Author: admin

I’ve got your picture, he’s got you.

• by admin • In Music, Nashville Sound, Traditional Pop •   0

When I suddenly ended up with more free time than I knew what to do with, my friends tried to help.  Maddie had heard me talk about records.  I didn’t know much about them.  It was only in the last year that I ever sat down and listened to a record.  When she saw my interest peak, she gave me a small Jensen record player that she had extra.  It had internal speakers and she thought it sounded like shit.  I showed her the connections on the back and told her how to hook up real speakers to it but since she already had a better one, she said it was all mine.

I have collected some records from half priced books and bought a few from my friend that used to own the hemp store downtown.  Torie gave me my most recent record.  It’s called The Original 22 Countrypolitan hits.  It’s about as emotional as the greatest hits of Eddie Arnold that I bought because I used to listen to it with my grandma in the car.  I guess I had never had my heart broken at that time because I hear a lot more in these songs now.

I would be lying if I said each of those didn’t make me think of someone and cry just the slightest tear.

Staring at the bottom of your glass, Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Indie Folk •   1

I have been trying so hard – to love her the right way.  It isn’t ever easy loving someone that you can’t be with, but it gets even harder when you have to face the reasons why you can’t.

Yesterday I spent a few moments complaining to my best friend from high school, that I was certain her boyfriend is Charlie and I explained how I came to that conclusion. I think her response was something along the lines of, “Jen.. what did you think paying attention would get you?” So I listened and I remembered, I typed some words in youtube and I watched every video that I found on that channel.  Well only most of them, and then followed that up by an explanation to her via email. I am so nerdy sometimes.

I just said, “Amy.. I am sure she is dating Charlie… and I am pretty certain that he is the one that won’t even let her be part of my life…”  If anyone knows that I have difficulty making real connections with people, its her.  She’s been my best friend since about 1997.. around the same time that I met Charlie.  I am pretty sure that he was in my computer lit class.. the last year that I had a crush on a boy.  It was 7th grade.

When you grow up in the middle of no where going to a conservative ass school… you get to know the people you grow up with.  If the guys you live with dont know who I am, its only because they are so full of them selves and stuck up, they have forgotten or something.

She asked, “Does he know that it is you that he is saying that she can’t talk to?”  Like I know.. but she was just as shocked.  I don’t know why I feel so entitled to be in contact with my friends that mean the most to me… but people just don’t tell me who I can and can’t talk to.  A strong woman taught me that years ago.

PS, I didn’t run over the hairy faced guy riding his bike up the street last night around 11 as I was headed to the gas station.  I felt like someone should have been proud.  It was dark and I honestly didn’t see his face but in my mind — he could have been the offending party.

And for the record.. I would never hurt anyone, not even someone that would purposely hurt me, but at 11 at night I will make jokes to myself in my head about it.

Tomorrow makes one year since you called me your girlfriend as I was taking you home.  I will never forget that night.

On my door step

• by admin • In Words •   0

As I was leaving my house after work, I looked down to see a perfectly white, quite recent, cigarette butt.  Since I know that most of my friends that come over don’t smoke cigarettes, and you can imagine I asked all 3 if it was their’s… no shame..

Well, of course I developed an elaborate story in my head, of the most romantic sort… I mean.. non romantic — unless she wants it to be.. Why is life so complicated?

Now I busy myself with cleaning up my car port.. just in case she stops by on the rarest of occasions.  I almost put an ashtray under it.. but realized how silly I can be.  Then I left some ash trey like dishes near by.

I find it odd to think about how I would stand in that very spot, put my arms around her and kiss her head.  Missing the smell of her hair and too many little things tonight.  Maybe it’s better that I don’t know who left it there.

‘Staring at the bottom of your glass, hoping one day you’ll make a dream last’

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Indie Folk •   0

Today my song didn’t come to when I was driving back to work but when I was coming home from the hospital after visiting my friend, Ronnie…  She had to have some random surgery, pretty scary stuff, but when I left.. I was still reminded her by that damn radio.

Last night, around midnight, I got a call from Ronnie.  She had already told me that she had to leave work early because she was sick and that she had to get surgery today.  When she called me back later, she asked me if I would come stay up there with her.

It was the first time that I had ever slept at a hospital before.  As I was driving up there, I was convinced that there was no way that they would let me even go back there to see her.  I’ve seen ‘If These Walls Could Talk 2″ and I have felt.. very much in a patriarchy world lately, but much to my surprise, no one batted an eye and everyone was really nice.  The chair made into a bed and they gave me a blanket a pillow.  She is just a friend that has become important to me.

When you sleep at a hospital, you don’t.  When I am woken up every hour for whatever they are doing, it takes me that long to get back to sleep.  Around 5 am I decided to get up and go home. She was getting blood work done and I don’t need to see.. blood.  My sister dropped off my niece and I slept until I had to put her on the bus at 6:45.  My bed has never felt so inviting.  It couldn’t have hurt that I had to wash all of my sheets and blankets on account of my dog becoming tragically ill during this lovely week.  So after the kid was on the bus, of course I had to sleep just a little longer.

The dream seemed so real so I couldn’t even imagine how it started.  When  I have a dream that all of my teeth are falling out, it always happens the same way.  It’s always a jagged, bloody mess.  I can’t say that there is ever any physical pain but always a feeling of panic and embarrassment.  This morning in my dream I was wearing some kid of retainer and my teeth were all just so loose.  Something happened differently this time.  From past dreams, I never remember trying to do something about it, just putting my broken teeth in my pocket or something.  Today in my dream, I had called my grandmother to ask her if I could borrow money to go to the dentist.  It seems so strange like, what the heck is the dentist going to do but.. it’s what happened.  I don’t remember how she responded at all but I remember specifically telling her that I only had $200.  From what I know about dentistry, I wasn’t going to get much for that $200.

My alarm had been set, but somehow I had turned it off, maybe just to lay down for one more minute.  Something suddenly woke me and work had started 15 minutes ago.  More concerned that I had all of my teeth, I went and brushed my teeth and rushed off to work.  My hair may have looked like… well awesome. and I was in the clothes that I slept in at the hospital, but I went to work.. and I had all my teeth.

That moment that I realize the song I referenced has nothing to do with my post at all, but was part of my day and I am pretty sure that is completely related.  We all know that I have no clue what I am talking about at this point anyway.

Updated: March 2018 – Link to video, image and tags