Today – I have felt completely predictable. Upon my own behalf and from hers as well. Last night we ended up in a conversation where she told me that she didn’t work at her same job anymore due to the virus shit. That’s about all I feel comfortable calling it these days. I was in my kitchen when I read the message and I felt my heart sink. I don’t know why it scares me that she lives and works with him – it just makes me feel like I will never get to see her again and that is the realest fear in my heart.
I know that she loves and and I usually know that she wants me too. My insecurity game runs hard and when he is involved, I practically just admit defeat because I never want to cause her trouble and I never really understand but I do understand that it tears at my heart no matter how hard I try to control it.
My pills only do so much good. Busying myself only helps for so long. Sending her what I would consider to be intimate messages will just have to do. I will continue to pour out my heart and continue if my words are welcome. My master plan seems to be full of holes but all that matters is that she has what she wants and I can’t even say that I am sure of that.
The song that I am adding tonight is more of a compilation of the past, not complete relevant currently but I love it so it is the night’s theme.
I would imagine I mentioned in my last entry that I got a huge splinter, passed out a few times and was taken to the hospital by a friend – in the middle of the Covid-19 shit, which I can’t even stand the word so I only type it for clarity. I had to get a tetanus shot and the spot still hurts on my arm. I guess it had been about a day and a half now but today I start getting a terrible head ache as the rain came in. I reminded myself it could be allergies, it could be pressure change – but of course IT COULD BE COVID-19!
This shit is crap because everyone is all over the place about it. My county is up to 42 cases which statistically sounds really small mathematically, but I remind myself that those are confirmed cases and everything just seemed to always be changing so I can’t even believe anything. I am just staying home and going to the grocery story every few weeks when my dad can take me. A few people have been coming over to my house, but I guess I will see how that ends up for me. Going to the hospital is the move that I would not have made if I could help if and its more than embarrassing that I went for a splinter, but I was freaking the fuck out.
The more I thought about it – this would have never happened when I was poor before I had health insurance. If my brother was home, when I passed out, he would have removed it – saving me the hospital visit, the $150 co pay and possibly any infectious diseases I could have contracted from walking through those doors. But he was not – and the person around me was not someone I need performing medical tasks on my sleeping body, so to the dirty hospital we go. It was actually completely empty. I was screened at the door. It was the fastest visit I have ever had – so around here we are actually doing pretty good compared to most people.
When checking the news, it says 4 people remain hospitalized and 10 have recovered. There were some tents set up to the side of our hospital and from what I understood from people later is that is where they had the Covid-19 patients at. The problem was that I only had ibuprofen at my house and I read some crap that it could cause complications if you were to get the virus – so just to be safe I didn’t want to take it but after my head ache was throbbing and I decided I was more likely to be having side effects to the tetanus shot than anything else, I took the medicine, talked to the woman I love and cried sweetly to her about how much extra attention I needed – and thankfully the medicine kicked in and started working because I am the worst when it comes to feeling bad. I used to get sick a lot but now that I have changed jobs, I really haven’t been sick at all. I had been working in the same building for 15 years before – there is no telling what was going on in that old moldy thing.
On to the song, an internet friend of mine, Bree, of which I met around 2004, introduced me to Doria Roberts. The song tonight comes from her album, Restoration and is the only one I have actually listened to but to my completionist partner, she will be happy to know that I listed to it from start to finish many times. And note to future self; I meant future partner – just slips sometimes. That woman I love. whatever it is that I should say.
Before the song starts, I want to say that she was more like 1000 miles away – but I survived somehow and she came back and my life is so much fuller with her in it. She is currently six blocks away in the least creepy way of saying that, which is less than half of a mile according to the internet. I just want to run to her. I haven’t seen her in so long – but I remind myself – I am lucky to have her in my life and then I continue being grateful, but today I was feeling so sick, scared and alone, it was pretty bad. She found a way to comfort me. I have never believed in metaphysics more in my life.
Basically, I hope she is my twin flame. I’m not even scared.
Doria Roberts – Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought (1999)
• byadmin • InWords • Comments Off on Four Hours Until 6 Years Old
Tomorrow marks six years since I started writing here. Since I appreciate the historical value or any information, I had to go back and read my first post once again. I don’t remember that day well. We must have been walking. When I read this, I feel like it must have been near our intersection – which is just some random intersection that we happened to meet at each time we walked to each other. I am sure I cried so hard that day. Little did I know that it was the first in many days that I just wouldn’t l wouldn’t know how to handle.
The one that I handled the best was the most recent. I don’t think that I completely believed her and I was walking on the square downtown during lunch and for all I knew she could see me from the bakery she had been working at. I still remember the words from that text that arrived on July 27, 2017. The words she used gave me a cult like chill – but I knew better to think too far into it. I knew she did not want me meddling in her personal life and I did my best to respect that. As I sulked away, believing it wouldn’t last long – I had no idea that it would be more than a year before I would hear from her again.
She actually told me that she gave someone my number for a website somewhere in there and that was good enough for me, I was just happy that she knew my number still…
Then time past. I got laid off. Went into a pretty decent depression and my brother was freaking the fuck out – drugs were involved. When I felt like I was at my breaking point, she popped back up. Since then, I have decided that I will hang into every word she said and jump without looking back. I am without reservation when it comes to this lady and if it hurts a little along the way, I am perfectly fine with that.
I tell myself that I am going to marry her one day – and I hope she believes it too. It’s the first time in my life that I have ever considered such a thing – and I am sure that it is anything but expected – but I stopped caring about that long ago.
• byadmin • InMedical • Comments Off on Don’t Go to the ER
…I went to the ER.
I haven’t really posted through any of this Covid-19 stuff but after today’s events – I guess I will. We have been working from home for two weeks now and I have officially hurt myself while on the clock.
The story varies because one should not admit to many people that they were staining wood with a rag in-between phone calls when suddenly a sliver of wood penetrates my thumb and then breaks off when I try to remove it. Since we are on stay-at-home orders, I plan to fix this mistake on my own. Well – I ask a friend to kindly pull it out with tweezers which was easier said than done. We decided it must be cut out and I sent her to get the only razor blade that I could think of and as she returned, I fainted. I didn’t pass out once, but twice, so on to the ER we went. In the end I am left with realizing that for that $150 I could have probably just bought a new fish tank stand instead of staining my old one but if I ever get a compliment on that this – this story will come to mind.
If I get the virus – this little stunt may be the reason. With that said, I think I am supposed to shower when I get home and I did’t. I had to get a tetanus shot and the multiple shots of lidocaine were killer. I was screaming and cursing and it was anything but calm and collected. They were quick and nice. I was screened for covid-19 symptoms before I could even go inside. I didn’t see another patient the whole time I was in there.
The last week and a half has been incredibly frusterating for me. After my car broke down late at night, with help from my dad, I had it towed to my house. After 2 people have messed with in for over 4 days off and on, I am back to waiting until the weekend for the hope that something will go right. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be looking for a new car soon – and I have that feeling.
I have been fortunate to have plenty of people willing to help me get back and forth to work. With my job, I am completely prepared to work from home at any given moment. Just a few days ago, I picked up four hours that I was able to work from home to cover for another employee. Where that becomes a bad thing is when my car is broken, I am struggling so get up the courage to ask my boss if I can work from home for a few days and he declines.. because he doesn’t want people to take advantage of it. He knows damn well my car is very broken – so that translates to that he has no control of the team, to me.
I had a performance review with said boss today and he had nothing but positive and kind feedback. He paused to try to come up with something that needed improving and laughed his way out of the fact that he had none. He told me that I was up for a promotion but that we didn’t get the raises until September. I will almost feel bad if I am the only one that gets promoted out of the 3 of us in the position but I guess that’s what it’s like when you are working on such a small team.
As I floated my way through my day dream – I joked with myself on the way to a bathroom break later in the day; “Now if my future-girlfriend would just promote me.” I can’t imagine that she would know that I call her that but it’s been going on for way longer than I would be willing to admit. Calling her my ex gf would be completely confusing. I try not to even refer to her by her first name most of the time because of this one time this one thing happened. Basically, if she has ever raised her voice even the slightest when talking to me, I immediately attempted to stop doing whatever it was I was doing to cause that. Then I remind myself that life was a lot different back then but I just try to keep my excited girl self quiet HOWEVER the need to refer to my future girlfriend comes up now and then and that’s what comes out.
The first time someone hears me say it they ask questions like, “…What?!?” Then I simply give a sentence or two statement and act like it’s completely normal. Then I just accuse them of not understanding lesbians if they even think twice about it.
Later in the day, a friend called me on the phone. We talked about a site that I am working on for his job and we moved on to him offering me a place to stay if need be when the time comes. I should handle these situations better because I never do it right but somewhere in there I said that I wasn’t looking for a roommate because my girlfriend would be moving in with me at some point. It just slipped out because.. I didn’t really think that he knows much about my life and just seemed easiest but suddenly he got really excited for me and I had to explain that I had no explanation as to why I said that… but she was just still my future girlfriend. Who needs labels anyway. she knows that she is my love and I think that’s all that matters.
And when we meet Which I’m sure we will All that was there Will be there still
• byadmin • InFolk, Folk Rock, Music • Comments Off on I’ve got the memory of your warm skin in my hands
When Ani announced her tour this year, I looked at the tour dates and picked Meow Wolf or Lake Tahoe to attempt to attend. Both are over 500 miles from my house – one 3 times that. With the budget and inability to see my love, the plans fell through but here is Swan Dive from a show I dreamed of attending.
It’s also a song that’s really special to me from an album that I have grown to love.
The other night I made this art as the second piece in a series that I call Ani DiFranco Paint Splatter. It was displayed on my Deviant Art account.
• byadmin • InWords • Comments Off on Digital Dismemberment
“…and in this case, the word digital is referring to fingers.” The district attorney said as he bent his index finger. A word that seemed so common suddenly haunted me. It will be 3 years ago on the 15th that I sat in that room and listened to the gory detail. I knew that it was affecting me and I knew that I didn’t want to eat lunch that day but I didn’t realize that it may have affected a little more.
Eventually I was able to block it out and stop thinking about every detail that I did my best to keep to myself. I wonder if my psychiatrist has already hear the details from someone else that has had to hear them. I had almost forgotten about the smirk in her mugshot that just exacerbated my hate for her. The realization that my mother could have killed me in some psychotic rage so many times in my life really put a lump in my throat. But that had all faded…
Until about two weeks ago when the murderous mother’s capital murder trial started. It wasn’t very publicized and I fear that there could be more details that others will have to stomach – but I realize, if they knew in March of 2017, then I probably already know everything. I read the articles as they were posted. My closest friends talked me about it because they knew that it was a case that was all too close to my tunnel vision little mind. The photos of her changes and at least now she looked uncomfortable. How could she do that and then smile? How does the child’s grandfather feel. Is the father surviving? It has been over 3 years since their baby was taken away from them – my family would have been destroyed if something had happened to my brother and I through out all of the domestic issues.
It takes me right back to that room, where we turned and looked up at the TVs mounted on the wall. We were listening to the 911 call but staring at an audio player. We were all fixated on the green line bouncing with the voice. She tells them that she killed her daughter on the phone. No one in that room could handle what they were hearing that day.
Since I have trailed off finding this quote, I will leave it hear and quit talking about the loss of this baby. When I searched her name I found articles as far as the UK talking about how horrid her smirking mugshot was. It’s not the expression itself, its after being paired with the crime that makes it unbelievable. If it were fiction, then the writers would be doing a great job of grasping my emotions but since it is not that is all I will say about that.
“A case like this leaves an unforgettable mark on everyone involved, especially the child’s family.” he said. “Every law enforcement member who worked on this case will forever be traumatized by what Ms. Villanueva did to her innocent daughter. I commend all the investigators and officers who endured this horror with calm professionalism so that justice could be done.”
