I flooded my house with the washing machine the other day. Since then I have been pretty tired and on the verge of tears. Visiting Grandma opened that flood gate for me. Since my car had been broken down since before the corona virus outbreak started, I hadn’t been able to go visit her. Finally they asked me to, so I took off a couple of hours from work and went to see her. I took a few pictures – just because I am so afraid of losing everything that I know and love. My life has been relatively stable lately so I don’t really know what is with the flood of emotions on top of my other massive water issues but I am so emotionally exhausted and would like someone to remind me how miserable I became when I did effectively block out most all emotions for about 5 years. Those 5 years practically vanished. I hardly have any reference points or memories at all. There may be a few small joys that come back when referenced or seen in pictures but for the most part – they are just gone.
I really never know what’s going on but ultimately trust her 100% but only trust myself about 85% – so that leads to an internal battle where I convince myself that I am wrong and that I need to just keep to myself and quit being so damn annoying – but this inner monologue is rough. I am my own worst enemy – and now I am stuck with me all alone in some quarantine bullshit while she is with dude.. most all of the time. I wish that I was secure enough for that not to bother me – but it appears that we all knew it. She probably didn’t even want me to know that she was working with him again because she knew that it would make me panic.
Taking my medicine regularly has been difficult too. I have my alarm set for 9:55 and I clock I clock in for work at 10:00 AM – this is another way that I have fucked up my life. We are going back to the office in about 3 weeks from what I understand. I suppose I should start waking up earlier seeing that I typically have a 30 minute commute.
I’m just sad and I don’t even know why but listening to this song did not help matters any.
• byadmin • InMusic, Neo-folk • Comments Off on Just try to be at least as brave as our songs
I will bring my heart I will bring my face You name the time and place
-Ani DiFranco
A few days ago, I realized that I had not written in some time – possibly since I donated blood and passed out in September, but I didn’t stop to confirm that fact. The reason might be that things are going really well for me and for whatever superstitious reason, I feel that I should not write about or talk about things that are going well – just like with any new opportunity that surfaces, I feel like if I am outwardly excited about it – it probably won’t happen, so I guess you can say I have been trying to contain myself.
Loom (1998)
There were moments that I could feel myself start to grow jealous and hopefully it was not outwardly apparent and she just knows me that well, but she always has a way of being the most reassuring and supportive person in my life. I constantly embarrass myself in front of her – trying to be the most open and transparent person possible – and she always warms my heart in the end and makes it totally worth it.
I think that I came here to say that I am thankful for where I am in my life. I’ve grown a lot in the last several years and I feel that I am stronger and more mature for it. There is a reason that I have not had to write much and it’s completely good.
On that note – when I was about 17 years old, I worked at Subway in a gas station. There was this clerk named Rochelle at the gas station that claimed to be a psychic. Eventually out of boredom, I let her read my palm. She had asked me a few questions that seemed to really be on point regarding my grandpa and I started to take her seriously. She said other things that I do not remember anymore but the one thing that I could not agree with was that she said that I would settle down when I was in my mid 30s. I had completely forgotten that conversation and it came back to me on my way to work this morning. At the time I thought I was hot shit and thought it would be impossible for me to be single into my 30s..
Meet – my mid 30s.
Tonight, my grandma gave me a Sony FM/AM walkman and I was messing with it when I stumbled across this song programming presets. I have never heard it but I am willing to bet it is by the same person that sings “Lost Boys” but modern music is not my specialty.
There happens to be someone that I know doesn’t need my help, but I can’t help but be touched by songs like this. She’s actually my hero.
Rescue (2018)
Also, I was completely wrong about this singer – it is not this person at all. This song is kind of strange and I am not really sure what it is about but I enjoy it until I am left with this puzzling feeling that the song might not be about what I think it is.
Lost Boy (2015)
I just want her to be my Peter pan. I’ve always felt more like a Michael Darling.
I haven’t talked to my mom in ten days and I can only hope so hard that I will it into existent that she is doing what she needs to do to finally be able to support herself, again – not that she had ever done it well for long. That’s why she has so many last names. There was a time in my life that I was embarrassed that my mom had 4 kids but as I get older, I realize that I am sure that it wasn’t an easy decision to make. She grew up Catholic but I can’t imagine that ever affected her future decisions – but it could be why I have 3 siblings.
Now that there are three of us left and I pretty much take care of my brother (though many people have strong opinions about that) and my sister’s husband thing would never allow her to come stay with them, she still has no one to help her. My dad would if he could because he is one of the most giving people I know – but he has tried many times and he is too old to take the mental and physical abuse that she puts him though.
He hasn’t spoken to her since I sent her to GA with a one way plane ticket to live with a childhood friend that agreed to take her in after whatever abuse story she told him. There was a point my dad was worried that one of my mom’s drunk friends would believe her and come to retaliate. I am sure that he has PTSD from all that she has put him through. I am the only one of us that she has never physically assaulted but the one time she came close it absolutely terrified my dad.
We were in the kitchen that I grew up in. It was just over 20 years ago right after my grandfather passed away on June 30. She was in town for some child support hearing. I had ran out of gas coming from somewhere. My dad showed up to help me and she was with him. I know at that point I was extremely standoffish but there is no telling what out dynamic was. That was when my siblings were in foster-care and I was too young and far away to do a thing about it. They were in MO. My brother and I were allowed to call them once in a while. I feel like I just talked about that.
I really held a grudge and I didn’t know what had really happened or why they went. In the end, some people say that my sister came out to a psychiatrist saying that she lied about mom pushing her down the stairs. It was a steep wooden staircase to a basement, I can’t imagine that professionals couldn’t tell the damn difference. My sister says that she aged out of the system and that she threw a fit until my brother who was 12 months younger was allowed to go with her.
Back to the original point, the time I nearly fought my mom may have been the day after they put gas in my car. I was still living at home – was about to start my freshman year in high school. It was about the time that I started to get a little taller than my mom and though she was a gymnast that nearly went to the Olympics – I was in much better shape than per alcoholic 35 year old self. I was making waffles or something at the toaster and she said something that she knew would piss me off about my grandmother and everyone in the room knew exactly how I felt about that. It was the only time I had seriously bucked up to someone and I was about her fight her right there in the kitchen. My dad quickly begged me to ignore her with fear in her voice somehow reminding me that I was better than that.
I walked away and went to my room but I never forgot the day that I nearly beat my mom’s ass and I think my dad knew it. No one else in my family will hit her back and you bet she has physically abused every one of them. Brian only after her was an adult because my dad protected us well.
It’s true what they say about support systems. Though I often feel like an outsider as an adult – mainly because I think they judge Brian and I for my mom’s mental illness. They would probably rather our last name vanish with our generation than either of us pass on our last name – but who cares – not me. There is a lesbianesque story in there somewhere but I am not ready to tell it and I know better than to say such a think to such a person but yesterday I was having a conversation and I so badly wanted to say things that I found myself looking at myself in the proverbial mirror thinking what in the actual fuck.
Now for some music because I have lost my train of thought. Some really great things happened today and I almost wanted to tell her about the pizza that I was afraid someone threw away out of the freeze. I will tell one last story before I move on to songs that I listen too way too often.
Chronologically It’s some year long ago. I am sure there is arecord of the event but until then – it was around 2014 or 15 or some year. I call up the local pizza place where I happen to admire a pizza artist manager. She answers the phone to take my order and she may be away of such admiring so she doesn’t ask my name, possibly because I had invented a code pizza since I too am forever 14.
I go to pick it up and she doesn’t let me pay for it so as I float on cloud nine for a few days or however long. The uneaten pieces of my birthday pizza (I forgot that important part of the story it was on my birthday) stayed in my bachelor-like fridge for way too long. A friend of mine – who was too aware of the whole pizza love – was cleaning out the friend and told me to just put a piece in the freezer – so I did.
It stayed there for years to come until I had to move. I really didn’t want to move and I tried everything to find a way to stay but one by one every reason disappeared and I gave in. There was one big reason that I didn’t want to leave and the pizza in the fridge wasn’t it at all but it symbolized something to me that I thought a slice of pizza in the fridge that could contain biological warfare at this point would do something about. Eventually I moved that pizza into a deep freezer in the garage of the house I was staying in. No idea when, how I did such a thing without anyone noticing because if I have ever been called a hoarder – this one was not going to slide by anyone. I have now confessed to said pizza because I thought it was missing and promptly asked everyone about it not thinking about having to explain my question.
What I think makes the story worth mentioning is that sometime last year this classic pizza shop ended up closing its doors abruptly, so I do not think that many people had the chance to get their final slice. It is not edible by any means and my dad laughed and no one actually asked – probably because anyone that knows me know exactly why I have the last piece of Valentino’s pizza in my freezer.
Now for some music that tugs at my soul.
Fuel
This was the first song that I loved off the album but never understood it the way I do now.
As Is
I really appreciate the passion the live version.
Two Little Girls
Loom
Pixie
I don’t think war is noble And I don’t like to think love is like war But I got a big hot cherry bomb And I want to slip it through the mail slot Of your front door You can’t leave me here I got your back now You’d better have mine ‘Cause you say the coast is clear But you say that all the time So many sheep I quit counting Sleepless and embarrassed About the way that I feel Trying to make mole hills out of mountains Building base camp at the bottom Of a really big deal
Ani DiFranco – Independence Day off Little Plastic Castle released in 1998
Independence Day
You can’t leave me here I got your back now You’d better have mine ‘Cause you say the coast is clear But you say that all the time
I could never vocalize how this song makes me feel.
I don’t want to be afraid.
Photos from Bella Concert Hall in Calgary by Josh Platt
Today, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye. As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.
They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.
This is what it thought that I should listen to:
…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..
I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.
Can I be the first to say that I fall in love with her over and over again. It’s been like this since the day that met her. She wouldn’t want to know that I often refer to her as ‘the woman that I am in love with..’ The next few words is always, ‘Well, what’s the problem?” That’s never fun to try to avoid.. time, life, people, love. you pick. They usually laugh and ask if she has a boyfriend. Sometimes I just say that I hope not.. I have a reputation of liking straight women.. if they only knew.. she just might love me too.
