Someday, YouTube will tell me how many times I have listened to these song – it if was a tape, I would have worn it out by now. At this point I am just clicking on my favorite suggestion to the rights for the next song. It is possible to sit here and do nothing else but listen to the toughest music that I could think to listen to. I check my phone more often than I should and tell myself that she is probably a sleep.
Well, you see her when you fall asleep But never to touch and never to keep ‘Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep
Passenger
I feel like I am only about two steps from Tailor Swift and I have already seen Sarah McLachlan grace the suggested list as if someone is picking the songs for me. It would be nice if these algorithms would just stop – I have seen The Social Network and its working.
Tonight is the first time I have heard this song in a different light.
I am supposed to work about 12 hours straight tomorrow but I can’t seem to force myself to go to bed.
And suddenly.. after the next song, I want to go to bed, I just hope she visits me in my dreams. I try not to ask much.
I wonder if she knows how much I fear July 27th after I spent to many hears missing her. I was walking on the inside of the square nearing her bakery at the time. I paused in my tracks – suddenly wondered if anyone could see me – felt like I was in a horrible movie and was in disbelief a that. She used words that scared me for her so I just backed of quickly but I just don’t think that I should do that anymore – but what can I even do?
It took me eight years to realize that the end of July terrifies me. I wonder if it has always been when her lease was up. The first emotional moments with her that I had, were in late July. Then about 4 years later, I was inviting her to eat lunch with me, which we had been doing nearly every day and she informed me that we couldn’t see each other anymore and we couldn’t even communicate – it was a lot to deal with and lasted nearly two and a half years.
I had felt really secure and though that she had been out of that sham of a relationship that she had been in, but recently, I realized that was not the case. I had thought that she had been single since we started talking again because of the things she would say to me but at some point that must have changed. I try to conceal how badly that hurts because I really don’t want her to know.
You get down, real low down You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train Well, who hasn’t been there before? I come ’round, around the hard way Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread And serve you French toast again Well, okay, I still get stoned I’m not the kind of girl you’d take home
I nearly feel guilty for feeling some songs – but I felt it hard.
I hate when I get lost in songs like this. As I left work, it was playing. Of course, I had to roll down my windows and scream it to myself – it makes me feel better – about doing nothing. I know that she wants me and she even confirms everything that I want to hear but I just feel like I can not complete the puzzle and I do not know what to do.
Some nights, its harder than others. But when I feel like this, I feel like I act like this every damn night.
This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for? Why don’t we break the rules already? I was never one to believe the hype Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard, and I’m half as liked But here they come again to jack my style
Fun.
And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again
Sometimes the words between the lines scream out at me. That’s when I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me. How many patterns can you recognize and disregard before you realize that you aren’t quick or smart – possibly closer to fucking stupid but that is an argument with myself that I hope I never have to truly have.
Current political issues have me fearing the future. As Texas makes abortion less accessible – I fear what next. When “If These Walls Could Talk” came out on HBO, I watched them. The look into the history of abortion terrified me but I didn’t think that it applied to my life at all. Its been over a decade since I have watched either but I know every critical scene because they all got through to me. Now that I have experienced life for about 20 years or more since each, I realize how much the right to an abortion is critical and could affect my life drastically if the circumstances were grossly aligned.
The second one has always been deeply rooted in my heart. I was about 16 or 17 years old when I realized why having a marriage license was so important and at the time there was no hope it sight. I never even fathomed the idea that I may have the possibility to get married in America. Eventually I knew a few counties that I could but that would never help me here. Since then, I have met the one and that was before it was even legal. I celebrated her home state allowing same sexed married months or years after we met. After it was federally legal, my mind tended to drift. It’s kind of cool to have never really believed I would marry anyone but one person, as before her – I never knew it could happen. Enough about the gays, we all know about that and today its more about Demi Moore and 1952.
All those thoughts made me connect each song to each other. When the song below plays, I have equal and different emotions in the same direction as the last, I should probably go to sleep soon, she might miss me in our dreams.
He says I know you have to go You have gone before We are fighting on two different fronts Of the same war But no matter what else I will do I will wait for you
Ani DiFranco
My boxer neighbor was over tonight and saw me writing, she asked about the site. She was so impressed, and said things that really made me feel better about my situation. Sometimes I think I vent to her and just tell her how hard it can be and she really can only listen because she has no personal experiences like that and is so sheltered its nearly an innocent opinion.
People act like caring about someone makes you crazy and sometime that can really hurt.
Here is a song that graced my screen today, its a song that goes so far back in my little heart but it never meant this before. This feeling gets stronger every time i hear it as many months usually pass first. Most sound minded lesbians avoud Sarah McLachlan at all cost, Plus we all see those poor pups on TV at the mention of her name.
‘Hold on, for this is going to hurt like hell’ its actually:
I have seen this movie and this combination hurt before I ever hurt play. Sometimes – I feel like I am stuck in a movie.
It’s 1:11 am, do I get to make a wish? I’ll make half of one – that important half.
Tonight, while I was watching the new American Horror Story with friends, the words in “Criminal” seemed to speak to me. I don’t blame her for a thing that has happened and once in a while when I am thinking about the way things turned out – I can’t help but ask myself – was it terrible timing or perfect timing?
If things happened in a different order, theres a good chance that I would have ran screaming in the other direction… let’s be honest.
She’s everything that I have ever wanted in a friend and partner but I have so many preconceived notions that I have created to ‘keep me safe’ I would have been over whelmed long ago. I’ll have to admit that she has a way of handling me..
And since this song also seems appropriate, it will be added. Today was so long and the hardest part at this point was wonder what I did and trying to keep myself from pestering her.
On that note, I realized that – deep in my heart, I am so confident that she loves me and that she feels all these things for me. A few things have been said here and there so that I know that things are not completely one sided, but I can’t help but be shocked at my audacity sometimes. It’s like part of me is terrified that I have done something to upset her which constantly argues with the part of me that just wants me to calm down and ‘let her do her own thing.’ That is the side that knows she does not want to hurt me like this, but it just comes with the situation. That is the same side that sees her pushing me away in hopes of protecting me from the pain. I’m not convinced that it works, but I will keep believing in brightening her life the way she enlightens mine.
