Today, I needed a song from 1991 because I noticed that my word cloud at the bottom of the page was not even – we will blame the retrograde or something. I should be asleep – its 9:15 AM – but I have been logging into work early to cover for people, I am logged out until 10 currently.
I realized why I have no songs from 1991 – they are all pretty terrible, except this one.
Last Tuesday, I went to karaoke and this is the song of the night. I watched the words as they scrolled down the screen. It was one of those moments – where I had heard the song so many times, thousands on this one – but that night – one week ago, I felt like I was writing the words as they displayed.
The lengths that I will go to The distance in your eyes Oh no I’ve said too much
Trying to keep up with you And I don’t know if I can do it Oh no I’ve said too much I haven’t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper, of every waking hour I’m choosing my confessions Trying to keep an eye on you Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool Oh no I’ve said too much I set it up
Consider this Consider this the hint of the century Consider this the slip That brought me to my knees, failed What if all these fantasies come Flailing around Now I’ve said too much
But that was just a dream That was just a dream
I have always known it was a gay song, well I am quite sure its historical anyway – but last Tuesday, it meant more to me.
Last month, I found myself helping a friend move – looking for a distraction, but somehow it brought me right back to the middle of it all. That may have been due to my series of choices, but I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was full of fear and pain that has since dissipated.
My friend had borrowed a truck for me to use so that I could continue helping her move after my car had broken down the night before. We had already had a plan that I was going to take a load of trash to my old house. When I made this plan, I didn’t have enough forward thinking to realize what I could have avoided.
Maybe my car broke down for a reason, so that I couldn’t find myself pacing my favorite street – by now with tears in my eyes and the songs growing more and more grey. I had been stopping there on my way home from work – I guess that was the last time I went to work too.
On my way to drop off the trash, I stopped at my initials – picked up the three rocks that I had left there and continued on my way. I actually do not know it I left any there that night because it was the last time I visited that spot. I went to my old house, turned my head lights out, climbed into the truck like it was 2005 again (I have done plenty of slightly terrible shit) and just started filling up the dumpster with trash that wasn’t there’s. My friend showed up and emptied her car too and we planned to meet back at my house. I must have glanced up the street when I had turned left at the end of my favorite street because I knew that there was a Uhaul in her driveway and I was trying to hold it all together. I knew it was coming but it put me in a panic just to see it. By this time of night, it was late. When I left the trash dumpster, I knew the path I was going to take and decided that I needed to find 2 snowflake obsidian crystals in my pocket and gently throw them at the uhaul in hopes that she would find them the next day. I may never know if she did – she may tell me about it someday. BUT I didn’t stop there – I knew that I had to stop one more place. It must have been around 2 AM because the college kids were getting rides back to their cars. I shamelessly parked in front of her work and walked over to where I expected her to park- all of this could make me creepy as hell but as I continued to check, I was told that it’s romantic if they like it – I am still not sure I can tell the difference but I was attempting to show my ut most dedication in the most delicate ways and though visiting people’s work is usually not sanctioned, I think that we have a unique relationship and I believe it to me okay. After I placed the rocks on the curb thing, I still could not relax so I walked over to the back door just to look at it.
As I stood there, I put my hand in my pocket to see what other rocks I could hid and to my surprise, I found a necklace that I had picked up off the ground earlier that day. It was a rock necklace that I had originally obtained on ebay but felt that it was nearly perfect – it was most likely purchased for her to began with but I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself so I keep most of what I want to get her. Especially since I rarely get to see her – but I tucked the necklace back behind some conduit and then set a purple rock in front of it and the scurried off – hoping to bring a smile to her life when she discovered it.
The next day was historically a day that I struggle with due to a vivid imagination that works for and against me. I felt a bit better after I had performed my solo performance art act. She may be my only audience member but I would be awfully shy if anyone else knew what I would do to show my devotion. It may not be traditional but I think that it works well for us.
My mother, on the other hand, isn’t talking to me but I am not even sure why. My dad has suggested that she may have some sort of Alzheimer’s just based on the messages he has been getting from her. He hasn’t actually spoken to her since she went to jail back in June of 2016 and I sent her to GA on a plane. I still feel guilty at times but know that it is the only chance that we have to live a stable life.
When I was younger, I had no idea that Tracy Chapman was female. I didn’t even question it.
Maybe if I told you the right words Ooh, at the right time you’d be mine
I want to learn to play the guitar so that I can sing her 90s country songs – how hard can that be?
One day she will ask me if I learned to play guitar just so I can sing her the next song. I was driving to Shreveport on my 7 hour drive somewhere in East Texas when I heard the line in this song that made me grin to myself – even though I was stuck listening to country music in the middle of no where. I love this song now.
I’m not really sure when it was but the last time time that this next song crossed my radio, I started to cry slightly and then I messed her about it.
When I see one of my snowflake obsidian rocks laying around, I think about how distraught I was just over 2 weeks ago. There I was, after a long day of helping a friend move. We had loaded a different friend’s truck full of trash that I was headed to go dump illegally at my old complex. My car had broken down the day before – so I knew that I better take advantage of my situation.
I stopped at my initials and saw the three rocks were still there, so I picked them up so they didn’t get left. One was a snow flake obsidian, one of a pyrite and I don’t remember the other one but it would have had some sort of protective property to make it into this mix. When I had set them there, I had known my time was running out.
When I turned left at the end of the street, I looked right and saw the Uhaul. I tried to distract myself as I approached my illegal activities. I pulled up to the dumpster, turned my lights out and started throwing trash bags into the dumpster. It filled up quicker than I thought. My friend met me there and unloaded her car as well and then we left back to go to my house – but I took a few detours. I knew that this may be my last chance with a vehicle for a while.
I didn’t have a plan but I had passion, I had fear, there was a sense of panic about me. As I approached the hill, I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out 2 of my largest snowflake obsidian rocks. I held them tightly and thought all of the important words. As I got close to her house, I slowed down. I had planned to throw them towards the Uhaul in hopes that she may see them the next day and think about me a little – I was hoping to provoke a smile on a day that I thought may be extremely difficult for her. When it was time, I shyly through the rocks barely past the road if even that – I was afraid of hitting anything once it came down to it – I wasn’t throwing rocks to cause damage, I was throwing rocks to make her smile.
I may never know if those 2 rocks made it into her drive way at all. I am sure that I will never bring it up but in all reality – that is something that I would do. It just crosses my mind – and I am so thankful that it was not much longer later before my faith in humanity was restored. I shouldn’t be so flakey on such a thing – in reality – I believed in the future the entire time but the world knows that I was sincerely scared and quite the asshole from what I was told. Amazingly enough those claims stopped around the time my spirits were lifted. I’m well aware that I should be better at controlling my emotions, but I’m not and there’s that.
I didn’t stop there – as I went up the hill, I decided to deliver more rocks. It must have been about bar closing time because people were walking around and getting rides to their cars. I pulled up at her work and shamelessly walked over to a curb that I felt might be noticed and set 2 rocks. one was an agate and one may have been a sodalite but that is a guess. It still wasn’t enough. I had to calm my desire for her attention before I could ever go home – so I decided that it was a romantic idea to go over to the back door that she tells me she uses. I set a necklace that I have had for a long time back in a little crack or sorts behind conduit and then I set one more purple rock near it to grab her attention.
I’d like to think that it was much more likely for her to see any of than than my black rocks on asphalt getting ran over by cars. …and that is my story as to where my mind goes when I see one of my snowflake obsidian polished rocks.
In unrelated news – last night as I was trying to say something incredibly intimate, I accidently included – and I fantasize about you often in not so many words. It was at least 3AM many hours later before that occurred to me. She has very much already replied to my confessions in the most positive way but that didn’t stop it from keeping me up for hours realizing just what all those words actually said.
That night my heart was still echoing Uninvited
When that song started playing the night that I was at the show – I had the most 90s moment that I don’t even think that most people will understand so I will explain it to myself as this entire site is just documentation.
Somewhere as the confusion set it, wondering why I had never heard these words before on one my absolute favorite albums of all time. In that moment, the sound clip from the start of Rufio’s Like A Virgin from Pop goes Punk played in my head.
Actual clip because that’s no help:
And well, if you don’t know Dogma, then you don’t know. But I watched her sign Uninvited with so many questions about life and in that second, I would have sworn that I had never heard it before – just because I did skip a few of the songs. Perfect was too slow and sad for me as a kid too – but Mary Jane was just fine.
But don’t you worry, it doesn’t take very many electrons to make this unstable isotopes do a 360.
