Author: She Says

What she said meant even more

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Once in a while, the first cassette tape I owned comes up. These songs were on mine.. Very impressively, my brother then walks into the other room and oddly found his first tape. I still think mine was better. Its hilarious to know which song I chose it because of.

I laugh, I love, I hope, I try

I hurt, I need, I fear, I cry

And I know you do the same things, too

So we’re really not that different, me and you

This is my heart bleeding before you

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Today, as I picked my patterns apart, I questioned why the holidays are so painful for me. Words echoed in my heart and it started to make sense. My childhood was what most would consider less than ideal. When my aunt was talking me though whatever situation I was dealing with – she would tell me that one day I would have my own family to celebrate Christmas with, I don’t know exactly what she would say but it would give me hope for the future.

Now that I am here, I am terrified that time will pass me by and all I want is my own family.

Like a bolt out of the blue

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Last night, as I was driving home on a old dark road, I approached a stop sign and as I did – the brightest star seemed to fall right in front of me. My brother commented about it and I turned down the radio to make a wish. I know that he was questioning what I was doing at first but I think he realized it quickly.

I have been making the exact same wish since I saw a star fall down over her house as I walked to Torie’s Halloween party that first year. I am quite sure that she was in San Francisco at the time.

It started with me wishing for her true happiness and then ended with something like – even if it’s not with me – mainly because I wanted her to really love me, not just become a wish fulfilment – not that that is even real but I wasn’t about to take my chances.

Well last night, I was finally secure enough to say, ‘and if it’s with me, even better.’ I guess I felt comfortable enough knowing that if she does love me, its probably not because of all the star that I have wished upon for her to find what truly makes her happy… and well the next thing I did was rush to vaguely mention it to her.

More random information about how soft my life has become: As I drove to work today, I found my thoughts drifting to somewhere I didn’t even see coming, which lead to: “But I only want to be her emergency contact.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at myself and wonder what the hell goes on in my head.

But in the end if I’m with you. I’ll take the chance

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Cause It’s always raining in my head

Best part of this post is the truck behind Aaron Lewis. I used to have a ’72 Ford that looked just like it, though it never ran in my lifetime. It had been stored for many years and the transmission had been stolen while in storage. I thought that as a 15 year old child, i was going to figure that right out and as I found out that even in the year 2000, it was not easy to come by an engine for a 1972 truck. I’m not sure what happened to it but it was probably given away one I realized I could not do more than sit in it and listen to the radio and boy did I ever. It had a very specific smell in it, I think my dad would laugh and say ‘yeah varnish’ if I mentioned it. I still don’t really understand if gas turns into varnish but if I were to say that outload my male family members would wonder how I get by in life – the good thing is, no one ever calls into the helpdesk at work asking why 1972 trucks smell weird inside.

I decided to look into this and fuck… how does he know so much – I still don’t understand but yes.. varnish..