Folk music includes traditional folk music and the genre that evolved from it during the 20th-century folk revival. Some types of folk music may be called world music.
Yesterday, I saw the eclipse with her and it was the most magical. Beyond what works could express. The clouds tried to get in the way but it quickly faded into a day that I could never forget.
Here’s some random songs that could be better:
Once I was driving and I saw the best shooting star just as the opening bars to this song played. I remember crying the softest tears to the piano.
I feel like this was a song that I originally learned at nap time from the country station:
It has been too difficult to even write about. So many things have happened and I am left crying my eyes out in a house all alone. My puppy doesn’t know what to do but she is trying her hardest to comfort me.
I will skip ahead past all of the agonizing things I have been avoiding writing about. A few days ago I posted some meme about listening to Ani DiFranco and a random guy in my town said that School Night was one of the best songs ever. After I said that I would check it out as I did not know it, he warned me not to if I was having a good day. Since I had nothing to lose, I went straight for it after work. It took a few replays and reading the lyrics before it completely wrecked my world. I knew this movie and I did not know there was a sound track. There is a roller coaster of emotions that goes with this song and I am sure its easy to see which line digs the deepest – its the one that reminds me that no matter how soft I get, I am still a jealous lesbian and I don’t know that I can ever escape that.
I haven’t been able to talk to her in so long and its really getting to me. I feel like I did some stupid shit back on July 20th. It was an important day to me and the day prior I was at work and realized that it was the middle day between when my friend Jenn was murdered (July 15th) and the day my brother died (July 25th) so as I will, I took it as a sign that I had to find a way to check on her because I would not loose her to domestic violence or anything else.
Well things didn’t go as planned and I pretty much embarrassed myself while trying to be some super hero.
Here is my tragic song, though I consider it to reside around the middle of August 2013 so this will be a reflection of my agonizing past, and well, I really have no idea what the current reality is – I am so long and afraid of what I don’t understand, I just panic myself constantly while making all of the wrong decisions.
At this point I am putting my trust in her and believing that she knows best. It terrifies me to no end, but I just wait to hear from her, so patiently and possibly stupidly.
I’m already the asshole. I realized it just a few years ago, that he would be furious.. I knew it would be worse when he realized it was me. When I was younger, I was dilutional, I thought – he won’t hate me.. but at some point, it occurred to me that one day.. he would fucking hate me. and I feel.. that day has come.
That’s based on the information I absorbed mid panic attack at the Walgreen’s parking lot. I believe I referred to this Sunday adventure as in the CVS parking lot for the first month or so but once I calmed down I realized that.. that was clearly.. always a Walgreens but sure CVS when you can’t think straight.
It’s really hard that I only want to be part of one person’s life and somehow – I am not capable.
This has always been a favorite to me – when my dad was struggling to raise us, we listened to Jimmy Buffett exclusively, I thought it was just what music was.
When I turn 40, I hope that we are close enough that it is not odd that I hope to spend it with her and her sisters – I just want to know them. Her oldest sister will be 44 by then.
I feel like I am running out of time – I need to get through to her but I am panicking and it makes it really hard for me to speak clearly.
I met her 9 years ago today – I think I have been holding my breath ever since.
Today has been really difficult for me. Its been a month since we were supposed to meet at the glass blowing shop and the following night, she messaged me at 5 am stating that she broke up with C and the rest of her message frightened me to the core.
I have been searching for a way to talk to her without censorship and I have been failing greatly.
The last message I sent her before going to bed said that I wished that we could stay up all night talking.
Then I had a dream, that felt like it lasted all night. We went multiple places and had an amazing time. Currently I can remember a few specifics and it seems that those were the moments that really stood out to me in the dream – but what do I know, I can’t even remember the rest.
I can’t connect the dots or even guess how it all started. I can say that there was a time that I was in a pool, and I feel like I had to get in in my shirt and underwear. I’m not one to make such bold moves. At some point, I was touching her side, taking note that it was real and I could actually touch her, she put her hand on mine to calm my nervous movements.
If I were to try to pull specific themes to go read about, this would be my thrown together list.
Its more of the specific moments that stand out to me but I am not ready to put words to it. I woke up feeling like we spent the night talking – but I can’t remember any meaningful dialogue.
We were walking through some field, it almost resembled a game that I play, when the sun started to come up and she pointed over toward the horizon and made a comment to suggest that we did get to stay up all night talking.
Pool
To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.
Restaurant
To dream that you are in a restaurant suggests that you are feeling overwhelmed by decisions and choices that you need to make in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that you are seeking for emotional nourishment outside of your social support system.
Sunrise
To see the sunrise in your dream represents new beginnings, renewal of life and energy, and fulfillment of your goals and purpose. You are about to embark on a new adventure in your personal life.
Touching
To dream that you are touching someone or something indicates that you are trying to communicate your feelings and your need for contact. You may be trying to evaluate a situation and gather information about your environment.
To dream that you are being touched represents your closeness and/or relationship with a particular person. It may also mean that you are connected and well in tune with an aspect of yourself. Alternatively, being touched may be a metaphor that you are feeling emotional and sensitive.
I know there was much more and if it comes back to me, I will attempt to amend.
Her friend tried to video call me on fb while I was working, so I messaged her back to see what was going on. She was at the river killing time in town and needed to find somewhere to be for a few more hours as her house sold. I had only met her once, probably in 2014 – which was a night I will always remember, because it was the first time that I was introduced to any of her friends. Well I told her that she as welcome to come over, that my lunch break was about to start but after that hour I would be working again but she was welcome to hang out as long as she wanted. I didn’t want to turn her friend away. I thought she must be desperate if she was asking me. After she left, I had a smile on my face and in my heart. A few things arose in conversation, though I tried to stay away from the subject – of course I listened anyway.
I was left with a few questions that I either answered my self or don’t really need to ask.
Why did she say she was a lesbian? I mean, I know she is but how does her straight friend know so confidently? This was an unprompted comment that was in response to her frustration that she was back with the boy.
How was he raised, what did that even mean, what is weird about him?
The only question that I asked seemed completely appropriate and that was asking if he was dangerous or violent. She laughed and did not think that he was.
When she said that he was leaving soon to go to some music festival, I wanted to ask more – but all I really had to do was go to sleep and when I woke up I knew that it was the Chicago Riot Fest without any question about it.
I also grew suspicious about how strategic the seeds were that her friend had planted. It wasn’t a bad thing but I kept replaying the conversations over in my head. It didn’t all come up at once and she certainly was not the topic of conversation at all but it seemed that every time we went out to the backyard for her to smoke a cigarettes, she would get to thinking and say something in a venting way – I tried to just listen but she was talking about the love of my life and giving me inside info – on purpose or on accident, I wasn’t going to pry but I also wasn’t going to stop her. I trusted her to be a good friend to my future lady and over all I think her intentions were pure.
I tried not to react when his name came up. I tried to keep all of my options to myself and I think that I did a pretty good job. She kept talking about her current boyfriend or someone that she is in love with. I felt lead to open up but I resisted. One of the last things I said to her, which seemed like a funny ‘joke’ at the time and related to what she was saying about the guy – well I decided to say, “So are you saying that I should tell M that I am in love with her.” She laughed and said, “I think she already knows.”
I repeated: “I think everyone knows..” and that’s about where it ended.
When I was trying to avoid messaging her so much when she was having some radio silence, I tried to meet new friends online because I thought I would feel less alone. I talked to 2 people for a little while, one about 3D printing and art stuff and the other – about pets and things I guess – kind of nothing. It certainly didn’t fill any holes and I guess life doesn’t work like that. I’ve kind of already stopped talking to them just because I don’t even know what to say and even though I felt like my profile was pretty clear that I was only interested in friends and I never once even thought about the conversations as anything else – I purposely only messaged women I was not attracted to – then again, I can’t say that I can think of any women I am attracted to but her – it’s weird but I just have no interest. Well the reason for writing whatever I am writing here is that after Maddison joked asking how M felt about me talking to these women, I replied with something bitter like, “I don’t know she won’t talk to me.” After the shocked reactions that uncomfortably lasted for what felt like over 5 minutes, I followed up with, “and probably nothing because I would like to think she trusts me completely. That night Maddison didn’t even say anything mean because she was so shocked that M wasn’t talking to me. I kept most all of the details to myself because I don’t think it is anyone else’s business but once in a while my heart slips out and spills all over the place. This site is a 7 year running example of that.
I probably don’t tell her anything about the times it has happened before, I usually keep that to myself but this time everyone noticed the way I was acting but I really just felt like I wanted to be alone. Everyone was complaining that I was difficult to be around and well – my response was – then go away. That never happened and the complaints stopped so, I guess I am not an asshole anymore – that’s a nice change. Just give me time. I have a lot of work to do but I continue to try and learn every day.
There’s so much I want to say to her but I am terrified of losing touch. I have a few weeks to think of what I want to do and hopefully we can have the deepest conversation of our lives soon. I just hope that she can put her trust in me.
Today, this song crossed my mind: