Author: admin

And I hope that you are having the time of your life but think twice, that’s my only advice

• by admin • In Uncategorized •   Comments Off on And I hope that you are having the time of your life but think twice, that’s my only advice

I need to remember why I created this site in April.. and it was to leave her alone.  Ladies like to miss you once in a while.  I have been reminded of this more than once.

I can’t say that I have actually listened to this song before today.  I had heard it but never listened.  It spoke to me today on the way home for my lunch break….

Zombie by The Cranberries gave me a similar feeling months ago.

There is so much going on that I just want to talk about it, but I don’t even know who that right person would be.

I’ve never put someone else’s emotions first

• by admin • In Words •   0

As I reread my text to her, I wonder if she notices the changed that I have made for her.  It nearly too me 30 years to consider someone else’s feelings and I hope that I do an okay job of it.

Long before I ever discovered why I wasn’t invited places, she was going fishing somewhere south west of here.  I threw the biggest fit over text about that.  She said something like that I shouldn’t make her feel like shit just because she wanted to go an do something.

Those words cut so deep and I have tried to conscientiously be positive in all of my messages to her after that.  It’s not always easy and I am sure that I am not always perfect at it but I am pretty sure that it is the first time that someone was ever able to get through to me like that.

I have had a history of making mistakes with my words.  People think I am harsh, but I think the doctors call it anxiety.  My medicine has helped me a lot.  When my emotions don’t get out of control, I don’t seem to either.

The thought of hurting her is more that I can ignore.  I hope that she understands where I’m coming from when I cause trouble.  She has always been amazing at calming me down when I start to panic about whatever it is that I am making a big deal of at the time.

Sexuality is a strange thing

• by admin • In Words •   0

I read an interesting article today, unrelated to direct subjects, the reference and reaction of her ‘feminist husband’ is refreshing.

I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I 

I try to be as open with her as possible.  Actually, I pretty much tell her everything that I can.  Still trying to figure out what I think about him.  Why I even think about him.  I suppose it’s because I am constantly reminded of him in her moments of extended silence.

Today I wrote her a deep email.  I told her about a recent, shocking dream, even though I couldn’t even get my description written out.  I mentioned December 17th to her.  Now I realize that remembering specific dates probably isn’t normal.  It’s a feared date or whatever ya call it. Not a happy one.  It is the day I realized what the internet could do.  It won.  I lost.

I also liked this article:

10 Ways Introverts Interact Differently With The World

I’d hang out with both of them, if that’s what it took.  I would  be as open-minded as possible hoping that he would be as sensitive as possible.  I have no reason to think that he wouldn’t.  I still hate his friends though.

Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

• by admin • In Dreams, Music, Rock, Words •   0

I rearranged my house so much today. I couldn’t help but think about how she said from one hoarder to another.. I hope that she isn’t really bothered by my stuff.. if she only knew how much I would do for her…

Currently, I am trying my damnedest to leave her alone. I miss her so much.. but I keep reminding myself of my dream, and hoping that some how all of that is true.

Tonight, I wanted, more than anything – to just tell her how much I wanted her to hold me.

When I thought about the dream more, I remember that she also said something like she would take perfect care of me one day.. which is weird, I don’t expect anyone to tell me that they will take care of me.

I started to have a sad look on my face when she told me that now was not the time. As I felt my face drop, she gave me this look.. a playful but serious look. It’s as if I completely understand her without words. She seemed to say, “This is not the time for that either..” I tried to act composed. She saw right through me but appreciated the efforts..

Like that – she was gone. I should be used to that by now. Would you believe that I actually thought that I was over being consumed with emotions?

Not Really Sure How I Feel About It

• by admin • In Cover Song, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   0

Some days seem harder than others.  I can never tell if its because of the silence.. what I put in my lungs that day.. the alignment of the stars… our ever lasting energy.. have I mentioned brain chemicals?

This post is a little different than most.  I’m not sure if I have posted this song yet, but I have been listening to it and even singing it out loud for more than a year now.  The other night my friend said it was about them being on meth or something… I just thought it meant she wanted him to stay the night… I hear what I want to in songs.  It’s been an ongoing theme in our relationship, where for the first time, I have hyper feminine feelings and she is the ultimate dude that doesn’t care.. What can I say, I cherish the two nights that I spent with her and with the next morning lasted a little long…

On to the music – the original version:

 

 

And now, the same song, remade by some people that I find quite impressive. This is the version that I used to listen to on spotify when I used to do that. I used to have play lists each month…. going back to those, they are kind of sad at times.

https://youtu.be/AR_zYrEpXz4

I hear something in ever line of this song…

The Sweetest Dreams

• by admin • In Dreams, Words •   0

Last night, before I went to bed, I sent her a quick email telling her about my Halloween and wished her sweet dreams.  I usually send her a text or an email each morning and night, since she is the first and last thing on mind.  Maybe its super annoying, but until she tells me so, I am convinced that it is romantic.

At some point after that, I had the sweetest dream about her:

She grabbed my face softly and said, “J—, I love you, I truly do…” that’s generally when I stop listening.  Even in my dreams, she says things like, “But now is not the time, please don’t doubt my feelings for you.”

Maybe that’s what I needed to hear, so my dreams manifested it.