Grammy Nominee

The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.

You make me stare, when I should not

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

I’ve developed a habit of staying up all night and sleeping all day, as if I was on summer vacation.  The ex has developed a habit of calling me, waking me up and asking me for something ridiculous.  Today – I said no.

Since I was woken up and asked a question, I was a bit confused.  I thought she was telling me that her son (8) was home alone and wanted to go play, but I had to be aware to check on him and she was asking if I would. I said no, I’m sleeping and went back to sleep.  This was at 1:15 PM.  There’s something that makes me feel really bad to saying no to something I am physically capable of doing, soon enough, I couldn’t sleep anymore and got up by 2.  I texted her and told her that he could go play outside because I was awake.  Little did I know, she was either home or bringing him home to stay alone (with me next door) and somehow through the next exchange of messages that came out. After minutes of being awake – I knew that I didn’t want to be here anymore. There is a lot going on with my brother and it’s intense.  Everyone else is silent or asleep here and I owe LMC a little money, so I ask the ex when she will be back because I want to go to Lisa’s.  She says they are going to Austin and it will be a few hours and not to leave him alone for more than an hour at a time.   This is where it starts to feel like I am watching her kid for her and she treats me like complete shit, so I was not willing to do that.  She already called me at 9 something this morning asking me to go sit with her kids while she went to go get sodas.  When I got there her 4 year old asked me to make her food, if that tells you anything about how much I do for the kids.  Why couldn’t her mom had made her food?

I asked her to get me a soda while she was out, because I thought it would make me feel better about doing things for her.

When I went back to bed, I had a hard time falling asleep right away.  I laid there and thought about this one time that M and I met at Jo’s.  That day was the first time I saw her after she got back from out of state.  She had left right before I met Maddison.  When she returned, I felt like I had so much explaining to do.  I knew that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.. but I really did.  I had been completely in love with her for 3 years, she leaves, returns and I had a girlfriend.. that I hated, but I am not sure if that point came across.  I think I was able to at least express that much to her.  I needed her to know that I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend, had no interest in her and had a very inactive sex life – which took effort, but I blamed my medicine and distanced myself.  When I saw her, I got so nervous/excited, I have no idea what I said that day. I can tell you what table we sat at.  I can tell you that my back was to the wall and hers was to the counter.  We normally didn’t sit over in that little area, but today we did.  I feel like she could see through my eyes to what I was trying to express and I feel like she understood more than anyone would and accepted that I did what I did for whatever reason I did it, and I don;t think she was worried at all.  I wondered if she still knew that she was everything that I had ever wanted.. but could never ask.

I have always tried to respect her situation – and I don’t know why – but I can’t refer to it as anything other than that.  I’ve never wanted to make anything worse for her.  There has been things that she has said that have sunk deep into my heart.  I have beat myself up for not being more assertive and asking more questions.  When I think about an example of what I am talking about, the first thing that comes to mind is – I don’t even know when we were having this conversation – but she said that her parents would not have even noticed if she had been kidnapped.  We had been talking about when she left home.  It always made me feel uneasy to think about. She looked down and her tone changed in a way that told me this was significant, but I felt like she didn’t want me to ask, so I never did.  It’s strange to me that I can be so shy with her yet so incredibly open.  In the end, I always feel very protective of her and the rest just gets complicated in my head.  Watching  my brother breakdown has made me question my sanity a time of two, but luckily. I have her in my life and she is always there just in time.

This song popped up and I have not heard it before.  I am going to leave this here.

I wanted to talk about something very specific and forgot it when my dad showed up.  I need to reread this and see if it comes back to me.  For now, I suppose this is all.

Oh my life is changing everyday

• by admin • In Country, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop, Pop Rock, Rap Rock, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.

I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.

Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.

When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.

The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.

Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.

Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life.

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

Every day of the thirteen days that I have been at home after getting laid off have really worn on me.  The other extenuating circumstances have not helped any.  What has helped is hearing from people that truly care.  I wish that I didn’t need a reminder, but it makes a big difference.  I have never been one to seek attention, but it seems that I appreciate it a lot more than I realize.

After not receiving my unemployment card and feeling like I have waited forever for my severance check, I decided to check on it.  The HR lady assured me that I would get paid this Friday with everyone else’s pay check so that helps me not have to worry about when I will see my next dollar.  It has been a hard lesson to learn that I accidentally get comfortable and I often take things for granted without meaning to. I thought that I was reminded of this when I went to Guatemala and couldn’t drink the water.

And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on And I’m sorry that I couldn’t get to you

I hate when this song is playing deep down inside. Tomorrow, I am having some dumb procedure and I am a bit nervous about it. People say it is nothing, but at this point, I am worried about what they could or could not find.

When I drive by her old house, there are tons of construction equipment parked in front. There’s something quite depressing about that.

I nearly cry every time I listen to this song. Since it came our in 2014 – it has always had the same effect on me, but right now it feels realer than it ever has before.

Then of course, YouTube brought these feelings back too. It knows what songs hurt best together.

And these foolish games are tearing me apart

• by admin • In Folk, Grammy Nominee, Pop, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on And these foolish games are tearing me apart

For whatever reason, I hear this song nearly daily and think about her every time. I think back to the conversation when she told me that she may regret some decisions that she had made. I always read too far into anything that she said. I wanted to think that she regretted choosing C over me when faced when the situation so long ago – though I am sure that she didn’t think that I was a possibility.. seeing that she lived with him and I had no idea.. It’s weird to think about a lot of things like that.

My brother met her once, she came over and we hung out in my room. He had already had preconceived notions about her and it all changed when he met her. He would say things like, “She is just not into you… you’re just going to have to find a way to get over her.” and from time to time, before he knew her at all, just thought she was a stuck up bitch taking advantage of the fact that I was completely head over heels for her.. typical reaction from a brother, but when he met her… he said he really liked her ans she could see why I was always.. caught up in her. I guess he just saw our connection, which is not normal for a brother that could careless about what I do in that manner.

I always wondered what it would have been like to be able to meet her father.  What would it have been like in an alternate universe?

And to express my ever changing mood, I will throw in one more random song that I feel like listening to:

This song was popular as my heart originally broke. I wouldn’t changing meeting her if I had the chance. I might change the way that I reacted.

I could leave but I won’t go

• by admin • In Alternate Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Music, Nu metal, Pop, Pop Rock, Progressive rock, Soft Rock •   0

This morning, as I headed to work, I wondered if her number was still the same because I plan on texting her tomorrow. It’s an important day.

I wondered how she felt about my current situation. The interruption of the work day put that though to rest.

It reminded me that life is never what it seems.

Genesis “That’s All”

Disturbed “The Sound of Silence”

Youtube decided that I needed to listen to this song:

Phil Collins “In the Air Tonight”

Genesis “Land of Confusion”