Country music, also known as country and western (or simply country), and hillbilly music, is a genre of popular music that originated in the southern United States in the early 1920s. It takes its roots from genres such as American folk music (especially Appalachian folk and Western music) and blues.
Today, when I heard that she was sick, I was determined to learn to make vegetarian noodle soup, though I knew there wasn’t a chance that she’d ever get to try it – but before noon, I knew I was making soup for dinner.
I think I told her I was going to learn to make it for her or even practice, but I try to minimize my oddities that most laugh at – but the soup was good for anyone that would like to know.
Come Away With Me (2002)
Turn Me On (2002)
For the historical record and my future book, here is my first vegetarian soup, which I named noodle noodle soup.
This was the recipe (Classic Vegan Noodle Soup) that I based it off of but there were a lot of changes, because celery is gross and I don’t know how to buy onions. Did you know pearl onions are hard to dice? I thought it was a great idea so I didn’t have to store a cut onion. I also used egg noodles since I was not concerned about the vegan aspect only vegetarian.
I have been thinking about the way that I reacted on Monday to the implication that I might ever be sad. Tonight, I decided that it might be because I would much rather concentrate on my excitement for the future and would never want anyone to know that I might have a few rough moments along the journey. Plus, when I read the last thing that she said the next morning – it reminded me, that I might be a bit defensive, due to a handful of people interjecting their uninvited opinion about something they knew nothing about. Luckily, I could care less what most people think.
My grandma is still confused why I dated someone with 2 children with different dads – which I really appreciated. Most people wanted to know why I was with a complete bitch or with someone.. with such a different body type and I pretty much feel like I must have been running away from my feelings and tonight – I had a bit of a rough day, but it ended magically.
Tonight, holds a very special place in my heart.
That is all.
3.5 Decades in T minus 23 Hours 36 Minutes.
Well Add 6 hours and 34 minutes to that according to this birth balloon hanging over my desk.
And I am going to sleep happy – excited about the future.
When I was about twelve years old, I went on a road trip with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to Bybee, Tennessee. We all road in a caravan of suburbans pulling travel trailers through The Smokey Mountains. None of us had any idea that it would be our last big vacation but my grandfather, the leader of the pack, passed away about 3 years later and our family was never really the same after that but that’s not the point of this story today. We spoke on CB radios between the cars as this was many years before I had seen anyone freely use a cell phone without worrying about minutes if they happened to have one for work.
We had made it to ‘Aunt Joan’s’ house though – she was our great-aunt. That summer we explored freezing cold rivers that came from mountain run off, found some poison ivy, explored the tobacco far and climbed all through the loft in their barn. Somewhere around my house there is still a red-haired vintage G.I Joe that we found up there. I went to church with my dad’s cousin and though I knew that something was very different, I didn’t know what it was – but it seemed like something from a movie. He had taken me to a Southern Baptist Church and it was as authentic as it gets. I just observed and tried not to laugh but I had never seen such a thing and when you added their accents in, it felt like I was living s life of satire. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I told my dad about the time I went to church with his cousin, Jimmy, and what it was like and how confused I was as a twelve year old. He laughed and said, “Oh yeah, they are the real Southern Baptists from the bible belt – we don’t even have anything like that around here.” I might as well be in the movie Sweet Home Alabama.
The point of all this writing is to tell the world or at least my future self that it was about then that I had my biggest accomplishment in my dad’s eyes – I out-shot his brother-in-law in front of the whole family. That may be the only reason that he was able to over look the gay thing – because that wasn’t easy for him, BUT this is how that happened and there is a slight advantage that most shooters should recognize but I will let people figure that one out on their own.
There we were, innocently shooting at paper targets and then my uncle wanted to show off. I am not the one to challenge anyone to anything, so there is no way that it was my idea. He chose the guns, which were just pellet guns but he handed me the rifle and he took the handgun. We set the rules and made a bet. I don’t know how many shows each we took but I know that if my dad had any control of it, he still has that paper target.
The bet was, if he was able to shoot closer to the bulls eye out of however many shots then I would have to get him a beer whenever he wanted one for the rest of the trip. If I was the better shot (with the guns we were assigned) then he would have to get me sodas the whole trip. Well if you can’t see it coming that I won, then I should just stop here – but I did and I sure asked for sodas at all of the opportune times simply because even at twelve, I felt the societal constrains on my life and it was the funniest thing to everyone to watch this twelve year old girl boss around her uncle when really he wanted someone to go get his beers and his son wouldn’t and he knew better than to just ask – my grandma would have never stood for that.
Make The World Go Away
What’s He Doing In My World
And for some reason, this song might always make me think about that day that my sister approached such a difficult situation so well – and I told her that she was wrong and she didn’t know what she was talking about – only to be completely wrong and slightly embarrassed.
There is this dream that I had – it must have been weeks ago. I know that I wrote about it but I won’t link back to it at the moment. The way the dream starts seems to vary because I remember multiple beginnings but in the end I am always at her house.
There’s a part that is becoming more prominent that wasn’t in the first dreams. While we are sitting on the couch right as I get there – the couch is back against the wall that would lead to the kitchen. I have never been there but I have been in the house before so that leads to a whole new level of confusion for my little brain.
As I am sitting on the couch, I look up and concentrate on the beams above me and then look over at the wood burning stove, almost as a way to remind me that this is something very familiar and not to be nervous or afraid as I feel myself – questioning my decision. She seems to be out of the room in those seconds – as I don’t seem to feel the same way when she is near, only in those silent moments in between.
There was a point in time that she would come and go in my life every so often and every time I had managed to grab her attention – in those moments before seeing her, I would be more than nervous. One of my friends, Crys, was over quite often at the time and she would always have a great way of asking me what I was worried about and reminding me – that that something. It reminds me of those moments.
The main point of all of these words is that in my dream, we hang out in the living room for a while. In my dream last night, she turned to me and kissed me somewhat out of nowhere. I feel like I would have noticed if that had happened before. This time she looked at me and smiled. She said, “I know that you think this is a bad idea, but will you come lay down with me.” Her facial expression said a lot more than her words did. I couldn’t help but smile because it was one of the sweetest things I had seen.
I followed her into the dark where there was a TV lighting up the room. He was there, slightly propped up in the back corner of the room on the bed. Watching the TV which was near or in the closet. She laid down, with a good human’s width between them and then I laid down on the edge on her shoulder and she was on her back. From that point it is always the same. She touches me softly and I can’t stop attempting to control my heart rate because I know that she can feel it against her. It may just be getting more detailed each time. The first dream was so fast I nearly had to put a few pieces together.
Maybe – I should just stop thinking about how much I want to fall asleep in her arms every night and maybe then I won’t have such weird dreams.
On the playlist for the show, these two songs are listed together. I could only imagine it is because of the commentary in between that speaks right to me.
Today, I was listening to my Melissa Etheridge concert from 3 months ago – because I am a strange bird, I noticed – I think she is talking to me – or about me – are all lesbians really that similar?
It was about that moment when I realized, what if she had been able to come with me? How would I feel listening to all of these songs with her life. She would probably hold my hand like she did during that sex scene in that movie and then everything would be better.
Gruene Hall
When I saw this at the first show, you can hear me laugh in amusement. I really shouldn’t be amused with this – but at least I am not alone, right?
On my way to work, Brooks & Dunn’s “Red Dirt Road” came on the radio and I stopped to listen to it for whatever reason. I heard a line in it that made me blush and think about it for the rest of the day.
I really don’t give myself that much credit but I appreciated the radios encouragement. At this point, I am thrilled that she knows who I am and cares enough to keep me company when I message her just to hear from her.
This song stayed on my mind until I had to post about it. Why did I stop on this song? Country is usually one of my last choices, but I am partial to early 90s country because of my grandparents. We would listen to it at their house during nap time. I grew up in a home daycare and I am quite sure that it is where I learned my first leadership skills.
I found this cover of the song interesting, but I am going to post the original also since it is the one I heard and then I am going to go a few more years back with another vague story that may serve a purpose one day.
Now that I have seen the video, I can’t stop watching it. That’s the kind of love that I want. I want to smile like that and I want to see her smile. Sometimes, I wonder if anyone noticed – when I used to go into this bakery that she used to work at. I would get stuffed beagles on my lunch break. I would usually take them to go, but I had to wait for them to be heated up. I always wondered what my facial expression looked like when I would hear her laugh in the back. I could feel my heart smile – so did anyone else notice? I saw her once when she was there, I acted like I didn’t. I was paying or walking in, I am not sure. Our lives are strange. Half the time I was nervous as hell. Right before I left to Guatemala, I stopped in there to tell her I was leaving. It was the only time I ever asked about her, the nice guy working told me that she had just left. That was one of the last times that I went in there.
A few years back, I was travelling to Shreveport for work and as I drove on I20 between Dallas and Louisiana, my radio stations would get interesting. There was a night that I stopped on this classic Garth Brooks song because of the first few lines. My brother and I have later talked about how dated the song is with a few lines, but for a country song, it is one of my favorites.
I had to share this guy’s version, because the rest just made me laugh – at the video and at myself. That’s one thing that draws me to her – the way that she makes be feel different than anyone ever has. I would have to describe it as quite feminine because I don’t know a better word. I have never been so interested in someone else. I feel myself giggle when I think about her. My heart skips a beat when she smiles at me – even if she is walking next to him.
I’m not sure if today got much better. I went with my dad and brother to eat lunch at Industry, despite my lack of flexibility in my pallet.. I ate something there – and it wasn’t that strange. Alright, so I ate a baked potato and picked the over priced chicken off of it but who cares, right?
When she came back from house hunting in Austin, she acted like she didn’t treat me like complete shit screaming at me in the middle of our small apartment complex in front of my brother after asking her to stop. She came right in my house, without knocking and joined me and a friend in my room while we were hanging out. My friend was about to leave, so she left and she stayed with her friend. At some point her friend brought her 4 year old over and I was trying to get them to leave because I did not want to hang out but they did not get a clue so I turned off the light in my room and walked out, leaving them sitting in the dark. I started playing a PS2 game as if it didn’t just happen.
My brother and I played a few NES games until we couldn’t get them to work anymore – but I read something today about unlicensed games overheating in NES and it was this unlicensed game that is 143 NES games in one. It’s nice but doesn’t always work – so then we switched to the PS2 and just like that our video game progressed 15 years. The difference in the graphics and types of games are insane. I can’t even imagine what the new ones are like – I can not handle them yet. My newest system that I use is an original Xbox which was late 2001.
I saw this image on a friend’s facebook page. I saved it on my computer to remind me. It’s not that I need a reminder. I need a spine..
I can’t remember the last time that it was said but one thing that she loves to say to manipulate me is – “You are just as crazy as your mom.” It is so hard for me to open up to anyone about my mom because, its awkward enough for me to have to hear people react to things, but somehow, one way or another, it is always used against me. I don’t think that I talk about my mom much. Most people don’t know much about her. When people that I went to high school with hear about my brother passing away or about my sister, they get confused and ask questions. “I thought Brian was your only brother.” Yeah – well, we didn’t really talk about them much.
I was in 5th grade when my dad decided to move us from New Braunfels to Canyon Lake to get away from my mother. Before that, she was getting drunk and beating my dad, what felt like weekly, but I can’t say that I really know – I was between 6 and 12 years old. I remember a lot of it in great detail, but I don’t know if it is because I lived it or because I have heard stories – but I am quite sure that I remember it. My dad was offered a job by a man in Canyon Lake months prior and he took it. His new boss was helping him relocate closer to the job but he knew that he had to be strategic with this move. He found the smallest place possible, so that he knew that my mom and her kids couldn’t possibly follow. It was a decision that was hard for him and may have haunted him since, but he knew that he had to do it to save us and himself.
The school district was about a year behind the one that we were in so we spent a year relearning the same stuff. We were smart enough to realize this meant we were now behind and we hated it. The kids in our new neighborhood were trouble makers and sucked my brother in quickly. We did what we wanted and took care of ourselves. My dad paid $14,000 for that lot and trailer. I can’t imagine such a price tag, but we were poor and as soon as we entered middle school, I knew it.
My mom started showing back up after I graduated high school or as I was finishing it. I believe there was some sort of child support for her younger two that was to blame for that. My next memory of her was around 1999 when my grandfather had passed away. She was never a considerate or compassionate person and we never really got along until I was the only one left that had any sympathy for her. That day, in ’99, I was in my kitchen and she was at my house for whatever reason. My grandfather had just died suddenly and she made some smart ass remark. I don’t know if I raised my first at her or if I just bucked up to her but I was about to punch her in the face. That is the only moment in my life that I have almost hit someone. My dad was right there and begged me to stop, at the time, I outweighed her by at least 20 lbs and I had watched her beat my dad my whole life. It was not the moment to mess with me – she looked scared, and then I just walked away back to my room.
I have never actually had a physical altercation with my mother, but I am the only one that hasn’t. She has tried to fight with my dad nearly my whole life and he has only defended himself, if that. As we grew up, all of my other siblings have found themselves back under her roof for some reason or another (my father’s roof – she has never had a stable job). She has ended up in jail after calling the police because she thought Brian was fighting with her. The police seem to arrest the drunk one, and there she went that time. They always let her out on a PR bond. My dad thinks that they don’t want to put up with her. She has fought my sister countless times, a few when my sister was pregnant. Stephen.. left early, when he came here to get clean from heroin, but they couldn’t stop fighting so he went back and died within days of returning.
When Stephen died, she started to lose it. We all started to question life and way too much. My dad still struggles and feels like he abandoned them back in 1995, but what could he have done? They ended up in foster care for several years. The things my sister tells me is hard to even listen to.
By June 30, 2016 – which happened to be 32 years after my parents married and 17 years after my grandfather passed away – my mom was causing more problems. The cops were called again, mid day and ended up telling my dad to leave “because he had somewhere else to go.” Which meant he was the one with the car, but he was rightfully upset because it was also his house. We talked to him on the phone and realized how upset he was – so my brother and I got in the car and headed to his house. When we entered the house, we could hear my mom’s loud-drunk talking to herself but she had not realized it was us. I called the police on my way out there so we were just waiting for them. My brother made me wait outside because we didn’t want her to attack us thinking that we were our dad. When the police showed up – she started spouting shit off. I told them I wanted a psych eval on her or whatever they could do because she was a danger to herself and my dad. She left in an ambulance for her second check now – I took her to the hospital after getting direction from the crisis line the first time only for them to force me to go pick her up the next day. Same thing happened this time but I wouldn’t take her back to my dad’s house this time.
Every time, they would shoot her full of Ativan and then check her.. she was calm as fuck – of course they said she was fine and released her. A sedated wild dog is fine too.. So I took matters in my own hands. I put her at the Motel 6 and paid for it with help from my dad. That only lasted a few weeks, because at $300 a week, soon, we couldn’t afford that anymore. I was trying to get her into the woman’s shelter but both counties had some argument to explain why they couldn’t take her. Eventually, some old friend from grade school that used to live next door to her said she could come live with him – because she lied and said how horrible her life was here.. at this point, I am sure he is very aware.
I have to look her up from time to time to see if she is in jail. I have randomly checked multiple times after not hearing from her for a while to find out that she is in jail. I have set up an account so that I can text her in jail. Last time I thought she was going away for a long time because she was told that the next time would be her 3rd strike, but that came and went. https://www.columbusga.gov/sheriff/Inmates.htm
There’s a reason I don’t talk about my mom much. There aren’t many nice things to say about her and her life has turned out to be quite tragic and sad in my eyes. I wish that I knew what to do for all of these people hurting for deeply around me, but if I watch too long, I just cry myself.
My brother – is having a very hard time. Its a part of the equation that I have not mentions, maybe because it is the most serious and severe. I should not ignore it, but people act like I do. He gave me a bass guitar a few years back, right before I did Guitar Girl. He taught me one song. I doubt that I could play it again without a lot of practice. I think it would help him if we started playing again.
