Folk Rock

I’m driving myself crazy and I’m making you insane

• by admin • In Blue Rock, Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music, Soul music •   0

The song that I am adding tonight is more of a compilation of the past, not complete relevant currently but I love it so it is the night’s theme.

I would imagine I mentioned in my last entry that I got a huge splinter, passed out a few times and was taken to the hospital by a friend – in the middle of the Covid-19 shit, which I can’t even stand the word so I only type it for clarity. I had to get a tetanus shot and the spot still hurts on my arm. I guess it had been about a day and a half now but today I start getting a terrible head ache as the rain came in. I reminded myself it could be allergies, it could be pressure change – but of course IT COULD BE COVID-19!

This shit is crap because everyone is all over the place about it. My county is up to 42 cases which statistically sounds really small mathematically, but I remind myself that those are confirmed cases and everything just seemed to always be changing so I can’t even believe anything. I am just staying home and going to the grocery story every few weeks when my dad can take me. A few people have been coming over to my house, but I guess I will see how that ends up for me. Going to the hospital is the move that I would not have made if I could help if and its more than embarrassing that I went for a splinter, but I was freaking the fuck out.

The more I thought about it – this would have never happened when I was poor before I had health insurance. If my brother was home, when I passed out, he would have removed it – saving me the hospital visit, the $150 co pay and possibly any infectious diseases I could have contracted from walking through those doors. But he was not – and the person around me was not someone I need performing medical tasks on my sleeping body, so to the dirty hospital we go. It was actually completely empty. I was screened at the door. It was the fastest visit I have ever had – so around here we are actually doing pretty good compared to most people.

When checking the news, it says 4 people remain hospitalized and 10 have recovered. There were some tents set up to the side of our hospital and from what I understood from people later is that is where they had the Covid-19 patients at. The problem was that I only had ibuprofen at my house and I read some crap that it could cause complications if you were to get the virus – so just to be safe I didn’t want to take it but after my head ache was throbbing and I decided I was more likely to be having side effects to the tetanus shot than anything else, I took the medicine, talked to the woman I love and cried sweetly to her about how much extra attention I needed – and thankfully the medicine kicked in and started working because I am the worst when it comes to feeling bad. I used to get sick a lot but now that I have changed jobs, I really haven’t been sick at all. I had been working in the same building for 15 years before – there is no telling what was going on in that old moldy thing.

On to the song, an internet friend of mine, Bree, of which I met around 2004, introduced me to Doria Roberts. The song tonight comes from her album, Restoration and is the only one I have actually listened to but to my completionist partner, she will be happy to know that I listed to it from start to finish many times. And note to future self; I meant future partner – just slips sometimes. That woman I love. whatever it is that I should say.

Before the song starts, I want to say that she was more like 1000 miles away – but I survived somehow and she came back and my life is so much fuller with her in it. She is currently six blocks away in the least creepy way of saying that, which is less than half of a mile according to the internet. I just want to run to her. I haven’t seen her in so long – but I remind myself – I am lucky to have her in my life and then I continue being grateful, but today I was feeling so sick, scared and alone, it was pretty bad. She found a way to comfort me. I have never believed in metaphysics more in my life.

Basically, I hope she is my twin flame. I’m not even scared.

Doria Roberts – Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought (1999)

I will go down with this ship

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   0

The last week and a half has been incredibly frusterating for me. After my car broke down late at night, with help from my dad, I had it towed to my house. After 2 people have messed with in for over 4 days off and on, I am back to waiting until the weekend for the hope that something will go right. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be looking for a new car soon – and I have that feeling.

I have been fortunate to have plenty of people willing to help me get back and forth to work. With my job, I am completely prepared to work from home at any given moment. Just a few days ago, I picked up four hours that I was able to work from home to cover for another employee. Where that becomes a bad thing is when my car is broken, I am struggling so get up the courage to ask my boss if I can work from home for a few days and he declines.. because he doesn’t want people to take advantage of it. He knows damn well my car is very broken – so that translates to that he has no control of the team, to me.

I had a performance review with said boss today and he had nothing but positive and kind feedback. He paused to try to come up with something that needed improving and laughed his way out of the fact that he had none. He told me that I was up for a promotion but that we didn’t get the raises until September. I will almost feel bad if I am the only one that gets promoted out of the 3 of us in the position but I guess that’s what it’s like when you are working on such a small team.

As I floated my way through my day dream – I joked with myself on the way to a bathroom break later in the day; “Now if my future-girlfriend would just promote me.” I can’t imagine that she would know that I call her that but it’s been going on for way longer than I would be willing to admit. Calling her my ex gf would be completely confusing. I try not to even refer to her by her first name most of the time because of this one time this one thing happened. Basically, if she has ever raised her voice even the slightest when talking to me, I immediately attempted to stop doing whatever it was I was doing to cause that. Then I remind myself that life was a lot different back then but I just try to keep my excited girl self quiet HOWEVER the need to refer to my future girlfriend comes up now and then and that’s what comes out.

The first time someone hears me say it they ask questions like, “…What?!?” Then I simply give a sentence or two statement and act like it’s completely normal. Then I just accuse them of not understanding lesbians if they even think twice about it.

Later in the day, a friend called me on the phone. We talked about a site that I am working on for his job and we moved on to him offering me a place to stay if need be when the time comes. I should handle these situations better because I never do it right but somewhere in there I said that I wasn’t looking for a roommate because my girlfriend would be moving in with me at some point. It just slipped out because.. I didn’t really think that he knows much about my life and just seemed easiest but suddenly he got really excited for me and I had to explain that I had no explanation as to why I said that… but she was just still my future girlfriend. Who needs labels anyway. she knows that she is my love and I think that’s all that matters.

And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still

I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Music •   Comments Off on I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands

When Ani announced her tour this year, I looked at the tour dates and picked Meow Wolf or Lake Tahoe to attempt to attend. Both are over 500 miles from my house – one 3 times that. With the budget and inability to see my love, the plans fell through but here is Swan Dive from a show I dreamed of attending.

It’s also a song that’s really special to me from an album that I have grown to love.

The other night I made this art as the second piece in a series that I call Ani DiFranco Paint Splatter. It was displayed on my Deviant Art account.

But I’ve had a lack of inhibition

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Dreams, Folk, Folk Rock, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music, Punk Rock •   Comments Off on But I’ve had a lack of inhibition

This morning something quite unexpected happened. I doubt that I will forget it so for now the details won’t be anywhere but in my heart but I will leave a few notes for myself for when I decided I need to know, years down the line.

Train       

To see a train in your dream represents conformity. You are just going along with what everyone else is doing. Alternatively, a train means that you are very methodical. You need to lay things out specifically and do things in an orderly and sequential manner. In particular, if you see a freight train, then it refers to the burdens and problems that you are hauling around. It is also symbolic of manual labor. If you see a passenger train, then it relates to mental work.

To dream that you are on a train symbolizes your life’s journey. It suggests that you are on the right track in life and headed in the right direction.  Alternatively, the dream means that you have a tendency to worry needlessly over a situation that will work out in the end.

Hair

To see hair in your dream signifies sexual virility, seduction, sensuality, vanity, and health. It is indicative of your attitudes. If your hair is knotted or tangled, then it is symbolic of uncertainty and confusion in your life. You may be unable to think straight. If you dream that you make a drastic change to your hairstyle, then it means that you are taking a drastic, new approach to some issue in your waking life.  

To dream that you are combing, stroking or styling your hair suggests that you are taking on and evaluating a new idea, concept, outlook, or way of thinking. You may be putting your thoughts in order and getting your facts straight. A more literal interpretation suggests your concerns about your self-image and appearance.  

To dream that you have long hair indicates that you are thinking long and carefully before making some decision. You are concentrating on some plan or situation. Dreaming that you have hair so long that it gets in your way suggests that your thoughts and/or ideas are preventing you from moving forward. Perhaps you are doing too much thinking and not taking any action. 

To dream that you are reaching for or running your fingers through someone’s hair suggests that you are trying to connect with that person on a spiritual or intellectual level. It also refers to sympathy, protectiveness, and fraternal love.

Today, I did and said things that I thought twice about, thought I should keep to myself but shared with her anyway. There was something in the back of my mind in my brother, Stephen’s voice, saying that I may never get the chance that I wait for. He would have told me to live in the moment if he was here and I saw him days before he died – so that changes ones perspective.

I told her about my dream and we were both a bit surprised when our dreams over lapped. That’s the only words that I have for it right now. My dream was quite life-like, the type that get my attention and are stuck echoing for days leaving me questioning if it actually happened or not. I couldn’t tell you where I was or what I was doing specifically. I can say that I know how I was laying in the dream, how I felt, who I was with and that I had started to fall asleep in the dream and it seemed as if I woke up for work as I fell asleep in my dream. It’s moments like this that remind me that there so so much more to life that I am giving it.

I started talking to Couch Boy about BladeRunner today and he said a few things about the premise and it made me want to see it even more and left me questioning how she would feel about BladeRunner 2049 or whatever year that new one is. I will find a moment to ask.

I’ve got better things to do than survive 
I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands 
And I’ve got a vision of blue sky and warm land 
I’m cradling the hardest, heaviest part of me in my hands

Album: Little Plastic Castle

Gravity is nothing to me 
I’m moving at the speed of sound 
I’m just going to get my feet wet 
Until I drown

Songwriters: Ani Difranco

To hell with the consequence

• by admin • In Blue Rock, Country Rock, Folk Rock, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock, Roots Rock •   0

On the playlist for the show, these two songs are listed together. I could only imagine it is because of the commentary in between that speaks right to me.

Today, I was listening to my Melissa Etheridge concert from 3 months ago – because I am a strange bird, I noticed – I think she is talking to me – or about me – are all lesbians really that similar?

It was about that moment when I realized, what if she had been able to come with me? How would I feel listening to all of these songs with her life. She would probably hold my hand like she did during that sex scene in that movie and then everything would be better.

Gruene Hall

When I saw this at the first show, you can hear me laugh in amusement. I really shouldn’t be amused with this – but at least I am not alone, right?

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music •   0

400_WithFriendsWeAreNeverAlone_1024x1024Today has been the longest day in a long time.  For some reason, I thought that it would be a little easier after she left, but it wasn’t.  When I say that it would be easier, I mean, as I waited, for 2 weeks, for the day that she would leave – I wanted to see her change her mind and stay.  It was a count down of when she would be gone and it was terrifying.  I thought that maybe that fear would be gone once I knew that she was on her way to start the next chapter of her life, but I missed her terribly all day.  She’s probably not even talk way there yet.  Around noon, she stopped by to give me a picture that she made for me and then she left.

As I typed those words about the picture, I was looking at it and saw there was this charm and seemed to open and once I opened it, there was a note inside.  It made me cry.. the sweetest tears.  I am quite sure that I will marry that lady once day.  This is the first time in my life that I ever thought that I would even consider marriage.   She won’t ever know, but I already went to my company’s website and looked at local listings.  I found a few nice once, it seems like there is a huge job market in her area for my work.

I am going to continue my day my going to tell my sister all about everything.   She has been a huge supporter through out everything.  That reminds me, in less than a week, this website will have been 2 years old.  It was started after she told me that we couldn’t talk anymore.

You’re so adventurous, I’m so very cautious

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   0

6d43953951009d57ba94751a7a07720fToday, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye.  As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.

They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.

This is what it thought that I should listen to:



…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..

I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.