I have been spending time with her and it’s amazing, I couldn’t ask for anything more. The concert that leaves me with the fear of anxiety and the ‘unknown’ is approaching at alarming rates.
Author: admin
Then maybe you would understand why I feel this way about our love
It’s really no secret that I love 90s rock alternative. Today a song that I have always loved came on the radio right before I arrived at work. It played perfectly up until the point when I had to turn off my car and the song was just ending. I like when that happens. On the subject of secrets, it was months after she told me not to talk about our relationship to others that I realized just why it was a bad idea to share concerns and worries with your friends instead of the lady that causes the feelings..
All of my friends judge me and well.. her, terribly — because they just don’t understand. How could they? I hardly understand, but I continue to believe that I have a firm grip on what’s important.
As my friend gives me a run down of the drama that has ensued in her life lately, it really gave me a perspective as to how she might feel about the situation that we have ended up in.
It’s easy to feel like the victim when you feel like everything is going wrong and you just can’t understand why, but it’s much harder to step back and realize how your words and actions affect others. She has seen the fear in my eyes, but she has also seen the love.
Where did that point and purpose scurry off too? It is about that time where it has become lost again. There has been a few sayings that have given me hope and motivation lately. Last night I heard one in reference to my friend that is having some issues with her own romantical life… I know that is not a word, but it should be..
Someone told her, “If you are in love with two people at once, you should probably choose the second one.. because something was wrong with the first one to allow this to happen in the first place.” Now I don’t think those quotes should be on there, because the world knows that I can’t remember exactly what was said, but I heard what I needed to hear.
The other quote was in reference to enlightenment. I couldn’t even get close with that one because it was days ago but the gist was that one becomes enlightened when they can stop worrying about everything and start letting things take its course.. or thats what I got out of it anyway. Now it could just be the pills talking, but I have been feeling a lot better about things the more than she tells me, even if its hard to swallow at first. ..Everything happens for a reason.
In exciting news, I have plans to meet with my favorite lady today after work to get drinks at the coffee shop and go see her rockin new car today. Normally I would be more excited about the car.. but that’s not the case – that’s how you know it’s real.
and as for this lovely song.. She has never told me that she loved me before, except in my dreams.. hilarious but that’s a literal statement, however, if my opinion counts for anything, she’s told me that she loves me in so many more ways.. including a silent, wonderful look..
You know my heart’s a stereo that only plays for you
Today when I was on my way to work, one of my favorite cheesy songs came on. I emailed her the first day that I heard the song on the radio and told her that it made me think of her. From what I know it’s been out for a while but I heard it for the first time about a year ago.
No matter how I feel about our situation, when I hear this song, I get so excited and smile and remember why I think she’s so perfect for me… I’m gay like that.
One of my favorite lines is “And all I ask is that you don’t get mad at me, when you have to purchase mad D batteries”
It would be so hard to put my feelings into words about this song but that line reminds me of … well, how much trouble I can be.. I hear “Dating men is so much simpler” Since when was simple better. I’ll keep my D batteries, thanks.
I just want something I can never have
I left a concert once because I was feeling sick, the next act was Flyleaf, but I didn’t know who they were. I saw Kill Hannah, a band that is probably not around anymore. This morning when I was looking for a song to listen to, I stumbled upon this gem. It reminded me of the time I missed out on seeing a bad ass show by taking the easy way out.. I’m not sure why I think that’s pretty relivant. I guess it’s one of the small things that I’ve always regretted. I prefer the Trent Reznor version, but she’s easy on the eyes.
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead
There is so much that I could say about this, but I still decide it is best to stay as quite as possible. I know how I feel and its hard to ignore all the ideas that cross my mind. After an unexplained chain of events, each of our last names are on my mailbox. It’s something that will make me smile to myself each day that I check the mail, until I realize it is just a piece of paper in a mailbox. I’ve had the best, most confusing feelings. My desire to do right and my passion for her seem to conflict quite often.
and it feels like I’m just too close to love you
From the first time I heard this song, over a year ago, every time this song comes on, I just pause, listen, stare off into space.. if reminds me of two or three different nights.
I never know what to think about it.
Whether his dimpled good looks outweigh his self-serving ego
I feel like I am always smiling in one way or another when I read horoscopes or any astrology material on either of us. This past week I rediscovered an old book that someone had given me about 10 years ago. It’s called Born On A Rotten Day. While reading amounts my friends, we decided that the character flaws it pointed out in each of us seemed rather accurate. Tonight, when I came home from the bar, I started reading the first few pages about her zodiac. This section was specifically about Libra Males and more importantly, being in love with one.
The words drifted around in my mind and I accepted and rejected a few of the accusations, laughing at all of them the same and remembering things that she had said that only further confirmed…. things. Its just funny to me, on so many levels, but I may have to find the humor in order to ignore .. other things.
It was about time to set down the book, as people started to arrive, when I read a sentence that caused me to write paragraphs about nothing to myself on the internet. The line in the book read; “Whether his dimpled good looks outweigh his self-serving ego is your decision.” Like I tend to do, when I find something unbelievable, I read it a few times. It still seemed to say the same thing, there was that word again, self-serving, I had never even seen it before, until she spoke about — that first thing that I had to read over and over again – hoping that the context would suddenly change. Maybe I believe that I am such a poor reader, maybe I misunderstood the first time, but no, that’s what it says…
There I go, venturing off into completely off track. As one can see, it was one of the most shocking things that I had ever read on the internet, and well, this is where I get back to what I was trying to speak about to begin with.
After I looked at the word like it had done something personal to me, I thought.. her good looks and amazing personality will continue to melt my heart time and time again. It’s surprising and unlike me to go through such experiences and not hold one grudge or any bitterness. I have a few strange dreams, but they all end amazingly and happy. I’m not sure that I really have many people in my life anymore that realize it has been close to forever since I have ever even liked someone so much in my life.
I would read the word self-serving ego and smile… just because it makes me think of her. There’s a lot of things I seem to read in many different places about Libras… I don’t know that I have ever really believed in any of that but I know that it’s fun to read about, especially when you can’t get someone off your mind. I love my libra man.. and well, I don’t care what anyone has to say about that.. not my friends, not her boyfriend.. maybe not even her. For now, that’s something that I should only tell her in my dreams. I’m sure that she already knows.
If She Only Knew..
…Well, actually, I am sure that she does.
My mind wanders, more than it probably should. It always ends up in the same place and takes me to places that I could only dream of. Her words echo in my ear. I am reminded of a text message that I had received while eating Mexican food with my father. My face blushed.. and I thought.. ‘She has no idea.’ It has been far too many years since I have been truely intimate with a woman. I am a closed off person and I keep most all people at a distance.
Someone has changed that about me.. and I would give anything… to fall asleep next to her each night.. but those are words that got me in trouble, but.. what can I say, I can’t help it when my mind wanders.
