Country music, also known as country and western (or simply country), and hillbilly music, is a genre of popular music that originated in the southern United States in the early 1920s. It takes its roots from genres such as American folk music (especially Appalachian folk and Western music) and blues.
I want to learn to play the guitar so that I can sing her 90s country songs – how hard can that be?
I’m not really sure when it was but the last time time that this next song crossed my radio, I started to cry slightly and then I messed her about it.
And wonder who you’re married to
Wanna say it now, wanna make it clear
For only you and God to hear
When you love someone
They say you set ’em free
But that ain’t gonna work for meI don’t wanna live without you
I don’t wanna even breathe
I don’t wanna dream about you
Wanna wake up with you next to meI don’t wanna go down any other road now
I don’t wanna love nobody but you
Lookin’ in your eyes now, if I had to die now
I don’t wanna love nobody but you
I was just clicking through some new site and saw that there was some controversy between Adam Levine and Blake Shelton and when I took a second to read, the real news was that Blake Shelton was marrying Gwen Stefani. There was a slight moment on awkwardness when I thought back to 1996 but here are a few songs that I love and shaped my adolescence. When I listen to them, the emptions they bring really go back to a few core aspects of my life.
When I hear the song Austin, I nearly cry every time. This song came out in 2001 but I group it with all the other late 90s country music. Time blended together back then. I didn’t know true dedication and patience at the time but I have been spending nearly the last decade learning it and when I hear thing song, I just relate to my own life and situation. I can start about anywhere in this song and sing it – its always during the last message that my voice cracks.
I am so detached from the media these days that I had no idea that they were even dating – but Gwen.. she taught me a lot. Taught me to rebel against the conservative family and area that I was growing up in. No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom and Jewel’s Pieces of You were the first CDs I owned and I feel like that shaped me a lot. Before that I had Collin Raye’s Extremes on tape and any Jimmy Buffet cassette that my dad owned.
Someday, YouTube will tell me how many times I have listened to these song – it if was a tape, I would have worn it out by now. At this point I am just clicking on my favorite suggestion to the rights for the next song. It is possible to sit here and do nothing else but listen to the toughest music that I could think to listen to. I check my phone more often than I should and tell myself that she is probably a sleep.
Well, you see her when you fall asleep
Passenger
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep
I feel like I am only about two steps from Tailor Swift and I have already seen Sarah McLachlan grace the suggested list as if someone is picking the songs for me. It would be nice if these algorithms would just stop – I have seen The Social Network and its working.
Tonight is the first time I have heard this song in a different light.
I am supposed to work about 12 hours straight tomorrow but I can’t seem to force myself to go to bed.
And suddenly.. after the next song, I want to go to bed, I just hope she visits me in my dreams. I try not to ask much.
I wonder if she knows how much I fear July 27th after I spent to many hears missing her. I was walking on the inside of the square nearing her bakery at the time. I paused in my tracks – suddenly wondered if anyone could see me – felt like I was in a horrible movie and was in disbelief a that. She used words that scared me for her so I just backed of quickly but I just don’t think that I should do that anymore – but what can I even do?
Today, my dog had to go to the vet. She got preseribed pain medicine and how she can barely walk. Her age is showing and it hurts to be alone right now, I will come back to a place that has helped me many times before and talk about the music.
Today, songs that Jimmy Buffett has covered when my dad mentioned that he had covered some Grateful Dead songs that had surprised him.
My father was a big Jimmy Buffet fan, growing up, I can’t say I knew much music that was not Jimmy Buffet from him or 90s country from my grandparents, well then and older. My grandmother loved Eddie Arnold. When I knew one of his songs, I had no idea why.
My dad explained that Jimmy Buffett’s version is skewed about his daughter at least in the first verse.
Through coincidence, I now own an album that has Eddie Arnold’s version on it – It would be lying if I said I don’t have a set of records with some songs I play that tear me apart. I realize, it’s really not true but I wish we had records.
I believe Patsy Cline’s version may be the original – either way, I have now pulled at my own heart strings so I will continue to post those random add songs from my record collection that I play to loud and feel too hard to.
I have been having a rough time for a few weeks or whatever. This week, I am sick with sever allergies so that is always horrible. When she takes phone breaks on his or her birthday, I still struggle but remind myself what is important why I trust her completely.
This song came across my mind today, as I looked for a picture of them I realize they were originally a local band around here.
I don’t really have the right words but I sure want to be held tonight.
It’s been a while since I have posted and there are many reasons for that. The most notable one is that I have a wonderful woman in my life that encourages me and supports me, so I no longer have to try to avoid talking to her by talking to myself on this site. Just 27th came and went and I didn’t even notice to get overwhelmed with emotions that no one else would even know about. It was July 29th before I even noticed and I was proud of how far we have both come.
It more tragic news, a friend of mine that I saw pretty regularly was brutally murdered by her husband that she was trying to leave. That alone has caused my worst fears to spike and then get buried due to trying my best to be a normal human. I have spent a lot of time trying to help her best friend, which is Maddie and assist the kids with what they need. She left behind 3 teenage kids and one of them lost his father in the ordeal. The youngest is a very sensitive guy that was already severely depressed for a 15 year old. Now his sister watched his father murder his mother and they are all fucked up to say the least. As far as I know, he is still in the Atascosa County Jail. No one I know has been in contact with him.
Soon, I will post something more light-hearted about my working from home adventures. Just a few days ago we soared past 5 months of working from home. The funny part about that is that my car broke down about 2 weeks before the Corona Virus hype. It was the last day in February and I was stuck getting rides to and from work. My friends and dad had been helping me but I had asked if I could work from home a day or 2 because there were somedays that no one was available to take me into work. I even took a day off due to this but they didn’t want me working from home because we were not trusted – yet, two weeks later plus those 5 months working from home and here we are. Let the record show that we were just as productive when working from home.
I am going to come back to talking about my friend, Jenn, soon but I just can’t even really handle thinking about it directly yet. He loured her to the house they used to share after she had been gone for about 2 months. He show her in the neck as she got out of her car. They all lived with me for a few months back in 2017. He was an asshole but I just took it as your average conservative man. Her and her kids were abused more than I realized – not that any amount is okay. I feel guilty as hell in multiple ways. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it and I can’t believe I didn’t do something. When I expect that someone is in an abusive relationship, I convince myself that I am crazy and it is all in my head because I grew up in such a situation – but the realization that I am probably not wrong a lot of the time – have a very real world situation in my life and it makes me sick that I don’t even know what to do.
I don’t really know what inspired this music collection, it’s about to get very country around here. Exit stage left if you are not into that, no one will judge you. I would like to think that Jenn loved these classics, chances are – she did. I had to avoid one Garth Brooks song as it was clearly in bad taste.
PS. That combination makes me cry – because I am tough.
It’s not the first time that I have had to be the support for someone that tragically lost someone abruptly. 15 years ago, this song would send Pam into a frenzy.
The other day when I was driving in the car and flipping through radio stations, I came across “Don’t Blink” right when it started. I listed to the whole song and cried quietly the entire time. Having an 88 year old grandmother during a pandemic has caused me a great deal of fear and stress. I have only seen her once – and that was mainly because I was needed for her mental health reasons – it is really hard for her to stay alone.
I have been trying to concentrate on taking my medicine daily. Once I went to work from home in mid March, my entire routine was thrown off. I no longer got ready for work – I just rolled out of bed. When I started to panic about her working with him again and being quarantined with him and just everything with him and nothing with me – I started to get really worried, jealous – I don’t even know what but I seem to be back to my ‘loving – I don’t care about any of the details as long as she is living the life that she wants to’ self.
Basically, why I mentioned this song, “Don’t Blink” is because it made me cry when I was driving. I rarely listen to an entire new song – things really have to grow on me, but it was reminding me of what I already knew. We had already been discussing how my niece, who was 1 when we met, is a whole ass kid at this point with a 5 year old little brother. It only added to the perspective.
When I found out that there was a cave less than 100 miles away that people got married in, first I joked to the original poster that I was going to get married in her cave and then I ran off to my love to tell her all about it. She responded perfectly, and I like to think that she knows exactly what I am shyly hinting at. Next month will be 7 years since I met her and though I know that it is insane by today’s standards, I really do want to ask her to marry me. I don’t think that either of us really live by anyone’s standards and you can say that we dance to the beat of a different drum, but I sure wish that I could pull off meeting her in the exact spot that we met 7 years ago – I would walk there all dressed up – hopefully she would show up unsuspecting, but I am.. predictable to say the least. I have never even thought about proposing to anyone before. I grew up knowing that marriage was not for me and it would never happen so don’t glorify it.
My mom left when I was 2 – that is many years of watching my father struggle and hearing that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. He was broken and couldn’t even consider dating or trying again. With that said, I grew up with a very young father that had little to no money. By at least 5 years old, I knew that no one had any extra money to give me for any reason – so don’t even think about asking.
In high school, my friends started fantasizing about their weddings, telling me all about where they were going to get married and what they were going to wear. These were all teenage girls that had no serious boyfriends but they knew that they were getting married one day and no better day than 14 years old to start planning it. At the time, I was realizing that not only was I poor but I was also gay – now I would never have money for a wedding nor was it even legal. I knew what a civil union was, this was the late 90s – but I also knew that I would never have any support from anyone.
So basically, I stopped thinking about it. I was actually already in love with this lady once it started becoming legal.
Well – there were a few states long ago. I remember hearing about Virginia on the radio when I was in the car as a kid, but that may have been the start of civil unions. When I saw that Colorado had legalized gay marriage, which it an awful phrase but it gets my point across – I texted her immediately. She told me something like ‘they know whats up in CO.’
At this point gay marriage and marijuana was legal in CO, I don’t think that many could disagree with whatever her statement was. Now it is still legal, even after Trump has ripped apart the nation, so I better jump on it. I can’t say that I don’t think of how I would ask her to marry me way more often that I would expect and it scares the shit out of me every time, but I think that is how it is supposed to go and we should probably go somewhere amazing to do it – not the side of the road but sometimes you have to work with what is possible. The dang Alanis Morisette concert was the day before that day so I thought it was guaranteed that I would spend it with her but those plans got jumbled to say the least.
Oh yes, and last night I had this dream that was replaying a moment from the past where I reached down to grab her hands and she interlaced her fingers in both my hands and – well – I must say, it’s what my dreams are made of.
Here are some sad country songs –
I flooded my house with the washing machine the other day. Since then I have been pretty tired and on the verge of tears. Visiting Grandma opened that flood gate for me. Since my car had been broken down since before the corona virus outbreak started, I hadn’t been able to go visit her. Finally they asked me to, so I took off a couple of hours from work and went to see her. I took a few pictures – just because I am so afraid of losing everything that I know and love. My life has been relatively stable lately so I don’t really know what is with the flood of emotions on top of my other massive water issues but I am so emotionally exhausted and would like someone to remind me how miserable I became when I did effectively block out most all emotions for about 5 years. Those 5 years practically vanished. I hardly have any reference points or memories at all. There may be a few small joys that come back when referenced or seen in pictures but for the most part – they are just gone.
I really never know what’s going on but ultimately trust her 100% but only trust myself about 85% – so that leads to an internal battle where I convince myself that I am wrong and that I need to just keep to myself and quit being so damn annoying – but this inner monologue is rough. I am my own worst enemy – and now I am stuck with me all alone in some quarantine bullshit while she is with dude.. most all of the time. I wish that I was secure enough for that not to bother me – but it appears that we all knew it. She probably didn’t even want me to know that she was working with him again because she knew that it would make me panic.
Taking my medicine regularly has been difficult too. I have my alarm set for 9:55 and I clock I clock in for work at 10:00 AM – this is another way that I have fucked up my life. We are going back to the office in about 3 weeks from what I understand. I suppose I should start waking up earlier seeing that I typically have a 30 minute commute.
I’m just sad and I don’t even know why but listening to this song did not help matters any.