This song came on the radio today and it left me drifting off into thought.
Let’s take this back to middle school for a bit.
Well we know that I have been training for this my whole life.
Grammy Nominee
The Grammy Nominees is a series of various artists compilation albums celebrating the best of the music industry. Albums are released before the airing of the annual Grammy Awards. All of the songs on the albums are Grammy nominated in the year released.
Protected: I Need You More Than Ever
And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder
As I take one day at a time, over and over again, I create mixed tapes in my head to her. I have been singing many of these songs to her long before I even knew who she was.
There was a point in time that I thought every song on this list was ridiculous, I couldn’t understand a few lines here or there. The lines that sound like exaggeration feel all too real now.
Here are the 90s pop songs playing on my radio. A few may drift from that decade and genre but they fit there to me.
This is just a darling way to bounce back from all of those emotions:
This might be the sound track to my life. I remember the moment and action that go with a few of these lines. When I just wanted her to know who I was – I started writing and never stopped.
Let me tell you about middle school dances… life was never pleasant for me but I don’t talk about that.
That’s god with a lowercase g, the concept.
We are going to continue down R&B lane for a moment so forgive me for that. I have been singing the next two songs a lot but I go got the John Michael Montgomery version as it is much easier for me to achieve. Well, I only sing it when I am alone, no one would want to hear all that.
All-4-One was one of my first CDs after Tragic Kingdom and Pieces of You, which I had received as Christmas gifts that year. My older cousin traded me a very scratched up All-4-One CD for who knows what, surely I got ripped off but that is where I first heard these two songs. That same year, a country artist covered them so I would hear the same songs in a country version on the radio with my grandparents – it was a confusing time and I didn’t understand why. (The reason was $$)
I realize that this 90s mix is quite cheesy but who could expect anything else. This is about the sentiment which is lightly scattered all over the place. Without further ado:
Oh how I loved this song as a teenager with no one to directed it to.
There are a few pop songs that I thought were so ridiculous that I couldn’t even listen to them. They fell into the Aqua – Barbie Girl category in my mind. When they grace my 90s station these days, I will admit, I listen to them and my thoughts drift – once again, the odd lyrics suddenly make a little sense. Brace yourself for bubblegum pop.
One more and I will climb out of this rabbit hole.
So I guess if I could say anything to her – it would be all of that. Another song that I have caught myself listening to when it comes on is one that I felt was the most over played song of my life:
I’ll wrap this up and get back to reality. For the next and final song in this series, it will be hard to believe that I had not heard it before a few years ago after she used ‘Round here’ in a very impactful text message. It seems as though it has been around for over 30 years so I may have just over looked it but when it comes on these days – I stop – I listen and I try my hardest to come up with a plan that will work.
Won’t you please come around
‘Cause I wanna share forever with you, baby
Its been a year since grandma had her first TIA, mini stroke. She can’t walk anymore or even stand up on her own to get in the wheel chair, I helped with her on Tuesday while my aunt was on vacation and I just kept breaking down into tears the whole time. I had been having trouble eating for a few days so I was really weak and could barely lift her with my other aunt. I just couldn’t believe how much changed in a year.
Tonight, my brother and I rode in the old bus in a Christmas parade with our dad. We weren’t super into it but we really wanted to spend time with him while we still have the change to. It has all been so eye opening to how fragile life is and has left me in a state of anxiety that I can’t even explain. I lost my friend suddenly to heart failure on October 22 and then they put grandma on hospice on October 25. She is still alive and they do not say she is dying but I can’t understand why she can’t talk anymore or even really move her arms and legs. I guess that’s what strokes do but it has been so very hard, I cry every day.
My former brother in law and neices’ father tragically took his life on Nov 16 and I have not really been able to come to terms with that one year.
That leaves me with the last concern that I am afraid to even write about. It had been months and then finally I had heard something promising and then nothing. If I wasn’t close enough to check on her nearly daily, I would be struggling even more. I hope that it doesn’t bother her that I just need to see her car continue to move and on my hardest days I make sure I am even more accurate than that. So I will just keep dreaming as hard as I can and sending my unwaivering support over the breeze.
I have been struggling so terribly emotionally but she did send me a picture the day after she said something to me and it has been helping me push though, oh how I love when she sends me pictures.
And I would be the last to know
This song is off of one of my favorite albums, though I have never heard it before. Likely it wasn’t on my burned copy. Like with many songs, I don’t completely know what it means, but I know what I hear.
The album I listened to was from 2002, it looks like this was added to a later album from the same live show.
She would know what I mean if I told her that I was having a very Sarah McLachlan kinda day.
But I Can’t Find My Shoes
I restarted going to the gym which means my whole body is sore. It was hard to sleep and I was tossing and turning. At some point I was able to dream:
I can’t say that I remember a whole lot. It seemed to be the same house that I always try to ride my bike past in my dreams. It feels very real in the moment but when I think about it right now, that house never existed and that path never existed so it must be the house that I check in my dreams, often.
The house is a two story house that is on a curve. The neighborhood resembles the one that I grew up in high school. I drive down the road to the pool and take a left and travel up hill slightly and curve to the left. The house in on the right down a long caliche driveway.
In this dream, I didn’t see most of that and there were additional features.
We were upstairs in her room, which it did not seem was shared with anyone. My brother and I were there and everything was normal. At some point the tone changed drastically and she told me that I should really go. It took me a moment to understand what was going on and then I could tell by her tone that she really needed me to leave. As if we were talking about someone that broke into the house, she says that she can hear him making food in the kitchen. I started to scramble to find my shoes but they were no where in sight. I checked two upstairs bathrooms and all other the bedroom but could not find my shoes. I was looking for my white reeboks with red on them, the shoes that I has actually been wearing that day in my waking life.
It was clear that she wasn’t coming with me and my brother had already walked out and was nearly to the car at this point. I went out a back door and down narrow wooden stairs. I walked barefoot across a large yard with dry yellow grass. I did not hurry and looked back at the house as I left waiting to see anything. I did not.
The cars were parked in this makeshift cinder bock tiny parking garage that fit about 5 cars. As we were leaving, an older brownish SUV backed out so aggressively, it ran over the car next to it monster truck style. In that moment, I thought they were coming for us but just drove away. We left as if nothing happened.
When I woke up, my body was stiff and well worse than it was before.
from: https://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/s2.htm
To dream that you are not wearing any shoes indicates that you have low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in yourself. You are dealing with issues about your self-identity. It also represents poverty, lack of mobility, or misunderstanding. Alternatively, to dream that you are not wearing shoes represent your playful attitudes and relaxed, carefree frame of mind. You have a firm grasp and good understanding on a situation. If you dream that you lose your shoes, then it suggests that you are searching for your identity and finding yourself.
So it’s not hard to fall when you float like a cannon
My heart is racing and I don’t even know what to do with myself. There are two sides of my emotions and both of them are beaming but by the way I am just trying to stay calm really shows me how far I have come. It’s an energy that makes me want to run around in circles. Though the realist in me stops any celebrations until I knoiw that she is free.
After a long walk in the woods, I couldn’t be smiling more and I hardly even questioned if I failed once again because she has a way of telling me that I haven’t – though, there is a deep level of regret that I didn’t trust how I felt and wrote it off so many times before.
I don’t feel comfortable writing any meaningful words on here so I will add a handful of songs and then I’ll go and find some secure way to write down cherished memories.
In February 2022, days before the Russian and Ukrain war broke out, I hear Chris Cornell’s version of Nothing Compares to You. At the time I saw it called a Prince cover. Before that day, I did not realize that Sinéad O’Connor’s version was a cover. Now that all of the above have passed, I am going to see how Pink sounds covering it. Clearly all the lines are not applicable but I sure do enjoy a few of them. I cut and paste my pop songs the way that I like the best.
Driving away was so very hard today. I trust in the future completely and I get less afraid personally every day – globally, I can not say the same.
A touching performance after he just was told live in his concert.
Won’t you please come around
Today, I heard this classic on the 90’s on 9 and it was just what I needed. Not my typical genre of choice but it was for the last few years of that decade. Middle school dances were will with R&B.
It reminded me of the time that I was sitting at the light by Palmer’s (was heading West for record purposes) and The Cardigan’s Lovefool came on. You can bet I raced to message her and tell her all about it.