Author: She Says

But I Can’t Find My Shoes

• by She Says • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee •   Comments Off on But I Can’t Find My Shoes

I restarted going to the gym which means my whole body is sore. It was hard to sleep and I was tossing and turning. At some point I was able to dream:

I can’t say that I remember a whole lot. It seemed to be the same house that I always try to ride my bike past in my dreams. It feels very real in the moment but when I think about it right now, that house never existed and that path never existed so it must be the house that I check in my dreams, often.

The house is a two story house that is on a curve. The neighborhood resembles the one that I grew up in high school. I drive down the road to the pool and take a left and travel up hill slightly and curve to the left. The house in on the right down a long caliche driveway.

In this dream, I didn’t see most of that and there were additional features.

We were upstairs in her room, which it did not seem was shared with anyone. My brother and I were there and everything was normal. At some point the tone changed drastically and she told me that I should really go. It took me a moment to understand what was going on and then I could tell by her tone that she really needed me to leave. As if we were talking about someone that broke into the house, she says that she can hear him making food in the kitchen. I started to scramble to find my shoes but they were no where in sight. I checked two upstairs bathrooms and all other the bedroom but could not find my shoes. I was looking for my white reeboks with red on them, the shoes that I has actually been wearing that day in my waking life.

It was clear that she wasn’t coming with me and my brother had already walked out and was nearly to the car at this point. I went out a back door and down narrow wooden stairs. I walked barefoot across a large yard with dry yellow grass. I did not hurry and looked back at the house as I left waiting to see anything. I did not.

The cars were parked in this makeshift cinder bock tiny parking garage that fit about 5 cars. As we were leaving, an older brownish SUV backed out so aggressively, it ran over the car next to it monster truck style. In that moment, I thought they were coming for us but just drove away. We left as if nothing happened.

When I woke up, my body was stiff and well worse than it was before.

from: https://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/s2.htm

To dream that you are not wearing any shoes indicates that you have low self-esteem and a lack of confidence in yourself. You are dealing with issues about your self-identity. It also represents poverty, lack of mobility, or misunderstanding. Alternatively, to dream that you are not wearing shoes represent your playful attitudes and relaxed, carefree frame of mind. You have a firm grasp and good understanding on a situation. If you dream that you lose your shoes, then it suggests that you are searching for your identity and finding yourself.

but there’s a rainbow above you

• by She Says • In Astrology, Country, Folk Rock, Soft Rock •   Comments Off on but there’s a rainbow above you

Yesterday, I saw the eclipse with her and it was the most magical. Beyond what works could express. The clouds tried to get in the way but it quickly faded into a day that I could never forget.

Here’s some random songs that could be better:

Once I was driving and I saw the best shooting star just as the opening bars to this song played. I remember crying the softest tears to the piano.

I feel like this was a song that I originally learned at nap time from the country station:

So am I, so’s the future.. .. ..

• by She Says • In Rock •   Comments Off on So am I, so’s the future.. .. ..

Ten years ago yesterday, I started this website, as a place to write so that I would leave her alone. Tonight, we had the most amazing date that was so hard to walk away from. We stood there saying goodbye for at least 30 minutes and she gave me her favorite pop up book from her childhood and stole my heart all over again. She is really good at that. I am so beside myself with the greatest emotions.

This will need to be continued because I must meet her in dreamland.

Have you ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right?

• by She Says • In Pop, R&B, Soul music •   Comments Off on Have you ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right?

Today has been really difficult to hold it together. Last Tuesday was an emotional roller coaster and I still don’t know what’s going on, but I have a good idea.

The flame extinguisher is at it again and its far more serious than I can express here.

Then this song came on the radio when I was coming home from Jeremy’s house. I enjoyed it too much and then laughed at the thought – in 1998, this is certainly what I was listening to and I have some very nice archived tapes to prove it.

Around 1998, I was in middle school – enjoying cable TV in my own bedroom. Within a few years, I would be tying up the home telephone line for hours downloading these songs on Napster. That may have come a few years later.

I know the pieces fit

• by She Says • In Rock •   Comments Off on I know the pieces fit

This morning I woke up in a panic, wondering when that Tool concert was. I sent her a quick message, telling her to avoid Tool concerts because they were a trap and then I had to go to my computer to look up when they would actually be near and I couldn’t have surprised myself more – the show was tonight. So I proceeded to over think it all day and work myself up.

There is far too much to say about why I was absolutely crushed when I heard that Tool was going on tour. I never even looked up the dates so I have no idea how I was able to pinpoint it to the day but maybe it was just the way it felt. I am quite experienced with this pattern – I just hate it so much.

After driving around late at night, I heard a familiar song that took me back to a night in 2014 that felt so much more painful. I thought about how I convinced myself that there was no way that I would run into them in so many people. The moment I turned around from waiting for the tram with the people that I was with only to see them right there. I panicked then too and started walking back to the car, knowing they were following me the whole way. Those days are over and I just have to make sure they do not continue to repeat, I don’t think that either of us can take much more of this. I will fight for her in the softest ways I know how.

It never really mattered too much to me that they were just too damned blind to see

• by She Says • In Music, Soul music •   Comments Off on It never really mattered too much to me that they were just too damned blind to see

She sent me a selfie the other day from when she had gone to a party. She wore a necklace that I had given her so many years ago and paired it with a statement that absolutely filled my heart. I have been wildly shy since. She is far too pretty to be talking to someone like me but I will pause my life just to open doors for her. I can only hope that she is into this trade off. Wait until she finds out that I can fix her internet too. That is a big joke, I doubt my customer service skills or troubleshooting guesses can get me very far here – except that paycheck I depend so heavily on.

Once, a few years ago, my brother stopped me in the hall and asked me how I was going to ask her to move in with me if I was too shy to even talk to her. I felt it was a keen observation on his behalf and answered that I had lived with plenty of people that I didn’t talk to but that was a complete joke. I know that I will be able to get through such a ‘rough’ situation. After a week or two, I am certain that I will be able to handle being around such a pretty lady – nerds have a hard time with that.

Today, I have been trying to find ways tell her that no matter what, she will always be safe with me but I don’t really know how to put that in words in a normal way. How does one say – I do not subscribe to the societal ideal that people can kick people out of where they live.. For any reason. I think I am still a bit sad with that turn in my graphic novel. Suddenly Blue didn’t feel like the Warmest Color after all. The book was great and tugged at my heart strings in every direction. Made my life feel so much more normal for a minute until the story took a 360 and the darkest dive possible. I want to tell her that she is safe with me and that I would never let anything get between us but that doesn’t even sound believable if you have to state it. I’d like to think she already knows this but if I were her, I can’t say that I would be so sure of anyone in this world. If I need to create an ethical soundness resume, at least I have plenty of experience and references.

Here is a random, unrelated, song that I hear on 90s on 9 today. It is a blast from the past that I enjoyed hearing.

In the beginning it is always dark

• by She Says • In Dreams •   Comments Off on In the beginning it is always dark

Last night, I had a dream that she and I were in an upstairs bedroom somewhere and a black wolf jumped in through a picture window. When I was very young, I slept next to a large picture window that opened to my grandparents backyard. I was always afraid of something coming through that window.

The wolf looked just like Gmork in ‘The Neverending Story.’ In my dream, I grabbed it by the snout like I would with my dog and over powered. I was able to get it to a smaller window and show it through – only that window seemed to go down to a small room that was like a bathroom so someone had to come remove it for us.

Once the dream came back to me when I woke up, I found:

To see a wolf in your dream symbolizes survival, beauty, solitude, mystery, self-confidence and pride. You are able to keep your composure in a variety of social circumstances and blend into any situation with ease and grace. You are also a loner by choice. Negatively, the wolf represents hostility, aggression, or sneakiness. Dreaming that a wolf is attacking you reflects an uncontrollable situation or an all-consuming force in your life. This could point to an obsession, an addiction, a codependent or abusive relationship or something that is beyond your control.

I had gone to sleep quite happy shortly after receiving a sweet message where she asked if we could see each other today.