Folk music includes traditional folk music and the genre that evolved from it during the 20th-century folk revival. Some types of folk music may be called world music.
I can’t explain why but sometimes I really want to be held by M – and lately it’s been bad. I haven’t seen her in years. I walked away from her in fear that day that we parted at the coffee shop, and though its been just over 2 years – she has never told me that she can’t talk to me since and that really puts my heart at ease. I can’t say that it’s not something I spend way too much time worrying about. I have gotten much better about that now.
My friend’s murder trial is today. Her children, mother and best friend are down in San Antonio in a hotel, waiting to attend tomorrow. That all makes me sick. I still can’t believe that her husband killed her. It really enforced deep seeded fears in my heart. My father’s family was always afraid that my mother would kill him. He endured horrific domestic violence for years. When my brother turned 18, my grandmother cried tears of joy explaining that she had spent the last 20 years worried that something would happen to my dad and we would be taken away. That is a horrible fear.
Times like these make me wish that my future girlfriend could come over once in a while. I want to be tough and handle everything on my own but sometimes I just want her to run her fingers through my hair and let me fall asleep with my head on her chest. I’ve never really gotten that opportunity and if I have it was always cut short.
When I realized that one of the last Sundays that I will be in this neighborhood will be June 13th, it makes me want to cry. I feel helpless and scared. I don’t know why being blocks away makes me feel like I can be there for her if she ever needs me. I don’t know why I am so convinced that she would ever need me but I just struggle with it and I really wish she could move with me.
Today, my dog had to go to the vet. She got preseribed pain medicine and how she can barely walk. Her age is showing and it hurts to be alone right now, I will come back to a place that has helped me many times before and talk about the music.
Today, songs that Jimmy Buffett has covered when my dad mentioned that he had covered some Grateful Dead songs that had surprised him.
My father was a big Jimmy Buffet fan, growing up, I can’t say I knew much music that was not Jimmy Buffet from him or 90s country from my grandparents, well then and older. My grandmother loved Eddie Arnold. When I knew one of his songs, I had no idea why.
My dad explained that Jimmy Buffett’s version is skewed about his daughter at least in the first verse.
Through coincidence, I now own an album that has Eddie Arnold’s version on it – It would be lying if I said I don’t have a set of records with some songs I play that tear me apart. I realize, it’s really not true but I wish we had records.
I believe Patsy Cline’s version may be the original – either way, I have now pulled at my own heart strings so I will continue to post those random add songs from my record collection that I play to loud and feel too hard to.
I flooded my house with the washing machine the other day. Since then I have been pretty tired and on the verge of tears. Visiting Grandma opened that flood gate for me. Since my car had been broken down since before the corona virus outbreak started, I hadn’t been able to go visit her. Finally they asked me to, so I took off a couple of hours from work and went to see her. I took a few pictures – just because I am so afraid of losing everything that I know and love. My life has been relatively stable lately so I don’t really know what is with the flood of emotions on top of my other massive water issues but I am so emotionally exhausted and would like someone to remind me how miserable I became when I did effectively block out most all emotions for about 5 years. Those 5 years practically vanished. I hardly have any reference points or memories at all. There may be a few small joys that come back when referenced or seen in pictures but for the most part – they are just gone.
I really never know what’s going on but ultimately trust her 100% but only trust myself about 85% – so that leads to an internal battle where I convince myself that I am wrong and that I need to just keep to myself and quit being so damn annoying – but this inner monologue is rough. I am my own worst enemy – and now I am stuck with me all alone in some quarantine bullshit while she is with dude.. most all of the time. I wish that I was secure enough for that not to bother me – but it appears that we all knew it. She probably didn’t even want me to know that she was working with him again because she knew that it would make me panic.
Taking my medicine regularly has been difficult too. I have my alarm set for 9:55 and I clock I clock in for work at 10:00 AM – this is another way that I have fucked up my life. We are going back to the office in about 3 weeks from what I understand. I suppose I should start waking up earlier seeing that I typically have a 30 minute commute.
I’m just sad and I don’t even know why but listening to this song did not help matters any.
I had just had a used transmission put into my Mazda 5 because my driver’s side drive axle went out. I had to have both front axles replace. That was about 100 miles ago. Less than 20 miles ago, I had one of my struts replaced that I skipped before due to a budget. I am disappointed in The Silver Bullet and miss The Deathsled. I was turning a corner after a stop sign. I was going up hill and took the turn sharper than normal. I really have no idea what happened because it seemed like I hit something big out of no where – and once I got out, I pretty much confirmed that theory. There was a rock retaining wall and it seems that one of the large rocks was somewhat in the road. I should not have turned so sharply but I did not expect that to stop me in my tracks. If you must know – I hit a lot of curbs.
During a recent conversation with my father, I came to realize that I do much better with rear wheel drive cars. For the longest time, I drove a Dodge Stealth and I loved the shit out of that car, until I could no longer keep up with it’s maintenance – not that I ever could but around 2014 or so, my 1991 sports car started to deteriorate fast.
In 2017, when I moved and was in a terrible place, I sold it for $500 – a decision I have regretted since. Today, my sister’s boyfriend sent me this picture of a car he saw that looked just like it – and little did he know, I am quite sure that it is my car. I can tell by the way the clear coat is peeling and I was the one that put those rims on the car. They are police interceptor steal rims. It excites me to just see the pictures and almost makes me want to cry. I have been the most sensitive lately and feeling ever so lonely – but I remind myself that I am much stronger that many people that are much more lonely through out this pandemic and nearly feel guilty for even being sad. I have been battling my ego and thoughts for a few weeks now.
The song that I am adding tonight is more of a compilation of the past, not complete relevant currently but I love it so it is the night’s theme.
I would imagine I mentioned in my last entry that I got a huge splinter, passed out a few times and was taken to the hospital by a friend – in the middle of the Covid-19 shit, which I can’t even stand the word so I only type it for clarity. I had to get a tetanus shot and the spot still hurts on my arm. I guess it had been about a day and a half now but today I start getting a terrible head ache as the rain came in. I reminded myself it could be allergies, it could be pressure change – but of course IT COULD BE COVID-19!
This shit is crap because everyone is all over the place about it. My county is up to 42 cases which statistically sounds really small mathematically, but I remind myself that those are confirmed cases and everything just seemed to always be changing so I can’t even believe anything. I am just staying home and going to the grocery story every few weeks when my dad can take me. A few people have been coming over to my house, but I guess I will see how that ends up for me. Going to the hospital is the move that I would not have made if I could help if and its more than embarrassing that I went for a splinter, but I was freaking the fuck out.
The more I thought about it – this would have never happened when I was poor before I had health insurance. If my brother was home, when I passed out, he would have removed it – saving me the hospital visit, the $150 co pay and possibly any infectious diseases I could have contracted from walking through those doors. But he was not – and the person around me was not someone I need performing medical tasks on my sleeping body, so to the dirty hospital we go. It was actually completely empty. I was screened at the door. It was the fastest visit I have ever had – so around here we are actually doing pretty good compared to most people.
When checking the news, it says 4 people remain hospitalized and 10 have recovered. There were some tents set up to the side of our hospital and from what I understood from people later is that is where they had the Covid-19 patients at. The problem was that I only had ibuprofen at my house and I read some crap that it could cause complications if you were to get the virus – so just to be safe I didn’t want to take it but after my head ache was throbbing and I decided I was more likely to be having side effects to the tetanus shot than anything else, I took the medicine, talked to the woman I love and cried sweetly to her about how much extra attention I needed – and thankfully the medicine kicked in and started working because I am the worst when it comes to feeling bad. I used to get sick a lot but now that I have changed jobs, I really haven’t been sick at all. I had been working in the same building for 15 years before – there is no telling what was going on in that old moldy thing.
On to the song, an internet friend of mine, Bree, of which I met around 2004, introduced me to Doria Roberts. The song tonight comes from her album, Restoration and is the only one I have actually listened to but to my completionist partner, she will be happy to know that I listed to it from start to finish many times. And note to future self; I meant future partner – just slips sometimes. That woman I love. whatever it is that I should say.
Before the song starts, I want to say that she was more like 1000 miles away – but I survived somehow and she came back and my life is so much fuller with her in it. She is currently six blocks away in the least creepy way of saying that, which is less than half of a mile according to the internet. I just want to run to her. I haven’t seen her in so long – but I remind myself – I am lucky to have her in my life and then I continue being grateful, but today I was feeling so sick, scared and alone, it was pretty bad. She found a way to comfort me. I have never believed in metaphysics more in my life.
Basically, I hope she is my twin flame. I’m not even scared.
Doria Roberts – Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought (1999)
The last week and a half has been incredibly frusterating for me. After my car broke down late at night, with help from my dad, I had it towed to my house. After 2 people have messed with in for over 4 days off and on, I am back to waiting until the weekend for the hope that something will go right. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be looking for a new car soon – and I have that feeling.
I have been fortunate to have plenty of people willing to help me get back and forth to work. With my job, I am completely prepared to work from home at any given moment. Just a few days ago, I picked up four hours that I was able to work from home to cover for another employee. Where that becomes a bad thing is when my car is broken, I am struggling so get up the courage to ask my boss if I can work from home for a few days and he declines.. because he doesn’t want people to take advantage of it. He knows damn well my car is very broken – so that translates to that he has no control of the team, to me.
I had a performance review with said boss today and he had nothing but positive and kind feedback. He paused to try to come up with something that needed improving and laughed his way out of the fact that he had none. He told me that I was up for a promotion but that we didn’t get the raises until September. I will almost feel bad if I am the only one that gets promoted out of the 3 of us in the position but I guess that’s what it’s like when you are working on such a small team.
As I floated my way through my day dream – I joked with myself on the way to a bathroom break later in the day; “Now if my future-girlfriend would just promote me.” I can’t imagine that she would know that I call her that but it’s been going on for way longer than I would be willing to admit. Calling her my ex gf would be completely confusing. I try not to even refer to her by her first name most of the time because of this one time this one thing happened. Basically, if she has ever raised her voice even the slightest when talking to me, I immediately attempted to stop doing whatever it was I was doing to cause that. Then I remind myself that life was a lot different back then but I just try to keep my excited girl self quiet HOWEVER the need to refer to my future girlfriend comes up now and then and that’s what comes out.
The first time someone hears me say it they ask questions like, “…What?!?” Then I simply give a sentence or two statement and act like it’s completely normal. Then I just accuse them of not understanding lesbians if they even think twice about it.
Later in the day, a friend called me on the phone. We talked about a site that I am working on for his job and we moved on to him offering me a place to stay if need be when the time comes. I should handle these situations better because I never do it right but somewhere in there I said that I wasn’t looking for a roommate because my girlfriend would be moving in with me at some point. It just slipped out because.. I didn’t really think that he knows much about my life and just seemed easiest but suddenly he got really excited for me and I had to explain that I had no explanation as to why I said that… but she was just still my future girlfriend. Who needs labels anyway. she knows that she is my love and I think that’s all that matters.
And when we meet Which I’m sure we will All that was there Will be there still
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When Ani announced her tour this year, I looked at the tour dates and picked Meow Wolf or Lake Tahoe to attempt to attend. Both are over 500 miles from my house – one 3 times that. With the budget and inability to see my love, the plans fell through but here is Swan Dive from a show I dreamed of attending.
It’s also a song that’s really special to me from an album that I have grown to love.
The other night I made this art as the second piece in a series that I call Ani DiFranco Paint Splatter. It was displayed on my Deviant Art account.
Today, when I heard that she was sick, I was determined to learn to make vegetarian noodle soup, though I knew there wasn’t a chance that she’d ever get to try it – but before noon, I knew I was making soup for dinner.
I think I told her I was going to learn to make it for her or even practice, but I try to minimize my oddities that most laugh at – but the soup was good for anyone that would like to know.
Come Away With Me (2002)
Turn Me On (2002)
For the historical record and my future book, here is my first vegetarian soup, which I named noodle noodle soup.
This was the recipe (Classic Vegan Noodle Soup) that I based it off of but there were a lot of changes, because celery is gross and I don’t know how to buy onions. Did you know pearl onions are hard to dice? I thought it was a great idea so I didn’t have to store a cut onion. I also used egg noodles since I was not concerned about the vegan aspect only vegetarian.
