The silence is always so loud in my head. My sister left today and Ducthess, my pup, seems really sick. Today in a meeting with my boss, she told me that I may not be able to tell yet but something really amazing will happen to me. Shes not known for being caring around the work place so when she says positive things, its pretty meaningful.
People have been acting a bit strange around me lately. It makes me wonder what my facial expressions or body language is saying. Yesterday when I was standing in line to buy a sandwich, turtle food, fish food and dog food; an older lady that was standing in front of me turned to me and asked what time it was, after she had checked out. For the record, it would have said on her receipt, but I looked at my phone and politely answered. She thanked me very kindly, but it was the extreme eye contact and sincere smile that I found odd. It felt as if she was trying to tell me something and it had nothing to do with the time. She wasn’t the type of person that I would expect to talk to me.
A few days before that, a woman got out of her car at the gas station to walk over to me and give me a pamphlet on God. It’s just been a weird week. This entry will have to be cut short because my friend is in the hospital and has to get surgery in the morning. She just called and wants me to go stay the night with her there. I have never slept in a hospital before. There’s always a first for everything.
Tonight an album that I used to listen to a lot crossed my mind. It was called Restoration by Doria Roberts. It doesn’t seem like I can find most of my favorite songs from that cd but ‘Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought‘ (Listen to) was the song that I thought about when I looked at the clock and say that it was 3 am, but it was a completely different song that I was actually thinking of. I ended up listening to ‘Thinking of You‘ (YouTube) which was.. not something I was specifically looking for but suiting.
Doria Roberts is most famous for her song ‘Perfect‘ and is one of my all time favorites.
The song that lead me to thinking about all of the above songs was actually called ‘Dying Man’s Wish‘ (YouTube) and I was completely wrong about the lyrics that made me think of it all from the start. The line is “It’s 5 AM and I’m drinking coffee with my girlfriend.” It was only 3 AM so… I should have been thinking about Matchbox 20 all along.
I have no idea why that song is titled that. I feel like I am going to be awake for a while.
Getting out of bed in the morning is always the hardest part. Maybe I should change the time that I have been taking my medicine. People say it can make a difference. I strolled into work a casual 20 minutes late but no one complained. Luckily, last Thursday I went straight into work and took the next available day off. Thank you last week me for knowing that this week me would still not want to have anything to do with work. It’s almost like I have been here before and I just don’t want to see another self fulfilled prophecy, so I can’t even talk about that, but I plan on doing things a lot differently.
Last time I felt like I had lost everything that I had dreamed about for so long, I went a little… wild. I was on a search for something that is not easy to find and I went about it all the wrong way for so long. In about 2012 I had realized that it just wasn’t working for me and quit dating ladies.. I actually hadn’t called anyone my girlfriend since 2009, until I met her.
She called me her girlfriend first, and since I wasn’t trying to find myself in some weird embarrassing situation, I was sooo clear. I had asked her if we were actually together, you know, before I went and told the whole world. It was a Saturday, it was slow at work, and I actually posted it on facebook and oh did my friends react.. I never told her but she’s not on facebook and would probably have considered it all silly anyway. (To see the reactions) The first one to comment was a girl that I had started to talk to briefly in May. I had actually been at her mother’s benefit the day that I had met said lady. Every time i wear those jeans and button up shirt together, i think of that day. The shoes that I were wearing haven’t been worn since about that time. Maybe they didn’t make me feel sophisticated enough for her.
The point of thinking about that was that, I never changed my relationship status away from that. In July when she broke up with me, I left it stay the same for a while. My friend Amber said that if I didn’t change it I would look crazy.. So I made it private. I’m sure that’s less crazy. Now, every time I open my facebook, on the right it says “In a relationship” and I get just a little sad thinking about how absolutely excited I was when I believed that I had everything I had been dreaming about.
Which leads me to thinking about how she just made my heart flutter so much by just walking in the door less than a month ago. Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the yellow flowers. It does mean friendship, after all. They were the ones standing out like my animation reference. The denial was too strong. The fantasy was also. We have a way of seeing what we want to and ignoring the rest.
She is someone that I would tight rope walk on the bendy line of my out stretched morals while reminding myself to quit looking down so I’m not so afraid of falling. I am scared of heights but no afraid of falling.
Now if I can just convince myself to leave her alone until she wants to have me back in her life. Until then I am making changing to make sure I am easier to deal with. She shouldn’t have to deal with me and my jealousy.
If the question ever arises, “Why would I spend time messing with a website that no one may see?” The answer is simple: Someone may read it, and it may make a difference, specifically referring to only one person of course. And if not, what do I have to lose? It’s my attempt to do a little better about that walking away so tough and never looking back thing. I only expected it to last a few weeks but it seems that I never even made it to the first step.. for me to shut the heck up. It seems impossible. The forces at be are more powerful than my amazing will power.. That’s all.
I went up to Austin to busy myself. Went to Central Market to meet Jenn for lunch. She wanted to know how things were going with us. The last she heard I was gushing about how great things were and how I thought things were going to be different this time. She had always seen something in us, ever since she met us at the party. It’s always nice to have people that encourage something that turned out to be so controversial.
While I was at Central Market, I stumbled into the isle that had all things that smell good. There may have been 2 or 4 isles. It got pretty over whelming. I knew exactly what I was looking for and had no idea all at the same time. Would you have found it endearing? This is something that I asked myself as I continued to search for the smell that I knew would bring me some peace. Why do I have to admit to being so weird? Why am I so open about all of this? No one would imagine how closed and scared that I tend to be. Okay, maybe someone would notice how scared I get. Back to my venture to determine, “What is that fragrance that I associate with her?” I never found it. After I developed a head ache from smelling every essential oil and natural bar of soap, I wondered off to the bathroom to go before I drove home. In my moment of weakness, I sent one of those shameless texts… Never expecting an answer, but thinking about how nice it would be if it was just that easy. Smells are powerful.. All that psychology and stuff. Since I have nothing left to lose but dignity (ha who am i kidding?) my bracelet still has that smell to it slightly. These are things that I am far too tough to think about ever, but I suppose you make me secure in my femininity, if it can even be called that.
After that I stopped at Goodwill on Lamar and bought this pretty cool camera thing for a bike. It has a fisheye lens on it and a strap. Once I got home, Lauren and her new girlfriend came over. Honestly, it reminded me of when we used to hang out with her and Rachel. Today no matter what I did to distract myself, I was left — with my mind somewhere else. I was determined to come back and write about something happy.
This post was an attempt of — something — but I am pretty sure I was all over the place with my tense and did a horrible job at expressing myself.
Today I spent a few moments in immature thinking land. While visiting I thought things like:
..Well I guess I didn’t buy the right car after all. (haha WTF is wrong with me)
..Damn Nine Inch Nails coming to concert and messing my whole life up. (Really?)
and the exceptional gem:
..I must have pissed the wrong guy off in high school. (Probably but I don’t think it lead to this)
There are equally absurd and I know that in my heart that she wouldn’t stop talking to me over a car. If it was about the Nine Inch Nails concert comments, then it was just the final straw, it wasn’t my first jealous outburst. As far as the guy part.. who knows, he may have been like “fuck that bitch,” I can’t say that I have ever been very popular with men. Especially in high school.. that was a really rough time for me and at least some of the people that live with her did not make that any better. In all reality, that would be just as crazy as the other two options but these are things that go through my head along with way too many other things.
Today I thought about the Saturday that she went to a party in San Antonio and how she said, “Oh I just assumed that you would go with me,” but I had to work. That was in person later followed by a text saying that her friends would’t let her stay home.. that day circled in my head for a while today.. I always came back to the same question, “What would have happened if I would have skipped work to go?”
I was just always waiting to go somewhere or do something with her but every time that I thought ‘this’ would be the time, something would change. It’s hard not to think that I was doing something wrong, but she was convincing the last night we were able to talk. She left me believing that it was never due to a lack of caring.. which means more than I can explain.
Updated: March 2018, Image, tags, embedded video link
As I walked back to my bedroom from the kitchen, the pumpkin caught my eye. We bought pumpkins to carve back in October when we were having a good moment. She had to go out of state and there they sat waiting to be carved. The one I bought was bigger, something happened to it and it started to rot around Christmas. I haven’t really gone near it in a while, but there’s a pumpkin sitting in there. Interestingly enough, now that I write about it, I am reminded of a pumpkin that I had in Kyle under similar circumstances. It would probably even appear in the background of photos I had taken at the time. There are too many similarities between the two ladies who have caught my attention, right now to the way they disappeared so gracefully from my life after making it such a wonderful place.
This morning started with the worst physical pain, but eventually I pulled myself out of bed with enough time to get ready, buy drinks for work from the gas station and log into my computer on time. My manager asked me how I was feeling, she seemed concerned and I felt like everyone was talking to me like I was a delicate egg about to crack. I wondered what people noticed when I ran out yesterday before lunch. It’s not like my manager doesn’t know that I am sensitive. She has called me that before.. I always took offense to the word until I heard her refer to her dad as being a sensitive artist, ever since then, I have worn the adjective with pride. Sensitive is not what you want to be when someone kindly explains to you that things just can’t be.
It’s not hard to see that she did it for me. What’s hard to grasp is why it has to be that way. I’ve always been great at living in an alternate universe, denying reality, and I was pretty good at it. In the 15 years that I have know wholeheartedly that I was a lesbian, not once did I ever consider dating a woman that had a boyfriend. When I thought I was being really “Progressive” I would act like I was going to mess around with a girl that had a boyfriend, just trying to act tough, but I never actually went through with it, until it was accidental.
She had all my respect from day one, before I even knew her story, before I ever felt her love. I never wanted to pry or to get into her business. There’s been insecurity and jealousy issues in my past. Since I didn’t even feel I needed to ask her age or sexual orientation, you can imagine, “Are you in a relationship?” never came up. Today in the car on the way back to work from my lunch break, a George Strait song, “She’ll Leave You With A Smile,” came on the radio, listening to it had never felt the way it did today. For lyrics and the song click the respective links. There was only that one line at the end that really hurt reminding me of the reality.. but it was completely accurate.. it was all worth it. It hurts like hell, but I know she’s trying to make it simpler on all of us, even though I would prefer the more difficult past. Not all people are as masochistic. I would face the pain of being away from here every day if she’d let me. The disappointment would fade eventually when she would tell me that she couldn’t stay or blow me off.
My friends seem to appreciate her decision to cut me off. Something I don’t agree with at all, but once again, who am I to judge. This is all too familiar. I have already felt like this before. With some help I was strong enough to let her walk away, because things just couldn’t happen that way. Last night was the first time I took my new medicine. I really hope that it doesn’t make me feel so sick again. She said that it would take three weeks. There’s a part of me that feels like I am giving in and taking medicine that I don’t want to be taking. It almost seems shameful, but then again, I just did a lot of things… that – I wouldn’t normally do. The doctor was very convincing, they always are. From what I remember about last time, it helped when I really needed it. There’s a generic now so it’s affordable so.. we shall see. Looks like I join corporate america more and more every day.
There’s something endearing to be able to look back at a total mess and know that the person you love had the best of intentions. I’m appreciative of all of the time that I got to spend with her and I can only have faith that I will see her again. It’s very rare that I find anyone that I feel like this about.. and every time, they seem to have a man that feels the same way about them. It doesn’t seem to ever turn out in my favor. Not that this kind of thing happens all of the time, but when I fell in love in 2006, by 2008 she had left me to date some guy that looked like her ex boyfriend. Amazingly enough she was engaged to said ex boyfriend before I ever knew that she wasn’t dating girlfriend steal-er anymore.
When it’s time to talk about more tragic lesbian stories, I will have to talk about how I got to find out about such said engagement. The feeling that I experience that day in front of her unknowing sister felt pretty similar to the day that I read my new love’s craigslist post 6 months after meeting her, in which it explained he was in a relationship with a man for over 5 years. It was unfortunate that I had dated her and fell so quickly for her just the 6 months prior.. It’s a sickening feeling for a dedicated lesbian that can hardly imagine straight sex.. honestly. But she meant to much to me, I tried to get over that, though it appears that I drove her off because I just don’t know how to be friends with benefits.. I am more of a lover with feelings kind of lady. Who knew it could make life so difficult at times.
The work day did not go well. Every song on the radio was suddenly speaking to me. I made it all the way to my second call before my caller shared her first name with my heart breaker. I hadn’t cried yet. It was just before lunch when my manager decided to monitor my phone calls and nit pick me at the wrong time. The calls come in back to back so when she wants to give me feedback she just walks over and starts talking to me over my caller, as if I can hear what they are both saying. It’s like, “Don’t let anything distract you from your caller, unless it’s me.” But anyway, she pointed out that I ‘didn’t even attempt’ to sell them tv service or cell phone service. That’s where I would stop and argue if I thought it would get me anywhere.. Oh I attempted, I am sure that it was there in the back of my mind somewhere, but there was no appropriate moment in conversation to fit it in without sounding like a complete tool.
So after she tells me about how I can’t do my job right and reminds me to be consistent, I can’t do much to keep me from just busting into tears. Over the last 5 months, work has become increasingly more stressful. They disbanded the department that I was working in and decided that we were all going to sales. I am no sales person. I can’t even sell myself to the woman that I love. Three more calls come in before lunch, my voice quivered and if anyone was paying attention they would have known how hard I was fighting back the tears.
Over the last 8 years I have learned to stay pretty professional under pressure, call centers will teach you that. It was more than I could take today, so I said I was sick and just left. There’s a good chance that my manager was listening to my next calls too. Who knows what she thought.
Yesterday after I came home from talking to her, I went to a friend’s house because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t say a word. One of the two women present liked to poke fun at the whole thing. It wasn’t something I was ready to face or talk about. It must have been apparent that something was wrong. My friend asked if anything had happened with my grandma or if i had lost my job. That made me feel like I wasn’t looking so good and, well, I already know that I don’t have a poker face. They made me tell them and I simply muttered out that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. They seemed to understand where she was coming from and respect her for having the courage to walk away from me. There’s no way to fully understand but I am trying so hard to.
When I was driving home and Selena Gomez’s song caught my attention, I was even more disappointed than when I liked the Wrecking Ball video. My super cool chick would have been so disappointed in my sell out self. Too bad she’s not around to show me good music anymore.
I woke up feeling like I was hungover without even drinking the night before. I can’t even remember when I drank last. I feel like she means well and wants to watch out for me, but instead, I just feel like I have a bunch of bricks on my chest. I don’t even want to go to work. I cried in front of my friends last night..
