Blues is a music genre and musical form which was originated in the Deep South of the United States around the 1870s by African Americans from roots in African musical traditions, African-American work songs, and spirituals.
It’s not every day that I hear a new Melissa Etheridge song – she’s like my fuckin’ idol.
I feel like there was just an Eminem reference in regards to Melissa Etheridge and there’s just something wrong about that.
The Internet thought I needed a few new songs in my playlist.
But if you break down I’ll drive out and find you If you forget my love I’ll try to remind you And stay by you when it don’t come easy
The most interesting thing about this post is that I have never heard these songs before, listened to them back to back and didn’t plan them at all. YouTube Conspiracy.
Correct me when I’m wrong. Point me in the right direction, I will listen.
It didn’t stop there. I paused this video 55 seconds because I don’t appreciate the way that these songs are talking to me. I wish that I were more confident in… something. I am not used to being so confused about my feelings that I am quite sure about. I guess, I don’t know what’s welcomed, expected or okay. More-so I am concerned that I should be concerned – its all a perplexing feeling I have had for a while.
I have been stuck in my head thinking about what happened at the Pizza place. I haven’t heard from her sense. I’m afraid that either C noticed and is mad or she was hurt by seeing me with Maddie, which I think would be unlikely – because I am sure that she knows how I feel – but I can’t help but wonder or worry that I screwed up some how.
At least she reads my messages – I am just more concerned that something is wrong but I ignore it because I don’t want her to think I am weird.
I woke up feeling better than I have in years. I don’t know how to explain it any better than light and happy. That is all I am going to say about that. I am a peculiar little human.
Tonight was Lez Prom. Months ago, I was under the impression I was going, then she was taking the new girl, then she said I was the back up if the new girl didn’t want to go – and then she ended up taking her best friend because she thinks I want to get back with her. She doesn’t understand when I feel disrespected and used, she thinks that I am jealous, but really, I just don’t want to watch her kids so that she can go out with someone.
She ended up getting drunk and asking her best friend to take her to the new girl’s house. The best friend texted me asking if I was up because she was crying because Maddison was being a bitch to her and didn’t give a fuck about her feelings. It’s pretty bad when you exes best friend confides in you because she’s so mean.
It was nice to not care in the least. I expected to feel a little left out, but instead, I went to a friends house and helped them pack. I couldn’t keep M off my mind or the few words that meant more than I could imagine. I woke up feeling stronger than ever. I’ve resisted saying much to her, because I am sure that her situation is quite sensitive and I want to be aware so that I don’t cause any trouble.
My friends used to joke that the only way to get me to clean my house was to say that M was coming over. It was a running joke, apparently I don’t give a fuck quite often.. and then there she was. Everything else disappeared. Either way, I feel like cleaning my room and have been doing a great job.. I guess I just don’t want her to ever see what a mess I can be – but I am sure that she is quite aware.
Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time
‘Cause I like you
Tomorrow, I take Dutchess in to get surgery on her fatty lumps and skin tags because they could be cancerous. This is all too much for me. Some dirty chick is nextdoor with the kids I love or out getting drunk with someone I thought cared about me a little more than she does. I want to go for a run but I am sad to say that I would rather not go out alone without anyone to tell where I am.. and well, right now, that’s where I am. I have no one to tell where I will be for the first time in a few years. I have been yearning for it and even begging for it and here I am – finding myself lonely. I told myself that I would do all these productive things if I had time to myself again, but instead I obsess over what she is doing and with whom.
This morning, I woke up to facebook sharing one of my ‘memories’ with me. It was a post about a text I received from her, 5 years ago. It was a text of frustration with.. my debilitating personality disorders. I don’t even know if that’s a PC term but I have determined that I am atypical or whatever that term is, this is where i take a moment to look it up.
So what I was trying to say, is that I have decided that I am not neurotypical… I did see a psychiatrist recently, and he referred me to try EMDR therapy. I haven’t even looked it up because he said it wasn’t worth looking up because there is a lot of BS online. A lot of doctors have been telling me this a lot lately. They say… don’t even look up the side effects.. it will make you paranoid – so I don’t, but that just doesn’t seem right.
Anyway, as I explained to him that I feel like I have an overwhelming fear of death, not for myself but for everyone that is close to me. He explained to me that what I was describing was a fear of loss, not death. I can relate to that. He thinks I have some signs of PTSD and when I did research the EMDR very briefly, I believe it can be related to recovering from trauma. I really don’t think that I have any trauma to recover from, but it seems like there is n army out there that disagrees with that.
Between my rough childhood due to my mother, bullying in school because I was gay and then the constant verbal abuse from customers.. the doctor really wanted me to consider looking into another career because, he pointed out that… it doesn’t help matters any. We talked about money and how important it is for me to feel financially secure and how I’d rather risk my sanity, to ensure that I have money.. anyway, that’s how that went and I picked a therapist based on being downtown and I am quite sure that he is gay, but I guess I am only assuming based on his photo and voice over his voicemail.
When I left work to go on my lunch break, Naked Eyes were filling my head.
Then Adele took that nostalgia and trying to empower me.. but I don’t really think that worked.
There’s always so much that I want to say and an underlying fear that I am trying to respect your wishes, but what if you need me to step up instead…
Five years ago, I was in the dark. I didn’t understand what was going on. I blamed myself.
It was around that time that you bought your bike at Walmart. My sister has never had such a heartfelt conversation with me.
My niece say you and C at the store and wanted to run up to your in excitement. My sister saw yall and knew that yall were more than just friends and stopped her. She sat me down and tried to explain it to me. I told her that she was wrong and confused..
We were in the small bedroom when I mentioned that my neice saw you at Walmart, because I was always so excited and told you everything, you froze for less than a second.. that happened a lot, but I never realized why… until much later.
The same thing happened when we were walking down the road a few times on different topics…
Tonight, I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the lady.. and by in front of — I mean that I sent her a text message that I questioned later – or 10. Drinking is bad m ‘kay. When you are sitting in a bar and something makes your think.. I should text the lady that I can’t get off my mind.. this text about an email that I sent her almost 2 years ago.. Don’t. You might spend the next forever and a half wondering what she is thinking.
Maybe I’m all messed up Maybe I’m all messed up Maybe I’m all messed up in you
I Grow Fonder Everyday Day, Loose Myself in Time Just Thinking of Your Name
