Folk

Folk music includes traditional folk music and the genre that evolved from it during the 20th-century folk revival. Some types of folk music may be called world music.

I was so crazy about you, I didn’t mind

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   0

Her friend tried to video call me on fb while I was working, so I messaged her back to see what was going on. She was at the river killing time in town and needed to find somewhere to be for a few more hours as her house sold. I had only met her once, probably in 2014 – which was a night I will always remember, because it was the first time that I was introduced to any of her friends. Well I told her that she as welcome to come over, that my lunch break was about to start but after that hour I would be working again but she was welcome to hang out as long as she wanted. I didn’t want to turn her friend away. I thought she must be desperate if she was asking me. After she left, I had a smile on my face and in my heart. A few things arose in conversation, though I tried to stay away from the subject – of course I listened anyway.

I was left with a few questions that I either answered my self or don’t really need to ask.

Why did she say she was a lesbian? I mean, I know she is but how does her straight friend know so confidently? This was an unprompted comment that was in response to her frustration that she was back with the boy.

How was he raised, what did that even mean, what is weird about him?

The only question that I asked seemed completely appropriate and that was asking if he was dangerous or violent. She laughed and did not think that he was.

When she said that he was leaving soon to go to some music festival, I wanted to ask more – but all I really had to do was go to sleep and when I woke up I knew that it was the Chicago Riot Fest without any question about it.

I also grew suspicious about how strategic the seeds were that her friend had planted. It wasn’t a bad thing but I kept replaying the conversations over in my head. It didn’t all come up at once and she certainly was not the topic of conversation at all but it seemed that every time we went out to the backyard for her to smoke a cigarettes, she would get to thinking and say something in a venting way – I tried to just listen but she was talking about the love of my life and giving me inside info – on purpose or on accident, I wasn’t going to pry but I also wasn’t going to stop her. I trusted her to be a good friend to my future lady and over all I think her intentions were pure.

I tried not to react when his name came up. I tried to keep all of my options to myself and I think that I did a pretty good job. She kept talking about her current boyfriend or someone that she is in love with. I felt lead to open up but I resisted. One of the last things I said to her, which seemed like a funny ‘joke’ at the time and related to what she was saying about the guy – well I decided to say, “So are you saying that I should tell M that I am in love with her.” She laughed and said, “I think she already knows.”

I repeated: “I think everyone knows..” and that’s about where it ended.

When I was trying to avoid messaging her so much when she was having some radio silence, I tried to meet new friends online because I thought I would feel less alone. I talked to 2 people for a little while, one about 3D printing and art stuff and the other – about pets and things I guess – kind of nothing. It certainly didn’t fill any holes and I guess life doesn’t work like that. I’ve kind of already stopped talking to them just because I don’t even know what to say and even though I felt like my profile was pretty clear that I was only interested in friends and I never once even thought about the conversations as anything else – I purposely only messaged women I was not attracted to – then again, I can’t say that I can think of any women I am attracted to but her – it’s weird but I just have no interest. Well the reason for writing whatever I am writing here is that after Maddison joked asking how M felt about me talking to these women, I replied with something bitter like, “I don’t know she won’t talk to me.” After the shocked reactions that uncomfortably lasted for what felt like over 5 minutes, I followed up with, “and probably nothing because I would like to think she trusts me completely. That night Maddison didn’t even say anything mean because she was so shocked that M wasn’t talking to me. I kept most all of the details to myself because I don’t think it is anyone else’s business but once in a while my heart slips out and spills all over the place. This site is a 7 year running example of that.

I probably don’t tell her anything about the times it has happened before, I usually keep that to myself but this time everyone noticed the way I was acting but I really just felt like I wanted to be alone. Everyone was complaining that I was difficult to be around and well – my response was – then go away. That never happened and the complaints stopped so, I guess I am not an asshole anymore – that’s a nice change. Just give me time. I have a lot of work to do but I continue to try and learn every day.

There’s so much I want to say to her but I am terrified of losing touch. I have a few weeks to think of what I want to do and hopefully we can have the deepest conversation of our lives soon. I just hope that she can put her trust in me.

Today, this song crossed my mind:

The darker it is around me

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music •   0

the easier it is to see inside

outside the glass
the whole world is magnified

and it’s half an inch
from here to the other side

I have yet to mention the shift in all the random ass memes and shit I have been seeing. Talk about my poems suddenly shifting from in love to devastated, how can accounts that I am following even do that?

This here was posted by some random human that I actually don’t know but I just had to save it somewhere – you know, in case I needed the perfect outline for any future letters. This is not some weird confession that I am bisexual, but don’t think I haven’t considered trying it several times over if it meant that I was treated like a normal human, but that all stems back to something old, from a post a read – that, I just don’t think goes on anymore, but as you can imagine, I never even asked.

But anyway.. this is my life and why I can’t have real friends. Well, it’s not like I do this often, but when I do – her boyfriend tells her to tell me to go fuck the right off.. it’s complicated..

May be a Twitter screenshot of text that says 'Lane Moore Washington DC Augus... @hellolanemoore bisexual friends be like "I value ur friendship and I am not objectifying you, and also you are so hot it makes me want to cry and I genuinely want to marry you, but only if you WANT to! and if you don't want to that's ok and I'll respectfully pine for you always, as a friend!!!" Posted in r/bi_irl by u/lack-of-identity reddit'

They think I make a big deal about nothing

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   0

It was today that all of these things crossed my mind:

Maybe she was showing me the ring in the photo of her blazer, I just told myself it was the same one that i already knew the story about

Letters Unsent:

Then I scrolled through all of our exchanged photos briefly – there were many highs and lows – I made it to the end and knew that you were not completely gone. I know you will come back someday.

I still cry a lot – but its been a long time. Well since the freeze, I am sure I cried during the freeze…

I have 2 friends trying to help me. They both seem to understand me, at least somehow – even though they have about 20 years between them. The younger one, Nikki, has been messaging me and seeing how I am doing – she has me reading about shadow work and sent me some link so I decided to go ahead and read it since I really have no room to be picky right now.

Tam, is who I asked to go to the concert with me, we met up with my friend, Jess from Houston and she gave an extra ticket to my sister so there were 4 of us. She has been a big help, she has been softly supporting me when I have no one to talk to. She’s homebound with a brain tumor, so I guess I felt like she was safe since she didn’t know other humans and lives in new braunfels. she’s the twin flame, tarot card hippy friend. she decided to inform me that she failed to fully explain twin flames and said it was much less romantic than i was expecting, so there’s that, for things I don’t know about but want to believe in, I know nothing.

This morning I woke up to a message of her quoting my IG saying, “Aspiring sensitive artist, more like inspiring sensistive artist” and that really hit me where it counts. I explained to her where the phrase came from and she said a few more things that I needed to hear. She has no idea why is he no longer her and certainly doesnt know its something so close to her but she loves my love for you and I can’t say that I get that often.

but I just really miss the connection we have and cant calm myself down thinking that ive just lost you forever and dont even know how or why.

i feel like if I even tried to completely open up, it would just be completely sad and I cant even allow that. but I dont need romatic love – its nearly a forien concept to me at this point, but I need unconditional love — or at least a little friendship like because you’d think that I lost my only friend over here and somehow – I am right back to hating my sexuality and excitement.. It’s a strange place to be.

there are tons of people in my life and I cant deny that but just because i know someone does not mean that I can stand them and it certainly doesnt mean that they mean a thing to me. I am not sure where I am going with this but I have decided that I am not going to send it so away it goes into the internet until I decide that it looks better in the trashcan.

And I will swallow my pride

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music, Pop, Rock •   0

What would she think if she could see me right now.. she’d be impressed that I could scream every word to these terrible songs that I have listened to since I owned my first CD…

and I do know.. deep down inside, she would be rooting for me.

but I am still crumbling.

YouTube picked every one of these damn songs – which only proves that I was never cool – only, extremely excited.

I stopped it after that one because it freaked me out. I have seen The Social Network and the way my random poems have changed is really fucking weird. A post with those to come because I have been saving them just because its unbelievable. I guess you notice what is on your mind.

I dress my face in stone

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

Last week, I worked from home the whole week because someone’s wife had covid. Today, I was one of the lucky ones that got to go back into the office because I wasn’t actually present for whatever meeting they were all ‘exposed’ in. Luckily for me, I have only been working in the office for half of the day and only about 2 of those are hours with other employees. It limits my exposure to all but about 3 people. It also leaves me with very little human interaction, which I usually do not mind at all but after the last few weeks I have had, I just don’t even know what to do to distract myself anymore.

It’s a stark reminder of why I can’t handle being in love. I need someone to talk to but I do not want to talk to anyone but her. Last night I kind of opened up to a random friend that knows a little because I had to explain to her what I meant when I told her that I was in love with someone. This friend happens to be someone that used to like me when we worked together before. She was a teenager so my first reason was that but later I explained to her that despite her age, I was still not interested because of my emotional involvement – it was a common thing to explain to women that thought I was making it all up but I kept it short and sweet and when they realized I was insane – they just left me alone anyway. Well, since she has been hearing about this for several years by now – since it seems faker then longer i said it to people – she was sweet about it. Reminded me that it was probably just as hard in her too and that if she wasn’t reading my messages there was most likely a good reason and the good reason certainly wasn’t that she hated me. I don’t know why it helps when people help me destroy irrational fears, but it does. So I have spent the day trying to remind myself to act my damn age and remember what was important. I still cried way too much but I think I did better. I really have no idea, I actually want to kick my own ass.

I stopped taking all of my mental health medication during covid because it didn’t seem like I needed it anymore. I never had anxiety attacks when I didn’t leave my house. Eventually I quit going to the doctor all together because I got a call from my counselor person saying that she took another job so someone else would be contacting me for my next appointment but then I decided that if she could quit, so could I and since my emotional outbursts were down like we have wanted to do, it seemed successful and I thought I was done. I can’t even remember which came first but here I am, in a new house, completely alone and I haven’t taken any of my medicine in months and I don’t even remember my last psych appointment but he was terrible at phone appointments anyway. In person he could ramble on and on and teach me things about myself that I didn’t know but once it was over the phone, he just asked a few basic questions and took my non answers and refilled the prescription. No one even called me to make that next appointment, A lot of people that go there really need it more than I do, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was worse off – but all that to say is that I guess I am worse off.

I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dream

But as bad as I am
I’m proud of the fact
That I’m worse than I seem

I guess I need to ask the lady if I am not as bad as I think…

Right now I feel pretty fucked up. After my friend reminded me that is probably just as hard on her that is on me – I have just wanted to protect her from me.

I am going to go take my medicine now – but I am going to continue to listen to songs that tear me to pieces.

But oh baby, maybe someday
Maybe somehow.

When my conservative aunt found out that I was a lesbian, she cried and the apologized. She said that she didn’t care that I was gay but that my life was already so hard, it just hurt her to know that it was only going to get harder.

At the time, I brushed it aside thinking that was just a nice thing to say – but the more social situations that I fail at, the more I think about her words and what she meant.

She wasn’t saying it because so many people hate gay people like I thought.

She was saying that she saw the sea of heart break coming my way.

I used to fight back.

I don’t even want to anymore. Now I just want to hang my head in shame and wonder why I ever thought love was possible. I am all over the place and all alone. Hungry and can’t it. Isn’t it Ironic… I don’t think.

Last thing, of all the songs at the concert that I knew would make me cry, this next one was not one that I had ever paid attention to before that night and well, its been haunting me since.

https://youtu.be/1veYTsVMsI0

And that is why I just want to cry and apologize for being such a damn lesbian all the time.

I don’t think war is noble

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   0

The last couple of weeks have been really difficult on me. I was left stunned and completely speechless when I read her message and then as the day went on and she never returned, my anxiety started to build. I must have been in some sort of denial telling me that she would come back and at least read my messages – but she still has not.

Everything she has said to me over the last three years or really the entire eight and a half years doesn’t just go away. I can’t forget the incredible things that she said nor can I shake the moments that were on the more tragic point in life.

When I woke up in the beginning of August, I knew that it was just a matter of time before she took a phone break for his birthday – now I am left hoping that it only lasts a month or even a year this time.

I am not sure what I was supposed to think or do. What did walking away even mean? Why did she say she wanted to live with me? Why oh why do I let this hurt so damn bad.

Last night I went to Austin, trying to go out with my sister. Things didn’t go as planned. I ended up crying in a gas station parking lot when my car didn’t start right away and almost drove off without taking the gas pump out of my car. A guy saw and ran over and stopped me – I was still crying at that point. I drove home from south Austin crying and not knowing what to do. That’s what I kept thinking about why he would be extra mad when he found out it was me and not the other way around. I thought about how I betrayed him – because I was so excited to know her – and now, I am not even allowed to know her.

I have been screaming every pop song that’s been speaking to me – and crying a lot. I am not cut out for war.

How do I know all the words?

• by admin • In Alternative, Country, Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

Someday, YouTube will tell me how many times I have listened to these song – it if was a tape, I would have worn it out by now. At this point I am just clicking on my favorite suggestion to the rights for the next song. It is possible to sit here and do nothing else but listen to the toughest music that I could think to listen to. I check my phone more often than I should and tell myself that she is probably a sleep.

Well, you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep

Passenger

I feel like I am only about two steps from Tailor Swift and I have already seen Sarah McLachlan grace the suggested list as if someone is picking the songs for me. It would be nice if these algorithms would just stop – I have seen The Social Network and its working.

Tonight is the first time I have heard this song in a different light.

I am supposed to work about 12 hours straight tomorrow but I can’t seem to force myself to go to bed.

And suddenly.. after the next song, I want to go to bed, I just hope she visits me in my dreams. I try not to ask much.

I wonder if she knows how much I fear July 27th after I spent to many hears missing her. I was walking on the inside of the square nearing her bakery at the time. I paused in my tracks – suddenly wondered if anyone could see me – felt like I was in a horrible movie and was in disbelief a that. She used words that scared me for her so I just backed of quickly but I just don’t think that I should do that anymore – but what can I even do?