Dazed and burning state

There are two man-children living in my house. The first one is my fault, he is my brother, and after several tragic events in our lives, I take pity on him and try my best to ensure he sticks around for the rest of our family, and myself of course. The other, is getting on my last nerve. He is a long time acquaintance. I can’t say that we have ever been really good friends but due to my many defense mechanisms, I can’t say I have many real friends these days. This post is going to be about that one, his name is Harley. It is actually James but he goes by a nickname or his middle name, I am not even sure – but that alone is slightly shady if you ask me.

He finds himself in the strangest predicaments and I don’t think his attitude towards life helps him much. He needed a place to stay last January because his polyamory relationship with a married couple, that he was living with started to decline quickly. I can only imagine he started acting like he ran the place without paying for a thing, but that’s just an educated guess – I really have no idea what the issue was.

We met back in 2001, when I was working at a Subway in a gas station in NB and he was working at the Hastings. The population of NB was just under 40K back then and there were far less options when it came to shopping. He ate at that Subway and I shopped at Hastings so much, we became friends.

He and I didn’t really keep in touch but ran into each other from time to time. He was living in my neighborhood, next door to a friend many years later and we ran into each other again. Now that Social Media was prevalent, we kept in touch.

Fast forward several years to where he is now my resident couch boy. He was doing the dishes and mopping the floors incessantly, but something changed that and he stopped abruptly. He has been asking me for money nearly daily for vape juice, coils and kratom but I finally put my foot down when I accidentally bounced a rent payment because so may people were “borrowing” money from me, I couldn’t even keep up anymore. I was fortunate to have the needed money in uncashed checks, but my broke as friends were starting to take advantage of me.

He hasn’t asked me for money since, but whenever I say something, he argues. This guy is a self proclaimed feminist, so I badly want to call him out when he mansplains why it is okay for him to smoke his vaporizer in my closet next to hand-made 30 year old dresses that my grandmother made me that I do not plan to ever wash again. My take on that is, if you are in my house for free, have your office set up in my closet and vape constantly to the point where all of my clothes smell now and I ask you to stop, you should just fucking stop, even if you are the scientist behind vape juice and know that it ‘disappears’ and leaves behind no residue.. I don’t want to hear about it, I want you to listen.

I may have an inferiority complex, I may be controlling – but I am not a charity that is obligated to care for disrespectful men that feel they are better than everyone else but can’t even support themselves.

He used to donate plasma for his income but since my subsidies were cut off, he got a job at AJs BBQ. He owes me quite a bit of money since he claimed he was borrowing those daily $30 transactions but I have not seen a dollar yet. He doesn’t buy food for the house. He doesn’t share and no longer cleans. I hate to break it to him but he is not here so I can check out his fine midget body. Pardon my unruly attitude but he better start doing something to make himself useful.

Today the argument was because at 3 PM I turned some faint lights on in my living room so that I could walk through there without tripping. He had the audacity to ask me if he could turn them off and when I said no and explained I want to be able to walk through my house without tripping he tried to explain to me that I am never in there – I had to bit my tongue not to be more rude. The reason I am never in there is because its pitch black and full of all of his shit. I feel like I am losing control over my house and this type of thing just stresses me out.

She’s in love with herself

Some strange things have happened. It started last week when Maddison showed up with a random woman. We all went out to eat including the kids and Erin, the new woman, paid. Since then they have hung out a few times and I have been present for whatever reason and today, I find out that she keeps talking about how much she can’t stop thinking about me.

My ex mad sure to tell her that I was not interested in people or relationships but apparently she proceeded to talk about me all day – which I then had to hear about. When I got home, I asked, “Did you tell her I was in love with someone else?” That is totally my go to line even though I had told Maddison something different originally – we have joked about it plenty since. When I met Maddison, someone special had just moved to Colorado. I had spent a week off of work thinking about it and had what I considered to be a short, emotional conversation with her. It was the first time that she told me that she loved me and I didn’t really take that lightly, well..

Even though she was nothing of the sort and had not been anywhere near it for almost 3 years at this point, one day, when Maddison asked me why I looked sad, I simply replied: “My girlfriend-type-thing just moved to Colorado.” In my mind, I was saying that someone I felt very fond of and had a casual relationship with just moved away – that wasn’t even fact – but what she heard was, “said gf-whatever is far away.” So she started to try to find out how serious it was and I must not have kept up my act very well.

Maddison laughs and asks what she would think if she knew that I had said that. I think to myself that she probably wouldn’t be surprised in the least and I could only hope for a positive reaction.. well today as we discussed this woman, something made Maddison tell me she was interested in having a polyandrous relationship with me or something almost made her interested – well I suppose the confusion on my face lead her to explain whatever to me. I suppose I don’t understand a lot. I drifted off in thought and was no longer thinking about the people involved with what she was talking about. She used the word home base to describe something and I felt the jealousy remind me why no one would even consider making me a ‘side woman’ I suppose the cool kids say. I knew 3 women that were in a decent relationship. I always think about them.

I just like to remind myself, maybe I am just more important than.. those guys girlfriends or whatever I have concerned myself over.

I am glad that no one knows what I ask myself. Oh but the fun part. Somehow we circled back around to my question and she said, yes, I have told her that you are in love with Teal. I denied it but she never believes me. I told her that I have seen Teal many times recently and I don’t think I feel that way anymore, of course she didn’t believe me. I don’t know how she felt about what I did say – but I had to tell someone, and it was my ex.. I said.. I think I am in love with.. ___. She just said, “Oh…?” I just shrugged and said.. its not like it matters anyway. She thinks it’s funny. She said that she had never heard me say that before – the only thing that I could think was – yeah, because you wouldn’t have liked what would have happened if you said I couldn’t talk to her for some reason.. but anyway – there’s that.

It was about this time in 2016 that she left to Colorado. I wonder if she is thinking about me right now.. I wonder if I am awful for – whatever, everything. I try not to even look right as I turn left… doesn’t that count for something? If I had her willpower… our DM would be empty.

But this one time.. long long ago when I was a wild youngster – I saw Type O Negative at The White Rabbit.. I may have seen them there more than once. I know that one of the times Godhead opened for them.

One day I am going to get my ass kicked and I am going to completely deserve it. Today, I realized that I am far too comfortable in life – I take so many things for granted and I am incredibly lucky. Maybe that means my medicine is working well.. but anyway – in those thoughts, I stumbled across the ones where despite life, I trust him completely, and her completely and that’s super weird to say but if he makes her happy then I couldn’t be more appreciative. I still have extremely complicated feelings that I do not understand but I am not about to talk about them with anyone because – when she asked me not to, I stopped, and now – I just psychoanalyze myself and try to move past it without creeping myself out.

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore

Today when I accidently googled 512, I came across this song.

I felt like I needed a little Lamb of God on my site.  I couldn’t tell you what the hell they are saying but I am sure it’s good.

When I was younger, I used to go to every Kittie show possible.  I must have seen them 10 to 20 times.  I ran a website called KittieIzGod.com based off the name of their first demo tape.  It was called Sex Iz Hell.  I realize that doesn’t really translate but I was like 15 years old.

There used to be a good Sweeny Todd version of Somewhat Damaged on YouTube but I couldn’t find it today. This will have to do.

I could leave but I won’t go

This morning, as I headed to work, I wondered if her number was still the same because I plan on texting her tomorrow. It’s an important day.

I wondered how she felt about my current situation. The interruption of the work day put that though to rest.

It reminded me that life is never what it seems.

Genesis “That’s All”

Disturbed “The Sound of Silence”

Youtube decided that I needed to listen to this song:

Phil Collins “In the Air Tonight”

Genesis “Land of Confusion”

I just want something I can never have

I left a concert once because I was feeling sick, the next act was Flyleaf, but I didn’t know who they were.  I saw Kill Hannah, a band that is probably not around anymore.  This morning when I was looking for a song to listen to, I stumbled upon this gem.  It reminded me of the time I missed out on seeing a bad ass show by taking the easy way out.. I’m not sure why I think that’s pretty relivant.  I guess it’s one of the small things that I’ve always regretted.  I prefer the Trent Reznor version, but she’s easy on the eyes.

updated video link June 2023