• byShe Says • InAstrology, Music, Pop • Comments Off on Listen to my voice, it’s my disguise. I’m by your side
Oh how does this random psychic say so many specific things? I can not possibly see so much meaning in every damn video I watch of hers. At first I was like, whatever, I’ll enjoy this adorable video and with to believe in it because it is fun and then she says a phrase that is on my stop me in my tracks list and I don’t know why she would say ‘right some wrongs’ but she did and it kinda of creeped me out. Is this a phrase people really used? It creeped me out the first time I hear it and it was a very impactful moment in my life – so I just chalk it up to being something I don’t really like to hear.
Well this random human on the internet that tells me about my love life is hilarious, so I am glad that she is at least entertaining because somehow she has captured my interest – but I would be hesitant to let anyone actually know that.
• byShe Says • InCountry, Music • Comments Off on If I didn’t love you I’d be good by now
This morning on the way to work, as I was reliving a moment in my my past over and over again, this song came on. Its the second time that I have heard it on the radio recently.
Today in my thought drifting – I ended up at a day that we spent at my house. One of the most passionate days in my life. As she melted into me, I tried my best to control myself and knew that she was already struggling with the intensity that we had found – so though that day, I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, it trickled out with a, “I care about your deeply” and I sure as hell still do.
Well – actually, the other song I heard may have been:
and then on the way back home on my lunch break – I heard one of those new country songs that kept me listening though I typically can’t stand these songs that all sound the same to me.
Now I get to use her famous line – I usually listen to harder music than this..
Until a few days ago, I had not even heard of this person before, but today I will decide to heart this message and I am quite confident that I felt all these ways already but its pretty interesting all the same – if anything, I know that my friend listens to me when I talk and hears messages in the universe that make me smile.
PM Update: I thought about these words all day and just wondered how and why – but just went on my day and reminded myself to stay present – work has been terrible but I get through it. Even if these are completely random videos, which I guess – they are, those words (probably) are no less untrue. I already believe all that alone, its just a reminder of my imagined other side – but strange to hear in random video all the same.
I’ve had the deepest things that I want to say to her but it would be out of no where – but that’s kind of my thing. I will work on writing something better and sending it soon.
Last update,
I scrolled back through her videos and picked one. It happened to be on my birthday, before I has seen any videos – and this is what I found:
I have been helping my friend work on her tarot website and during our building of the site and finding inspiration she had me watch some tarot readings. She had already seen this one but told me to go watch it because it was certainly for me – so I did.
She had already seen that one but knew that I would love it. A lot of those cards have come up in the past when we were playing around – well she knows what she is doing, I was just playing around and day dreaming.
This morning I decided to watch this girls new video. The one above was from yesterday.
Have you been half asleep And have you heard voices I’ve heard them calling my name Is this the sweet sound that call’s the young sailors The voice might be one and the same I’ve heard it too many times to ignore it Its something that I’m supposed to be Someday we’ll find it The Rainbow Connection
Some nights, when I catch myself listening to Sarah McLachlan, I want to tell her that all of her songs aren’t heart-wrenching, but I might actually be wrong about that. They do pull at my heart strings.
I’ll tell her when we are cuddled up in bed and Better than Chocolate is ending, then I will know that I have found my moment.
It’s been a long few days and I am just holding my breath and trying not to worry about her. She has been on vacation for a few days and I am not really sure how long she will be gone. I can’t imagine that her work would let her off for very long. I was doing just fine and we were exchanging messages each morning and night and then at some point yesterday Tam started to worry about her and ask me questions – Tam doesn’t know how to be soft and gentle with me – so she just starts throwing it all out there and telling me about random cards she pulled about M – she doesn’t even know her but I guess I radiate enough energy, all of my friends practically believe that she is my future gf as much as I do – so they treat her as such.
She started asking me a lot of questions about her vacation that I just didn’t have the answers to. She asked me if she was in control or was along for the ride – told me they seemed lost or confused about their destination. She asked me who she was with and I knew none of it. I explained to her that I don’t ask most questions because I trust her to tell me what she wants to tell me and I never want to make her feel like she has to lie to me – so I would rather just not know.
When she didn’t get online last night after my emotions were stirred a little, I tried not to let it bother me. I was out with my friends but grew heavily distracted when I didn’t hear from her – I thought it was ridiculous so I tried not to think much of it or bother her with my concerns. Tam’s words were just all coming back to me and I started to wonder if there was any truth in it. A vacation where he and she are travelling by car is the last thing my nerves need right now, but instead of talking about the way I dig myself into emotional holes – I will just remain calm and watch vigilantly.
Today, I needed a song from 1991 because I noticed that my word cloud at the bottom of the page was not even – we will blame the retrograde or something. I should be asleep – its 9:15 AM – but I have been logging into work early to cover for people, I am logged out until 10 currently.
I realized why I have no songs from 1991 – they are all pretty terrible, except this one.
Last Tuesday, I went to karaoke and this is the song of the night. I watched the words as they scrolled down the screen. It was one of those moments – where I had heard the song so many times, thousands on this one – but that night – one week ago, I felt like I was writing the words as they displayed.
The lengths that I will go to The distance in your eyes Oh no I’ve said too much
Trying to keep up with you And I don’t know if I can do it Oh no I’ve said too much I haven’t said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing I thought that I heard you sing I think I thought I saw you try
Every whisper, of every waking hour I’m choosing my confessions Trying to keep an eye on you Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool Oh no I’ve said too much I set it up
Consider this Consider this the hint of the century Consider this the slip That brought me to my knees, failed What if all these fantasies come Flailing around Now I’ve said too much
But that was just a dream That was just a dream
I have always known it was a gay song, well I am quite sure its historical anyway – but last Tuesday, it meant more to me.
Last month, I found myself helping a friend move – looking for a distraction, but somehow it brought me right back to the middle of it all. That may have been due to my series of choices, but I remember that night like it was yesterday. It was full of fear and pain that has since dissipated.
My friend had borrowed a truck for me to use so that I could continue helping her move after my car had broken down the night before. We had already had a plan that I was going to take a load of trash to my old house. When I made this plan, I didn’t have enough forward thinking to realize what I could have avoided.
Maybe my car broke down for a reason, so that I couldn’t find myself pacing my favorite street – by now with tears in my eyes and the songs growing more and more grey. I had been stopping there on my way home from work – I guess that was the last time I went to work too.
On my way to drop off the trash, I stopped at my initials – picked up the three rocks that I had left there and continued on my way. I actually do not know it I left any there that night because it was the last time I visited that spot. I went to my old house, turned my head lights out, climbed into the truck like it was 2005 again (I have done plenty of slightly terrible shit) and just started filling up the dumpster with trash that wasn’t there’s. My friend showed up and emptied her car too and we planned to meet back at my house. I must have glanced up the street when I had turned left at the end of my favorite street because I knew that there was a Uhaul in her driveway and I was trying to hold it all together. I knew it was coming but it put me in a panic just to see it. By this time of night, it was late. When I left the trash dumpster, I knew the path I was going to take and decided that I needed to find 2 snowflake obsidian crystals in my pocket and gently throw them at the uhaul in hopes that she would find them the next day. I may never know if she did – she may tell me about it someday. BUT I didn’t stop there – I knew that I had to stop one more place. It must have been around 2 AM because the college kids were getting rides back to their cars. I shamelessly parked in front of her work and walked over to where I expected her to park- all of this could make me creepy as hell but as I continued to check, I was told that it’s romantic if they like it – I am still not sure I can tell the difference but I was attempting to show my ut most dedication in the most delicate ways and though visiting people’s work is usually not sanctioned, I think that we have a unique relationship and I believe it to me okay. After I placed the rocks on the curb thing, I still could not relax so I walked over to the back door just to look at it.
As I stood there, I put my hand in my pocket to see what other rocks I could hid and to my surprise, I found a necklace that I had picked up off the ground earlier that day. It was a rock necklace that I had originally obtained on ebay but felt that it was nearly perfect – it was most likely purchased for her to began with but I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself so I keep most of what I want to get her. Especially since I rarely get to see her – but I tucked the necklace back behind some conduit and then set a purple rock in front of it and the scurried off – hoping to bring a smile to her life when she discovered it.
The next day was historically a day that I struggle with due to a vivid imagination that works for and against me. I felt a bit better after I had performed my solo performance art act. She may be my only audience member but I would be awfully shy if anyone else knew what I would do to show my devotion. It may not be traditional but I think that it works well for us.
My mother, on the other hand, isn’t talking to me but I am not even sure why. My dad has suggested that she may have some sort of Alzheimer’s just based on the messages he has been getting from her. He hasn’t actually spoken to her since she went to jail back in June of 2016 and I sent her to GA on a plane. I still feel guilty at times but know that it is the only chance that we have to live a stable life.
When I was younger, I had no idea that Tracy Chapman was female. I didn’t even question it.
Maybe if I told you the right words Ooh, at the right time you’d be mine
