Soul music is a popular music genre that originated in the African American community in the United States in the 1950s and early 1960s. It combines elements of African-American gospel music, rhythm and blues and jazz.
• byShe Says • InPop, R&B, Soul music • Comments Off on Have you ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right?
Today has been really difficult to hold it together. Last Tuesday was an emotional roller coaster and I still don’t know what’s going on, but I have a good idea.
The flame extinguisher is at it again and its far more serious than I can express here.
Then this song came on the radio when I was coming home from Jeremy’s house. I enjoyed it too much and then laughed at the thought – in 1998, this is certainly what I was listening to and I have some very nice archived tapes to prove it.
Around 1998, I was in middle school – enjoying cable TV in my own bedroom. Within a few years, I would be tying up the home telephone line for hours downloading these songs on Napster. That may have come a few years later.
• byShe Says • InMusic, Soul music • Comments Off on It never really mattered too much to me that they were just too damned blind to see
She sent me a selfie the other day from when she had gone to a party. She wore a necklace that I had given her so many years ago and paired it with a statement that absolutely filled my heart. I have been wildly shy since. She is far too pretty to be talking to someone like me but I will pause my life just to open doors for her. I can only hope that she is into this trade off. Wait until she finds out that I can fix her internet too. That is a big joke, I doubt my customer service skills or troubleshooting guesses can get me very far here – except that paycheck I depend so heavily on.
Once, a few years ago, my brother stopped me in the hall and asked me how I was going to ask her to move in with me if I was too shy to even talk to her. I felt it was a keen observation on his behalf and answered that I had lived with plenty of people that I didn’t talk to but that was a complete joke. I know that I will be able to get through such a ‘rough’ situation. After a week or two, I am certain that I will be able to handle being around such a pretty lady – nerds have a hard time with that.
Today, I have been trying to find ways tell her that no matter what, she will always be safe with me but I don’t really know how to put that in words in a normal way. How does one say – I do not subscribe to the societal ideal that people can kick people out of where they live.. For any reason. I think I am still a bit sad with that turn in my graphic novel. Suddenly Blue didn’t feel like the Warmest Color after all. The book was great and tugged at my heart strings in every direction. Made my life feel so much more normal for a minute until the story took a 360 and the darkest dive possible. I want to tell her that she is safe with me and that I would never let anything get between us but that doesn’t even sound believable if you have to state it. I’d like to think she already knows this but if I were her, I can’t say that I would be so sure of anyone in this world. If I need to create an ethical soundness resume, at least I have plenty of experience and references.
Here is a random, unrelated, song that I hear on 90s on 9 today. It is a blast from the past that I enjoyed hearing.
Sometimes a song plays on accident and then I can’t stop listening to it. I would never actually call anyone ‘Crazy’ as I think that is insanely damaging and is a pretty damn offensive word. Let’s just say that I have been called crazy plenty and it was never okay.
However, almost every other word speaks to me.
In unrelated magic – this song comes from up to time
The song that I am adding tonight is more of a compilation of the past, not complete relevant currently but I love it so it is the night’s theme.
I would imagine I mentioned in my last entry that I got a huge splinter, passed out a few times and was taken to the hospital by a friend – in the middle of the Covid-19 shit, which I can’t even stand the word so I only type it for clarity. I had to get a tetanus shot and the spot still hurts on my arm. I guess it had been about a day and a half now but today I start getting a terrible head ache as the rain came in. I reminded myself it could be allergies, it could be pressure change – but of course IT COULD BE COVID-19!
This shit is crap because everyone is all over the place about it. My county is up to 42 cases which statistically sounds really small mathematically, but I remind myself that those are confirmed cases and everything just seemed to always be changing so I can’t even believe anything. I am just staying home and going to the grocery story every few weeks when my dad can take me. A few people have been coming over to my house, but I guess I will see how that ends up for me. Going to the hospital is the move that I would not have made if I could help if and its more than embarrassing that I went for a splinter, but I was freaking the fuck out.
The more I thought about it – this would have never happened when I was poor before I had health insurance. If my brother was home, when I passed out, he would have removed it – saving me the hospital visit, the $150 co pay and possibly any infectious diseases I could have contracted from walking through those doors. But he was not – and the person around me was not someone I need performing medical tasks on my sleeping body, so to the dirty hospital we go. It was actually completely empty. I was screened at the door. It was the fastest visit I have ever had – so around here we are actually doing pretty good compared to most people.
When checking the news, it says 4 people remain hospitalized and 10 have recovered. There were some tents set up to the side of our hospital and from what I understood from people later is that is where they had the Covid-19 patients at. The problem was that I only had ibuprofen at my house and I read some crap that it could cause complications if you were to get the virus – so just to be safe I didn’t want to take it but after my head ache was throbbing and I decided I was more likely to be having side effects to the tetanus shot than anything else, I took the medicine, talked to the woman I love and cried sweetly to her about how much extra attention I needed – and thankfully the medicine kicked in and started working because I am the worst when it comes to feeling bad. I used to get sick a lot but now that I have changed jobs, I really haven’t been sick at all. I had been working in the same building for 15 years before – there is no telling what was going on in that old moldy thing.
On to the song, an internet friend of mine, Bree, of which I met around 2004, introduced me to Doria Roberts. The song tonight comes from her album, Restoration and is the only one I have actually listened to but to my completionist partner, she will be happy to know that I listed to it from start to finish many times. And note to future self; I meant future partner – just slips sometimes. That woman I love. whatever it is that I should say.
Before the song starts, I want to say that she was more like 1000 miles away – but I survived somehow and she came back and my life is so much fuller with her in it. She is currently six blocks away in the least creepy way of saying that, which is less than half of a mile according to the internet. I just want to run to her. I haven’t seen her in so long – but I remind myself – I am lucky to have her in my life and then I continue being grateful, but today I was feeling so sick, scared and alone, it was pretty bad. She found a way to comfort me. I have never believed in metaphysics more in my life.
Basically, I hope she is my twin flame. I’m not even scared.
Doria Roberts – Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought (1999)
Today, I am going to complain about something that doesn’t even matter but has me in a rage all the same. Madd has spent the last 3.5 years manipulating me and finding ways to control me and sadly – it usually revolved around her children. The hardest part about the relationship – wasn’t even the abuse – it was trying to act like I cared and I was interested when the world around me (including her) knew my heart was elsewhere – just waiting.
Well in 2017 sometime, she met some mechanic that came to work on our cars. Her name was Sarah and she owned a mobile mechanic shop. My pride was not feeling it when Madd stayed up all night with her working on the car – because “She needed help.” I doubt we got a discount for this help but either way that is when that started. Emotionally – I didn’t give a shit – I wished she would leave so I could go back to waiting peacefully. I learned quickly that there is no waiting when there are 2 small children involved.
Eventually she started threatening me – when i didn’t want to have sex that she was going to go have sex with Sarah and eventually she did. Her mental health issues exacerbated mine and we fought all of the time. She would try to control me, I would try to resist – she didn’t like that. As I learned more about the men she had dated in the past, I realized this was a pattern and she was not happy that I would say no from time to time.
Well the point of that is that we would break up all of the time – never get back together but break up constantly. Basically, she would tell me if we were together or not it seemed, because I found out in January – after she started sleeping with Sarah or I believe they prefer to call it fucking for some reason – but after I got pissed that she was ‘fucking’ Sarah she informed me that we broke up sometime in November. I decided to take it and run, though my pride and ego were a bit bruised.
I will spare the details of New Year’s Eve 2019 when she ditched me to go pick up Sarah and have a mental break down / fling for a week or two. I ended up having to go to the doctor to get my Xanax refilled. She made it very public so all of my friends and reports knew at work when we returned. Then a week later, I was informed that I was getting laid off – so suddenly I didn’t give a fuck about Sarah or Madd or anything else but what the hell I was going to do.
It took me 5 weeks to land a job – well I was hired on that 5th week – the very day that my love swooped down to save me. Well, she probably doesn’t know how powerful she was but she has a way of giving me strength when I need it most. That was February 20th. It was a long 2 months. My brother started breaking down. I think that he felt he had to leave. He has been living with me for free for years but I have had a decent job where I barely notice the impacted. I would live here alone anyway – there is no way I would have a roommate. There are less than 5 people that I am willing to live with and he is damn lucky that he is one of them because it is not because he is a good house mate.
But anyway – somehow she knew that I needed someone right then. I was losing everything – or so it felt like. I have my theories. It starts with wondering if her friend that happened to be on my brother’s facebook before any of us ever met – contacted her because he was having his own set of breakdowns, which were much worse and much more dangerous than mine. I just slept all day, he was done. I had to field so many texts from concerned friends – including my aunt and my 87 year old grandma is on his facebook. For a while, it was my full time job just watching him and telling people he was… okay.
This post was supposed to be about what happened to me yesterday and why I am incredibly let down yet again by someone that I never really trusted but took it upon myself to protect her 4 year old daughter – because I feel like if I don’t no one else will. So its relevant to say that January of 2018 we got in a fight, on the 18th. Do to her choice in fighting moves – she now has a pending case for unlawful restraint. I really didn’t mean to cause that charge by what I said – but they asked what happened and I told them.
She is significantly bigger than me – possibly twice my size and I feel like that probably played into it. The ‘Good Ol Boy’ police officers that showed up in Kyle, TX didn’t know what to do with a lesbian fight. I’ve tried to get it dropped. She still owes money to her lawyer, so the case is still open but that caused her not to be able to rent. She put in her notice here, because she lived in a small apartment behind me that she hated. It was $750 a month and her grandma paid for her rent and all her bills. I think she sent her about $1400 a month, She insisted on moving to Austin near Sarah. She needed a 3 bedroom place and ended up finding one for $1500. Her grandma pays the rent but nothing else.
She couldn’t qualify for that with her charge or no job – so she conned me into renting it for her in my name. I started to realize that I could get in a lot of trouble for it and decided to refuse when it started coming time. This bitch actually said, “If you don’t rent this house for me and my kids, we will end up homeless and they will probably get taken away. If you want my kids to end up like your brother, growing up in foster care and dying with a needle in their arm then don’t rent the house but you will have to deal with that for the rest of your life.” Now I am sure that is not an exact quote because I did not record it but I can say it meant just that. She then walked out of my house, because she used to just walk in whenever she wanted to. I was left staring in silence when couch boy, who was just in the living room, came in to apologize for her. He just looked at me and said, “I don’t even know what to say to that. You know she is mentally unstable but here is no excuse to ever say that.” She says “Well I apologized for it later.” I’m sorry, I have PTSD because of my mother and things she has said and done in front of me, you can’t erase that – but my dumb fucking self rented the damn house for her. This was in August.
Fast forward to yesterday. so they haven’t even been there 3 months yet and she called me last night to ask me to take her to go dry her clothes because her dryer is broken again. To start with – I told her that if she moved to Austin, she would need to ask all her Austin friends for help and not me because I don’t want to be driving to Austin all the damn time – but here we are. I know that she doesn’t really have other friends. She may think she does but in the end no one will help her but Jenn and I. Jenn is her best friend from who knows when and basically her only friend. Well I agree like a dumb ass to go help her once again. I drive my ass up there and because of traffic it took an hour. I get there and the garage that was nicely emptied on Thursday when I had to go pick her up from the hospital because she totaled her car while it was on my insurance – but that’s another story that I don’t even know what will happen now. Point of that is, the garage is filled with someone else’s shit and it’s not hard to tell that it’s a bunch of mechanic shit with lesbian stickers all over it. I ask the 9 year old whose stuff it is and he tells me “No one’s” so that’s cool. Now I am stuck taking Madd to whatever princess laundry mat she wants to go to (She took me 12 minutes away – way too far in my opinion) and you bet I complained about her moving Sarah into the house that is in my name. She seems to think I am immature and out of line but fuck a whole lot of that. I knew that she was going to take advantage of this somehow, but I really did not expect her to move Sarah into a house that is in my name. I am still scanning my brain for solutions. I am more than pissed and she doesn’t give a fuck.
Last night, I had a dream that I decided to keep to myself. I can’t imagine that it symbolizes anything more than my immaturity.
I was sitting in homeroom in high school. The classroom was so detailed that I could see the teacher’s (Mr. Algebra II / fencer / computer nerd) Pascal Programming books on the shelf. He was demanding our attention in a way that it was clearly homeroom and not Algebra II, which I often slept through, but he handled it pretty well. He would scare me with grades like 67 but never actually failed me to the point of where it would affect me.
In this dream, I was sitting about 3 rows from the teacher’s desk, which was on the far end of the room. Mr. M had just walked back to his desk and started to sit down when he started to try to tell me something.
There was a rowdy group of boys playing paper football or something, causing a ruckus to the point where I couldn’t hear him. Being the passive man that he was, he just calmly closed his eyes and seemed to hold his breathe until they realize they were being disruptive. As Mr. M did this, my eyes shifted from the teacher down to the left to be met with someone looking at me like that had something to say but we just stared at each other for a second or two until Mr. M asked me the question about something I had no interest in – but I took the book that he was suggesting, politely and started to read. I feel like it was long after the dream was over and I had already woken up that I realized who the disruptive boy was.
I wasn’t particularly phased by the boys playing paper football loudly in between us. I probably envied them and wished that I was playing paper football loudly, instead of my Algebra II teacher attempting to get me into computer coding that has since been rendered obsolete. I am pretty sure he was Budist, but I didn’t know more than I had learned in po-dunk geography class.
That teacher later got fired for jokingly pulling a pocket knife on a student. My brother was actually present for that situation – I don’t think I could make this redneck stuff up – but anyway, as I was driving to work, I suppose my mind was aimlessly wandering, because I think that’s when I realized – it was C. He was in my homeroom class too.
Why?
This is all I could pull out of it and I wasn’t thrilled with the results – maybe I should just not.
School
To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities.
Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a “spiritual learning” experience.
Every time I go to my psychiatrist, which is usually like every 3 months – he asks, how are you sleeping – how are your dreams? I usually don’t have a lot to say – but I know he thinks I have trust issues with him so I suppose I say plenty through things other than my words. He always extenuates that it is important to pay attention to our dreams and a specific theme of dreams came up last night – my least favorite – running* from gangsters**.
The basics in the dream were that I was at a party that turned out to be something that I didn’t expect it to be. Through a series of events I was being chased by gangster drug dealers at this party that wanted to kill me. The car was parked really far away so I had to make a run for it through the woods at some point. In the end, I can’t say that I ever made it to the car but I kept stopping and looking back because I had left the baby with a close friend there – because I know that she was safer there than with me but I had a hard time walking away.
As I typed out the dream a few times, here and to her mother when trying to calm down this morning, I realized how symbolic the dream was. I had to leave the 4 year old behind with someone I know would take care of her in order to save myself, but I still couldn’t bring myself to trust someone else and kept lingering.
*To dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.
**To dream that you are confronted or threatened by a gang signifies circumstances or situations in your waking life that are becoming overwhelming. You feel that you are being “ganged” up on.
To dream that you are at a party suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is a bad one, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.
