But wouldn’t it be beautiful?

December 2, 2019January 5, 2020 • by admin • In Music, Pop • Comments Off

This wasn’t really a song that I was ever into. To me, the song boarder lines bubblegum pop music and I know that I am at least far too cool for that. This song came out right around the time that I graduated high school. At the time I was attending mostly metal and hard rock shows. There was no way that someone could even pay me to stand around and listen to this crap – or wear a colored t-shirt for that matter.

I have gone through my share of phases but it turns out that being a lesbian was not one of them. No one ever actually said that it was a phase for me. I am sure plenty of them hoped that it was but knew that even mentioning that would only dare me to prove them wrong.

My family has had to do a lot of adapting because of me and though they are not perfect at it, nothing bad has happened to me yet. My grandmother was terrified about what would happen when my dad found out. She actually encouraged me to move out on my own for that very reason though she never said it directly. He was a conservative republican with a lot of guns and a lesbian daughter that just didn’t talk about it. Everyone knew how much he loved me but they still weren’t sure what would happen. I can’t imagine how many years of worry I have caused several members of my family. My life has always been quite hostile or possibly more volatile.

So now that I realize nothing that I have said has anything to do with this video or why I am posting it tonight. Well, it all started when I saw that Alanis Morissette is touring with Garbage and Liz Phair this morning. I quickly messaged her and told her about it and we made plans to go see them but then I realized I really didn’t know who Liz Phair was. I thought about Lilith Fair but didn’t know if it was just because it sounded similar. I thought she was known for her feminist agenda and it turns out that she is associated with both but I could only find this one song by her. I would imagine the older ones were before my time. I was still listening to Jimmy Buffett and country music depending on which house hold I was staying in.

So I start to listen to the song and the music is like nails on a chalkboard to me but I can tolerate the lyrics, because, I too am not right at times. Here you have it, Liz Phair – some 90s singer that I should know but do not.

Why Can’t I? (2003)

It’s not confidential, I’ve got potential

October 1, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Heartland rock, Indie Rock, Music, New Wave, Pop • 0

This song came on the radio this morning and before I knew it, I was thinking about the day that my sister had her first sisterly love talk with me.

We didn’t grow up together. I am the oldest and my father has a large family. I grew to resent my siblings at a young age because I was jealous and didn’t understand. My dad did his best to explain compassion and generosity to me but as a child that dealt with getting made fun of for being poor all my life only to transition into getting made fun of because I was a lesbian – it just didn’t seem fair that my dad helped kids that weren’t even his but that’s another long drawn out story – today, I just want to bring light to the fact that my sister spent about 10 years in foster-care until she aged out. This makes her view on family a lot stronger than mine – because I take everything for granted.

My sister moved in with me in July of 2013 because she had been living out of motels with her boyfriend while my parents struggled to take care of her kids for a few months. When she moved in with me – we were pretty close. She paid attention to things that a brother would never notice. She watched me fall in love with a girl and then she watched me fall apart with confusion. At the time, I had spent the last 5 years of my life protecting my heart and then I met her. Suddenly I forgot to play defense and it was over in no time – but my sister know what happened 5 years prior. She knew that I was not really interested in caring for anyone because I knew that they would just hurt me eventually, so she was shocked when I was quick to forget all of that just a month prior when I met her.

At this point a few months had passed. My sister knew lesbians better than I did by now just because she was a good listener – and a woman. There are not many people left that will try to tell me what to do or give me advice because they know that I will just do what I want to do anyway and this was no different but my sister tried her best to be the best sister possible and I feel like I pretty much called her a liar or suggested she was confused. Her facial expression said it all (Something like – well, I guess I will have to tell her I told you so later…) It was a sad defeated look. There are a few people in the world that absolutely hate when I get my heart ripped out and she is one of them.

She had been at Walmart that day with my oldest niece, which was about 5 at the time. They saw my love interest from afar and my niece yelled her name and wanted to chase her down – she was equally as excited about her.

My sister noticed that she was with a guy and as she gently put it to me, ‘she was sure they were more than just friends.’ I didn’t believe her and told her that she had to be wrong or misunderstood. We were no longer dating and hadn’t been for quite some time but I was still holding my breathe for the next moment I would get to spend with her and my sister was watching from a distance. At the time I had no idea. I couldn’t reference a time frame but it had to be within a few months of meeting her. By December, I had dug myself into an internet hole called craigslist and shot myself in the foot – but I learned a valuable lesson that day – well many. The first one is – Don’t get mad and leave work when your rebound tells you that you can’t be her side chick anymore. AND Don’t get overly excited when you see photos of someone that you are pining over and instantly message them without reading the actual post – because it might just surprise you. And you might wish you had just stayed at work with the other problem that you created. That was December 17, 2014. Next I will go see what I wrote about that.

Prior to that she was at Walmart buying a bike – and my little niece that loved her saw her and my sister started playing defense all around. Kid – don’t interrupt them right now. Sis – there’s something you need to know. At least the 5 year old listened. My dumb ass didn’t think twice about it and told said lady that they saw her at Walmart that day – excitedly – when she mentioned the bike… I may never learn.

Anyway – here is some damn song that made me think about that crap this morning.

Bring you comics in bed

August 18, 2019August 18, 2019 • by admin • In Country pop, Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop • 0

There is this dream that I had – it must have been weeks ago. I know that I wrote about it but I won’t link back to it at the moment. The way the dream starts seems to vary because I remember multiple beginnings but in the end I am always at her house.

There’s a part that is becoming more prominent that wasn’t in the first dreams. While we are sitting on the couch right as I get there – the couch is back against the wall that would lead to the kitchen. I have never been there but I have been in the house before so that leads to a whole new level of confusion for my little brain.

As I am sitting on the couch, I look up and concentrate on the beams above me and then look over at the wood burning stove, almost as a way to remind me that this is something very familiar and not to be nervous or afraid as I feel myself – questioning my decision. She seems to be out of the room in those seconds – as I don’t seem to feel the same way when she is near, only in those silent moments in between.

There was a point in time that she would come and go in my life every so often and every time I had managed to grab her attention – in those moments before seeing her, I would be more than nervous. One of my friends, Crys, was over quite often at the time and she would always have a great way of asking me what I was worried about and reminding me – that that something. It reminds me of those moments.

The main point of all of these words is that in my dream, we hang out in the living room for a while. In my dream last night, she turned to me and kissed me somewhat out of nowhere. I feel like I would have noticed if that had happened before. This time she looked at me and smiled. She said, “I know that you think this is a bad idea, but will you come lay down with me.” Her facial expression said a lot more than her words did. I couldn’t help but smile because it was one of the sweetest things I had seen.

I followed her into the dark where there was a TV lighting up the room. He was there, slightly propped up in the back corner of the room on the bed. Watching the TV which was near or in the closet. She laid down, with a good human’s width between them and then I laid down on the edge on her shoulder and she was on her back. From that point it is always the same. She touches me softly and I can’t stop attempting to control my heart rate because I know that she can feel it against her. It may just be getting more detailed each time. The first dream was so fast I nearly had to put a few pieces together.

Maybe – I should just stop thinking about how much I want to fall asleep in her arms every night and maybe then I won’t have such weird dreams.

If it makes you happy

Beautiful Dream

She’s got a smile that heals me

August 7, 2019August 7, 2019 • by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock, Soft Rock • 0

Thank you, BOB FM, for introducing me to such music right before bed.

It takes a special type of recluse to be introduced to a song that was recorded over 10 years before you were born. I suppose, that wouldn’t be common knowledge.

Today, I tried my best to tell her something really deep in my heart, as much as you can over a text type communication. There were moments after we said goodnight that I wanted to tell her, “I care about you deeply” because I just feel like there are so many emotions loaded into those words, but maybe it’s just me. It my memory is as accurate as I think it is, the first time that I told her that was right before she left to San Francisco. It meant – I loved her but feared the shear idea of such a thing. Tonight, I felt the need to say all that, but instead, I said goodnight.

Then there are the songs that I have been listening to for as long as I can remember. I have always heard the words but never understood what they could possibly mean – tonight, I realize – every pop song can’t be speaking to me – but I have decided to turn off BOB because apparently, my mind is else where.

I hate when I have to ask what the difference between creepy and romantic is and so far everyone can only tell me, it depends on if they like it. How terrifying is that when you have no idea. Luckily for me, I don’t think I was creepy but I was always afraid that pure human emotion was a thing of the past. This song has always seem somewhere in between to me.

For I cannot find the words to say I need you so

August 1, 2019August 4, 2019 • by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop, Rock • 0

There are no words needed with this post.

And show you all the beauty you possess

July 8, 2019July 8, 2019 • by admin • In Music, Pop, Punk • 0

I really hate to say it, but I start to notice when I have forgotten to take my medicine just a few days it. Today makes 3. I cleaned the bathroom and apparently, if its out of site, I forget about it. If only life were so simple, but once again – I really won’t ever wish for that again.

Emotions and feelings seem to be a big struggle. It seems easier to just take medicine and avoid them at all cost, but what about when you start to miss them? Then there is always the moment when you are reminded that those are what seem to get you in trouble.

For some reason, I am back to where I was about 20 years ago – feeling like my family is completely embarrassed of me and that I would be better off if I just didn’t like / care about anyone at all – but I remember that and it was a sad pointless time in my life.

Today, when I saw this video again, I wondered if I was the boy or if I was the dog. It felt all too familiar – and something that I don’t even want to talk about and don’t share with anyone. There is actually not a person in the world that I tell them how I feel about them. Though I do my best to be as open as possible with one – then I always start to panic – because what if.

I have never heard this song before, but I guess I found it tonight. I really would never listen to it but I guess I need some songs that I have never posted before.

Now how about some more gay ass music since I am secure in my sexuality – when I don’t think about it too long, that is.

Laugh if you but this is the best one yet.

I like it when she sings other people’s music – but hers is awful. But damn, I do love Sarah McLaughlin. I never really understood exactly what this song was all about – but I have always been quite partial.

You know that I’m no good

March 21, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Music, Pop, Pop Rock, Soul music • Comments Off

Yesterday, I read this information online about Hyperthymesia and then I went to take a shower. In the shower, I didn’t even realize that I was thinking about it, but it occurred to me that when she said the thing about painting herself into a corner, it may have been about this one thing I read that left me perplexed and second guessing myself worse than ever – but somehow I found some way to get over it emotionally because I don’t think about it much at all. In the information about people that exhibit signs of hyperthymesia are often people that spend a lot of time replaying events in their head. The reason that I can repeat things like they happened yesterday is because, for me, they did happen yesterday and the day before that and the day before that – all so quickly in my mind I don’t even realize that I am thinking about it but I can practically tell you what that post said and I know that it was in December 2013 – probably on the 17th but that could be a guess. I always feel weird on that day so if its not that day, i seem to think it is. It had been months since we had talked. I’d say in October before she went to San Francisco, but I am getting old, I could be wrong. I know it had been months and I can remember the way my heart lit up when I saw her pictures. I replied instantly and do not have the courage to cross-reference my records in Gmail to see what I even said, but it was bad. I am sure it was along the lines of – To the extent that I understand love, I believe that I am completely in love with you – I am sure there is some logical excuse why you diapered and if there is not tell me anything because I will believe whatever you say. Clearly, I am way smoother than that but I am quite sure she saw right through me before I saw anything coming.

Then I read the post. The title is carved in the side of my forgotten memories. At this time I can only remember playmate, but I would have to shamefully say it is only because I was so jealous after I realized or tried to realize what was going on.

We never talked about it. I never wanted to make her feel uncomfortable and I just decided to leave it alone but somehow my subconsciousness wondered over that way as I thought I was relaxed and not thinking in the shower.

I write too many words so I just think I am going to stop now, but this is the song that was that last thing that played as I drove up to work this morning. I have been listening to some 99.9 and it must be some what local but has good music.