Blue Rock

I just want someone to hold me

• by She Says • In Blue Rock, Music •   0

Last month, I found myself helping a friend move – looking for a distraction, but somehow it brought me right back to the middle of it all. That may have been due to my series of choices, but I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was full of fear and pain that has since dissipated.

My friend had borrowed a truck for me to use so that I could continue helping her move after my car had broken down the night before. We had already had a plan that I was going to take a load of trash to my old house. When I made this plan, I didn’t have enough forward thinking to realize what I could have avoided.

Maybe my car broke down for a reason, so that I couldn’t find myself pacing my favorite street – by now with tears in my eyes and the songs growing more and more grey. I had been stopping there on my way home from work – I guess that was the last time I went to work too.

On my way to drop off the trash, I stopped at my initials – picked up the three rocks that I had left there and continued on my way. I actually do not know it I left any there that night because it was the last time I visited that spot. I went to my old house, turned my head lights out, climbed into the truck like it was 2005 again (I have done plenty of slightly terrible shit) and just started filling up the dumpster with trash that wasn’t there’s. My friend showed up and emptied her car too and we planned to meet back at my house. I must have glanced up the street when I had turned left at the end of my favorite street because I knew that there was a Uhaul in her driveway and I was trying to hold it all together. I knew it was coming but it put me in a panic just to see it. By this time of night, it was late. When I left the trash dumpster, I knew the path I was going to take and decided that I needed to find 2 snowflake obsidian crystals in my pocket and gently throw them at the uhaul in hopes that she would find them the next day. I may never know if she did – she may tell me about it someday. BUT I didn’t stop there – I knew that I had to stop one more place. It must have been around 2 AM because the college kids were getting rides back to their cars. I shamelessly parked in front of her work and walked over to where I expected her to park- all of this could make me creepy as hell but as I continued to check, I was told that it’s romantic if they like it – I am still not sure I can tell the difference but I was attempting to show my ut most dedication in the most delicate ways and though visiting people’s work is usually not sanctioned, I think that we have a unique relationship and I believe it to me okay. After I placed the rocks on the curb thing, I still could not relax so I walked over to the back door just to look at it.

As I stood there, I put my hand in my pocket to see what other rocks I could hid and to my surprise, I found a necklace that I had picked up off the ground earlier that day. It was a rock necklace that I had originally obtained on ebay but felt that it was nearly perfect – it was most likely purchased for her to began with but I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself so I keep most of what I want to get her. Especially since I rarely get to see her – but I tucked the necklace back behind some conduit and then set a purple rock in front of it and the scurried off – hoping to bring a smile to her life when she discovered it.

The next day was historically a day that I struggle with due to a vivid imagination that works for and against me. I felt a bit better after I had performed my solo performance art act. She may be my only audience member but I would be awfully shy if anyone else knew what I would do to show my devotion. It may not be traditional but I think that it works well for us.

My mother, on the other hand, isn’t talking to me but I am not even sure why. My dad has suggested that she may have some sort of Alzheimer’s just based on the messages he has been getting from her. He hasn’t actually spoken to her since she went to jail back in June of 2016 and I sent her to GA on a plane. I still feel guilty at times but know that it is the only chance that we have to live a stable life.

When I was younger, I had no idea that Tracy Chapman was female. I didn’t even question it.

Maybe if I told you the right words
Ooh, at the right time you’d be mine

I’m driving myself crazy and I’m making you insane

• by admin • In Blue Rock, Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music, Soul music •   0

The song that I am adding tonight is more of a compilation of the past, not complete relevant currently but I love it so it is the night’s theme.

I would imagine I mentioned in my last entry that I got a huge splinter, passed out a few times and was taken to the hospital by a friend – in the middle of the Covid-19 shit, which I can’t even stand the word so I only type it for clarity. I had to get a tetanus shot and the spot still hurts on my arm. I guess it had been about a day and a half now but today I start getting a terrible head ache as the rain came in. I reminded myself it could be allergies, it could be pressure change – but of course IT COULD BE COVID-19!

This shit is crap because everyone is all over the place about it. My county is up to 42 cases which statistically sounds really small mathematically, but I remind myself that those are confirmed cases and everything just seemed to always be changing so I can’t even believe anything. I am just staying home and going to the grocery story every few weeks when my dad can take me. A few people have been coming over to my house, but I guess I will see how that ends up for me. Going to the hospital is the move that I would not have made if I could help if and its more than embarrassing that I went for a splinter, but I was freaking the fuck out.

The more I thought about it – this would have never happened when I was poor before I had health insurance. If my brother was home, when I passed out, he would have removed it – saving me the hospital visit, the $150 co pay and possibly any infectious diseases I could have contracted from walking through those doors. But he was not – and the person around me was not someone I need performing medical tasks on my sleeping body, so to the dirty hospital we go. It was actually completely empty. I was screened at the door. It was the fastest visit I have ever had – so around here we are actually doing pretty good compared to most people.

When checking the news, it says 4 people remain hospitalized and 10 have recovered. There were some tents set up to the side of our hospital and from what I understood from people later is that is where they had the Covid-19 patients at. The problem was that I only had ibuprofen at my house and I read some crap that it could cause complications if you were to get the virus – so just to be safe I didn’t want to take it but after my head ache was throbbing and I decided I was more likely to be having side effects to the tetanus shot than anything else, I took the medicine, talked to the woman I love and cried sweetly to her about how much extra attention I needed – and thankfully the medicine kicked in and started working because I am the worst when it comes to feeling bad. I used to get sick a lot but now that I have changed jobs, I really haven’t been sick at all. I had been working in the same building for 15 years before – there is no telling what was going on in that old moldy thing.

On to the song, an internet friend of mine, Bree, of which I met around 2004, introduced me to Doria Roberts. The song tonight comes from her album, Restoration and is the only one I have actually listened to but to my completionist partner, she will be happy to know that I listed to it from start to finish many times. And note to future self; I meant future partner – just slips sometimes. That woman I love. whatever it is that I should say.

Before the song starts, I want to say that she was more like 1000 miles away – but I survived somehow and she came back and my life is so much fuller with her in it. She is currently six blocks away in the least creepy way of saying that, which is less than half of a mile according to the internet. I just want to run to her. I haven’t seen her in so long – but I remind myself – I am lucky to have her in my life and then I continue being grateful, but today I was feeling so sick, scared and alone, it was pretty bad. She found a way to comfort me. I have never believed in metaphysics more in my life.

Basically, I hope she is my twin flame. I’m not even scared.

Doria Roberts – Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought (1999)

To hell with the consequence

• by admin • In Blue Rock, Country Rock, Folk Rock, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock, Roots Rock •   0

On the playlist for the show, these two songs are listed together. I could only imagine it is because of the commentary in between that speaks right to me.

Today, I was listening to my Melissa Etheridge concert from 3 months ago – because I am a strange bird, I noticed – I think she is talking to me – or about me – are all lesbians really that similar?

It was about that moment when I realized, what if she had been able to come with me? How would I feel listening to all of these songs with her life. She would probably hold my hand like she did during that sex scene in that movie and then everything would be better.

Gruene Hall

When I saw this at the first show, you can hear me laugh in amusement. I really shouldn’t be amused with this – but at least I am not alone, right?

That I never wanna get myself free

• by admin • In Blue Rock, Country Rock, Music, Rock, Southern Rock •   0
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These are not songs that I willingly listened to, but sometimes my rock star brother sets my play list for the day without any input from myself.  I thought that we were going to play some Jimmy Buffett but now I am listening to 38 Special coming from the living room in the tune of my brother.  He sounds better than the originals, don’t get me wrong, but I would choose something else – and then it made me thing.

For the first time, I heard every word.  These are songs that he sings daily.   Now I just wanted to be in her arms and know that – know that something.  I’m pretty sure that my heart beats a little differently when I think about it too much.