Blues is a music genre and musical form which was originated in the Deep South of the United States around the 1870s by African Americans from roots in African musical traditions, African-American work songs, and spirituals.
When she says that she wants to be next to me, I feel like I could wait forever – but I hope I don’t really have to.
In case it is the last time
That we might be exactly like we were
Before we realized
We were sad of getting old
It made us restless
Oh, I’m so mad I’m getting old
It makes me reckless
It was just like a movie
It was just like a song
When we were young
My birthday is on the horizon and I am afraid that it puts me in my late 30s.
The song that I am adding tonight is more of a compilation of the past, not complete relevant currently but I love it so it is the night’s theme.
I would imagine I mentioned in my last entry that I got a huge splinter, passed out a few times and was taken to the hospital by a friend – in the middle of the Covid-19 shit, which I can’t even stand the word so I only type it for clarity. I had to get a tetanus shot and the spot still hurts on my arm. I guess it had been about a day and a half now but today I start getting a terrible head ache as the rain came in. I reminded myself it could be allergies, it could be pressure change – but of course IT COULD BE COVID-19!
This shit is crap because everyone is all over the place about it. My county is up to 42 cases which statistically sounds really small mathematically, but I remind myself that those are confirmed cases and everything just seemed to always be changing so I can’t even believe anything. I am just staying home and going to the grocery story every few weeks when my dad can take me. A few people have been coming over to my house, but I guess I will see how that ends up for me. Going to the hospital is the move that I would not have made if I could help if and its more than embarrassing that I went for a splinter, but I was freaking the fuck out.
The more I thought about it – this would have never happened when I was poor before I had health insurance. If my brother was home, when I passed out, he would have removed it – saving me the hospital visit, the $150 co pay and possibly any infectious diseases I could have contracted from walking through those doors. But he was not – and the person around me was not someone I need performing medical tasks on my sleeping body, so to the dirty hospital we go. It was actually completely empty. I was screened at the door. It was the fastest visit I have ever had – so around here we are actually doing pretty good compared to most people.
When checking the news, it says 4 people remain hospitalized and 10 have recovered. There were some tents set up to the side of our hospital and from what I understood from people later is that is where they had the Covid-19 patients at. The problem was that I only had ibuprofen at my house and I read some crap that it could cause complications if you were to get the virus – so just to be safe I didn’t want to take it but after my head ache was throbbing and I decided I was more likely to be having side effects to the tetanus shot than anything else, I took the medicine, talked to the woman I love and cried sweetly to her about how much extra attention I needed – and thankfully the medicine kicked in and started working because I am the worst when it comes to feeling bad. I used to get sick a lot but now that I have changed jobs, I really haven’t been sick at all. I had been working in the same building for 15 years before – there is no telling what was going on in that old moldy thing.
On to the song, an internet friend of mine, Bree, of which I met around 2004, introduced me to Doria Roberts. The song tonight comes from her album, Restoration and is the only one I have actually listened to but to my completionist partner, she will be happy to know that I listed to it from start to finish many times. And note to future self; I meant future partner – just slips sometimes. That woman I love. whatever it is that I should say.
Before the song starts, I want to say that she was more like 1000 miles away – but I survived somehow and she came back and my life is so much fuller with her in it. She is currently six blocks away in the least creepy way of saying that, which is less than half of a mile according to the internet. I just want to run to her. I haven’t seen her in so long – but I remind myself – I am lucky to have her in my life and then I continue being grateful, but today I was feeling so sick, scared and alone, it was pretty bad. She found a way to comfort me. I have never believed in metaphysics more in my life.
Basically, I hope she is my twin flame. I’m not even scared.
Doria Roberts – Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought (1999)
Today, I am going to complain about something that doesn’t even matter but has me in a rage all the same. Madd has spent the last 3.5 years manipulating me and finding ways to control me and sadly – it usually revolved around her children. The hardest part about the relationship – wasn’t even the abuse – it was trying to act like I cared and I was interested when the world around me (including her) knew my heart was elsewhere – just waiting.
Well in 2017 sometime, she met some mechanic that came to work on our cars. Her name was Sarah and she owned a mobile mechanic shop. My pride was not feeling it when Madd stayed up all night with her working on the car – because “She needed help.” I doubt we got a discount for this help but either way that is when that started. Emotionally – I didn’t give a shit – I wished she would leave so I could go back to waiting peacefully. I learned quickly that there is no waiting when there are 2 small children involved.
Eventually she started threatening me – when i didn’t want to have sex that she was going to go have sex with Sarah and eventually she did. Her mental health issues exacerbated mine and we fought all of the time. She would try to control me, I would try to resist – she didn’t like that. As I learned more about the men she had dated in the past, I realized this was a pattern and she was not happy that I would say no from time to time.
Well the point of that is that we would break up all of the time – never get back together but break up constantly. Basically, she would tell me if we were together or not it seemed, because I found out in January – after she started sleeping with Sarah or I believe they prefer to call it fucking for some reason – but after I got pissed that she was ‘fucking’ Sarah she informed me that we broke up sometime in November. I decided to take it and run, though my pride and ego were a bit bruised.
I will spare the details of New Year’s Eve 2019 when she ditched me to go pick up Sarah and have a mental break down / fling for a week or two. I ended up having to go to the doctor to get my Xanax refilled. She made it very public so all of my friends and reports knew at work when we returned. Then a week later, I was informed that I was getting laid off – so suddenly I didn’t give a fuck about Sarah or Madd or anything else but what the hell I was going to do.
It took me 5 weeks to land a job – well I was hired on that 5th week – the very day that my love swooped down to save me. Well, she probably doesn’t know how powerful she was but she has a way of giving me strength when I need it most. That was February 20th. It was a long 2 months. My brother started breaking down. I think that he felt he had to leave. He has been living with me for free for years but I have had a decent job where I barely notice the impacted. I would live here alone anyway – there is no way I would have a roommate. There are less than 5 people that I am willing to live with and he is damn lucky that he is one of them because it is not because he is a good house mate.
But anyway – somehow she knew that I needed someone right then. I was losing everything – or so it felt like. I have my theories. It starts with wondering if her friend that happened to be on my brother’s facebook before any of us ever met – contacted her because he was having his own set of breakdowns, which were much worse and much more dangerous than mine. I just slept all day, he was done. I had to field so many texts from concerned friends – including my aunt and my 87 year old grandma is on his facebook. For a while, it was my full time job just watching him and telling people he was… okay.
This post was supposed to be about what happened to me yesterday and why I am incredibly let down yet again by someone that I never really trusted but took it upon myself to protect her 4 year old daughter – because I feel like if I don’t no one else will. So its relevant to say that January of 2018 we got in a fight, on the 18th. Do to her choice in fighting moves – she now has a pending case for unlawful restraint. I really didn’t mean to cause that charge by what I said – but they asked what happened and I told them.
She is significantly bigger than me – possibly twice my size and I feel like that probably played into it. The ‘Good Ol Boy’ police officers that showed up in Kyle, TX didn’t know what to do with a lesbian fight. I’ve tried to get it dropped. She still owes money to her lawyer, so the case is still open but that caused her not to be able to rent. She put in her notice here, because she lived in a small apartment behind me that she hated. It was $750 a month and her grandma paid for her rent and all her bills. I think she sent her about $1400 a month, She insisted on moving to Austin near Sarah. She needed a 3 bedroom place and ended up finding one for $1500. Her grandma pays the rent but nothing else.
She couldn’t qualify for that with her charge or no job – so she conned me into renting it for her in my name. I started to realize that I could get in a lot of trouble for it and decided to refuse when it started coming time. This bitch actually said, “If you don’t rent this house for me and my kids, we will end up homeless and they will probably get taken away. If you want my kids to end up like your brother, growing up in foster care and dying with a needle in their arm then don’t rent the house but you will have to deal with that for the rest of your life.” Now I am sure that is not an exact quote because I did not record it but I can say it meant just that. She then walked out of my house, because she used to just walk in whenever she wanted to. I was left staring in silence when couch boy, who was just in the living room, came in to apologize for her. He just looked at me and said, “I don’t even know what to say to that. You know she is mentally unstable but here is no excuse to ever say that.” She says “Well I apologized for it later.” I’m sorry, I have PTSD because of my mother and things she has said and done in front of me, you can’t erase that – but my dumb fucking self rented the damn house for her. This was in August.
Fast forward to yesterday. so they haven’t even been there 3 months yet and she called me last night to ask me to take her to go dry her clothes because her dryer is broken again. To start with – I told her that if she moved to Austin, she would need to ask all her Austin friends for help and not me because I don’t want to be driving to Austin all the damn time – but here we are. I know that she doesn’t really have other friends. She may think she does but in the end no one will help her but Jenn and I. Jenn is her best friend from who knows when and basically her only friend. Well I agree like a dumb ass to go help her once again. I drive my ass up there and because of traffic it took an hour. I get there and the garage that was nicely emptied on Thursday when I had to go pick her up from the hospital because she totaled her car while it was on my insurance – but that’s another story that I don’t even know what will happen now. Point of that is, the garage is filled with someone else’s shit and it’s not hard to tell that it’s a bunch of mechanic shit with lesbian stickers all over it. I ask the 9 year old whose stuff it is and he tells me “No one’s” so that’s cool. Now I am stuck taking Madd to whatever princess laundry mat she wants to go to (She took me 12 minutes away – way too far in my opinion) and you bet I complained about her moving Sarah into the house that is in my name. She seems to think I am immature and out of line but fuck a whole lot of that. I knew that she was going to take advantage of this somehow, but I really did not expect her to move Sarah into a house that is in my name. I am still scanning my brain for solutions. I am more than pissed and she doesn’t give a fuck.
Last night, I had a dream that I decided to keep to myself. I can’t imagine that it symbolizes anything more than my immaturity.
I was sitting in homeroom in high school. The classroom was so detailed that I could see the teacher’s (Mr. Algebra II / fencer / computer nerd) Pascal Programming books on the shelf. He was demanding our attention in a way that it was clearly homeroom and not Algebra II, which I often slept through, but he handled it pretty well. He would scare me with grades like 67 but never actually failed me to the point of where it would affect me.
In this dream, I was sitting about 3 rows from the teacher’s desk, which was on the far end of the room. Mr. M had just walked back to his desk and started to sit down when he started to try to tell me something.
There was a rowdy group of boys playing paper football or something, causing a ruckus to the point where I couldn’t hear him. Being the passive man that he was, he just calmly closed his eyes and seemed to hold his breathe until they realize they were being disruptive. As Mr. M did this, my eyes shifted from the teacher down to the left to be met with someone looking at me like that had something to say but we just stared at each other for a second or two until Mr. M asked me the question about something I had no interest in – but I took the book that he was suggesting, politely and started to read. I feel like it was long after the dream was over and I had already woken up that I realized who the disruptive boy was.
I wasn’t particularly phased by the boys playing paper football loudly in between us. I probably envied them and wished that I was playing paper football loudly, instead of my Algebra II teacher attempting to get me into computer coding that has since been rendered obsolete. I am pretty sure he was Budist, but I didn’t know more than I had learned in po-dunk geography class.
That teacher later got fired for jokingly pulling a pocket knife on a student. My brother was actually present for that situation – I don’t think I could make this redneck stuff up – but anyway, as I was driving to work, I suppose my mind was aimlessly wandering, because I think that’s when I realized – it was C. He was in my homeroom class too.
Why?
This is all I could pull out of it and I wasn’t thrilled with the results – maybe I should just not.
To dream that you are in school signifies feelings of inadequacy and childhood insecurities that have never been resolved. It may relate to anxieties about your performance and abilities.
http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/s.htm
Alternatively, a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a “spiritual learning” experience.
On the playlist for the show, these two songs are listed together. I could only imagine it is because of the commentary in between that speaks right to me.
Today, I was listening to my Melissa Etheridge concert from 3 months ago – because I am a strange bird, I noticed – I think she is talking to me – or about me – are all lesbians really that similar?
It was about that moment when I realized, what if she had been able to come with me? How would I feel listening to all of these songs with her life. She would probably hold my hand like she did during that sex scene in that movie and then everything would be better.
When I saw this at the first show, you can hear me laugh in amusement. I really shouldn’t be amused with this – but at least I am not alone, right?
Every time I go to my psychiatrist, which is usually like every 3 months – he asks, how are you sleeping – how are your dreams? I usually don’t have a lot to say – but I know he thinks I have trust issues with him so I suppose I say plenty through things other than my words. He always extenuates that it is important to pay attention to our dreams and a specific theme of dreams came up last night – my least favorite – running* from gangsters**.
The basics in the dream were that I was at a party that turned out to be something that I didn’t expect it to be. Through a series of events I was being chased by gangster drug dealers at this party that wanted to kill me. The car was parked really far away so I had to make a run for it through the woods at some point. In the end, I can’t say that I ever made it to the car but I kept stopping and looking back because I had left the baby with a close friend there – because I know that she was safer there than with me but I had a hard time walking away.
As I typed out the dream a few times, here and to her mother when trying to calm down this morning, I realized how symbolic the dream was. I had to leave the 4 year old behind with someone I know would take care of her in order to save myself, but I still couldn’t bring myself to trust someone else and kept lingering.
*To dream that you are being chased signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is a metaphor for some form of insecurity. Alternatively, you may be running away from a primal urge or fear.
**To dream that you are confronted or threatened by a gang signifies circumstances or situations in your waking life that are becoming overwhelming. You feel that you are being “ganged” up on.
To dream that you are at a party suggests that you need to get out more and enjoy yourself. If the party is a bad one, then it indicates that you are unsure of your social skills.
Yesterday, I read this information online about Hyperthymesia and then I went to take a shower. In the shower, I didn’t even realize that I was thinking about it, but it occurred to me that when she said the thing about painting herself into a corner, it may have been about this one thing I read that left me perplexed and second guessing myself worse than ever – but somehow I found some way to get over it emotionally because I don’t think about it much at all. In the information about people that exhibit signs of hyperthymesia are often people that spend a lot of time replaying events in their head. The reason that I can repeat things like they happened yesterday is because, for me, they did happen yesterday and the day before that and the day before that – all so quickly in my mind I don’t even realize that I am thinking about it but I can practically tell you what that post said and I know that it was in December 2013 – probably on the 17th but that could be a guess. I always feel weird on that day so if its not that day, i seem to think it is. It had been months since we had talked. I’d say in October before she went to San Francisco, but I am getting old, I could be wrong. I know it had been months and I can remember the way my heart lit up when I saw her pictures. I replied instantly and do not have the courage to cross-reference my records in Gmail to see what I even said, but it was bad. I am sure it was along the lines of – To the extent that I understand love, I believe that I am completely in love with you – I am sure there is some logical excuse why you diapered and if there is not tell me anything because I will believe whatever you say. Clearly, I am way smoother than that but I am quite sure she saw right through me before I saw anything coming.
Then I read the post. The title is carved in the side of my forgotten memories. At this time I can only remember playmate, but I would have to shamefully say it is only because I was so jealous after I realized or tried to realize what was going on.
We never talked about it. I never wanted to make her feel uncomfortable and I just decided to leave it alone but somehow my subconsciousness wondered over that way as I thought I was relaxed and not thinking in the shower.
I write too many words so I just think I am going to stop now, but this is the song that was that last thing that played as I drove up to work this morning. I have been listening to some 99.9 and it must be some what local but has good music.
Yesterday was one hell of a day. I didn’t even have the energy to write about it. My new primary doctor told me that the medicine that I take that is called buspiron is like xanex but without all the negative side effects. At the time she just moved my mid day dose to at night because I was having issues sleeping after losing my job. I went to her on Jan 9. I scheduled it the day after Maddison’s birthday when she brought that girl over to her house for her birthday. I was scared. This dumb as chick loves to threaten me subtly. She posts pictures on her instagram with a gun on her.
So instead of staying home freaking out, I went to talk to the doctor to get more Xanax. At that time, she said that before I take a Xanax try taking the Buspiron which can be taken up to 3 times a day but I am prescribed 2 already so that’s not much room for freak out. The only reason I am saying any of this is that I have been taking 3 for 2 days, but I forgot to take my medicine at all on Tuesday and Wednesday. I should have noticed on Wednesday when my spacer, that I put in my ear because I am a tool, came out and got stuck in my ear canal while I was at work. It came out and I didn’t die but it was a rough hour.
Somehow I noticed that I hadn’t been taking my medicine, which is usually when I start crying over little things but fast forward to Friday. I started taking calls at work which was fine. It was the “lead” that pissed me the fuck off. That’s the person in charge of the 8 of us. She seems to think I am stupid as fuck but my old counter part at work, Kelli, pointed out that she may be intimidated by me. That lead me to do a little research. I found her on LinkedIn and laughed at her work experience. I found out she graduated high school the same year I was born and has been working in I.T. help desks since 2008. which is the last year that I worked I.T.
I was a few calls in, with absolutely no training and she didn’t like the order I was doing things in. Her approach was awful, offended me and made me realize – she really doesn’t know how to do her job. She knows how to do my job just fine – but her skills transfer skills are lacking. I am a bit critical because this is something that I have been doing repeatedly in my former role since 2014, which is longer than she is even been at this job at all – so once again, I am going to need to put my pride and ego aside and remember my place.
I know that my pride and ego get me in a lot of trouble, which is weird for someone that struggles with self esteem so much. It’s easy to believe my case is different. I spend hours a week reminding myself to calm the fuck down and remember my place. Every time my mind drifts off to somewhere, even slightly romantic or intimate – which i do not mean sexual – and I know that it is completely in appropriate, I have to kick my own ass. It isn’t fun. Can you believe that YouTube would move to to Goo Goo Dolls from 3 Doors Down like that?
Today, I picked my music by playing the song that I woke to my brother playing on the guitar and singing, which was “If I could be like that.” The titled seemed like my theme song for the week. I feel like I am so much more, but I keep getting kicked to the bottom and told to start over again. In 2008, I lost my first long term job and first serious relationship that I deeply cared about.. we all know what that means. That’s when I stopped saying those words. It took forever to convince my self that I could do it again. I started at CLINK in 2010 and it was about 2012 before I enjoyed my job and felt comfortable again. It was mid 2013 before I met someone that I truly cared about.
There was a day that I accidentally told her that – That I finally felt like I had my life back. She must have known what was going to happen next, because she didn’t respond as I expected. She paused. We were walking down… her current street towards my current house – nearly 6 years ago. She looked at me, with this very sad look her eyes. I don’t think she said anything next – but I guess she knew what she had to do.. It seems like so long ago, but I know how my heart felt in that very moment.
I must be incredibly distracted today. On March 2nd, I let my ex borrow $900 because she is a con artist and knows just how to manipulate me. She was going to pay me back on the 7th and then the 8th and then yesterday when I got home from work, the minute I got home she asked if I could watch her kid. I said yes, bring the kid and my money over. Somehow that turned into her not talking to me and saying she was going to pay me back at all. Currently, she owes me about $1500 between that and her phone bill and car insurance. She has already got her own car insurance but she has not paid a dime for her phone bill which is more than $100 a month. She took her 4 year old and left for the night. The baby was sad and wanting to hug me. I wish I would have just watched the kid – she says I went psycho but I don’t even know when. Most people would get pissed if someone was refusing to pay them $900.
At the moment, 2 other friends both owe me $300 each… That is over $2000 that people owe me. I am about to send my brother after those motherfuckers. Anyway, people at work think that I am stupid. People that I help think I am stupid.. and I am sad and mad. The end.
Today, YouTube picked the music – But I guess I listen to these songs a lot.
Yesterday was so bad.. her best friend talked to me all night until I fell asleep – giving me little pieces of information to try to help me stay one step ahead.
It made me sad to know that I grew up to be that person. I grew up watching my dad be the woman on the floor.. My mom met her, she stayed at her house for a few weeks and I tried to figure out what I was going to do with her. My mom said – if you stay with this woman, you will live a miserable life. I should have realized, I was hearing this from an expert.
