Just when I think that I have my emotions under control, they consume me, keep me up all hours of the night and remind me of who I really am. Pills and busying myself only lasts so long. Em is at her fathers house, laying under a roof that he won’t sleep under anymore… I am sure that her thoughts are racing right now. It makes me completely guilty to be emotional in anyway at this point.
The night before the concert, I was leaving my friend’s house when I glanced over and saw how empty it looked down the road. The porch light was not on. There were no cars in the drive way. Of course, I took the long way home to see why it looked so different in that direction. I haven’t had a chance to go back but as I passed, I felt relief that her bedroom light was on until I noticed that it looked nearly completely empty inside. I had the classic fear of being pulled out of your school and moved across the country, suddenly, I felt like i had lost a best friend.
With 700 miles of driving, I had plenty of time to reflect and think.. I am left hoping she is happy and enjoying life.
This morning, I woke up to facebook sharing one of my ‘memories’ with me. It was a post about a text I received from her, 5 years ago. It was a text of frustration with.. my debilitating personality disorders. I don’t even know if that’s a PC term but I have determined that I am atypical or whatever that term is, this is where i take a moment to look it up.
So what I was trying to say, is that I have decided that I am not neurotypical… I did see a psychiatrist recently, and he referred me to try EMDR therapy. I haven’t even looked it up because he said it wasn’t worth looking up because there is a lot of BS online. A lot of doctors have been telling me this a lot lately. They say… don’t even look up the side effects.. it will make you paranoid – so I don’t, but that just doesn’t seem right.
Anyway, as I explained to him that I feel like I have an overwhelming fear of death, not for myself but for everyone that is close to me. He explained to me that what I was describing was a fear of loss, not death. I can relate to that. He thinks I have some signs of PTSD and when I did research the EMDR very briefly, I believe it can be related to recovering from trauma. I really don’t think that I have any trauma to recover from, but it seems like there is n army out there that disagrees with that.
Between my rough childhood due to my mother, bullying in school because I was gay and then the constant verbal abuse from customers.. the doctor really wanted me to consider looking into another career because, he pointed out that… it doesn’t help matters any. We talked about money and how important it is for me to feel financially secure and how I’d rather risk my sanity, to ensure that I have money.. anyway, that’s how that went and I picked a therapist based on being downtown and I am quite sure that he is gay, but I guess I am only assuming based on his photo and voice over his voicemail.
When I left work to go on my lunch break, Naked Eyes were filling my head.
Then Adele took that nostalgia and trying to empower me.. but I don’t really think that worked.
There’s always so much that I want to say and an underlying fear that I am trying to respect your wishes, but what if you need me to step up instead…
Five years ago, I was in the dark. I didn’t understand what was going on. I blamed myself.
It was around that time that you bought your bike at Walmart. My sister has never had such a heartfelt conversation with me.
My niece say you and C at the store and wanted to run up to your in excitement. My sister saw yall and knew that yall were more than just friends and stopped her. She sat me down and tried to explain it to me. I told her that she was wrong and confused..
We were in the small bedroom when I mentioned that my neice saw you at Walmart, because I was always so excited and told you everything, you froze for less than a second.. that happened a lot, but I never realized why… until much later.
The same thing happened when we were walking down the road a few times on different topics…
Little did I know.
I’ve been having a really hard time lately. Its just been constant anxiety but I get through. Today, I found out that my mom is in jail again for ‘simple assault’ for the 3rd fucking time. I know that is not good but I can only hope that she gets the help that she needs.
On a completely unrelated note, my brother was singing to this song today and I fell in love with it. Now I am back to what I would consider imaginary issues that are nearly non existent at this point.
Now he is playing a song that I have seen send people into a PTSD breakdown.
Since I fear death for everyone around me so badly lately, just hearing him sing it brings tears to my eyes and a deep pain in my heart. My mother has suffered from alcoholism my entire life and all of my siblings have suffered from it in one way or another. I may not have a problem with drinking too much but I do have deep seeded issues with alcoholics.
His play list is getting to sad for me and leaving me crying… The only songs that I know that hurt more are in my brother’s memorial video. I can never hear those songs without difficulty.
I’ll start with, I really dislike this video but love the song. It came on the radio as I was leaving work to go on my lunch break. It’s been a bad day. I always forget to take my medicine and today was one of those testing days. The agent that sits next to me left in tears saying that she needed to go to her doctor and I pretty much felt the same before 11. I am minutes before having to go back to work but here is my video for now.
Today, has been one of those days. A co-worker was out, so I was left juggling nearly 30 all center agents that all think they are the center of the universe. Really its probably only a quarter of them but it seems like a lot. I have been pissing people off left and right. After a long day of making my agents mad because they expect too much from me and getting yelled at and threaten by customers, I come home and have to deal with the two closest people telling me how much I don’t do for them. I offered to watch my sisters children during pride weekend and somehow ruined it and misunderstood when my brother wanted a ride to Subway so somehow I have ruined his night and he is going to starve. I didn’t respond appropriately, not that I even know what that would be. I cried some and then listened to the following songs. It started with a song that made me think about her the other day while I was in the grocery store. It reminded me of my blind and most likely stupid faith. The rest of the songs came on following it on YouTube. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt when she said, “I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you.” I suppose that would shock most anyone. Just give it time and I will find a way to fuck it up. I am pretty sure, I have always wished that someone thought about me when they heard this song..
For fun I decided to look up my horoscope today, because why not. I can’t feel like everyone hates me without blaming the universe or something, can I.
Since I am no longer a teenager, I was not sure where one would get a horoscope, so I just googled it and selected the Chicago’s news paper, because seems to be a legitment source:
Relations with others might be strained or aloof today. People are not sure which action to take or which direction to go. You probably feel the same way. Therefore, be ginger about whatever you do. Go gently. Avoid important decisions and avoid spending money on anything other than food or gas.
I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought it down
I’m so quick to tell her everything. I hope that she doesn’t hold it against me. Her roommate posted that they were all going to see Smashing Pumpkins on a mutual friend’s FB. I am constantly reminded of high school and the challenges that it brought to my life. I would like to think that I am long past that, since I graduated 15 years ago, but I felt myself exploring some deep places in my heart and soul last night. In the end, I felt ashamed to be who I am and completed defeated, so I was painfully reminded that the pain from the past isn’t really gone. This is pain that was caused by my peers, completely separate from the difficulties I faced at home. I hope that one day, people like me will be able to live outside of this.
Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
On my way to work this morning, the original version, by Stevie Nix played on the radio. It’s about a 5 minute drive to work, so any great song playing during this time really makes my day. It took me to a place that I really didn’t need to be as I walked into work. I think that I fought back a few tears, wished that she could see past the surface and hoped for the best. I know that she has a deep rooted soul and I ‘hope and pray’ that she understands my deep connection and I don’t look like the standard maniac.. I feel guilty so often, but other times I just feel extremely dedicated and trusting. I’ve been lectured by about everyone that knows. My girlfriend even makes fun of me for certain things, often.
I met her just after she left the state. I tried the line, “I am in love with someone else..” and I even said something like, “I am sad because my girlfriend like thing moved away.” Those conversations come up often when people want to make fun of me. I have learned to roll with it, but what really matters, is what she thinks.
As we get uncomfortably close to one year since we have spoke..
I didn’t think the foreseeable future would be this long…
