‘Cause you’ll always be my dream come true

Today, I decided to choose a song in a more random fashion. I can’t say I picked the first one that I heard, but I picked the first one that I liked. I completely intended on coming home and rollerblading on this smooth blacktop since I really haven’t yet. I have not moved on to that next fun exercise yet, because I don’t really want to fall on my ass and I am not putting anything more than a helmet on for protection. It’s really not that bad but suddenly no one is home and I decided its less than safe – and I like safety. Maybe I don’t like safety, but I play it safe because I prefer not to get hurt. It’s a boring life that I live – I am working on that.

Tomorrow is a day that I fear will take away my best friend, and it is such a ridiculous fear that I even know there is no evidence that shows that anything of the sort could happen – but it happened last year and for some reason, I believe that’s significant. Most people would be irritated that I even knew that. Today, my ex (Madd) asked said, “Please tell me that you don’t send her texts professing your love to her.” With an embarrassed for me undertone. I paused, laughed and said – not currently, I don’t think… she’s very aware. When I saw MLE last, she had a few questions of her own. I couldn’t tell you what they were or how I answered but in the end, she said, “Good, so you are leaving her alone – I am proud of you.” Then I confessed to the fact that might be up to interpretation and depend on what you’d consider bothering her.. but MLE was still proud and said that I had grown up a lot, but I am quite sure that even she has seen me grow up plenty – much due to trying to do what’s right. So desperately so.

This is the first time that I have ever considered how my actions, typically emotional outbursts – if you ask the professionals, affect others. There was this day, I remember where I was standing, I remember how hard it hit me and I hope that I have never made her feel the same way again. We had just met, I had a much younger and immature perspective on relationships and fear brought out the worst in me. She had gone to SB to go fishing and I really couldn’t tell you what lead up to it but I am sure I called her way too many times and when she answered – who knows what I said – but she responded perfectly and made sure that I knew how much the way I was acting affected her. It stopped me in my tracks. I never forgot that moment but I hope that I have never done that again.

I just realized that I still have not picked a song nor mentioned my method. Usually its a song that has spoken to me throughout that day, but I only listened to the Out of Range album by Ani Difranco today because it’s the 25th anniversary of its release but nothing stood out to me so I am going to throw it back 15 years and add a few more options in there. I used to explore my music by downloading a ton of music, loading it all into WMP and then shuffling it all. Today, I will do the same. When going to press play, I realized it is still trying to add all of my songs as I have not loaded my music directory into WMP.

The fact of the matter is that I used to be really jealous, clingy and controlling and I have come to believe that it is due to my fear, ultimately losing someone that I consider so close and special to me. The more I get knocked down and find a way to get back up – I seem less scared. It doesn’t mean that I am not, but less is better in this situation.

The more I think about 7/27, the more I realize that I seem to know exactly where I was when I received that text too. I was walking on the square for some reason – probably on my lunch break asking her if she wanted to me. At the time I had moved to Kyle and she had just gotten back from out of state. Since I had no where to go on my lunch break without living locally, I started inviting her out and we had several lovely lunches together. There’s a well defined patter at this point and I felt like I should have seen it coming. If something is too good to be true, brace yourself – because it is, and I’ve already given my damn hopes up because I live with my head in the clouds day dreaming my days away while preforming mindless tasks to keep reality flowing.

I responded as casually as I could without showing that I was devastated. It was easy to convince myself at the time that it was just every other time and remind myself that it was possible she could see me. There’s no need to cry in public. I always save that for later. The days turned into months and soon I questioned what publicity stunt I was going to pull off to get her attention. I have always buried every comical idea I have had, because I know initially she would hate it – but deep day, I tell myself.. its endearing. Some day my endeering is going to get shot. Maybe I should spray paint something cryptic on the street at the intersection that we met at; it just so happens to be an intersection that we both probably pass often. Maybe I should spend an entire day people watching at the tables outside of the bakery… but that one just didn’t seem to do the trick – modern people make romantic things seem creepy so I would have to move on past that one.

I kept it more my style – radical honesty. Stumble upon something I shouldn’t online – tell her immediately, via email of course. How else are nerds expected to communicate? That all started when I was leaving my friend’s house one day and I caught the darkness permeating from her house. I couldn’t help but glance over and it was completely dark, I had never missed a blue glow so much. My heart raced. I was afraid I would never see her again – but in that moment, I felt like such a small child, I can’t explain it. The panic that sets in when you realize you are moving across the country and leaving everything behind, unwillingly. I think it was the lack of control in the situation that gave me such a helpless feeling.

It took days before I realized that the house was actually empty but I had a sense of faith to me. Eventually I ended up on google. What else are you supposed to do when you have a mystery to solve? I was surprised how easily her name came up but then again, I know her middle name and how to use a computer – so I believed what I read and thought she left the state.

In the end, I was lucky enough to have her in my life again – but I am so afraid of causing her to leave again and struggling with the fear of regret. Will I find the right balance?

Windows Media Played choose “I Remember You” by The Ataris but I couldn’t handle listening to that one so I decided to take it back a few years. It seemed appropriate. Now my choice in music but my brother loves it.

For reference purposes:

Dazed and burning state

June 29, 2019June 29, 2019 • by admin • In Alternate Metal, Death metal, Heavy Metal, Industrial rock, Music, Nu metal • 0

There are two man-children living in my house. The first one is my fault, he is my brother, and after several tragic events in our lives, I take pity on him and try my best to ensure he sticks around for the rest of our family, and myself of course. The other, is getting on my last nerve. He is a long time acquaintance. I can’t say that we have ever been really good friends but due to my many defense mechanisms, I can’t say I have many real friends these days. This post is going to be about that one, his name is Harley. It is actually James but he goes by a nickname or his middle name, I am not even sure – but that alone is slightly shady if you ask me.

He finds himself in the strangest predicaments and I don’t think his attitude towards life helps him much. He needed a place to stay last January because his polyamory relationship with a married couple, that he was living with started to decline quickly. I can only imagine he started acting like he ran the place without paying for a thing, but that’s just an educated guess – I really have no idea what the issue was.

We met back in 2001, when I was working at a Subway in a gas station in NB and he was working at the Hastings. The population of NB was just under 40K back then and there were far less options when it came to shopping. He ate at that Subway and I shopped at Hastings so much, we became friends.

He and I didn’t really keep in touch but ran into each other from time to time. He was living in my neighborhood, next door to a friend many years later and we ran into each other again. Now that Social Media was prevalent, we kept in touch.

Fast forward several years to where he is now my resident couch boy. He was doing the dishes and mopping the floors incessantly, but something changed that and he stopped abruptly. He has been asking me for money nearly daily for vape juice, coils and kratom but I finally put my foot down when I accidentally bounced a rent payment because so may people were “borrowing” money from me, I couldn’t even keep up anymore. I was fortunate to have the needed money in uncashed checks, but my broke as friends were starting to take advantage of me.

He hasn’t asked me for money since, but whenever I say something, he argues. This guy is a self proclaimed feminist, so I badly want to call him out when he mansplains why it is okay for him to smoke his vaporizer in my closet next to hand-made 30 year old dresses that my grandmother made me that I do not plan to ever wash again. My take on that is, if you are in my house for free, have your office set up in my closet and vape constantly to the point where all of my clothes smell now and I ask you to stop, you should just fucking stop, even if you are the scientist behind vape juice and know that it ‘disappears’ and leaves behind no residue.. I don’t want to hear about it, I want you to listen.

I may have an inferiority complex, I may be controlling – but I am not a charity that is obligated to care for disrespectful men that feel they are better than everyone else but can’t even support themselves.

He used to donate plasma for his income but since my subsidies were cut off, he got a job at AJs BBQ. He owes me quite a bit of money since he claimed he was borrowing those daily $30 transactions but I have not seen a dollar yet. He doesn’t buy food for the house. He doesn’t share and no longer cleans. I hate to break it to him but he is not here so I can check out his fine midget body. Pardon my unruly attitude but he better start doing something to make himself useful.

Today the argument was because at 3 PM I turned some faint lights on in my living room so that I could walk through there without tripping. He had the audacity to ask me if he could turn them off and when I said no and explained I want to be able to walk through my house without tripping he tried to explain to me that I am never in there – I had to bit my tongue not to be more rude. The reason I am never in there is because its pitch black and full of all of his shit. I feel like I am losing control over my house and this type of thing just stresses me out.

She’s in love with herself

April 9, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Heavy Metal, Nu metal • 0

Some strange things have happened. It started last week when Maddison showed up with a random woman. We all went out to eat including the kids and Erin, the new woman, paid. Since then they have hung out a few times and I have been present for whatever reason and today, I find out that she keeps talking about how much she can’t stop thinking about me.

My ex mad sure to tell her that I was not interested in people or relationships but apparently she proceeded to talk about me all day – which I then had to hear about. When I got home, I asked, “Did you tell her I was in love with someone else?” That is totally my go to line even though I had told Maddison something different originally – we have joked about it plenty since. When I met Maddison, someone special had just moved to Colorado. I had spent a week off of work thinking about it and had what I considered to be a short, emotional conversation with her. It was the first time that she told me that she loved me and I didn’t really take that lightly, well..

Even though she was nothing of the sort and had not been anywhere near it for almost 3 years at this point, one day, when Maddison asked me why I looked sad, I simply replied: “My girlfriend-type-thing just moved to Colorado.” In my mind, I was saying that someone I felt very fond of and had a casual relationship with just moved away – that wasn’t even fact – but what she heard was, “said gf-whatever is far away.” So she started to try to find out how serious it was and I must not have kept up my act very well.

Maddison laughs and asks what she would think if she knew that I had said that. I think to myself that she probably wouldn’t be surprised in the least and I could only hope for a positive reaction.. well today as we discussed this woman, something made Maddison tell me she was interested in having a polyandrous relationship with me or something almost made her interested – well I suppose the confusion on my face lead her to explain whatever to me. I suppose I don’t understand a lot. I drifted off in thought and was no longer thinking about the people involved with what she was talking about. She used the word home base to describe something and I felt the jealousy remind me why no one would even consider making me a ‘side woman’ I suppose the cool kids say. I knew 3 women that were in a decent relationship. I always think about them.

I just like to remind myself, maybe I am just more important than.. those guys girlfriends or whatever I have concerned myself over.

I am glad that no one knows what I ask myself. Oh but the fun part. Somehow we circled back around to my question and she said, yes, I have told her that you are in love with Teal. I denied it but she never believes me. I told her that I have seen Teal many times recently and I don’t think I feel that way anymore, of course she didn’t believe me. I don’t know how she felt about what I did say – but I had to tell someone, and it was my ex.. I said.. I think I am in love with.. ___. She just said, “Oh…?” I just shrugged and said.. its not like it matters anyway. She thinks it’s funny. She said that she had never heard me say that before – the only thing that I could think was – yeah, because you wouldn’t have liked what would have happened if you said I couldn’t talk to her for some reason.. but anyway – there’s that.

It was about this time in 2016 that she left to Colorado. I wonder if she is thinking about me right now.. I wonder if I am awful for – whatever, everything. I try not to even look right as I turn left… doesn’t that count for something? If I had her willpower… our DM would be empty.

But this one time.. long long ago when I was a wild youngster – I saw Type O Negative at The White Rabbit.. I may have seen them there more than once. I know that one of the times Godhead opened for them.

One day I am going to get my ass kicked and I am going to completely deserve it. Today, I realized that I am far too comfortable in life – I take so many things for granted and I am incredibly lucky. Maybe that means my medicine is working well.. but anyway – in those thoughts, I stumbled across the ones where despite life, I trust him completely, and her completely and that’s super weird to say but if he makes her happy then I couldn’t be more appreciative. I still have extremely complicated feelings that I do not understand but I am not about to talk about them with anyone because – when she asked me not to, I stopped, and now – I just psychoanalyze myself and try to move past it without creeping myself out.

The silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload

October 29, 2018June 23, 2019 • by admin • In Glam Metal, Hard Rock, Music, Pop Rock • Comments Off

One of my reps said something on Friday that I have been reflecting on all weekend. She was just making a joke but it was all too true.

I have been having a lot of emotional issues.. They come to light in the means of.. what my “recovery coach” calls ’emotional outbursts.’ We are working on trying to reduce the amount I have per day.. like I am an alcoholic or something. They don’t even know the amount of self medication I do… I limit that conversation to – I have tried it before… little do they know I try it every waking house that I can. Little shit sets me off. I feel swamped at work because, since I am skilled with computers and relatively smart – I have made it to some type of coordinator position. I coordinate about 20 people.. and well, since I can barely coordinate myself.. there are struggles.

A lot of people rely on me and when it all happens at the same time, I freak out. I loose all professionalism, but I am normally very nice so most people overlook it.

Only one person has ever pointed it out and tried to help me with it. He said.. When you are the captain of a ship, you have to remain calm in a disastrous situation. If the captain freaks out, so will the crew.

He was my last supervisor with tons of experience. I tried to control myself in front of him. Then he was promoted and now my supervisor is 8 years younger than I am with even less experience. He’s a smart guy that can keep his cool but I don’t think that he can teach me how to, so that’s why I ended up seeking professional help. I get embarrassed. I have ignored it and worked around it for the last 34 years of my life. Okay, we can shave 5 or 6 of those years off but I have always had oddities about me. I would have been labeled as high functioning autism so quickly if I was born 30 years later.

Anyway, it all started when she called me at work saying that I had the car seats in my car and she needed them because the 3 year old had therapy. I went and asked to go to lunch about 10 minutes early to resolve the issue and as I got out to the car, I realized that I had forgotten some papers that she had emailed me that she needed on lunch break. I called her to make sure that I had to go back and get them: I did.

From that moment on, it was an emotional roller coaster. I ran back up there to get my papers, rushed home driving recklessly. Its not safe. It’s not good for my vehicles.

My grandma always jokes that my cars never work. Between my budget and the way I treat them.. its really no mystery.

Well – what my agent said, was that the worst time to ask me for help is Monday morning. She said I was usually better after lunch. Little does she know I can’t drag myself out of bed in order to smoke enough to go to work on Monday’s so I have to catch up on lunch. Today, I took my medicine and an extra Xanax (prescribed) to help a little. After I calmed down, I started crying.

What I thought about over the weekend is about how I never remember to take my medicine on the weekends, so that Monday morning is the 48 hours without it. I take 2 anxiety/depression medicines daily and one is supposed to be twice a day.

Since people usually have new year’s resolutions, I guess the day after your birthday is as good as any. I really need to start taking my medicine right. I think I am fucking myself up more that I am helping.

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore

October 21, 2018June 23, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Death metal, Industrial rock, Music, Nu metal • Comments Off

Today when I accidently googled 512, I came across this song.

I felt like I needed a little Lamb of God on my site. I couldn’t tell you what the hell they are saying but I am sure it’s good.

When I was younger, I used to go to every Kittie show possible. I must have seen them 10 to 20 times. I ran a website called KittieIzGod.com based off the name of their first demo tape. It was called Sex Iz Hell. I realize that doesn’t really translate but I was like 15 years old.

There used to be a good Sweeny Todd version of Somewhat Damaged on YouTube but I couldn’t find it today. This will have to do.

I could leave but I won’t go

October 18, 2018October 15, 2019 • by admin • In Alternate Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Music, Nu metal, Pop, Pop Rock, Progressive rock, Soft Rock • 0

This morning, as I headed to work, I wondered if her number was still the same because I plan on texting her tomorrow. It’s an important day.

I wondered how she felt about my current situation. The interruption of the work day put that though to rest.

It reminded me that life is never what it seems.

Genesis “That’s All”

Disturbed “The Sound of Silence”

Youtube decided that I needed to listen to this song:

Phil Collins “In the Air Tonight”

Genesis “Land of Confusion”

When everything else disappeared

April 2, 2016June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk Rock, Glam Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Indie Rock, Industrial rock, Music, New Wave, Rock • 0

The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed. Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life. That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation. It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday. In my opinion, I handled it very well. That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well. The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up. I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.

In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it. With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life. In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years. Since then, I have been promoted at work. I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with. I feel that way anyway. It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.

When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left. I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to. My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way. I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things. My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why. Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic. There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel. They see my face when I talk to her. My attempt to smile as she leaves. It’s nice when someone actually understands you. It seems to be so rare lately.

While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:

I just want something I can never have

August 6, 2014June 4, 2023 • by admin • In Alternate Metal, Alternative rock, Hard Rock, Nu metal, Post-Grunge • 0

I left a concert once because I was feeling sick, the next act was Flyleaf, but I didn’t know who they were. I saw Kill Hannah, a band that is probably not around anymore. This morning when I was looking for a song to listen to, I stumbled upon this gem. It reminded me of the time I missed out on seeing a bad ass show by taking the easy way out.. I’m not sure why I think that’s pretty relivant. I guess it’s one of the small things that I’ve always regretted. I prefer the Trent Reznor version, but she’s easy on the eyes.

updated video link June 2023