Dreams

I took for granted, all the times

• by She Says • In Dreams, Grandma, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on I took for granted, all the times

This was the second time in the last few weeks or months that I have slept through my alarm at work only to wake to the second alarm that is telling me that it’s time to leave. It’s rather surprising that both times, I have woke up with a very strong feeling remembering the dream that it feels like I just woke up from.

The last time that it happened was on a Friday. In the dream, all that I remember was that she was holding me close, laying in a bed promising me that it would be alright. It has been a long time since I had heard from her, this was sometime into September. That day, she sent me a message telling me that she had accepted 2 jobs hoping to choose one of the two once she knew which one she liked more. I was driving home on my lunch break to finish my shift from home when I received that message. It may have been the last Friday in August, we were just getting approved to work from home starting in September and I let everyone leave at lunch to finish the day working from home. I was so excited upon reading that message – I don’t even know how to slow down and choose my words wisely in moments like that so I actually have no idea what it said. Those messages are gone so I may never know. I thought that it would be followed by more but within a week or two, she stopped reading my messages completely – I can only imagine that it’s for safety. I get so focused on certain things that I don’t even know if I would recognize if I was doing something wrong at this point. I have spent so many years convincing myself that it is not me or my short comings in like that when it is – I will be completely oblivious. Sadly, I have to give myself pep talks often to remind myself that I am not a worthless human riddled with mistakes.

She read my last messages when I was at six flags for my company picnic. I was a bit sad that day because I was certain that she would be here by then and was quite convinced, in my own mind, that we would get to go together. Though I didn’t even really get a chance to tell her about it and she was likely at work all the same.

The real point of this post was to document the dream from last night, I have been picturing it in graphic novel format though it was just a normal ol dream where we said a few impactful words and then it was over. In those dreams, I don’t see a thing. It is usually completely black and void of anything but voices. I can only compare it to things I have seen in movies but in this moment, nothing comes to me. Maybe a scene in the never ending story when the empress talks to him. I don’t catalogue information like that well.

I do not know the quote word for word but she said something along the lines of ‘consider the pattern, J.’ The word choice in my dreams has been quite peculiar in recent years. My dreams must be bored with my typical southern accent and mild vocabulary. I responded with a puzzled look. She followed up with asking, ‘What do you think we are waiting for?’ I answered without hesitation with a questioning inflection: “For him to calm down?” Just like that, there was a micro expression telling me that she knew that I would be able to get through these moments but before I could even confirm anything. She dissipated and blew away with the breeze. My dream can’t be completely black because I could see her face, her eyes, her smile and expression. I could see it change when she saw that I was starting to understand. We didn’t get to say anything else.

I suppose it was much like the first dream that I had, on Halloween night or more likely the early hours of November 1st, 2014. That dream pulled me out of a dark place that I can’t even fully remember. My compartmentalization likes to delete the boxes I don’t like often so that’s weird but I was really struggling with whatever was going on – the farther that I have made it in life, I realize that whatever was going on then is the same thing going on now but I fear it has gotten much worse. That is not suitable for this medium though.

That 1st dream continued day after day – maybe until my immature self would start taking it seriously. It was so real and I remember thinking that what I was “seeing’ in my dream replicated an old 80s style baby portrait where you would have the normal photo and then the ghost image floating over in the back. I had a baby photo like that and in my dream, she was the floating head most of the time. It later grew, got longer and then there were other floating heads, higher up looking down on us. I don’t know if I have ever written about that part of the dream but it came weeks later.

She was one of the heads and the other one was someone she was talking to, seemed to be an older black woman. When I reflect upon it now, I feel like it was my current boss but that is just so weird to even think or say, I had the dream nearly 10 years ago, repeatedly.

They are looking down on her and I having the original conversation in the dream. Its short, she tells me that she loves me, that she truly down but now is not the time. I looked back at her like I was about to cry and she looked back at me like ‘its not the time for that either.’

Once the other two heads make it to this they are looking down on us talking or well, I guess she was the only one talking here. As the above described happens, she is confused and asks why I am so sad and doesn’t understand what is going on at all. M replies saying, “This is before she knows that I am going to take perfect care of her.”

The unknown woman responds back with a facial expression, when I think about these dreams, I realize that there really is not many words at all in any of them but they are the most powerful dreams that I have ever had. Its hard to even describe and makes me think about the tiny book and cards she got me for my birthday last year because, my dreams are images, emotions, expressions but there aren’t many words so it is hard for me to write it out. It was a heart felt reaction that – I do not have words for, ask me in person and I will fill in the gap.

That was the first strange word choice that I laughed to myself about for years to come:

“perfect care” I am not sure if that is even a phrase that anyone would use but I welcome finding out what it means.

I am sure there are so many more but what about “in two months’ time”

When I watched the pilot of that one British TV show that one of my favorite songs came from, I heard them say “one weeks’ time” or something like that and was so thrilled that I had originally guessed right when I questioned that dream word choice.

Ill have to add, “Consider the pattern” to the list.

One more thing, before I end this with the song of the day.

My grandmother has been in bad shape for the last 9 months or so. Its hard to even think about and I already miss her dearly even though I can still go hold her hand. Nearly every weekend, I go over to her house just to sit next to her. When I am lucky, she is awake and can smile at me. Though they say she has a form of dementia, vascular dementia, she always knows who I am and she is always very happy to see me but I’d be lying if I said that by the 10 year mark of my dream, I will certainly need someone to take perfect care of me. It pains me so bad to desire that so badly because I know very deeply that no one was there when she needed the same.

I remember her every word when it comes to her pain though I never know the right thing to say, so I hold it as close as I can and cry when I type way too many words.

What I was going to say about Grandma is that she doesn’t walk anymore, she can’t even use the walker at this point from what I understand. She can stand and turn to get in the wheelchair and she can kind of do the same to go to the bathroom. The other night, my aunt T was on baby monitor duty and sleeping in the middle bedroom. She received a call in the morning around 7:30 AM from a contact in her phone that had been deceased for a few years. She didn’t answer it because she knew that it wasn’t that person but once she was awake she heard my grandmother calling for help through the baby monitor. She ran to check on her and somehow grandma had managed to stand up and was hanging on to the edge of her door so she must have made it a few steps.

Many things have been happening over the last few months and I have both of my aunts quite convinced that my grandfather finds ways to watch over her and communicate with us. My aunt eventually called the number back and she said the guy that answered said yeah he called her, he wasn’t sure who that number was. That didn’t make much sense to me but whatever happened, T woke up just in time to save grandma yet again.

Now for the song of the day or month.

But I Can’t Find My Shoes

• by She Says • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee •   Comments Off on But I Can’t Find My Shoes

I restarted going to the gym which means my whole body is sore. It was hard to sleep and I was tossing and turning. At some point I was able to dream:

I can’t say that I remember a whole lot. It seemed to be the same house that I always try to ride my bike past in my dreams. It feels very real in the moment but when I think about it right now, that house never existed and that path never existed so it must be the house that I check in my dreams, often.

The house is a two story house that is on a curve. The neighborhood resembles the one that I grew up in high school. I drive down the road to the pool and take a left and travel up hill slightly and curve to the left. The house in on the right down a long caliche driveway.

In this dream, I didn’t see most of that and there were additional features.

We were upstairs in her room, which it did not seem was shared with anyone. My brother and I were there and everything was normal. At some point the tone changed drastically and she told me that I should really go. It took me a moment to understand what was going on and then I could tell by her tone that she really needed me to leave. As if we were talking about someone that broke into the house, she says that she can hear him making food in the kitchen. I started to scramble to find my shoes but they were no where in sight. I checked two upstairs bathrooms and all other the bedroom but could not find my shoes. I was looking for my white reeboks with red on them, the shoes that I has actually been wearing that day in my waking life.

It was clear that she wasn’t coming with me and my brother had already walked out and was nearly to the car at this point. I went out a back door and down narrow wooden stairs. I walked barefoot across a large yard with dry yellow grass. I did not hurry and looked back at the house as I left waiting to see anything. I did not.

The cars were parked in this makeshift cinder bock tiny parking garage that fit about 5 cars. As we were leaving, an older brownish SUV backed out so aggressively, it ran over the car next to it monster truck style. In that moment, I thought they were coming for us but just drove away. We left as if nothing happened.

When I woke up, my body was stiff and well worse than it was before.

from: https://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/s2.htm

To dream that you are not wearing any shoes indicates that you have low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in yourself. You are dealing with issues about your self-identity. It also represents poverty, lack of mobility, or misunderstanding. Alternatively, to dream that you are not wearing shoes represent your playful attitudes and relaxed, carefree frame of mind. You have a firm grasp and good understanding on a situation. If you dream that you lose your shoes, then it suggests that you are searching for your identity and finding yourself.

In the beginning it is always dark

• by She Says • In Dreams •   Comments Off on In the beginning it is always dark

Last night, I had a dream that she and I were in an upstairs bedroom somewhere and a black wolf jumped in through a picture window. When I was very young, I slept next to a large picture window that opened to my grandparents backyard. I was always afraid of something coming through that window.

The wolf looked just like Gmork in ‘The Neverending Story.’ In my dream, I grabbed it by the snout like I would with my dog and over powered. I was able to get it to a smaller window and show it through – only that window seemed to go down to a small room that was like a bathroom so someone had to come remove it for us.

Once the dream came back to me when I woke up, I found:

To see a wolf in your dream symbolizes survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. Dreaming that a wolf is attacking you reflects an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life. This could point to an obsession, an addiction, a codependent or abusive relationship or something that is beyond your control.

I had gone to sleep quite happy shortly after receiving a sweet message where she asked if we could see each other today.

Oh, into the sea of waking dreams

• by She Says • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on Oh, into the sea of waking dreams

I follow without pride
Because nothing stands between us here

Dream Notes

  • ipad left at my house, opened to gmail
  • top email was unread message from her sister, I knew that I could not read it
  • made sure not to read other subjects in email
  • subject to sister’s email was something like it’s meeeeeee
  • she had a piano recital the next day
  • tubing the river on one large tube balancing each other
  • old fridge
  • hookah on top of fridge
  • discussion with person in house if I was staying as we left saying I wouldn’t want to sleep downstairs
  • house was old, many rooms, white, co-op style
  • somewhere near waco
  • came by my house before leaving
  • had to call him before we left on video call, he didn’t answer which made her nervous
  • she said something important right before I woke up
  • stared into each others eyes communicating without words

In my dream, at one point we were tubing down the river on one tube. you were sitting up on the side somehow and I was hanging on to the edge as we were talking. I only remember one thing that was said but it was pretty specific.

Hookah

To see or smoke a hookah in your dream represents ease and relaxation. Alternatively, it refers to the difficulties your are facing in your waking life. You may be bottling up your emotions.

IPad

To see an iPad in your dream represents modern life and your connections with others. It also suggests that you want to put something on display. Consider the significance of what you are doing on the iPad and how that parallels an aspect of your waking life. Alternatively, seeing an iPad in your dream may be a pun on “your home” or “your place”.

River

To see a clear and calm river in your dream indicates that you are just going with the flow. You are allowing your life to float away. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. Alternatively, a river symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace, prosperity and fertility. It is also reflective of a new stage in your life. If the river is muddy, then it indicates that you are in turmoil.

Alternatively, this dream means you are ready to confront life’s challenges and life’s twists and turns.

Tubing

To dream that you are tubing suggests that you are on experiencing emotional ups and downs.

Refrigerator

To see or open a refrigerator in your dream represents your chilling personality and/or cold emotions. The dream may also be telling you that you need to put some goal, plan, or situation on hold. Alternatively, a refrigerator signifies that you have accomplished what you have been subconsciously seeking.

To dream that the refrigerator has broken down suggests that you need to warm up to somebody or some situation. It is time to let go of those harsh, cold feelings.

If you dream of a very full refrigerator, then it symbolizes your untapped resources.

Piano

To dream that you are playing a piano indicates a quest for harmony in your life. Consider where the piano is placed as a clue as to what aspect of your life needs accordance. If no sound is coming out of the piano, then it implies a lack of confidence. You are not sure about how to express yourself and how to voice your beliefs.

To dream that you hear the sound of a piano suggests harmony in your life. You are pleased with the way your life is going.

To dream that the piano needs to be tuned indicates some aspect of your life is in discord. You need to devote more time to a relationship, family duties, project, or other situation.

North

To dream of the direction north symbolizes reality. It also indicates that you are making progress and moving forward in life.

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear

• by She Says • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Pop •   Comments Off on You’re here, there’s nothing I fear

Spent 2.5 decades cringing when such songs played only to deeply listen and sing along as if the energy that is expelled will aid her on her tortuous journey.

I am quite convinced that my dream from last month is coming true and I don’t even care if that is slightly crazy one bit.

In other timely information, I started this site 9 years ago.

I left work crying that day.

She had told me that we couldn’t talk anymore for the first time. My world seemed to crumble. When I was at work, I got a call from a sweet older lady with the same name as her. I was in sales at the time and my boss must have been observing that call actively. The next call came in and my boss started trying to chastise me for not making a sales offer to the sweet old lady. It was hard enough to repeatedly say her name. I am quite sure that my next caller was able to hear me starting to softly cry as I was doing everything I could to make it through my day and then my boss was coming down hard on me for not making a sales offer to a sweet old woman that was probably telling me some heart breaking story in which I refused to accost her with an over priced service she doesn’t need – well – after that following call, I had made it to my lunch break, I walked straight up to my boss and told her that I wouldn’t be back after lunch, that I was sick and that I would get a doctor’s note. I am quite sure that my next move was to my primary doctor to get back on anxiety medication, which is usually my go to when I can’t handle life.

At the time, I would have never believed that I would be where I am 9 years later, in many ways, all of which I consider positive. (Somewhat – that is optimistically speaking). Either way, I would have been thrilled to know that she would even remember my name. As of 9 years ago, I was blindsided and expecting the worst and not seeing what was actually going on – that would take many more years or repeating this pattern before I would realize that it was not something I was imaging and my writing here helped that a lot.

The youtube playlist continued, so I will continue with the most nostalgic of music. This was one of the first 2 CDs I owned:

Livin’ a life that I can’t leave behind

• by She Says • In Alternative, Dreams, Rock •   Comments Off on Livin’ a life that I can’t leave behind

The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much

There’s that line in this song that takes me back to everything bagels and desperately listening. That laughter warms my heart more than I could describe. I’d do anything just to spend a little time with her.

Tonight has been hard and I feel I caused it with one bad decision and ridiculously terrible timing.

I should go listen to some Sarah McLachlan. There’s a woman that I can’t get off my mind. I just want to fight for her so badly.

Some travelling overground

• by She Says • In Dreams, Pop •   Comments Off on Some travelling overground

Last night I had a dream about a snake. I was in a wooded area with 3 people. Someone moved something and a snake shot out. It was yellow and sped right for me eventually jumping and biting my hand. I yanked it off and started screaming for help. Someone came out of the house and the others ran towards me.

Well I’m runnin through the world

• by She Says • In Dreams, Folk Rock, Pop, Rock •   Comments Off on Well I’m runnin through the world

The last message I sent her before going to bed said that I wished that we could stay up all night talking.

Then I had a dream, that felt like it lasted all night. We went multiple places and had an amazing time. Currently I can remember a few specifics and it seems that those were the moments that really stood out to me in the dream – but what do I know, I can’t even remember the rest.

I can’t connect the dots or even guess how it all started. I can say that there was a time that I was in a pool, and I feel like I had to get in in my shirt and underwear. I’m not one to make such bold moves. At some point, I was touching her side, taking note that it was real and I could actually touch her, she put her hand on mine to calm my nervous movements.

If I were to try to pull specific themes to go read about, this would be my thrown together list.

  • Pool, swimming
  • Going to eat
  • Watching the sun rise
  • Believed I could feel touching her

Its more of the specific moments that stand out to me but I am not ready to put words to it. I woke up feeling like we spent the night talking – but I can’t remember any meaningful dialogue.

We were walking through some field, it almost resembled a game that I play, when the sun started to come up and she pointed over toward the horizon and made a comment to suggest that we did get to stay up all night talking.

Pool

To see a pool of water in your dream indicates that you need to acknowledge and understand your feelings. It is time to dive in and deal with those emotions. Alternatively, a pool indicates your desire to be cleansed. You need to wash away the past.

Restaurant

To dream that you are in a restaurant suggests that you are feeling overwhelmed by decisions and choices that you need to make in your life. Alternatively, it indicates that you are seeking for emotional nourishment outside of your social support system.

Sunrise

To see the sunrise in your dream represents new beginnings, renewal of life and energy, and fulfillment of your goals and purpose. You are about to embark on a new adventure in your personal life.

Touching

To dream that you are touching someone or something indicates that you are trying to communicate your feelings and your need for contact. You may be trying to evaluate a situation and gather information about your environment.

To dream that you are being touched represents your closeness and/or relationship with a particular person. It may also mean that you are connected and well in tune with an aspect of yourself. Alternatively, being touched may be a metaphor that you are feeling emotional and sensitive.

I know there was much more and if it comes back to me, I will attempt to amend.