How can I forget you girl?
Pop
Pop music is a genre of popular music that originated in its modern form in the United States and United Kingdom during the mid-1950s. The terms “popular music” and “pop music” are often used interchangeably, although the former describes all music that is popular and includes many diverse styles.
Bad at Love
Halsey “Bad at Love”
I never meant to start a war
On the way home from work, I remember October of 2013.
Miley Cyrus “Wrecking Ball”
The world around us disappears
I am posting this dream a day later, so I hope that I have not forgotten much of it. The dream was the first dream in a series that I have had and been able to remember so well.
It’s hard to pin point exactly how it started, but I was over by a close friend’s house on my bike and somehow I ended up inside. I heard someone coming and knew that I wasn’t supposed to be there, so I hid in this room that seemed more like a pantry stacked full of random items. My friend’s partner came in the room and found me. I felt like I was hiding like a scared mouse. I was confused as to why I was in their house, but he seemed less than surprised.
I stood near the door way talking to him. The topic of conversation escapes me but it was a calm and casual conversation. She sat behind me shaking her head ‘no’ as if she didn’t want me to say something, but there was nothing controversial being said. I came to and left from the house a few times. The house was debilitates and the best way that I can describe it is it was like a rundown drug house. The front room was made out of a school bus that was falling apart and had been painted white. There seemed to be way too many people living there and I found out that she was sleeping on a pull out couch with several other people, so I urged her to leave with me. She never seemed willing to leave.
The area seemed like a war zone, I had to stay alert as I rode my bike over to her house each time. Once I was passing her house as I heard the car approaching, it sputtered and broke down right out side the house and I was attempting to help him fix it.
In one of the times that I was coming or going, I starting talking to this girl, she introduced herself with the same name as my friend. I didn’t think much of it but later I told my friend and she gave me a concerned look and told me that this girl’s name was Ophelia and she has no idea why she would lie and tell me otherwise. She suggested that I stay away from her because she was bad news.
Throughout the dream, I was trying to convince my friend that she should leave with me and that she deserved better than this. She continuously refused, but I could see in her eyes that she wanted to go.
At some point in my dream, I had had my bike right there with me and the next thing I knew, it was missing. I searched for it frantically for a moment and then suddenly gave up and just walked off.
After I told someone about my dream and started to think about it more, more details came back to me. I looked up a few things and I was surprised as to what I found.
The name Ophelia is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Ophelia is: Help.
To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own. If you are riding a push bike, then it means that you want to move forward at your own pace and by your own power.
Shack
To see a shack in your dream represents your undeveloped self. You need to expand your Self. Alternatively, the dream may also be a pun on “shacking up”.
Car
To dream that your car won’t start indicates that you are feeling powerless in some situation.
To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. However, you may be getting ready to reveal something and confess before somebody finds out. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher…), implies feelings of guilt.
To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life.
As large as life she stood there
It had been a good while since I had talked to her last. Almost exactly a month, because the first day that I hung out with the gf, I told her about how I had gotten drunk the night before. I am way too honest. I explained why I was upset, what I said and how she didn’t say much. She reassured me the next day but then we didn’t talk again until this weekend. This song came on in my dad’s truck sometime last week. It reminded me that I probably… that I won’t be going to visit her next month as I had planned.. its about 2 weeks away. It’s been three years. My new girlfriend was helping me clean my room.. and mentioned my calendar that is left on July 2013.. These are the moments that get me in trouble.
baby it’s cold outside
It’s been a while since I have written. I tried to make some changes after I turned 31 and moving on was going to be one of them. That didn’t go as planned, but I did start dressing nicer at work, which flowed over into my daily life, because I am not one to change my outfit multiple times a day.
Since I last wrote, I started talking to a friend’s friend – and the entire time, I was more concerned with what M was going that what she was. She could obviously tell, asking if i was going on a date when I would see her.. I don’t know what it was that I did, but I made it suspicious and nothing was even going on. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I have had vivid dreams about her for the last 2 nights.
The first dream was us messaging each other online – which was supposed to be gmail in my mind, but it clearly wasn’t. It was more of a cheap version of instant messaging like you see on older movies complete with the Mac noise for message received.
In that dream, I asked something like “Does he trust me yet?” and she replied with, “There is no he.” Typing dialogue has always seemed difficult for me, so I will apologize now for blatantly ignoring grammar rules in this paragraph. I know how it is supposed to be but in my blog, it’s like this. I then made a half ass joke about respecting any pro nouns that a human wishes to use.. and she laughed, said she needed that and followed it by ‘That’s not what I meant.’
As I read her last words, my nervousness about her, that I was sure had faded – came right back – full force. I was nervous, shy and didn’t know what to say all of a sudden. She does that to me. I have been working for years to convince myself that she is just my friend and will never be anything else.. the sheer opportunity in my dream left me speechless.
That is actually a dream that I had last Friday night, because I was thinking about it as I was drunk and riding in my friend’s car home from a party Saturday night. I decided to keep it to myself, because – well, besides the fact that I deem it inappropriate.. I share way too much information with her and that is one more thing that I need to work on in this 31st year of life..
The dream that I had last night, leaves me thinking that I thought about that dream way too much over the weekend:
The dream last night was less detailed or I can not recall it as well as I can the other one. The part that stands out most of my facial expression and reaction. I really don’t think that there was more to the dream than this..
I guess I should start with saying that I haven’t talked to M much this month and last night she messaged me asking me how I was feeling. I have been sick. Simple things like a message or email from her leaves my head in the clouds for hours at least.. so that happened..
and then I had a dream at some point last night.
She seemed to be meeting me somewhere and said, ‘I’m still not really supposed to see you.’ I looked at her concerningly and said, ‘Okay.’ I have no idea what the next few words were but somehow she said, ‘Yeah, my new boyfriend’s name is Lawrence and he’s just not big on the idea.’ You can only image how much my heart sunk. It was so fast that it hit the floor and shattered and I know that it was all over my face. That is all that I can remember.. really – all I know is that she had a new boyfriend named Lawrence – the rest of it, I haven’t a clue. It was enough to bring my world to a crashing halt, thus reminding me that just because I can ignore my feelings if I want to, it doesn’t make them any less meaningful or extreme, they come right back the minute that I stop actively trying to ignore them.
I’m Not The Kind Of Girl You’d Bring Home
Today, as I drove home from work on my lunch break, the radio took me back… the first song is one that I have always loved… Here’s a little Sheryl Crow.
If I thought that I was going to escape that thought process quickly.. I was wrong. I may have woken up thinking about her… but it wasn’t going to end there. The next song that came on was a song that I started dreading about a year ago, when I actually had heard the words. I feel like it was about this time last year. I know that I was headed to get my hair cut and I even remember where I parked on the square to allow the song to finish before I turned off my car to get out… now I hear the words intensely, as if someone was speaking to me.. or more like.. her. It’s a good way to make me feel inadequate quickly. I am sure that it has nothing to do with what she meant the song to be about.. but it sounds quite clear to me.
Honestly, it hurts a little, every time that I hear the song..
You would think that I would stop listening to it. As I listen to it too many times and watch the words play above.. makes me realize – that we are all 3 so similar in personality, that it seems caddy but its really just this whole ball of tension that I will never be able to understand or explain. This song gets to me about as much as the Gotye song. and the last line. the last line always makes my stomach sink and picture what my own custom video would like look in that song. he would be singing the entire song. im not even phased that its a female singer – someone. i always see her face at the end, saying that all miley cirus wrecking ball style.. i should go watch that and cry.. i am so much more emotional that most people know. i feel like we all struggle with sexuality and gender in some way. i never really thought that about him but i know that growing up he was smaller than most of the guys and he’s not that tall now.. i dont know how being a guy works.. i avoid them most of the time. life has beome so complicated that i dont even know anymore. i just see patterns and try to come up with a reason. there is no reason or solution, just continue to do what youre supposed to be doing and everything will work out. it may be the biggest lie that i have ever told myself, but only time can tell.
