dice

To see or play dice in your dream suggests that you are taking chances and playing with fate. It refers to the unpredictability of life. The dream may also be a pun on a situation that may be getting too “dicey”. Consider the significance of the numbers reflected on the dice or how many dice were thrown.

Stomach

To see or touch someone’s stomach in your dream indicates that this person is trying to reach out to you. He or she is trying to connect o you on an emotional level.

Here are a few songs off of No Name Face a sound track that no one wants.

If it was the early 2000s, I would be so much more of a pain in the ass.

But I’ve had a lack of inhibition

July 26, 2019July 26, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Dreams, Folk, Folk Rock, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music, Punk Rock • Comments Off

This morning something quite unexpected happened. I doubt that I will forget it so for now the details won’t be anywhere but in my heart but I will leave a few notes for myself for when I decided I need to know, years down the line.

Train

To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. Alternatively, a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner. In particular, if you see a freight train, then it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around. It is also symbolic of manual labor. If you see a passenger train, then it relates to mental work.

To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life’s journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction. Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end.

Hair

To see hair in your dream signifies sexual virility, seduction, sensuality, vanity, and health. It is indicative of your attitudes. If your hair is knotted or tangled, then it is symbolic of uncertainty and confusion in your life. You may be unable to think straight. If you dream that you make a drastic change to your hairstyle, then it means that you are taking a drastic, new approach to some issue in your waking life.

To dream that you are combing, stroking or styling your hair suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking. You may be putting your thoughts in order and getting your facts straight. A more literal interpretation suggests your concerns about your self-image and appearance.

To dream that you have long hair indicates that you are thinking long and carefully before making some decision. You are concentrating on some plan or situation. Dreaming that you have hair so long that it gets in your way suggests that your thoughts and/or ideas are preventing you from moving forward. Perhaps you are doing too much thinking and not taking any action.

To dream that you are reaching for or running your fingers through someone’s hair suggests that you are trying to connect with that person on a spiritual or intellectual level. It also refers to sympathy, protectiveness, and fraternal love.

Today, I did and said things that I thought twice about, thought I should keep to myself but shared with her anyway. There was something in the back of my mind in my brother, Stephen’s voice, saying that I may never get the chance that I wait for. He would have told me to live in the moment if he was here and I saw him days before he died – so that changes ones perspective.

I told her about my dream and we were both a bit surprised when our dreams over lapped. That’s the only words that I have for it right now. My dream was quite life-like, the type that get my attention and are stuck echoing for days leaving me questioning if it actually happened or not. I couldn’t tell you where I was or what I was doing specifically. I can say that I know how I was laying in the dream, how I felt, who I was with and that I had started to fall asleep in the dream and it seemed as if I woke up for work as I fell asleep in my dream. It’s moments like this that remind me that there so so much more to life that I am giving it.

I started talking to Couch Boy about BladeRunner today and he said a few things about the premise and it made me want to see it even more and left me questioning how she would feel about BladeRunner 2049 or whatever year that new one is. I will find a moment to ask.

I’ve got better things to do than survive
I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands
And I’ve got a vision of blue sky and warm land
I’m cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hands
Album: Little Plastic Castle

Gravity is nothing to me
I’m moving at the speed of sound
I’m just going to get my feet wet
Until I drown
Songwriters: Ani Difranco

He just plays guitar and smokes a lot of pot

July 20, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Melodic Hardcore, Pop Rock, Punk Rock, Skate Punk, Words • 0

Something has got to change. I work too hard to feel this way about my house.

I started a list when I was upset about Couch Boy that I never intended to give him but more to collect my thoughts for when I could bring up such items, hopefully not all at the same time, that’s quite overwhelming for anyone.

Please Stop:

Leaving wet clothes in the washer
Leaving the coffee pot on when no one is home
Putting the toilet seat behind the metal bar of the shelf thing
Moving items to new locations like the mops
Putting plastic bags under the sink (roaches)

Please:

Take the dogs out before you leave the house
Lock the door behind you if you won’t be home before 8 PM
Leave the lights on in the living room between 10 AM and 10 PM on weekends

A friend was over and saw my list. She read it and laughed and said the he complains about half of the items I am irritated with. The thing is, I have set up my life so that I don’t need anyone else and by the looks of people around me, that doesn’t seem to be a common practice – so the fact that I help out nearly 6 other people on a daily basis is starting to get to me.

The reason that I mention this is that I have never asked for anyone that lives with me, 3 of those 6, for any money for bills or rent – I just pay it all despite their electricity consuming habits, internet addictions and disregard for manners when it comes to food that I primarily buy. I can’t tell you how many times I have come to eat something that I bought for the first time and it is already completely gone. At this point, I feel like i have 2 teenage sons – one with a part-time job that can not afford to pay him. The problem is that they are about 36 and 32 and I am not getting any younger either, but I am somewhere in between and should not have to deal with this shit from either of them, but definitely not Couch Boy.

The part that really bothered me was when she went on to tell me that he felt dehumanized because I let my friend, Willa, stay in my brother’s room for the night to watch some TV show that wasn’t kid appropriate. She was having to bunk with the 8 year old next-door because the 4 year old’s grandma was there and took the couch. I had plenty of room, it seemed normal to offer to let her stay in my makeshift room that I have organized for my brother.

I put a TV in there and she used the Xbox to watch some Zoo show. It was nothing the 8 year old needed to see – but somehow, I didn’t tell my guest that is wearing his welcome. I picked him up in January, so maybe it’s about that time. He used to be appreciative and clean. He would always do the dishes and mop the floor but now he is dehumanized when I let someone stay at my house without running it through him.

He must think that he has some sort of say around here. If I was staying somewhere for free, which I haven’t ever except when I lived with my dad until I was 21 because school said that I had to be there or in a dorm, and well, I was too straight-phobic for that. They would have probably hated me and I am not about to go somewhere I think someone will hate me, so I stayed home, but I have been working since I was 16 and I haven’t taken many breaks – ever, so when I see people spending years of their life living off of me, I start to get defensive.

I think that my psych would be proud. The only thing I got out of our visit the other morning was that I needed to set boundaries. He said it in a tone that meant he knew that it was easier said than done but at least we were on the same page. Every time I go in there – he asks me a series of questions about my sleep and my social interactions. I feel like he wants me to say more because then he says things like, “Sounds like you are married to your work, its okay, a lot of us are.” We talked about my mom – so far I have not found anyone that has given me any trouble about what I did – but I know people can tell it bothers me, because I have gotten plenty of reassurance.

Maybe jail is the best place for her. My texts have ran out and I don’t really want to spend the money that I have on them. Her last text said to use her card information to spend $50 out of her account, she insisted. She knows that our texts cost 50 cents each way, I remind her because sometimes each of us forgets, at least I do. I see her text and reply with my first sentence thought and then realize that I just paid 2 cents a character.

I can’t tell you how many times I have been called selfish in my life, even while over giving to help someone. It boggles my mind. I am sure that I am selfish, because that sounds efficient to me, but if I was so selfish, I feel like I would have a lot more at this point.

Your basic average super star

July 19, 2019July 19, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Indie Folk, Music, Rock, Soft Rock • 0

This song ended just as I pulled up to my house after work. I let it resonate for a moment and I was taken back to nearly a year ago.

Before I get into that, I will mention that I have a friend because he liked the line above, the title to this post, that I have on my facebook page – and he met me in an Ani DiFranco but didn’t recognize it. I suppose it is hard to know all of her songs. So far I think I have covered her first 5 albums from start to finish and I plan to continue but I am moving through them as I read her book and so far they seem to match up and it gives me a deep sense of understand that I couldn’t appreciate more.

Twenty years ago, I was learning about feminism. I feel like I have taught a lot of people a lot but things started getting out of control and feminists started getting a bad name. I have admitted to being sexist and have tried really hard to work on that character flaw and I believe that I have come along way but this song reminds me why things are different this time.

People that have always identified as lesbian probably understand my little lesbian brain that I have yet to fully comprehend. It is so much deeper that the surface and that’s why I don’t let anyone’s critical remarks get to me.

Before my brother met her, he would give me a hard time. He has asked me – so what is so great about SaidLady and we usually have some generic discussion about it – but he is as stubborn and judgmental as they come. There was a point, years ago, that he tried to be really sensitive and explain to me that she might just not be into me. He was completely sincere and was trying to help but it wasn’t long before I felt like I understood why she said what she said that day she told me not to talk about her to my friends.

I feel its a level of maturity that I had not reached yet and then I am reminded it’s probably because we live in this tiny town and I know everyone – that’s not quite true but I am getting there. There’s no telling why that conversation was had but I have done my best to never talk about her but once in a while a smile will be followed by her name in some matter – always her first name, it could be anyone.. that same anyone – all of the time, so a few people this I am insane and I could care less. The activist that is typically in an altered state finds it absolutely adorable – she is one that I had to tell that I was in love with someone else. I think I used that excuse over 10 times when people thought they wanted to get close to me. Anyone that is in it for the right reason will back off real fast – but I have found, when someone just wants your money, attention and children skills, they could care less if you are in love with someone else.

She asked me to hang out the day that I bought the Placebo Album, Sleeping with Ghosts at Kiss n Fly or whatever Sundance was at that moment in time. I met 2 friends and went to the sandwich shop next door when I unexpectedly walked right up to C to order. I nervously over-tipped him and then my awkward friend, L, did too. He brought us jalapeno poppers so he must like me… but we were not tough enough to eat them anyway.

It was a great gesture, especially since I had found an emotion that I did not know existed – what was it? I still don’t know. How do people in the military feel when they come in contact with enemy civilians? I feel like it was something like that. You just look at them, can’t help but make eye contact. Try to make the interaction as brief as possible and hope no one gets killed – what emotion is that?

Look back before you leave my life

July 2, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Rock • 0

When I saw this pop up on my suggested videos, I was surprised to see there was an official video and had completely forgotten about a song that used to make me feel quite tough. It doesn’t make me feel the same way it used to. His image also takes something away from it for me.

I feel like I have more to say about this but no time at the moment.

Not while I still feel like this

May 14, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Rock • 0

When I was at the concert, I had the same realization – what if she did come with me. How would I react if she was standing with me when I heard a song like this for the first time. There was that moment in each show, plus the multitude of deeply seeded emotional songs that I didn’t even realize were ingrained in my being.

Ultimately, it was a stark reminder of my place. I constantly remind myself too. Thankfully, she has never actually told me that she didn’t love me and I am comfortably numb believing that she does.

In the moments that I stumble across the confusion as to how I ended up with such feelings.. I would never expect to find myself in such a situation. I know better – but then I remember – the path in which got me here.. I wouldn’t change anything in fear I would have never met her.. I would love for life to be easier on us both, but if it can not, I appreciate her in my life any way possible.

Anytime I feel like a horrible person, I think about that one post that I read that one time.. yeah the one that I most likely won’t ever forget, but that time I replied before I read it was one of the most embarrassing things that has happened to me – so I suppose it stands out. At the time I felt discriminated against. The older I get, the more I feel protected by the decission..

Emily knows me well. We have been friends since about 05 and she has seen me through my two major relationships. She saw both extremes and supported me through the heart break of my first love. When she was here a few weeks ago, she asked if I still loved Teal. I explained why I didn’t think that I did. I told her that I had seen both Teal and the woman that I have accidentally fallen for and have not seemed to find a way to get back despite great efforts.. and well – we talked about that for a while. She reminded me that it may have been her own decision that it wasn’t best to see me. It made sense..

I really appreciated it when she said, “It sounds like you are handling this very well and being very mature about it – you have grown up a lot.” It was true, but there was a level of respect here that I have never had for someone before, and the worst part is – I often wonder – …what she thinks.

There’s nothing that can’t be turned around

May 13, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Rock • 0

The Garbage concert was one of the best concerts I have been to, somehow they just keep getting better and better, but I was slightly distracted and found myself wanting a pause between songs so that I could check my messages… that never happens – and that is one of those reasons…

When the first song was #1 Crush, I think I blushed a little and thought the same thing I thought at the Melissa Etheridge concert… what would I have done if she had come with me, then she would be standing next to me as I felt some songs that meant a lot to me – it felt like quite the vulnerable place that I still did not know how to handle just yet.

There were a few songs that they didn’t play that I really wanted to hear, but it was a 2 hour set and she is 52… so I really can’t ask for anything more. If I were choosing a set list for San Antonio, Texas – I would probably think to leave Queer and Androgyny out too.. but it was an amazing show and they played a lot off of their self titled album and version 2.0 which are my favorites.