Pop music is a genre of popular music that originated in its modern form in the United States and United Kingdom during the mid-1950s. The terms “popular music” and “pop music” are often used interchangeably, although the former describes all music that is popular and includes many diverse styles.
I flooded my house with the washing machine the other day. Since then I have been pretty tired and on the verge of tears. Visiting Grandma opened that flood gate for me. Since my car had been broken down since before the corona virus outbreak started, I hadn’t been able to go visit her. Finally they asked me to, so I took off a couple of hours from work and went to see her. I took a few pictures – just because I am so afraid of losing everything that I know and love. My life has been relatively stable lately so I don’t really know what is with the flood of emotions on top of my other massive water issues but I am so emotionally exhausted and would like someone to remind me how miserable I became when I did effectively block out most all emotions for about 5 years. Those 5 years practically vanished. I hardly have any reference points or memories at all. There may be a few small joys that come back when referenced or seen in pictures but for the most part – they are just gone.
I really never know what’s going on but ultimately trust her 100% but only trust myself about 85% – so that leads to an internal battle where I convince myself that I am wrong and that I need to just keep to myself and quit being so damn annoying – but this inner monologue is rough. I am my own worst enemy – and now I am stuck with me all alone in some quarantine bullshit while she is with dude.. most all of the time. I wish that I was secure enough for that not to bother me – but it appears that we all knew it. She probably didn’t even want me to know that she was working with him again because she knew that it would make me panic.
Taking my medicine regularly has been difficult too. I have my alarm set for 9:55 and I clock I clock in for work at 10:00 AM – this is another way that I have fucked up my life. We are going back to the office in about 3 weeks from what I understand. I suppose I should start waking up earlier seeing that I typically have a 30 minute commute.
I’m just sad and I don’t even know why but listening to this song did not help matters any.
Today – I have felt completely predictable. Upon my own behalf and from hers as well. Last night we ended up in a conversation where she told me that she didn’t work at her same job anymore due to the virus shit. That’s about all I feel comfortable calling it these days. I was in my kitchen when I read the message and I felt my heart sink. I don’t know why it scares me that she lives and works with him – it just makes me feel like I will never get to see her again and that is the realest fear in my heart.
I know that she loves and and I usually know that she wants me too. My insecurity game runs hard and when he is involved, I practically just admit defeat because I never want to cause her trouble and I never really understand but I do understand that it tears at my heart no matter how hard I try to control it.
My pills only do so much good. Busying myself only helps for so long. Sending her what I would consider to be intimate messages will just have to do. I will continue to pour out my heart and continue if my words are welcome. My master plan seems to be full of holes but all that matters is that she has what she wants and I can’t even say that I am sure of that.
The last week and a half has been incredibly frusterating for me. After my car broke down late at night, with help from my dad, I had it towed to my house. After 2 people have messed with in for over 4 days off and on, I am back to waiting until the weekend for the hope that something will go right. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be looking for a new car soon – and I have that feeling.
I have been fortunate to have plenty of people willing to help me get back and forth to work. With my job, I am completely prepared to work from home at any given moment. Just a few days ago, I picked up four hours that I was able to work from home to cover for another employee. Where that becomes a bad thing is when my car is broken, I am struggling so get up the courage to ask my boss if I can work from home for a few days and he declines.. because he doesn’t want people to take advantage of it. He knows damn well my car is very broken – so that translates to that he has no control of the team, to me.
I had a performance review with said boss today and he had nothing but positive and kind feedback. He paused to try to come up with something that needed improving and laughed his way out of the fact that he had none. He told me that I was up for a promotion but that we didn’t get the raises until September. I will almost feel bad if I am the only one that gets promoted out of the 3 of us in the position but I guess that’s what it’s like when you are working on such a small team.
As I floated my way through my day dream – I joked with myself on the way to a bathroom break later in the day; “Now if my future-girlfriend would just promote me.” I can’t imagine that she would know that I call her that but it’s been going on for way longer than I would be willing to admit. Calling her my ex gf would be completely confusing. I try not to even refer to her by her first name most of the time because of this one time this one thing happened. Basically, if she has ever raised her voice even the slightest when talking to me, I immediately attempted to stop doing whatever it was I was doing to cause that. Then I remind myself that life was a lot different back then but I just try to keep my excited girl self quiet HOWEVER the need to refer to my future girlfriend comes up now and then and that’s what comes out.
The first time someone hears me say it they ask questions like, “…What?!?” Then I simply give a sentence or two statement and act like it’s completely normal. Then I just accuse them of not understanding lesbians if they even think twice about it.
Later in the day, a friend called me on the phone. We talked about a site that I am working on for his job and we moved on to him offering me a place to stay if need be when the time comes. I should handle these situations better because I never do it right but somewhere in there I said that I wasn’t looking for a roommate because my girlfriend would be moving in with me at some point. It just slipped out because.. I didn’t really think that he knows much about my life and just seemed easiest but suddenly he got really excited for me and I had to explain that I had no explanation as to why I said that… but she was just still my future girlfriend. Who needs labels anyway. she knows that she is my love and I think that’s all that matters.
And when we meet Which I’m sure we will All that was there Will be there still
• byadmin • InMusic, Pop, Pop Rock • Comments Off on I’ll be the one, if you want me to
There is this new polar bear commercial that uses this song, but less than 30 seconds of it. They are about to ruin this song just like they did the Sarah McLachlan song that no one will ever hear the same again.
They keep playing it on the local channels that I have and it leaves a feeling in the pit of my stomach that would be hard for me to explain to most. If you read the other posts with it in them – I should it would be a start.
It leaves me grateful of where I am in life and it reminds me of how offended I was when it came out. I scoffed at the song and took it as a challenge. Over 6 years ago, I knew – that I wasn’t going to give up on her but I did have moments that I was desperate to hear from her and this song carved scars in my bones. Tonight, she tells me that she wants to bathe in the universe with me and I feel complete. Then I suggested that I would climb through her window for her. I sure hope that she always finds my quirks endearing and that I never cross over any weird lines.
My heart was broken before this song ever came out, so when it did – I was already ‘vying for her touch.’ With every note of the piano, my heart breaks a little more. The first few years that I heard this song was more than painful. I would listen to Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball, Rihanna’s Stay. I was the toughest of lesbians. Passenger’s ‘Let Her Go’ frequented my playlist – but there was something about this song that brought me to a halt every single time.
I am so certain of the way that it made me feel, I know that if I were to look back on old posts, I would mention that I wouldn’t really give up on her – but maybe I should stop emailing her.. daily.
There were times that I convinced myself to stop. There were moments that I let my friends convince me that I was bothering her and completely wrong not to mention the epitome of assholes. There was extreme guilt involved coming from multiple directions – but she had a way of always letting me know that was not the case.
The dreams continued last night, so much so that I slept until nearly 3 PM. I woke up plenty of times but didn’t want to get out of bed, so I just kept going back to sleep. I felt like I was having a good dream but it may have been a mixture of sorts. I could not tell you where one dream started or stopped, so as far as I know, it was just one big dream. I will grace over s few themes that I felt were important.
This was the second dream to include a bicycle in the last few nights. Each time the bike looked similar. Last night it occurred later in the dream. I was alone and going down a steep bike path. It was rocking and all over the place. I seemed to be doing just fine but when I got to the bottom of the hill it seemed to be a dead end into someone’s house. I started to crawl under a fence and a small dog came up to me and growled. I stepped back and eventually an old man on a golf cart came up on the side of the fence with the house. He told me that I passed the last exit back there about a half of a mile. I looked back up the hill trying to figure out how I could ever get back up there when my friends showed up on the other side and the guy left me go through his fence. At this point in my dream, I didn’t know if she was still with my friends, but there she was with the rescue crew and I was so excited to see that she had not gone home yet.
Prior to that I had been in a panic. My grandmother’s house was being sold and I could not afford to buy it. I was beyond distraught. That is about where my love entered the dream. She was always right there with my trying to help me come up with a plan.
There were several other scenarios in the dream but I can’t even think of them right now. We kept getting separated but every time that I would meet back up with my friends, she was always right there with them smiling at me.
Tonight, I read this article and took a pretty nice picture of the full moon.
To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own. If you are riding a push bike, then it means that you want to move forward at your own pace and by your own power.
To see a bicycle in your dream indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.
If the color of the bicycle was particularly important or memorable, then the dream often relates to specific childhood memories. If you had a yellow bicycle or the neighbor down the street had a red one, then the dream is about what you were going through during that period of your life.
The bicycle in both dreams were grey or silver but I don’t know what that would mean.
To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. In general, the attic represents your intellect, the basement represents the subconscious, etc. If the house is empty, then it indicates feelings of insecurity. If the house is shifting, then it suggests that you are going through some personal changes and changing your belief system. To dream that a house has no walls represents a lack of privacy. You feel that everyone is looking over your shoulder or up in your business.
To see a rock in your dream symbolizes strength, permanence, stability and integrity, as conveyed in the common phrase “as solid as a rock”. The dream may also indicate that you are making a commitment to a relationship or that you are contemplating some changes in your life that will lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation. Alternatively, a rock represents stubbornness, disharmony and unhappiness.
To dream that you are climbing a rock signifies your determination, ambition and struggle. If the rock is particularly steep, then it refers to obstacles and disappointments.
If you are walking on rocks in your dream, then it indicates that you are on shaky ground. You may be involved in an uneasy situation. The dream may also be telling you not to get too comfortable or too arrogant.
That dream played over and over in my head today, even though I was quite busy, I still couldn’t shake it. When I first woke up from it, I was still pretty nervous – feeling like I just got screamed at in my face extremely aggressively but the more time passed, the more I just felt the elated emotions of her reaction.
There were moments in the day when I had the attitude of, “What the hell is he doing in my dreams? This is not how that is supposed to go.” I feel pretty stupid when I enjoy my dreams so much. There I was, in dreamland spending time with my dream lady – and there comes Mr. Ironic to fuck everything up. He isn’t quite a ‘beautiful wife’ by any means but that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t feel like it once in a while. Let it be known that my dream self does not plan to be submissive again. HAH okay I am joking – even if my compartmentalization game is strong, I can’t actually control my dreams or the way they leave me feeling.
This morning was actually my psych appointment. I have to go every 3 months because in early 2018. I decided to try going to MHMR since I felt the need to prove to everyone that I was trying not to be a raging asshole all of the time. Since then, my job has chanced and I escaped the abusive relationship that I ended up in so there really isn’t much left to talk about. He asks me about my dreams. I have shared themes of my reoccurring dreams with he, he confirmed they were anxiety dreams but I don’t typically share many details with him about anything. He knows that I am in love with someone that isn’t allowed to see me. On that front, he has actually been quite supportive. He has never told me that I should stay away from her or distance myself as he had about my ex and my previous job. He had wanted me to seek employment somewhere else, but I told him it simply wasn’t economical for me to do so – but then last year, they laid me off, so that took care of that problem.
Today, I told him about how the baby screaming and Shawn’s dogs whining really got to me the other day. I didn’t tell him that I took a Xanax over it and went to sleep. Those are supposed to be for emergencies – but when I was doing my best to be nice to a screaming kid that wanted the exact keyboard that I was using for more than an hour straight, I just couldn’t deal anymore.
What I want to know is why my dream self sheepishly just walked away when I was told to? Shouldn’t I be some sort of badass in my dreams? Couldn’t I have extended my overly muscely arm over and picked him up by the neck and told him, “If you fucking hurt her, I will kill you.” That’s what my dream self should do. Instead, I stood there as he screamed in my face telling me to get the hell out of his house. Once I was not frozen with fear, I started to leave, only pausing at the door to walk back and ask her is she was okay. That’s when she begged me just to go and said she would catch up with me shortly. I think one of the hardest parts about the dream is the her facial expressions that are stuck in my mind. She seemed so afraid and panicked. I just had to walk away, because I thought it was what she wanted – and it was so hard. The dream ended when I rode a silver mountain bike a few houses down to my own house.
After she said she would meet up with me soon, he added that she wouldn’t. The next moment is actually the most important part of it all because she very sternly said that she was not with him and he would not tell her what to do anymore. The strength in her voice allowed me to walk away knowing that she could emotionally handle the situation. It didn’t really make it easier, but I did walk away – because she asked me to.
Today, when I heard that she was sick, I was determined to learn to make vegetarian noodle soup, though I knew there wasn’t a chance that she’d ever get to try it – but before noon, I knew I was making soup for dinner.
I think I told her I was going to learn to make it for her or even practice, but I try to minimize my oddities that most laugh at – but the soup was good for anyone that would like to know.
Come Away With Me (2002)
Turn Me On (2002)
For the historical record and my future book, here is my first vegetarian soup, which I named noodle noodle soup.
This was the recipe (Classic Vegan Noodle Soup) that I based it off of but there were a lot of changes, because celery is gross and I don’t know how to buy onions. Did you know pearl onions are hard to dice? I thought it was a great idea so I didn’t have to store a cut onion. I also used egg noodles since I was not concerned about the vegan aspect only vegetarian.
Today, throughout our daily texts, I told her that I wanted to rewrite history casually, but told her I would explain later. What I didn’t say, is that right after I sent this email that I am about to post from 6 years ago, I then proceeded to go back to the craigslist ad that had made my heart skip a beat just minutes prior when I saw my future’s photo pop back up on my screen.
This email would haunt me for years to come. It would be the concrete item that tied back to that moment of – well I will not define that emotion right now but what happened next was not what I expected. It’s something that lead to a lot of personal grown ultimately, but at the time it felt like a ton of bricks knocking the wind out of me. As I meteorically stood there thing to catch my breath it suddenly occurred to me, if she did in fact care about me the way I truly believed and still believe that she cares about me – then my first email will probably feel about the same when she reads it.
I have never felt worse about such an innocent email but I learned not to reply to things before I actually read them no matter what it could say. There is no need to reference what the post said because I am afraid that I won’t forget it and I am sure she can remember the direction or at least the lines that she might have preferred for me not to stumble upon.
It don’t really bother me much now because, well it became my reality but at the time, I haven’t a clue.. at all – and it only lead to other discoveries. It wasn’t long ago that I decided to figure out what day it was I zoomed in on the Planet K app and saw a familiar name accidentally, shockingly but accidentally all the same. That was February 13th, so it took about 2 months to figure out who.. which didn’t make the world any easier.
Now I will back track and tell you why I was at home mid day on a work day reading w4w craigslist ads.
There was a point in my life when I was afraid and I just wanted to erase it all. For some reason, I feel like the way to do that is to get in ridiculously irresponsible situations that will always lead to disappoint. usually it involved a cute, straight girl, but I have no idea why I think that is safe. You never take it seriously, because you know that it is not real. They feel the same way and usually have a boyfriend. In this case, her boyfriend knows and claims to be fine with us spending time together. She had a few kids and she worked with me. On this day, she decided to tell me that she needs to choose her boyfriend and we need to stop hanging out. I was irritated more than anything. This was actually the first in a series of events that I could not see coming. I am glad I decided to attempt this with women that I was not specifically emotionally attached to because it was about to escalate quickly. I still thought I was quite attractive and a catch back 6 years ago – so I decided to leave work upset and quickly ended up online ‘to find someone better to distract myself with.’
Within minute I was completely distracted but I don’t think that it was the direction that I was expecting. It was by a woman.. a very attractive one.. but not a stranger. When I clicked on her post, I was filled with excitement. It included 3 photos of her and before I so much as read the first sentence – I responded with the above email as if it was an accident that we lost touch. I was head over heels for her and everything seemed wonderful – until it didn’t. This would have been several months later but apparently I hadn’t a clue for that long. The farther I read, the worse it got. That’s about the moment that I got offended but it wasn’t personal. I don’t know what it was. Possibly political. For the first time, I felt discriminated against because I was a lesbian.. just like all the bisexual women usually talk about. I am not even sure what I was thinking at that point but I know that I wanted to know why I was not good enough.
I refuse to look at many past emails because I only embarrass myself but I know that I must have read that post more than 100 times. It hurt. I was mad. I didn’t even know what I was mad about and we never really talked about it – but I always felt guilty about the way she must have felt after she read it, knowing what I was about to walk into.
