Folk

Folk music includes traditional folk music and the genre that evolved from it during the 20th-century folk revival. Some types of folk music may be called world music.

This is a girl girl thing

• by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Music, Soft Rock •   0

Tonight was Lez Prom.  Months ago, I was under the impression I was going, then she was taking the new girl, then she said I was the back up if the new girl didn’t want to go – and then she ended up taking her best friend because she thinks I want to get back with her.  She doesn’t understand when I feel disrespected and used, she thinks that I am jealous, but really, I just don’t want to watch her kids so that she can go out with someone.

She ended up getting drunk and asking her best friend to take her to the new girl’s house.  The best friend texted me asking if I was up because she was crying because Maddison was being a bitch to her and didn’t give a fuck about her feelings. It’s pretty bad when you exes best friend confides in you because she’s so mean.

It was nice to not care in the least.  I expected to feel a little left out, but instead, I went to a friends house and helped them pack.  I couldn’t keep M off my mind or the few words that meant more than I could imagine.   I woke up feeling stronger than ever.  I’ve resisted saying much to her, because I am sure that her situation is quite sensitive and I want to be aware so that I don’t cause any trouble.

My friends used to joke that the only way to get me to clean my house was to say that M was coming over.  It was a running joke, apparently I don’t give a fuck quite often.. and then there she was.  Everything else disappeared.  Either way, I feel like cleaning my room and have been doing a great job.. I guess I just don’t want her to ever see what a mess I can be – but I am sure that she is quite aware.

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time
‘Cause I like you

I have been fighting the good fight

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music •   0

This morning, my dog woke me up, I noticed my phone was glowing so I went to look at it. I had 6 missed called and 2 missed facebook calls. It was 7:00 AM.

She takes all of my money and when I am out, she goes and gets some from her grandma. I asked for some because she was spending it frivolously and I didn’t have any. That started a fight.

I was lured over to her house, next door, because she went to Wendy’s and said that she brought me some. I like to feel special, so I went to eat it, but I think it was a trap to put her 4 year old to bed. I struggled with the child and eventually asked her if she wanted me to take her to school in the morning. She agreed, became complacent and went to sleep.

Fast forward to this morning, my ex sure remembered that and expected it. Since we fought, I turned my ringer off. When I finally went over there to take the kid to school, she wasn’t even awake. If she was insisting I take her, that’s one thing, but this is just complete laziness.

On the bright side, I have plans today. However, I am nervous, like always. On my drive back from dropping of the kid, I hopped that she was not mad at me. I feel like she has every right to be. I’ve never really had someone like this in my life.

When I started this site, I needed some way to express myself. It was the first time that she said that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I was stuck alone, in my head.  I used to be a slightly popular blogger on this site, JournalSpace.com but there was some hack and the site was deleted – so that was that.  I am sure that lead to my decision to start a site to write to myself so that I would quit emailing her.   At the time, at some point, I told her about the site but no one ever visited it and I didn’t really think anyone ever would.  I made it through an entire relationship with someone that was extremely controlling and in my business and somehow she never saw it.

If I couldn’t stop thinking, I would come here and write.  When there was a song circling in my head, I would come post it here.   I have made slight changes to it over the years but it has served the purpose of giving myself somewhere to express my feelings.   I don’t have many people that I really talk to anymore.  Small talk – sure, but real discussions, no.  Currently the only conversations that people have with me is – how is the job search? – and well, I am done answering that one.  I hate that I get so stuck on ideas or just the fact that I can’t leave people alone.  I know that my inbox would prove that – or my sent box anyway.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I am glad that I have people that love me, because I really need it right now.

That I would like you to know that if you’re ever single

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk, Folk Rock, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on That I would like you to know that if you’re ever single

I have been struggling for about 2 years and trying to end this relationship and now that it’s done, I feel extremely lost. A lot of my friends have contacted me and assured me that I was doing the right thing. I have been filled with rage and fear. When I went to the doctor, she said my blood preasure was high and she could tell that I was nervous. She refilled my emergency medicine, which I have been afraid to ask to have refilled because last time they wanted me to pee in a cup. I panicked and they didn’t.

Her best friend has been talking to me and I feel like she is on my side. She reassures me that my actions are inline with any stable person’s reaction.

This song – just gets to me sometimes.. 

And I had a feeling that I belonged

• by admin • In Indie Folk, Music, Pop Rock, Soul music •   Comments Off on And I had a feeling that I belonged

Tomorrow, I take Dutchess in to get surgery on her fatty lumps and skin tags because they could be cancerous. This is all too much for me. Some dirty chick is nextdoor with the kids I love or out getting drunk with someone I thought cared about me a little more than she does. I want to go for a run but I am sad to say that I would rather not go out alone without anyone to tell where I am.. and well, right now, that’s where I am. I have no one to tell where I will be for the first time in a few years. I have been yearning for it and even begging for it and here I am – finding myself lonely. I told myself that I would do all these productive things if I had time to myself again, but instead I obsess over what she is doing and with whom.

There are addictions to feed and there are mouths to pay

• by admin • In Indie Folk, Music •   0

I always have to remember that I should be able to handle what I ask for. I have been trying to find a way out of this relationship for a while now, but when she moves on before I realize that we are actually broken up – it hurts.  Not to mention, it didn’t help that it’s the mechanic that she met since we have been together.  She has been obsessed with her ever since and even kicked my brother out of our house when he was talking shit about her.

I let her come in my house, smoked with her and she took my believed to be girlfriend out on New Years Eve. For some reason, I didn’t expect to be so offended and defensive, but I guess that is what my life has become.  My old friends will be glad to have me back, but it will be hard gathering them all up.  One of the last women that I dated – years ago – has already had a baby, left her boyfriend and gotten back with him – not that I am keeping tabs.  Then well, my favorite friend still can’t or won’t talk to me anymore – so that’s always fun and difficult.  The only reason that I ever thought it would be a good idea to be in a relationship in the first place, is I thought it would help guys trust me with their girlfriends but apparently, I’ve gone and fucked that one up.

And these foolish games are tearing me apart

• by admin • In Folk, Grammy Nominee, Pop, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on And these foolish games are tearing me apart

For whatever reason, I hear this song nearly daily and think about her every time. I think back to the conversation when she told me that she may regret some decisions that she had made. I always read too far into anything that she said. I wanted to think that she regretted choosing C over me when faced when the situation so long ago – though I am sure that she didn’t think that I was a possibility.. seeing that she lived with him and I had no idea.. It’s weird to think about a lot of things like that.

My brother met her once, she came over and we hung out in my room. He had already had preconceived notions about her and it all changed when he met her. He would say things like, “She is just not into you… you’re just going to have to find a way to get over her.” and from time to time, before he knew her at all, just thought she was a stuck up bitch taking advantage of the fact that I was completely head over heels for her.. typical reaction from a brother, but when he met her… he said he really liked her ans she could see why I was always.. caught up in her. I guess he just saw our connection, which is not normal for a brother that could careless about what I do in that manner.

I always wondered what it would have been like to be able to meet her father.  What would it have been like in an alternate universe?

And to express my ever changing mood, I will throw in one more random song that I feel like listening to:

This song was popular as my heart originally broke. I wouldn’t changing meeting her if I had the chance. I might change the way that I reacted.