You know that I’m no good

Yesterday, I read this information online about Hyperthymesia and then I went to take a shower. In the shower, I didn’t even realize that I was thinking about it, but it occurred to me that when she said the thing about painting herself into a corner, it may have been about this one thing I read that left me perplexed and second guessing myself worse than ever – but somehow I found some way to get over it emotionally because I don’t think about it much at all. In the information about people that exhibit signs of hyperthymesia are often people that spend a lot of time replaying events in their head. The reason that I can repeat things like they happened yesterday is because, for me, they did happen yesterday and the day before that and the day before that – all so quickly in my mind I don’t even realize that I am thinking about it but I can practically tell you what that post said and I know that it was in December 2013 – probably on the 17th but that could be a guess. I always feel weird on that day so if its not that day, i seem to think it is. It had been months since we had talked. I’d say in October before she went to San Francisco, but I am getting old, I could be wrong. I know it had been months and I can remember the way my heart lit up when I saw her pictures. I replied instantly and do not have the courage to cross-reference my records in Gmail to see what I even said, but it was bad. I am sure it was along the lines of – To the extent that I understand love, I believe that I am completely in love with you – I am sure there is some logical excuse why you diapered and if there is not tell me anything because I will believe whatever you say. Clearly, I am way smoother than that but I am quite sure she saw right through me before I saw anything coming.

Then I read the post. The title is carved in the side of my forgotten memories. At this time I can only remember playmate, but I would have to shamefully say it is only because I was so jealous after I realized or tried to realize what was going on.

We never talked about it. I never wanted to make her feel uncomfortable and I just decided to leave it alone but somehow my subconsciousness wondered over that way as I thought I was relaxed and not thinking in the shower.

I write too many words so I just think I am going to stop now, but this is the song that was that last thing that played as I drove up to work this morning. I have been listening to some 99.9 and it must be some what local but has good music.

But somebody stole my silver shoes

February 23, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock, Soft Rock, Soul music • 0

It’s not every day that I hear a new Melissa Etheridge song – she’s like my fuckin’ idol.

I feel like there was just an Eminem reference in regards to Melissa Etheridge and there’s just something wrong about that.

The Internet thought I needed a few new songs in my playlist.

But if you break down
I’ll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I’ll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don’t come easy

The most interesting thing about this post is that I have never heard these songs before, listened to them back to back and didn’t plan them at all. YouTube Conspiracy.

Correct me when I’m wrong. Point me in the right direction, I will listen.

It didn’t stop there. I paused this video 55 seconds because I don’t appreciate the way that these songs are talking to me. I wish that I were more confident in… something. I am not used to being so confused about my feelings that I am quite sure about. I guess, I don’t know what’s welcomed, expected or okay. More-so I am concerned that I should be concerned – its all a perplexing feeling I have had for a while.

Not really sure how to feel about it

February 23, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Music, Pop, Soul music, TV • 0

I watching Grown-ish and this song came on.

I used to listen to this song a lot.

The episode that I watched included this:

and then there was this:

I have been stuck in my head thinking about what happened at the Pizza place. I haven’t heard from her sense. I’m afraid that either C noticed and is mad or she was hurt by seeing me with Maddie, which I think would be unlikely – because I am sure that she knows how I feel – but I can’t help but wonder or worry that I screwed up some how.

At least she reads my messages – I am just more concerned that something is wrong but I ignore it because I don’t want her to think I am weird.

And I had a feeling that I belonged

January 7, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Indie Folk, Music, Pop Rock, Soul music • Comments Off

Tomorrow, I take Dutchess in to get surgery on her fatty lumps and skin tags because they could be cancerous. This is all too much for me. Some dirty chick is nextdoor with the kids I love or out getting drunk with someone I thought cared about me a little more than she does. I want to go for a run but I am sad to say that I would rather not go out alone without anyone to tell where I am.. and well, right now, that’s where I am. I have no one to tell where I will be for the first time in a few years. I have been yearning for it and even begging for it and here I am – finding myself lonely. I told myself that I would do all these productive things if I had time to myself again, but instead I obsess over what she is doing and with whom.

I’m giving you up I’ve forgiven it all

August 31, 2018June 23, 2019 • by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Music, New Wave, Pop Rock, Soul music • 0

This morning, I woke up to facebook sharing one of my ‘memories’ with me. It was a post about a text I received from her, 5 years ago. It was a text of frustration with.. my debilitating personality disorders. I don’t even know if that’s a PC term but I have determined that I am atypical or whatever that term is, this is where i take a moment to look it up.

So what I was trying to say, is that I have decided that I am not neurotypical… I did see a psychiatrist recently, and he referred me to try EMDR therapy. I haven’t even looked it up because he said it wasn’t worth looking up because there is a lot of BS online. A lot of doctors have been telling me this a lot lately. They say… don’t even look up the side effects.. it will make you paranoid – so I don’t, but that just doesn’t seem right.

Anyway, as I explained to him that I feel like I have an overwhelming fear of death, not for myself but for everyone that is close to me. He explained to me that what I was describing was a fear of loss, not death. I can relate to that. He thinks I have some signs of PTSD and when I did research the EMDR very briefly, I believe it can be related to recovering from trauma. I really don’t think that I have any trauma to recover from, but it seems like there is n army out there that disagrees with that.

Between my rough childhood due to my mother, bullying in school because I was gay and then the constant verbal abuse from customers.. the doctor really wanted me to consider looking into another career because, he pointed out that… it doesn’t help matters any. We talked about money and how important it is for me to feel financially secure and how I’d rather risk my sanity, to ensure that I have money.. anyway, that’s how that went and I picked a therapist based on being downtown and I am quite sure that he is gay, but I guess I am only assuming based on his photo and voice over his voicemail.

When I left work to go on my lunch break, Naked Eyes were filling my head.

Then Adele took that nostalgia and trying to empower me.. but I don’t really think that worked.

There’s always so much that I want to say and an underlying fear that I am trying to respect your wishes, but what if you need me to step up instead…

Five years ago, I was in the dark. I didn’t understand what was going on. I blamed myself.

It was around that time that you bought your bike at Walmart. My sister has never had such a heartfelt conversation with me.

My niece say you and C at the store and wanted to run up to your in excitement. My sister saw yall and knew that yall were more than just friends and stopped her. She sat me down and tried to explain it to me. I told her that she was wrong and confused..

We were in the small bedroom when I mentioned that my neice saw you at Walmart, because I was always so excited and told you everything, you froze for less than a second.. that happened a lot, but I never realized why… until much later.

The same thing happened when we were walking down the road a few times on different topics…

Little did I know.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead

August 5, 2014November 19, 2018 • by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Grammy Nominee, Pop, Soul music • 0

There is so much that I could say about this, but I still decide it is best to stay as quite as possible. I know how I feel and its hard to ignore all the ideas that cross my mind. After an unexplained chain of events, each of our last names are on my mailbox. It’s something that will make me smile to myself each day that I check the mail, until I realize it is just a piece of paper in a mailbox. I’ve had the best, most confusing feelings. My desire to do right and my passion for her seem to conflict quite often.