This was the second time in the last few weeks or months that I have slept through my alarm at work only to wake to the second alarm that is telling me that it’s time to leave. It’s rather surprising that both times, I have woke up with a very strong feeling remembering the dream that it feels like I just woke up from.

The last time that it happened was on a Friday. In the dream, all that I remember was that she was holding me close, laying in a bed promising me that it would be alright. It has been a long time since I had heard from her, this was sometime into September. That day, she sent me a message telling me that she had accepted 2 jobs hoping to choose one of the two once she knew which one she liked more. I was driving home on my lunch break to finish my shift from home when I received that message. It may have been the last Friday in August, we were just getting approved to work from home starting in September and I let everyone leave at lunch to finish the day working from home. I was so excited upon reading that message – I don’t even know how to slow down and choose my words wisely in moments like that so I actually have no idea what it said. Those messages are gone so I may never know. I thought that it would be followed by more but within a week or two, she stopped reading my messages completely – I can only imagine that it’s for safety. I get so focused on certain things that I don’t even know if I would recognize if I was doing something wrong at this point. I have spent so many years convincing myself that it is not me or my short comings in like that when it is – I will be completely oblivious. Sadly, I have to give myself pep talks often to remind myself that I am not a worthless human riddled with mistakes.

She read my last messages when I was at six flags for my company picnic. I was a bit sad that day because I was certain that she would be here by then and was quite convinced, in my own mind, that we would get to go together. Though I didn’t even really get a chance to tell her about it and she was likely at work all the same.

The real point of this post was to document the dream from last night, I have been picturing it in graphic novel format though it was just a normal ol dream where we said a few impactful words and then it was over. In those dreams, I don’t see a thing. It is usually completely black and void of anything but voices. I can only compare it to things I have seen in movies but in this moment, nothing comes to me. Maybe a scene in the never ending story when the empress talks to him. I don’t catalogue information like that well.

I do not know the quote word for word but she said something along the lines of ‘consider the pattern, J.’ The word choice in my dreams has been quite peculiar in recent years. My dreams must be bored with my typical southern accent and mild vocabulary. I responded with a puzzled look. She followed up with asking, ‘What do you think we are waiting for?’ I answered without hesitation with a questioning inflection: “For him to calm down?” Just like that, there was a micro expression telling me that she knew that I would be able to get through these moments but before I could even confirm anything. She dissipated and blew away with the breeze. My dream can’t be completely black because I could see her face, her eyes, her smile and expression. I could see it change when she saw that I was starting to understand. We didn’t get to say anything else.

I suppose it was much like the first dream that I had, on Halloween night or more likely the early hours of November 1st, 2014. That dream pulled me out of a dark place that I can’t even fully remember. My compartmentalization likes to delete the boxes I don’t like often so that’s weird but I was really struggling with whatever was going on – the farther that I have made it in life, I realize that whatever was going on then is the same thing going on now but I fear it has gotten much worse. That is not suitable for this medium though.

That 1st dream continued day after day – maybe until my immature self would start taking it seriously. It was so real and I remember thinking that what I was “seeing’ in my dream replicated an old 80s style baby portrait where you would have the normal photo and then the ghost image floating over in the back. I had a baby photo like that and in my dream, she was the floating head most of the time. It later grew, got longer and then there were other floating heads, higher up looking down on us. I don’t know if I have ever written about that part of the dream but it came weeks later.

She was one of the heads and the other one was someone she was talking to, seemed to be an older black woman. When I reflect upon it now, I feel like it was my current boss but that is just so weird to even think or say, I had the dream nearly 10 years ago, repeatedly.

They are looking down on her and I having the original conversation in the dream. Its short, she tells me that she loves me, that she truly down but now is not the time. I looked back at her like I was about to cry and she looked back at me like ‘its not the time for that either.’

Once the other two heads make it to this they are looking down on us talking or well, I guess she was the only one talking here. As the above described happens, she is confused and asks why I am so sad and doesn’t understand what is going on at all. M replies saying, “This is before she knows that I am going to take perfect care of her.”

The unknown woman responds back with a facial expression, when I think about these dreams, I realize that there really is not many words at all in any of them but they are the most powerful dreams that I have ever had. Its hard to even describe and makes me think about the tiny book and cards she got me for my birthday last year because, my dreams are images, emotions, expressions but there aren’t many words so it is hard for me to write it out. It was a heart felt reaction that – I do not have words for, ask me in person and I will fill in the gap.

That was the first strange word choice that I laughed to myself about for years to come:

“perfect care” I am not sure if that is even a phrase that anyone would use but I welcome finding out what it means.

I am sure there are so many more but what about “in two months’ time”

When I watched the pilot of that one British TV show that one of my favorite songs came from, I heard them say “one weeks’ time” or something like that and was so thrilled that I had originally guessed right when I questioned that dream word choice.

Ill have to add, “Consider the pattern” to the list.

One more thing, before I end this with the song of the day.

My grandmother has been in bad shape for the last 9 months or so. Its hard to even think about and I already miss her dearly even though I can still go hold her hand. Nearly every weekend, I go over to her house just to sit next to her. When I am lucky, she is awake and can smile at me. Though they say she has a form of dementia, vascular dementia, she always knows who I am and she is always very happy to see me but I’d be lying if I said that by the 10 year mark of my dream, I will certainly need someone to take perfect care of me. It pains me so bad to desire that so badly because I know very deeply that no one was there when she needed the same.

I remember her every word when it comes to her pain though I never know the right thing to say, so I hold it as close as I can and cry when I type way too many words.

What I was going to say about Grandma is that she doesn’t walk anymore, she can’t even use the walker at this point from what I understand. She can stand and turn to get in the wheelchair and she can kind of do the same to go to the bathroom. The other night, my aunt T was on baby monitor duty and sleeping in the middle bedroom. She received a call in the morning around 7:30 AM from a contact in her phone that had been deceased for a few years. She didn’t answer it because she knew that it wasn’t that person but once she was awake she heard my grandmother calling for help through the baby monitor. She ran to check on her and somehow grandma had managed to stand up and was hanging on to the edge of her door so she must have made it a few steps.

Many things have been happening over the last few months and I have both of my aunts quite convinced that my grandfather finds ways to watch over her and communicate with us. My aunt eventually called the number back and she said the guy that answered said yeah he called her, he wasn’t sure who that number was. That didn’t make much sense to me but whatever happened, T woke up just in time to save grandma yet again.

Now for the song of the day or month.