You stated your case time and again

August 9, 2018September 29, 2021 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Astrology, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Music, Pop, Post-Grunge • Comments Off

Today, has been one of those days. A co-worker was out, so I was left juggling nearly 30 all center agents that all think they are the center of the universe. Really its probably only a quarter of them but it seems like a lot. I have been pissing people off left and right. After a long day of making my agents mad because they expect too much from me and getting yelled at and threaten by customers, I come home and have to deal with the two closest people telling me how much I don’t do for them. I offered to watch my sisters children during pride weekend and somehow ruined it and misunderstood when my brother wanted a ride to Subway so somehow I have ruined his night and he is going to starve. I didn’t respond appropriately, not that I even know what that would be. I cried some and then listened to the following songs. It started with a song that made me think about her the other day while I was in the grocery store. It reminded me of my blind and most likely stupid faith. The rest of the songs came on following it on YouTube. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt when she said, “I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you.” I suppose that would shock most anyone. Just give it time and I will find a way to fuck it up. I am pretty sure, I have always wished that someone thought about me when they heard this song..

For fun I decided to look up my horoscope today, because why not. I can’t feel like everyone hates me without blaming the universe or something, can I.

Since I am no longer a teenager, I was not sure where one would get a horoscope, so I just googled it and selected the Chicago’s news paper, because seems to be a legitment source:

Relations with others might be strained or aloof today. People are not sure which action to take or which direction to go. You probably feel the same way. Therefore, be ginger about whatever you do. Go gently. Avoid important decisions and avoid spending money on anything other than food or gas.

Opportunity Cost.

March 19, 2018July 26, 2019 • by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music • 0

I have been an emotional mess lately but I think that I have also held it all together pretty well. It’s almost a shame that there is a pill for that.. well, at least a combination of pills, but I feel like it would be possible to do it without pills but I don’t know how to get the motivation and disciple that it takes so instead, I take pills, which take a level of disciple itself. It will be 4 years since I started this site next month. First, she told me that we couldn’t talk or see each other again and then a combination of a few calls and my supervisor at the time’s abrasive coaching method, lead me to walk out, schedule an appointment with my doctor and tell her that I needed to get back on my medicine. Since then she has added to it and on most days, I am just fine – but other days, even if I can stop the mental side of the anxiety, I still feel the physical affects and it lasts for days.

Today, I am struggling at work. There is someone that I really want to talk to and just walk with, but I can’t and that’s even more frusterating. Yesterday, I ended up getting stuck in Spring Break traffic on the way back from picking up a kid 300 miles away and nearly lost it. Some may claim I did lose it but I feel like that is all relative and the only witnesses are not the most credible for different reasons. The non verbal one has plenty of limitations but the other two, can’t share an unbiased opinion not to mention, one is eight years old. My free time has expired, so this will continue at a later date.

As large as life she stood there

May 31, 2016February 26, 2020 • by admin • In Calypso, Country, Country pop, Folk Rock, Music, Pop, Pop Rock, Rock • 0

It had been a good while since I had talked to her last. Almost exactly a month, because the first day that I hung out with the gf, I told her about how I had gotten drunk the night before. I am way too honest. I explained why I was upset, what I said and how she didn’t say much. She reassured me the next day but then we didn’t talk again until this weekend. This song came on in my dad’s truck sometime last week. It reminded me that I probably… that I won’t be going to visit her next month as I had planned.. its about 2 weeks away. It’s been three years. My new girlfriend was helping me clean my room.. and mentioned my calendar that is left on July 2013.. These are the moments that get me in trouble.

I expected summer to be there in the morning

April 25, 2016January 7, 2019 • by admin • In Folk Rock, Indie Folk • 0

The first time that I heard this, I listened in amazement and then watched a falling star. I made a wish as I saw it falling towards her house. I have forgotten what my exact wish was but I always try to be specific so that something weird wouldn’t happen.. I can imagine that my wish may have been something like, “I wish that she will do what makes her truly happy, no matter who she ends up with, I just want to know that she loves me.” I look back at that night, often. I wonder what I wished and how much of it has come true since then. She was in San Francisco at the time to see a band.

When she landed, she sent me a text to let me know that she arrived safely. The next text said something like, we should live her someday… Since I have been in love with her for about as long as I can remember at this point, my heart melted all over the place and I never forgot that moment in time.

Falling is like this

April 10, 2016July 27, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Rock • 0

I woke up and started crying within 20 minutes. Today seems extra sensitive. I took a walk to clear my mind and just cried more. She is such a big part of my life and i miss her so much. Today, i am less tough.

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Feels like reckless driving when we’re talking
It’s fun while it lasts, and it’s faster than walking
But no one’s going to sympathize when we crash
They’ll say “you hit what you head for, you get what you ask”
and we’ll say we didn’t know, we didn’t even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky

I don’t even know where to go next.

They sang all the wrong words.

March 27, 2016July 27, 2019 • by admin • In Folk, Music • 0

Today, I was reminded that everything in life is going alright… as I watched my love walk away. It was impossible to even think about the fact that I wouldn’t see her tomorrow.. or anytime soon.. I couldn’t take a moment to realize that would be the last hug she gave me for quite some time. I feel like I stayed strong until after she left, even when I looked over and saw her friend driving. The only way to get through that was to block all of that out and remind myself that she was going to see her family and spend time with all the people that she has been missing. I reminded myself not to be selfish and as soon as she left, I started to cry, slow, soft tears.. in front of my dad and brother. They knew that I was going outside to tell her goodbye and neither one said a thing. It’s not the first time that my brother has seen me cry over her, mainly recently because she was leaving, but I don’t think that my father has ever seen me cry over any woman – so that happened. She is currently riding across country on her next adventure in life and I am sitting here, writing about it and wishing that she could hold me.

Will you search through the lonely earth for me,
Climb through the briar and bramble.
I’ll be your treasure.

They sang all the wrong words.
I’m waiting for you

Today, I drove out to my sister’s house to see her kids. The drive out there is about an hour so it gave me so much time to think. Before this week, there was so much doubt in my mind. Too many people had laughed at me, called me crazy amongst other things for believing in myself and my feelings.. After a while, I started to doubt myself.

Once I was on my way home, thinking about how everything worked out, I wondered.. what the hell did I wish on those falling stars.. you always have to be careful with those. That’s mainly a joke but I do wish on shooting stars and I try to word my wishes perfectly. Now, I really know better than to believe in things like that but I can’t help but entertain myself.

There was this time, when I heard ‘Rush Hour’ by Ani Difranco for the first time. The star fell right out of the sky, straight down, in the direction of her house. I watched in amazement because I was getting all emotional at the time over the song and I paused the music to make a wish. This was so long ago, she was in CA or something seeing a concert in San Fransisco I think, but my wish was for her to be truly happy and for her to love me and all that stuff too.. I really couldn’t say exactly but I know that is how most of my wishes start out and go. There was something about my long drive that made me think about that night and that this is probably just part of what she needs to be truly happy and that is the main thing that I care about. As I got near my house, I looked at this guard rail near my street and remembered that I was specifically there when I saw that star. I have no idea how I remember these things. She means the world to me and I would do anything for her.

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

March 27, 2016February 26, 2020 • by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music • 0

Today has been the longest day in a long time. For some reason, I thought that it would be a little easier after she left, but it wasn’t. When I say that it would be easier, I mean, as I waited, for 2 weeks, for the day that she would leave – I wanted to see her change her mind and stay. It was a count down of when she would be gone and it was terrifying. I thought that maybe that fear would be gone once I knew that she was on her way to start the next chapter of her life, but I missed her terribly all day. She’s probably not even talk way there yet. Around noon, she stopped by to give me a picture that she made for me and then she left.

As I typed those words about the picture, I was looking at it and saw there was this charm and seemed to open and once I opened it, there was a note inside. It made me cry.. the sweetest tears. I am quite sure that I will marry that lady once day. This is the first time in my life that I ever thought that I would even consider marriage. She won’t ever know, but I already went to my company’s website and looked at local listings. I found a few nice once, it seems like there is a huge job market in her area for my work.

I am going to continue my day my going to tell my sister all about everything. She has been a huge supporter through out everything. That reminds me, in less than a week, this website will have been 2 years old. It was started after she told me that we couldn’t talk anymore.

You’re so adventurous, I’m so very cautious

March 16, 2016February 26, 2020 • by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk • 0

Today, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye. As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.

They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.

This is what it thought that I should listen to:

…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..

I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.