Country music, also known as country and western (or simply country), and hillbilly music, is a genre of popular music that originated in the southern United States in the early 1920s. It takes its roots from genres such as American folk music (especially Appalachian folk and Western music) and blues.
There is this dream that I had – it must have been weeks ago. I know that I wrote about it but I won’t link back to it at the moment. The way the dream starts seems to vary because I remember multiple beginnings but in the end I am always at her house.
There’s a part that is becoming more prominent that wasn’t in the first dreams. While we are sitting on the couch right as I get there – the couch is back against the wall that would lead to the kitchen. I have never been there but I have been in the house before so that leads to a whole new level of confusion for my little brain.
As I am sitting on the couch, I look up and concentrate on the beams above me and then look over at the wood burning stove, almost as a way to remind me that this is something very familiar and not to be nervous or afraid as I feel myself – questioning my decision. She seems to be out of the room in those seconds – as I don’t seem to feel the same way when she is near, only in those silent moments in between.
There was a point in time that she would come and go in my life every so often and every time I had managed to grab her attention – in those moments before seeing her, I would be more than nervous. One of my friends, Crys, was over quite often at the time and she would always have a great way of asking me what I was worried about and reminding me – that that something. It reminds me of those moments.
The main point of all of these words is that in my dream, we hang out in the living room for a while. In my dream last night, she turned to me and kissed me somewhat out of nowhere. I feel like I would have noticed if that had happened before. This time she looked at me and smiled. She said, “I know that you think this is a bad idea, but will you come lay down with me.” Her facial expression said a lot more than her words did. I couldn’t help but smile because it was one of the sweetest things I had seen.
I followed her into the dark where there was a TV lighting up the room. He was there, slightly propped up in the back corner of the room on the bed. Watching the TV which was near or in the closet. She laid down, with a good human’s width between them and then I laid down on the edge on her shoulder and she was on her back. From that point it is always the same. She touches me softly and I can’t stop attempting to control my heart rate because I know that she can feel it against her. It may just be getting more detailed each time. The first dream was so fast I nearly had to put a few pieces together.
Maybe – I should just stop thinking about how much I want to fall asleep in her arms every night and maybe then I won’t have such weird dreams.
On the playlist for the show, these two songs are listed together. I could only imagine it is because of the commentary in between that speaks right to me.
Today, I was listening to my Melissa Etheridge concert from 3 months ago – because I am a strange bird, I noticed – I think she is talking to me – or about me – are all lesbians really that similar?
It was about that moment when I realized, what if she had been able to come with me? How would I feel listening to all of these songs with her life. She would probably hold my hand like she did during that sex scene in that movie and then everything would be better.
Gruene Hall
When I saw this at the first show, you can hear me laugh in amusement. I really shouldn’t be amused with this – but at least I am not alone, right?
On my way to work, Brooks & Dunn’s “Red Dirt Road” came on the radio and I stopped to listen to it for whatever reason. I heard a line in it that made me blush and think about it for the rest of the day.
I really don’t give myself that much credit but I appreciated the radios encouragement. At this point, I am thrilled that she knows who I am and cares enough to keep me company when I message her just to hear from her.
This song stayed on my mind until I had to post about it. Why did I stop on this song? Country is usually one of my last choices, but I am partial to early 90s country because of my grandparents. We would listen to it at their house during nap time. I grew up in a home daycare and I am quite sure that it is where I learned my first leadership skills.
I found this cover of the song interesting, but I am going to post the original also since it is the one I heard and then I am going to go a few more years back with another vague story that may serve a purpose one day.
Now that I have seen the video, I can’t stop watching it. That’s the kind of love that I want. I want to smile like that and I want to see her smile. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone noticed – when I used to go into this bakery that she used to work at. I would get stuffed beagles on my lunch break. I would usually take them to go, but I had to wait for them to be heated up. I always wondered what my facial expression looked like when I would hear her laugh in the back. I could feel my heart smile – so did anyone else notice? I saw her once when she was there, I acted like I didn’t. I was paying or walking in, I am not sure. Our lives are strange. Half the time I was nervous as hell. Right before I left to Guatemala, I stopped in there to tell her I was leaving. It was the only time I ever asked about her, the nice guy working told me that she had just left. That was one of the last times that I went in there.
A few years back, I was travelling to Shreveport for work and as I drove on I20 between Dallas and Louisiana, my radio stations would get interesting. There was a night that I stopped on this classic Garth Brooks song because of the first few lines. My brother and I have later talked about how dated the song is with a few lines, but for a country song, it is one of my favorites.
I had to share this guy’s version, because the rest just made me laugh – at the video and at myself. That’s one thing that draws me to her – the way that she makes be feel different than anyone ever has. I would have to describe it as quite feminine because I don’t know a better word. I have never been so interested in someone else. I feel myself giggle when I think about her. My heart skips a beat when she smiles at me – even if she is walking next to him.
I’m not sure if today got much better. I went with my dad and brother to eat lunch at Industry, despite my lack of flexibility in my pallet.. I ate something there – and it wasn’t that strange. Alright, so I ate a baked potato and picked the over priced chicken off of it but who cares, right?
When she came back from house hunting in Austin, she acted like she didn’t treat me like complete shit screaming at me in the middle of our small apartment complex in front of my brother after asking her to stop. She came right in my house, without knocking and joined me and a friend in my room while we were hanging out. My friend was about to leave, so she left and she stayed with her friend. At some point her friend brought her 4 year old over and I was trying to get them to leave because I did not want to hang out but they did not get a clue so I turned off the light in my room and walked out, leaving them sitting in the dark. I started playing a PS2 game as if it didn’t just happen.
My brother and I played a few NES games until we couldn’t get them to work anymore – but I read something today about unlicensed games overheating in NES and it was this unlicensed game that is 143 NES games in one. It’s nice but doesn’t always work – so then we switched to the PS2 and just like that our video game progressed 15 years. The difference in the graphics and types of games are insane. I can’t even imagine what the new ones are like – I can not handle them yet. My newest system that I use is an original Xbox which was late 2001.
I saw this image on a friend’s facebook page. I saved it on my computer to remind me. It’s not that I need a reminder. I need a spine..
I can’t remember the last time that it was said but one thing that she loves to say to manipulate me is – “You are just as crazy as your mom.” It is so hard for me to open up to anyone about my mom because, its awkward enough for me to have to hear people react to things, but somehow, one way or another, it is always used against me. I don’t think that I talk about my mom much. Most people don’t know much about her. When people that I went to high school with hear about my brother passing away or about my sister, they get confused and ask questions. “I thought Brian was your only brother.” Yeah – well, we didn’t really talk about them much.
I was in 5th grade when my dad decided to move us from New Braunfels to Canyon Lake to get away from my mother. Before that, she was getting drunk and beating my dad, what felt like weekly, but I can’t say that I really know – I was between 6 and 12 years old. I remember a lot of it in great detail, but I don’t know if it is because I lived it or because I have heard stories – but I am quite sure that I remember it. My dad was offered a job by a man in Canyon Lake months prior and he took it. His new boss was helping him relocate closer to the job but he knew that he had to be strategic with this move. He found the smallest place possible, so that he knew that my mom and her kids couldn’t possibly follow. It was a decision that was hard for him and may have haunted him since, but he knew that he had to do it to save us and himself.
The school district was about a year behind the one that we were in so we spent a year relearning the same stuff. We were smart enough to realize this meant we were now behind and we hated it. The kids in our new neighborhood were trouble makers and sucked my brother in quickly. We did what we wanted and took care of ourselves. My dad paid $14,000 for that lot and trailer. I can’t imagine such a price tag, but we were poor and as soon as we entered middle school, I knew it.
My mom started showing back up after I graduated high school or as I was finishing it. I believe there was some sort of child support for her younger two that was to blame for that. My next memory of her was around 1999 when my grandfather had passed away. She was never a considerate or compassionate person and we never really got along until I was the only one left that had any sympathy for her. That day, in ’99, I was in my kitchen and she was at my house for whatever reason. My grandfather had just died suddenly and she made some smart ass remark. I don’t know if I raised my first at her or if I just bucked up to her but I was about to punch her in the face. That is the only moment in my life that I have almost hit someone. My dad was right there and begged me to stop, at the time, I outweighed her by at least 20 lbs and I had watched her beat my dad my whole life. It was not the moment to mess with me – she looked scared, and then I just walked away back to my room.
I have never actually had a physical altercation with my mother, but I am the only one that hasn’t. She has tried to fight with my dad nearly my whole life and he has only defended himself, if that. As we grew up, all of my other siblings have found themselves back under her roof for some reason or another (my father’s roof – she has never had a stable job). She has ended up in jail after calling the police because she thought Brian was fighting with her. The police seem to arrest the drunk one, and there she went that time. They always let her out on a PR bond. My dad thinks that they don’t want to put up with her. She has fought my sister countless times, a few when my sister was pregnant. Stephen.. left early, when he came here to get clean from heroin, but they couldn’t stop fighting so he went back and died within days of returning.
When Stephen died, she started to lose it. We all started to question life and way too much. My dad still struggles and feels like he abandoned them back in 1995, but what could he have done? They ended up in foster care for several years. The things my sister tells me is hard to even listen to.
By June 30, 2016 – which happened to be 32 years after my parents married and 17 years after my grandfather passed away – my mom was causing more problems. The cops were called again, mid day and ended up telling my dad to leave “because he had somewhere else to go.” Which meant he was the one with the car, but he was rightfully upset because it was also his house. We talked to him on the phone and realized how upset he was – so my brother and I got in the car and headed to his house. When we entered the house, we could hear my mom’s loud-drunk talking to herself but she had not realized it was us. I called the police on my way out there so we were just waiting for them. My brother made me wait outside because we didn’t want her to attack us thinking that we were our dad. When the police showed up – she started spouting shit off. I told them I wanted a psych eval on her or whatever they could do because she was a danger to herself and my dad. She left in an ambulance for her second check now – I took her to the hospital after getting direction from the crisis line the first time only for them to force me to go pick her up the next day. Same thing happened this time but I wouldn’t take her back to my dad’s house this time.
Every time, they would shoot her full of Ativan and then check her.. she was calm as fuck – of course they said she was fine and released her. A sedated wild dog is fine too.. So I took matters in my own hands. I put her at the Motel 6 and paid for it with help from my dad. That only lasted a few weeks, because at $300 a week, soon, we couldn’t afford that anymore. I was trying to get her into the woman’s shelter but both counties had some argument to explain why they couldn’t take her. Eventually, some old friend from grade school that used to live next door to her said she could come live with him – because she lied and said how horrible her life was here.. at this point, I am sure he is very aware.
I have to look her up from time to time to see if she is in jail. I have randomly checked multiple times after not hearing from her for a while to find out that she is in jail. I have set up an account so that I can text her in jail. Last time I thought she was going away for a long time because she was told that the next time would be her 3rd strike, but that came and went. https://www.columbusga.gov/sheriff/Inmates.htm
There’s a reason I don’t talk about my mom much. There aren’t many nice things to say about her and her life has turned out to be quite tragic and sad in my eyes. I wish that I knew what to do for all of these people hurting for deeply around me, but if I watch too long, I just cry myself.
My brother – is having a very hard time. Its a part of the equation that I have not mentions, maybe because it is the most serious and severe. I should not ignore it, but people act like I do. He gave me a bass guitar a few years back, right before I did Guitar Girl. He taught me one song. I doubt that I could play it again without a lot of practice. I think it would help him if we started playing again.
Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.
I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.
Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.
When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.
The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.
Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.
Today, I came across a video online. At a glance, I confused Travis Tritt with Tracy Byrd. When I read who it was, I laughed to myself – because it’s really not that far off.
This is the county that I used to listen to as I would fall asleep at nap time when I stayed with my grandma before I started school. My grandma always had 97.3 playing. Even when I was too old to take a nap, I spent my summers at my grandparents house. They had a home daycare that she started in order to take care of me after my mom left us. To say the least, the song was an emotional journey to listen to.
Last night, I googled her name. Sometimes I like to do that for the fuck of it. Nothing new ever comes up. She is a private person. There’s not a whole lot to look at but this one site always comes up. Its come background check type site. The site is called www.fastpeoplesearch.com which seems like some fake ass shit to me, but the address information on these seems quite accurate. I’ve google mapped plenty of addresses from that site just to look at old homes.. It’s not the first time I have looked at the site and clicked through names. Last night, I must have clicked too many times because I ended up on C’s name and much to my surprise, his address was listed as one of my best friend’s houses… She has since moved, long ago, but for the first few seconds, that didn’t register. My immediate reaction was, why does he have A’s address on his name? Once I realized the world, in fact, did not revolve around me, I decided that that was one random chain of events. If I had not moved last year, we would live about a block apart. Luckily – I did move.. and then move back, so at least we are like 5 blocks away.
It’s still very strange to me. I decided this was a good sign that I needed to get off the computer and try to go to bed. I couldn’t. So I got back on and emailed her – because I like telling her how weird I am. It’s a tragic flaw of mine… In my quest to be a tragic hero.
