Traditional pop music consists of Western popular music that generally pre-dates the advent of rock and roll in the mid-1950s. The most popular and enduring songs from this style of music are known as pop standards or American standards.
It’s been a long few days and I am just holding my breath and trying not to worry about her. She has been on vacation for a few days and I am not really sure how long she will be gone. I can’t imagine that her work would let her off for very long. I was doing just fine and we were exchanging messages each morning and night and then at some point yesterday Tam started to worry about her and ask me questions – Tam doesn’t know how to be soft and gentle with me – so she just starts throwing it all out there and telling me about random cards she pulled about M – she doesn’t even know her but I guess I radiate enough energy, all of my friends practically believe that she is my future gf as much as I do – so they treat her as such.
She started asking me a lot of questions about her vacation that I just didn’t have the answers to. She asked me if she was in control or was along for the ride – told me they seemed lost or confused about their destination. She asked me who she was with and I knew none of it. I explained to her that I don’t ask most questions because I trust her to tell me what she wants to tell me and I never want to make her feel like she has to lie to me – so I would rather just not know.
When she didn’t get online last night after my emotions were stirred a little, I tried not to let it bother me. I was out with my friends but grew heavily distracted when I didn’t hear from her – I thought it was ridiculous so I tried not to think much of it or bother her with my concerns. Tam’s words were just all coming back to me and I started to wonder if there was any truth in it. A vacation where he and she are travelling by car is the last thing my nerves need right now, but instead of talking about the way I dig myself into emotional holes – I will just remain calm and watch vigilantly.
It’s been a while since I have written. I tried to make some changes after I turned 31 and moving on was going to be one of them. That didn’t go as planned, but I did start dressing nicer at work, which flowed over into my daily life, because I am not one to change my outfit multiple times a day.
Since I last wrote, I started talking to a friend’s friend – and the entire time, I was more concerned with what M was going that what she was. She could obviously tell, asking if i was going on a date when I would see her.. I don’t know what it was that I did, but I made it suspicious and nothing was even going on. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I have had vivid dreams about her for the last 2 nights.
The first dream was us messaging each other online – which was supposed to be gmail in my mind, but it clearly wasn’t. It was more of a cheap version of instant messaging like you see on older movies complete with the Mac noise for message received.
In that dream, I asked something like “Does he trust me yet?” and she replied with, “There is no he.” Typing dialogue has always seemed difficult for me, so I will apologize now for blatantly ignoring grammar rules in this paragraph. I know how it is supposed to be but in my blog, it’s like this. I then made a half ass joke about respecting any pro nouns that a human wishes to use.. and she laughed, said she needed that and followed it by ‘That’s not what I meant.’
As I read her last words, my nervousness about her, that I was sure had faded – came right back – full force. I was nervous, shy and didn’t know what to say all of a sudden. She does that to me. I have been working for years to convince myself that she is just my friend and will never be anything else.. the sheer opportunity in my dream left me speechless.
That is actually a dream that I had last Friday night, because I was thinking about it as I was drunk and riding in my friend’s car home from a party Saturday night. I decided to keep it to myself, because – well, besides the fact that I deem it inappropriate.. I share way too much information with her and that is one more thing that I need to work on in this 31st year of life..
The dream that I had last night, leaves me thinking that I thought about that dream way too much over the weekend:
The dream last night was less detailed or I can not recall it as well as I can the other one. The part that stands out most of my facial expression and reaction. I really don’t think that there was more to the dream than this..
I guess I should start with saying that I haven’t talked to M much this month and last night she messaged me asking me how I was feeling. I have been sick. Simple things like a message or email from her leaves my head in the clouds for hours at least.. so that happened..
and then I had a dream at some point last night.
She seemed to be meeting me somewhere and said, ‘I’m still not really supposed to see you.’ I looked at her concerningly and said, ‘Okay.’ I have no idea what the next few words were but somehow she said, ‘Yeah, my new boyfriend’s name is Lawrence and he’s just not big on the idea.’ You can only image how much my heart sunk. It was so fast that it hit the floor and shattered and I know that it was all over my face. That is all that I can remember.. really – all I know is that she had a new boyfriend named Lawrence – the rest of it, I haven’t a clue. It was enough to bring my world to a crashing halt, thus reminding me that just because I can ignore my feelings if I want to, it doesn’t make them any less meaningful or extreme, they come right back the minute that I stop actively trying to ignore them.
When I suddenly ended up with more free time than I knew what to do with, my friends tried to help. Maddie had heard me talk about records. I didn’t know much about them. It was only in the last year that I ever sat down and listened to a record. When she saw my interest peak, she gave me a small Jensen record player that she had extra. It had internal speakers and she thought it sounded like shit. I showed her the connections on the back and told her how to hook up real speakers to it but since she already had a better one, she said it was all mine.
I have collected some records from half priced books and bought a few from my friend that used to own the hemp store downtown. Torie gave me my most recent record. It’s called The Original 22 Countrypolitan hits. It’s about as emotional as the greatest hits of Eddie Arnold that I bought because I used to listen to it with my grandma in the car. I guess I had never had my heart broken at that time because I hear a lot more in these songs now.
I would be lying if I said each of those didn’t make me think of someone and cry just the slightest tear.
