Country

Country music, also known as country and western (or simply country), and hillbilly music, is a genre of popular music that originated in the southern United States in the early 1920s. It takes its roots from genres such as American folk music (especially Appalachian folk and Western music) and blues.

To put it mildly it was love at first sight

• by admin • In Country, Music •   0

Nearly two decades ago, our grandparents bought my brother, cousin and I the cassette tape of our choice. My cousin has Brooks and Dunn, Brian had the tape with “Jukebox Junkie” on it.. a one hit wonder, so I would have to look that one up and I had Collin Raye “I Think About You.” The thing about cassette tapes was that, you listened to the whole thing, so I knew every song on that tape.

Today as I thought about my late little brother.. Stephen… I think that’s what people say.. I start to cry. As I type and consider my sentence structure.. I can’t help but appreciate everything that, my absolute favorite teacher, Ms. Couch taught me.. It’s been a rough few months..

I was half way through work on Friday when I read the news about Ms. Couch’s passing.. Her daughter posted a message on her facebook. I read it during my lunch break. Brian was right next to me and saw my facial expression drop and tears come to my eyes. I turned to him and told him that Ms. Couch had died. He knew her.. he knew what she meant to me.. and he is the only person that knows what a difficult life I have lived..

There has been a few women that I have opened up to in my life. Most of them, ladies that I have dated.. a select few. Months ago, I did something stupid and pissed M off. She said something mean over email that made me cry instantly. This could have been a year ago – it feels like it has been some time. I had just finished season one of “Alphas” and was quite convinced that I could has Asperger syndrome and I decided to tell her. She was quick to say something sweet, which calmed me down quickly.. but I don’t really have many people like that in my life anymore. I have found ways to push most everyone away. It scares me to notice. I isolated myself for a while after T left but I had some good friends that didn’t let that happen. There has been so many people that have helped me grow up despite my obvious challenges.

That day, that M made me cry, I messaged T and told her what was going on, generically, I respect M’s privacy and try my hardest not to talk about her. That day I told her that I thought that I might have Asperger syndrome and she calmed me down by saying sweet things too. She convinced me that I have just been dealt a very difficult hand and that I have done the best that I can do handle everything that is thrown at me. She assured me that I was a unique and strong individual that just faces many more obstacles than most. I have no idea how all of this is connected, but I know that it is.

There are three songs that I will list here. The first one is my initial inspiration for writing today. The second verse made me cry. They are all very eye opening. The second one has always made me cry. I haven’t listened to it today but for some reason I am going to make myself. That country song “Holes in the Floor of Heaven” isn’t a song that I can handle either. It’s hard to imagine that I lost my grandfather nearly half of my life ago – it reminds me about how much time does not help.. any.

The third song uses genders that are not fitting to my fantasy world – but then again – neither does anything else, so I will dream and imagine a life where I have everything that everyone else does and that is in the least selfish way possible. There is something about being hopelessly sad that makes you wish that you had a loving girlfriend to hold you and touch your hair as you cry – much like that feeling I get when I am super sick. How does one day, I just need you to be sweet to me in the most platonic way possible. I am sorry that I am in love with you. I will put it all on pause, just hold me.

the youtube reminded me of a few more videos that i had to watch. would you know that I cried like a baby the whole time. I won’t be revisiting those videos options. The last song made me smile so much when I thought about how we met on this corner outside my house because she walked over. My heart did begin to rush the minute that I saw her. We went to IHOP.. I am pretty sure that I ate stuffed french toast.. strawberry.

being in love is rough… especially when.. why is life like this?

When I listen to the last song – the pronouns start to bother me. that same feeling that I get from the last words in “Rumor Has It.”

She’s ferocious and she knows just what it takes to make a pro blush

• by admin • In Country, Country pop, Country Rock, Music, Pop •   0

It’s hard to tell if this is really the best pizza that I have ever had or if it’s just because she made it. When I called in my order, I spoke to a guy, and as I hung up, I wondered, “Will she notice my pizza?” I know that I am such a nerd. My heart may have melted a little when she told me that she thought she recognized that pizza. I am pretty predictable… Actually, I had been fighting the temptation since my last pizza, on my birthday which was over a month ago – so I would say that I am doing well.

When I got in the car to go home, this song echoed through my heart.

I can’t say that I knew who Bette Davis was. Actually, I was thinking about Betty Page but none the less.. I liked it. I couldn’t have asked for a better lunch break, and she even said something that assured me that she does read my emails, even if she doesn’t reply. Oh, I love that about her..

I’ve got your picture, he’s got you.

• by admin • In Music, Nashville Sound, Traditional Pop •   0

When I suddenly ended up with more free time than I knew what to do with, my friends tried to help.  Maddie had heard me talk about records.  I didn’t know much about them.  It was only in the last year that I ever sat down and listened to a record.  When she saw my interest peak, she gave me a small Jensen record player that she had extra.  It had internal speakers and she thought it sounded like shit.  I showed her the connections on the back and told her how to hook up real speakers to it but since she already had a better one, she said it was all mine.

I have collected some records from half priced books and bought a few from my friend that used to own the hemp store downtown.  Torie gave me my most recent record.  It’s called The Original 22 Countrypolitan hits.  It’s about as emotional as the greatest hits of Eddie Arnold that I bought because I used to listen to it with my grandma in the car.  I guess I had never had my heart broken at that time because I hear a lot more in these songs now.

I would be lying if I said each of those didn’t make me think of someone and cry just the slightest tear.

And all that hurtin’ was more than worth it

• by admin • In Country •   0

This morning started with the worst physical pain, but eventually I pulled myself out of bed with enough time to get ready, buy drinks for work from the gas station and log into my computer on time.  My manager asked me how I was feeling, she seemed concerned and I felt like everyone was talking to me like I was a delicate egg about to crack.  I wondered what people noticed when I ran out yesterday before lunch.  It’s not like my manager doesn’t know that I am sensitive.  She has called me that before.. I always took offense to the word until I heard her refer to her dad as being a sensitive artist, ever since then, I have worn the adjective with pride.  Sensitive is not what you want to be when someone kindly explains to you that things just can’t be.

It’s not hard to see that she did it for me.  What’s hard to grasp is why it has to be that way.  I’ve always been great at living in an alternate universe, denying reality, and I was pretty good at it.  In the 15 years that I have know wholeheartedly that I was a lesbian, not once did I ever consider dating a woman that had a boyfriend.  When I thought I was being really “Progressive” I would act like I was going to mess around with a girl that had a boyfriend, just trying to act tough, but I never actually went through with it, until it was accidental.

She had all my respect from day one, before I even knew her story, before I ever felt her love.  I never wanted to pry or to get into her business.  There’s been insecurity and jealousy issues in my past.  Since I didn’t even feel I needed to ask her age or sexual orientation, you can imagine, “Are you in a relationship?”  never came up.  Today in the car on the way back to work from my lunch break, a George Strait song, “She’ll Leave You With A Smile,”  came on the radio, listening to it had never felt the way it did today.  For lyrics and the song click the respective links.  There was only that one line at the end that really hurt reminding me of the reality.. but it was completely accurate.. it was all worth it.  It hurts like hell, but I know she’s trying to make it simpler on all of us, even though I would prefer the more difficult past.  Not all people are as masochistic.  I would face the pain of being away from here every day if she’d let me.  The disappointment would fade eventually when she would tell me that she couldn’t stay or blow me off.

My friends seem to appreciate her decision to cut me off.  Something I don’t agree with at all, but once again, who am I to judge.  This is all too familiar.  I have already felt like this before.  With some help I was strong enough to let her walk away, because things just couldn’t happen that way.  Last night was the first time I took my new medicine.  I really hope that it doesn’t make me feel so sick again.  She said that it would take three weeks.  There’s a part of me that feels like I am giving in and taking medicine that I don’t want to be taking.  It almost seems shameful, but then again, I just did a lot of things… that – I wouldn’t normally do.  The doctor was very convincing, they always are.  From what I remember about last time, it helped when I really needed it.  There’s a generic now so it’s affordable so.. we shall see.  Looks like I join corporate america more and more every day.

There’s something endearing to be able to look back at a total mess and know that the person you love had the best of intentions.  I’m appreciative of all of the time that I got to spend with her and I can only have faith that I will see her again.  It’s very rare that I find anyone that I feel like this about.. and every time, they seem to have a man that feels the same way about them.  It doesn’t seem to ever turn out in my favor.  Not that this kind of thing happens all of the time, but when I fell in love in 2006, by 2008 she had left me to date some guy that looked like her ex boyfriend.  Amazingly enough she was engaged to said ex boyfriend before I ever knew that she wasn’t dating girlfriend steal-er anymore.

When it’s time to talk about more tragic lesbian stories, I will have to talk about how I got to find out about such said engagement.  The feeling that I experience that day in front of her unknowing sister felt pretty similar to the day that I read my new love’s craigslist post 6 months after meeting her, in which it explained he was in a relationship with a man for over 5 years.  It was unfortunate that I had dated her and fell so quickly for her just the 6 months prior.. It’s a sickening feeling for a dedicated lesbian that can hardly imagine straight sex.. honestly.  But she meant to much to me, I tried to get over that, though it appears that I drove her off because I just don’t know how to be friends with benefits.. I am more of a lover with feelings kind of lady.  Who knew it could make life so difficult at times.