Grandma
I took for granted, all the times
This was the second time in the last few weeks or months that I have slept through my alarm at work only to wake to the second alarm that is telling me that it’s time to leave. It’s rather surprising that both times, I have woke up with a very strong feeling remembering the dream that it feels like I just woke up from.
The last time that it happened was on a Friday. In the dream, all that I remember was that she was holding me close, laying in a bed promising me that it would be alright. It has been a long time since I had heard from her, this was sometime into September. That day, she sent me a message telling me that she had accepted 2 jobs hoping to choose one of the two once she knew which one she liked more. I was driving home on my lunch break to finish my shift from home when I received that message. It may have been the last Friday in August, we were just getting approved to work from home starting in September and I let everyone leave at lunch to finish the day working from home. I was so excited upon reading that message – I don’t even know how to slow down and choose my words wisely in moments like that so I actually have no idea what it said. Those messages are gone so I may never know. I thought that it would be followed by more but within a week or two, she stopped reading my messages completely – I can only imagine that it’s for safety. I get so focused on certain things that I don’t even know if I would recognize if I was doing something wrong at this point. I have spent so many years convincing myself that it is not me or my short comings in like that when it is – I will be completely oblivious. Sadly, I have to give myself pep talks often to remind myself that I am not a worthless human riddled with mistakes.
She read my last messages when I was at six flags for my company picnic. I was a bit sad that day because I was certain that she would be here by then and was quite convinced, in my own mind, that we would get to go together. Though I didn’t even really get a chance to tell her about it and she was likely at work all the same.
The real point of this post was to document the dream from last night, I have been picturing it in graphic novel format though it was just a normal ol dream where we said a few impactful words and then it was over. In those dreams, I don’t see a thing. It is usually completely black and void of anything but voices. I can only compare it to things I have seen in movies but in this moment, nothing comes to me. Maybe a scene in the never ending story when the empress talks to him. I don’t catalogue information like that well.
I do not know the quote word for word but she said something along the lines of ‘consider the pattern, J.’ The word choice in my dreams has been quite peculiar in recent years. My dreams must be bored with my typical southern accent and mild vocabulary. I responded with a puzzled look. She followed up with asking, ‘What do you think we are waiting for?’ I answered without hesitation with a questioning inflection: “For him to calm down?” Just like that, there was a micro expression telling me that she knew that I would be able to get through these moments but before I could even confirm anything. She dissipated and blew away with the breeze. My dream can’t be completely black because I could see her face, her eyes, her smile and expression. I could see it change when she saw that I was starting to understand. We didn’t get to say anything else.
I suppose it was much like the first dream that I had, on Halloween night or more likely the early hours of November 1st, 2014. That dream pulled me out of a dark place that I can’t even fully remember. My compartmentalization likes to delete the boxes I don’t like often so that’s weird but I was really struggling with whatever was going on – the farther that I have made it in life, I realize that whatever was going on then is the same thing going on now but I fear it has gotten much worse. That is not suitable for this medium though.
That 1st dream continued day after day – maybe until my immature self would start taking it seriously. It was so real and I remember thinking that what I was “seeing’ in my dream replicated an old 80s style baby portrait where you would have the normal photo and then the ghost image floating over in the back. I had a baby photo like that and in my dream, she was the floating head most of the time. It later grew, got longer and then there were other floating heads, higher up looking down on us. I don’t know if I have ever written about that part of the dream but it came weeks later.
She was one of the heads and the other one was someone she was talking to, seemed to be an older black woman. When I reflect upon it now, I feel like it was my current boss but that is just so weird to even think or say, I had the dream nearly 10 years ago, repeatedly.
They are looking down on her and I having the original conversation in the dream. Its short, she tells me that she loves me, that she truly down but now is not the time. I looked back at her like I was about to cry and she looked back at me like ‘its not the time for that either.’
Once the other two heads make it to this they are looking down on us talking or well, I guess she was the only one talking here. As the above described happens, she is confused and asks why I am so sad and doesn’t understand what is going on at all. M replies saying, “This is before she knows that I am going to take perfect care of her.”
The unknown woman responds back with a facial expression, when I think about these dreams, I realize that there really is not many words at all in any of them but they are the most powerful dreams that I have ever had. Its hard to even describe and makes me think about the tiny book and cards she got me for my birthday last year because, my dreams are images, emotions, expressions but there aren’t many words so it is hard for me to write it out. It was a heart felt reaction that – I do not have words for, ask me in person and I will fill in the gap.
That was the first strange word choice that I laughed to myself about for years to come:
“perfect care” I am not sure if that is even a phrase that anyone would use but I welcome finding out what it means.
I am sure there are so many more but what about “in two months’ time”
When I watched the pilot of that one British TV show that one of my favorite songs came from, I heard them say “one weeks’ time” or something like that and was so thrilled that I had originally guessed right when I questioned that dream word choice.
Ill have to add, “Consider the pattern” to the list.
One more thing, before I end this with the song of the day.
My grandmother has been in bad shape for the last 9 months or so. Its hard to even think about and I already miss her dearly even though I can still go hold her hand. Nearly every weekend, I go over to her house just to sit next to her. When I am lucky, she is awake and can smile at me. Though they say she has a form of dementia, vascular dementia, she always knows who I am and she is always very happy to see me but I’d be lying if I said that by the 10 year mark of my dream, I will certainly need someone to take perfect care of me. It pains me so bad to desire that so badly because I know very deeply that no one was there when she needed the same.
I remember her every word when it comes to her pain though I never know the right thing to say, so I hold it as close as I can and cry when I type way too many words.
What I was going to say about Grandma is that she doesn’t walk anymore, she can’t even use the walker at this point from what I understand. She can stand and turn to get in the wheelchair and she can kind of do the same to go to the bathroom. The other night, my aunt T was on baby monitor duty and sleeping in the middle bedroom. She received a call in the morning around 7:30 AM from a contact in her phone that had been deceased for a few years. She didn’t answer it because she knew that it wasn’t that person but once she was awake she heard my grandmother calling for help through the baby monitor. She ran to check on her and somehow grandma had managed to stand up and was hanging on to the edge of her door so she must have made it a few steps.
Many things have been happening over the last few months and I have both of my aunts quite convinced that my grandfather finds ways to watch over her and communicate with us. My aunt eventually called the number back and she said the guy that answered said yeah he called her, he wasn’t sure who that number was. That didn’t make much sense to me but whatever happened, T woke up just in time to save grandma yet again.
Now for the song of the day or month.
Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen
The dreams continued last night, so much so that I slept until nearly 3 PM. I woke up plenty of times but didn’t want to get out of bed, so I just kept going back to sleep. I felt like I was having a good dream but it may have been a mixture of sorts. I could not tell you where one dream started or stopped, so as far as I know, it was just one big dream. I will grace over s few themes that I felt were important.
This was the second dream to include a bicycle in the last few nights. Each time the bike looked similar. Last night it occurred later in the dream. I was alone and going down a steep bike path. It was rocking and all over the place. I seemed to be doing just fine but when I got to the bottom of the hill it seemed to be a dead end into someone’s house. I started to crawl under a fence and a small dog came up to me and growled. I stepped back and eventually an old man on a golf cart came up on the side of the fence with the house. He told me that I passed the last exit back there about a half of a mile. I looked back up the hill trying to figure out how I could ever get back up there when my friends showed up on the other side and the guy left me go through his fence. At this point in my dream, I didn’t know if she was still with my friends, but there she was with the rescue crew and I was so excited to see that she had not gone home yet.
Prior to that I had been in a panic. My grandmother’s house was being sold and I could not afford to buy it. I was beyond distraught. That is about where my love entered the dream. She was always right there with my trying to help me come up with a plan.
There were several other scenarios in the dream but I can’t even think of them right now. We kept getting separated but every time that I would meet back up with my friends, she was always right there with them smiling at me.
Tonight, I read this article and took a pretty nice picture of the full moon.
According to Dream Moods, Dream Dictionary:
To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own.
If you are riding a push bike, then it means that you want to move forward at your own pace and by your own power.
To see a bicycle in your dream indicates that you need to devote time to leisurely pursuits and recreation.
If the color of the bicycle was particularly important or memorable, then the dream often relates to specific childhood memories. If you had a yellow bicycle or the neighbor down the street had a red one, then the dream is about what you were going through during that period of your life.
The bicycle in both dreams were grey or silver but I don’t know what that would mean.
To see a house in your dream represents your own soul and self. Specific rooms in the house indicate a specific aspect of your psyche. In general, the attic represents your intellect, the basement represents the subconscious, etc. If the house is empty, then it indicates feelings of insecurity.
If the house is shifting, then it suggests that you are going through some personal changes and changing your belief system. To dream that a house has no walls represents a lack of privacy. You feel that everyone is looking over your shoulder or up in your business.
To see a rock in your dream symbolizes strength, permanence, stability and integrity, as conveyed in the common phrase “as solid as a rock”. The dream may also indicate that you are making a commitment to a relationship or that you are contemplating some changes in your life that will lay the groundwork for a more solid foundation. Alternatively, a rock represents stubbornness, disharmony and unhappiness.
To dream that you are climbing a rock signifies your determination, ambition and struggle. If the rock is particularly steep, then it refers to obstacles and disappointments.
If you are walking on rocks in your dream, then it indicates that you are on shaky ground. You may be involved in an uneasy situation. The dream may also be telling you not to get too comfortable or too arrogant.
And there’s no time left for losing
There are so many moments in time that I remember the exact conversation and remember just where I was – which direction I was facing and how it felt in that moment. A lot of times that moment felt like a punch in the stomach – probably because my stomach is incredibly affected by what I have learned is probably the release of brain chemicals – but I couldn’t tell you that in the moment. I either panic or melt. I prefer melt.
The earliest memory that I can remember at the moment was one that came back to cycle in my mind forever to come and it would feel different every time. I was with my grandma at Blanco State Park and we were camping relatively close to the public bathrooms. We were walking down the hill back to our camp site on the right side of the road when she said: “You know, if you keep dressing like that – eventually people are going to think you are interested in women. Are you?” I was so young that I honestly wasn’t lying to her when I got offended and said no, disgustedly – I would have responded the same way if she had asked if I was interested in boys – I am going to guess I was about 8 or 10 at the time. They had been struggling with ‘redirecting me’ lovingly but I don’t know that it is possible. My family has always adored me, I don’t think that they ever intended on being terrifying or offensive but in a way – they didn’t know better or thought it was the right thing.
Fast-forward to the day that my brother got bit by a copperhead at the state park in Edna, Texas. I can’t recall the name of the state park at the moment but we ate Thanksgiving there all of the time. It was the day before Thanksgiving in 2003 and my brother had already been driven to the hospital by my uncle (the one that I currently work with) and I had been tasked with collecting the snake to bring to the hospital – so my aunt and I were following behind with a dead snake in a bag. I used a shovel.
So the next conversation that is imprinted in my memory is when my aunt starts talking to me about being gay- at this point there was no denying it. I was in college, my first semester and everyone knew I was gay through I had not really brought a girl home yet – like to Christmas but that would come and they would do well. The conversation that we had that day in her car as we raced to the hospital to rescue my brother was her telling me that my life had just already been so hard and I was finally to the point that I was nearly out of my dad’s house. Everyone encouraged me to move out at that point because everyone was afraid of what would happen when he realized that his daughter was a lesbian – but nothing happened, thankfully. I acknowledged her concern and told her that I would be okay. She said that she just wanted me to be able to grow up and have the happy family that I have never gotten to have yet. She knows all too well what my siblings and I went through – and even at an extremely young age, I knew how to protect people from the trust – so I never even told them everything, I didn’t want to scare my grandma. The rest of my siblings have forgotten everything because they were so young, so my father and I are the only ones left suffering the burden of my childhood. No one hurt me, no one ever hurt me. I had a lot of people protecting me, but I watched my mom destroy my father over and over again and that alone has caused some damage.
I remember the moment that I almost fought my mom in my dad’s kitchen years before the above situation happened. My grandfather had just passed. I think I have talked about that before so I won’t relive the moment I almost got in my first fight and I feel like it would have been real. My dad knew it too and begged me to walk away – and I did.
When my brother was in the Edna hospital, I was standing with my grandma looking out the hospital window at my aunt, uncle and all the paramedics and probably entire hospital staff talking about what they were going to do. I must add that my brother had no insurance or even money to speak of. He had ran away from home to port aransas and he was still a minor. He wasn’t legally emancipated, he just left – so he had no legal guardian present, until they realized that I was 19, suddenly, I was his legal guardian. Back to the point about looking out that window, my grandma said, “Can you please go get George?” She was asking me to go get my grandpa, who had passed 3 years prior. My brother was on a hospital bed so doped up on morphine that he couldn’t speak to me and now my grandma wanted me to go get my late grandpa, I was about to lose it but instead I walked outside to the group huddled out there and just said, “Hey, Grandma just asked me to come out here and get Grandpa and this is becoming too much for me, can someone go do something?” That night was intense and not even part of this post but I will come back to that story some day.
Many years later, I met the woman that inspired this blog. It’s easy to say that I fell hard and quickly without even really realizing it. That’s when these moments stuck in my memory started to make me melt instead of panic. All of the previous moments were not that great but I will never forget them. The first moment that stands out in my mind was when she got to San Francisco, she called me and told me that her plane had landed. She told me that it was beautiful there and that we would live there one day. That was an immediate heart melt and that wasn’t normal for me. I reminded myself that maybe she meant something else, but I could careless – I heard what I wanted to and I was keeping it that way. I had already known that I had fallen in love with but I don’t know if I was ready to admit it to myself. It would be years before I would tell her – though I am sure I tried. I was in my old bedroom. I was standing on something at the foot of my bed looking out my window towards my backyard.
There are actually plenty of other things I remember quite clearly before that but there is something very specific about how these moments make me feel that differentiates them from others. There was a time that I read that Colorado had passed Same-Sex Marriage laws so I texted her and to my surprise she replied. I grew up believing that I would never get married because it just didn’t happen and of course, I planned to do what I want, but I had seen “If These Walls Could Talk II” and I knew that there were legal issues and everything else. I told my friends, I tried to educate people but at some point, I felt defeated and gave up.
Just a month before my youngest brother passed away. The supreme court passed the federal law allowing same-sex marriage. At the time I was a bit skeptical and I still am but since I was a bit caught up trying to help my dad figure out what to do to help my brother through his drug addiction – I hardly noticed. I was happy but just didn’t think it would last. After my brother died, everything seemed less permanent. I could feel myself detaching again. I had spent at least 5 years with little to no feelings but all you get with that is a wasted life. Thankfully, I had found my passion or desire… well I don’t have the appropriate word but there was a flame in my soul that would not burn out and I really needed that about then.
We went to get our hair cut a few days later. It was something that we had actually planned and I believe that she asked me if I still wanted to go. At that point, I needed all of the distractions that I could get. Everywhere I looked, everyone was falling apart and no one knew what to do about it. Secretly, everyone blamed themselves. He was just here days prior. He lived out of state so that was abnormal but he came down here to get off Heroin and we all failed him. He was nice to me. We bonded over African soap and I made him some that I was never able to give him. He fought with my mom and went back early. My mom’s mother died while he was on his way back up. I know that didn’t help matters any. My mom lost her mother and her son in the same week and she was less than stable to start with. My dad was hanging on with a string trying to balance everything. I was watching everyone that I thought had things under control show me that no one really did at all.
But there she was, holding my hand, smiling at me and we went to Mink to get our haircut. She had hers cut link tank girl. I sat on that bench watching her pink locks fall to the ground; trying my best not to admire her too much because I just felt like – I was the only one that felt that way.
That was over four years ago and doesn’t have much to do with my next vague story but last night while I was at Madd’s house doing laundry, we started messaging a lot. I had missed her a lot but was trying to give her space so I was super excited. I was telling her about the smocked dressed that I would wear because I loved my grandma but it was really hard for me because I really wanted into dresses at all from an early age. I had been walking up the stairs to go grab something when I saw she messaged me, so I opened it to read it because at the time I thought that I could read and walk at the same time but I may have read the message and tripped a little as I went to go reread the message at least 3 times before I believed that it said what it did. After my heart melted and I took my last step onto even ground – my next through was – well… I guess she does check that email address. And at the moment of being mortified that lasted less than a second, I continued to wonder how she could ever put up with me. I am afraid to go back and look at my sent messages because I know how bad I am. I used to do it and knew it was the worst mistake. She must really love me and I really love her. No one understands so I keep it to myself but I think it’s important to know that my life is full of love and excitement its just muted by fear and well I think that’s it, fear of the unknown.
Maybe the world is yours?
It finally happened, somehow active shooter emergencies have made their way into my nightmares and to make it even worse, my grandma was involved. As far as I can remember – no one was hurt.
For some reason, there were several women from my family with me and we were sitting in bleachers that resembled a hockey stadium. We were pretty high up in the stadium and there was a barrier in front of us that was high enough to duck behind.
There was some sort of car theft involved and then someone came up to where we were and started shooting a semi automatic rifle into the stands. When we realized what was going on we got my grandma down and I braced myself on top of her, I clenched my teeth and held my breath and with every sound of the gun I expected to be hit.
I don’t remember the ending but as I ducked down there, I wondered when someone would come save us. Why didn’t anyone else have a gun? We were outside and could see where the car had been stolen from. In my dream, I knew the owner of the truck – maybe it was blue, but at this point, I can not recall.
To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation. If you dream that someone is shooting you in the back, then it means that you are involved with some questionable people who may be harmful to your well-being. It also implies that you are too trusting of others.
To dream that something of yours have been stolen indicates that you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life. Alternatively, the dream means that someone has stolen your success or has taken credit for something you did. Perhaps you feel that you have been treated unfairly.
To see your grandmother in your dream represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother. She may also be the archetypal symbol of the wise old woman.
I don’t know why
My grandma has always been the person I was closest to. On Christmas Eve, she was in the hospital. I really panicked. Last Saturday, I stayed at her house, because my aunt was out of town. Today, I called her. She isn’t feeling very well. I am sure the weather has been difficult for her and when I was there last, she said that my aunt was making her stop taking some kind of panic attack medicine because it was too strong for her. She couldn’t tell me what the medicine was but maybe I should look into it more. Today, she was getting frustrated because she couldn’t understand me on the phone. When I told her that I loved her, for the first time, she replied with something other than” I love you too…” She said, “I don’t know why.”
I told her that I was coming to see her today and that it would be a few hours. I have been crying my eyes out ever since. My entire life, I have feared the day that I would not have my grandma to turn to. She turns 87 on January 21st – and my life feels like it is crumbling already.