Music

No New Year’s Day to celebrate

• by She Says • In R&B •   Comments Off on No New Year’s Day to celebrate

Today was 10 years since my little brother passed away. It was hard to think about all that he had missed out on. When I was on my lunch break, sitting in traffic waiting to go to the store, this song came on and at first I wasn’t paying attention to it but when I was, I started to cry.

When we were little, my dad would call him Stevie Wonder White Bread, a mix on the signer and the bread company and I am sure it shouldn’t be said so forgive me for that but here’s the song that I did not know before then, I took the picture of it at 2:24 PM which means – oh yes, it was not my lunch break, I happened to be going to pick up a grocery order down there street, a very random time for me to be in my car on a Friday.

I just called to say I love you
And I mean it from the bottom of my heart

He was the kind of guy that would play that song for me if he could. I cried so much right before going back to work. It was on 80s on 8 and it was 94 degrees outside.

And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

• by She Says • In Alternative rock, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

As I take one day at a time, over and over again, I create mixed tapes in my head to her. I have been singing many of these songs to her long before I even knew who she was.

There was a point in time that I thought every song on this list was ridiculous, I couldn’t understand a few lines here or there. The lines that sound like exaggeration feel all too real now.

Here are the 90s pop songs playing on my radio. A few may drift from that decade and genre but they fit there to me.

This is just a darling way to bounce back from all of those emotions:

This might be the sound track to my life. I remember the moment and action that go with a few of these lines. When I just wanted her to know who I was – I started writing and never stopped.

Let me tell you about middle school dances… life was never pleasant for me but I don’t talk about that.

That’s god with a lowercase g, the concept.

We are going to continue down R&B lane for a moment so forgive me for that. I have been singing the next two songs a lot but I go got the John Michael Montgomery version as it is much easier for me to achieve. Well, I only sing it when I am alone, no one would want to hear all that.

All-4-One was one of my first CDs after Tragic Kingdom and Pieces of You, which I had received as Christmas gifts that year. My older cousin traded me a very scratched up All-4-One CD for who knows what, surely I got ripped off but that is where I first heard these two songs. That same year, a country artist covered them so I would hear the same songs in a country version on the radio with my grandparents – it was a confusing time and I didn’t understand why. (The reason was $$)

I realize that this 90s mix is quite cheesy but who could expect anything else. This is about the sentiment which is lightly scattered all over the place. Without further ado:

Oh how I loved this song as a teenager with no one to directed it to.

There are a few pop songs that I thought were so ridiculous that I couldn’t even listen to them. They fell into the Aqua – Barbie Girl category in my mind. When they grace my 90s station these days, I will admit, I listen to them and my thoughts drift – once again, the odd lyrics suddenly make a little sense. Brace yourself for bubblegum pop.

One more and I will climb out of this rabbit hole.

So I guess if I could say anything to her – it would be all of that. Another song that I have caught myself listening to when it comes on is one that I felt was the most over played song of my life:

I’ll wrap this up and get back to reality. For the next and final song in this series, it will be hard to believe that I had not heard it before a few years ago after she used ‘Round here’ in a very impactful text message. It seems as though it has been around for over 30 years so I may have just over looked it but when it comes on these days – I stop – I listen and I try my hardest to come up with a plan that will work.

You’re the cutest thing that I ever did see

• by She Says • In Country Rock •   Comments Off on You’re the cutest thing that I ever did see

This blank white page leaves me wondering where to even start with this writing. Chronological usually works wall for me so I guess I will start back at Friday morning. Thursday night is a better place. My brother and I rode with my dad on a bus in a parade, he had a bad tooth ache and said he was exhausted but pushed through. Friday morning, he sends me a text while I am at work telling me that he has fainted three times and had a terrible tooth infection. My brother was off work, so I called him and asked him to go out to dad’s and see what was going on. He did and I checked on them once but didn’t hear much from them other than my dad’s occasional updates on what they were doing.

After work I found out that dad almost passed out in the dentist chair and they were able to keep him awake with oxygen and glucose packets. The dentist told him that he needed to eat and get some sleep. The tooth infection had kept him from doing both for a few days. Next they went to the grocery store to fill the prescription, my brother went inside to fill it and dad stayed in the car. When he got back to the car, dad was slumped over with his eyes rolled back. He wouldn’t wake up no matter how hard my brother tried. There was a moment when he thought he had died. Before my brother could call 911 or decide if he needed to start CPR, my dad came to. He fainted one more time when they got back to his house before he could start trying to eat something. He had 4 teeth pulled so eating wasn’t that simple.

By the time I got home to check in and see what was going on, my brother didn’t think he should be alone. We brought him back to the house once he could walk again and had him stay here to make sure he wouldn’t keep passing out. We didn’t really know what was wrong but he was out cold, now 5 times and we didn’t really know for how long. We made sure he ate as much as he could and slept as long as possible. So far he has been much better but it was quite the scare, we spent most of the weekend making sure that he was okay.

Somewhere just before that, my fear started creeping in and I was back to that spot in the cycle where I was terrified to be anywhere near her, afraid for both of us.

I’ve cried so much, nearly constantly, and it has never been about anything that I would expect. Fleeting time is on that list but grey hair isn’t. Grandma can barely talk anymore and that has been one of the hardest things to face alone. I am not really alone, my family has been putting forth maximum effort in every direction but that only leaves us worrying about each other as well.

The pain becomes so heavy and all I can do is reach for the greatest comfort in my life. I am so very lucky that it is always so well received. She probably wasn’t even that surprised when I used my classic line that left her asking. “Did you just say..” last time. Oh how parting is the most challenging The only way that I can get through it every time is by putting my complete trust and faith in that direction and believe the last few words with all of my heart.