Blue-Eyed Soul

Blue-eyed soul (also known as white soul) is rhythm and blues and soul music performed by white artists. The term was coined in the mid-1960s, to describe white artists who performed soul and R&B that was similar to the music of the Motown and Stax record labels.

I’m giving you up I’ve forgiven it all

• by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Music, New Wave, Pop Rock, Soul music •   0

This morning, I woke up to facebook sharing one of my ‘memories’ with me. It was a post about a text I received from her, 5 years ago. It was a text of frustration with.. my debilitating personality disorders.  I don’t even know if that’s a PC term but I have determined that I am atypical or whatever that term is, this is where i take a moment to look it up.

So what I was trying to say, is that I have decided that I am not neurotypical… I did see a psychiatrist recently, and he referred me to try EMDR therapy.  I haven’t even looked it up because he said it wasn’t worth looking up because there is a lot of BS online.  A lot of doctors have been telling me this a lot lately.  They say… don’t even look up the side effects.. it will make you paranoid – so I don’t, but that just doesn’t seem right.

Anyway, as I explained to him that I feel like I have an overwhelming fear of death, not for myself but for everyone that is close to me.  He explained to me that what I was describing was a fear of loss, not death.  I can relate to that.  He thinks I have some signs of PTSD and when I did research the EMDR very briefly, I believe it can be related to recovering from trauma.  I really don’t think that I have any trauma to recover from, but it seems like there is n army out there that disagrees with that.

Between my rough childhood due to my mother, bullying in school because I was gay and then the constant verbal abuse from customers.. the doctor really wanted me to consider looking into another career because, he pointed out that… it doesn’t help matters any.  We talked about money and how important it is for me to feel financially secure and how I’d rather risk my sanity, to ensure that I have money.. anyway, that’s how that went and I picked a therapist based on being downtown and I am quite sure that he is gay, but I guess I am only assuming based on his photo and voice over his voicemail.

When I left work to go on my lunch break, Naked Eyes were filling my head.

Then Adele took that nostalgia and trying to empower me.. but I don’t really think that worked.

There’s always so much that I want to say and an underlying fear that I am trying to respect your wishes, but what if you need me to step up instead…

Five years ago, I was in the dark.  I didn’t understand what was going on.  I blamed myself.

It was around that time that you bought your bike at Walmart.  My sister has never had such a heartfelt conversation with me.

My niece say you and C at the store and wanted to run up to your in excitement.  My sister saw yall and knew that yall were more than just friends and stopped her.  She sat me down and tried to explain it to me.  I told her that she was wrong and confused..

We were in the small bedroom when I mentioned that my neice saw you at Walmart, because I was always so excited and told you everything, you froze for less than a second.. that happened a lot, but I never realized why… until much later.

The same thing happened when we were walking down the road a few times on different topics…

Little did I know.

Nobody’s Perfect.. Trust Me I’ve Heard It

• by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Industrial rock •   0

Tonight, I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the lady.. and by in front of — I mean that I sent her a text message that I questioned later – or 10.  Drinking is bad m ‘kay.  When you are sitting in a bar and something makes your think.. I should text the lady that I can’t get off my mind.. this text about an email that I sent her almost 2 years ago.. Don’t.  You might spend the next forever and a half wondering what she is thinking.

Maybe I’m all messed up
Maybe I’m all messed up
Maybe I’m all messed up in you

I Grow Fonder Everyday Day,
Loose Myself in Time
Just Thinking of Your Name

I’m Not The Kind Of Girl You’d Bring Home

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Blue-Eyed Soul, Country, Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Pop •   0

Today, as I drove home from work on my lunch break, the radio took me back… the first song is one that I have always loved… Here’s a little Sheryl Crow.

If I thought that I was going to escape that thought process quickly.. I was wrong. I may have woken up thinking about her… but it wasn’t going to end there. The next song that came on was a song that I started dreading about a year ago, when I actually had heard the words. I feel like it was about this time last year. I know that I was headed to get my hair cut and I even remember where I parked on the square to allow the song to finish before I turned off my car to get out… now I hear the words intensely, as if someone was speaking to me.. or more like.. her. It’s a good way to make me feel inadequate quickly. I am sure that it has nothing to do with what she meant the song to be about.. but it sounds quite clear to me.

Honestly, it hurts a little, every time that I hear the song..

You would think that I would stop listening to it. As I listen to it too many times and watch the words play above.. makes me realize – that we are all 3 so similar in personality, that it seems caddy but its really just this whole ball of tension that I will never be able to understand or explain. This song gets to me about as much as the Gotye song. and the last line. the last line always makes my stomach sink and picture what my own custom video would like look in that song. he would be singing the entire song. im not even phased that its a female singer – someone. i always see her face at the end, saying that all miley cirus wrecking ball style.. i should go watch that and cry.. i am so much more emotional that most people know. i feel like we all struggle with sexuality and gender in some way. i never really thought that about him but i know that growing up he was smaller than most of the guys and he’s not that tall now.. i dont know how being a guy works.. i avoid them most of the time. life has beome so complicated that i dont even know anymore. i just see patterns and try to come up with a reason. there is no reason or solution, just continue to do what youre supposed to be doing and everything will work out. it may be the biggest lie that i have ever told myself, but only time can tell.

I could see, you home with me

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Blue-Eyed Soul, Indie Rock, Rock •   0

There are a few songs that come on the radio that I just can not help but sing at full volume… usually with the windows down and somehow I feel like I always notice that I am driving past her street as I start to get into it… if she ever seems me.. it will be so embarrassing.. It’s not my fault that one of my best friends lives right down the road. She would probably just smile.

I’ve been called a hopeless romantic a lot in my life.. but I don’t think that it has ever felt this hopeless before.

While spending too much time looking at this computer today and listening to these songs.. I realized that this is my 105th post since I started writing on this site. It came after a day that she told me that we couldn’t talk anymore.. at all.. I’m just glad that that didn’t last forever. I would be her best friend over not knowing her any day..

As I read 9/11 stuff and was reminded of how important it is to tell people how you feel everyday – I have had a hard time not telling her that I love her. The closest that I have ever gotten was telling her that I deeply care about her. Besides this one email years ago when I told her that I knew that we were falling in love.. I say the dumbest shit sometimes, but I truly believe that she understands me and how I feel.

Let me be your one and only

• by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul •   0

This morning, I almost told her that “Rumor Has It” by Adele makes me feel weird when I listen to it. I could have added that I still remember where I was and what I was doing when I noticed the lyrics… I decided not to. Instead I just told her about my dream that I had about her last night. We agreed to meet on Father’s day.. Sept 5th.. I’m an odd one.


I dare you to let me be your, your one and only

• by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   0

I painted a birthday card for her, or more like I painted on one.. it couldn’t be more perfect, if you ask me. Which leads to the next perfect thing:

and then my phone played this next:

On that note, I have never seen the notebook but I have heard that it is an incredibly romantic movie. Some people say I am a bit romantic.. though, I always wonder what she actually thinks about it all. It’s all – a little – irregular….