Author: admin

But I did it anyway

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

I love letting my mind wander and escaping reality for a moment.  Today, I couldn’t help but revisit old conversations and feelings that I have never forgotten.

Really, I know better – I should calm the hell down – but there’s just something about clichés.  It’s not like she doesn’t know that I have been hoping to hear from her for a while.  It’s too bad that she has to find out my world is crashing down around me – one pillar at a time.

My brother has been the most difficult to deal with.  In the depths of my thoughts, I realized that her friend may have mentioned my brother’s posts to her – if she knew that she cared and would want to know.  It’s been intense – more than I could imagine dealing with.  My dad doesn’t know what to do.  My aunt has tried to talk to him.  I just try to be available to talk to him but he doesn’t even think that I care anymore.  He was staying with my dad after he came back right before hurricane Harvey.  He has stayed with me in Kyle but he fought with Maddison and the first night that we met Sarah, her new chick, she came to our house to work on our cars.  My brother mad some sexist comment about her and Maddison has probably been into her since day one because she kicked him out that night, we went to a hotel.  I wouldn’t let him go alone.  I am sure that was the beginning of the end.  Well – the start really was but who knows.  It was all terrible and for some reason, i thought it would be a good idea.

Well when he left Kyle, he went to my dad’s house but they started to fight.  We moved here in April when I left Jeremy’s and he has been here since.  He has his good days and his bad days.  His dog drank beer as he was going through this shit with a girl that has him completely fucked up.  He tells me in detail about how she took advantage of him while he was sleeping, which he didn’t even really care about and then he just told me recently that she said, “Why are you here?” to him after that like she wasn’t expecting it to be him.  I would see where all that could be terrible and then she told all of Port A that he took advantage of her – so that’s the short of it, but now he sits in his room – which doesn’t have any widows – does some drugs and gets extremely depressed about it and lately he has taken to facebook in trying to scare everyone that he knows it seems.

Dealing with Maddison’s drama is difficult just because she is completely manipulative and finds ways to make me care anytime that I don’t.

Getting laid off came as a complete shock – I don’t think that anyone saw it coming.  The good thing is that I have plenty of money and if I get this job coming up in March, then I will be able to save plenty of it or use it for something important – like sweeping a lady off her feet or whatever happen in tragic comedy fairy tales.  When people my age talk about fantasies – I don’t think they usually want to be prince charming.. but I kinda think I do.   Maybe I watched too much Disney but right now, I feel like I have reacted incorrectly to all of me instincts and when I say that I regret decisions that I have made, I don’t only mean that I regret dating someone when I was not actually into them, I mean – I regret backing off every time that I did because I thought that it was the right thing to do.  There are many days, I don’t think it was the right thing to do.

Don’t judge the music selection in this out pouring of my heart – it was courtesy of 99.5 while I was in the car.

This is a girl girl thing

• by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Music, Soft Rock •   0

Tonight was Lez Prom.  Months ago, I was under the impression I was going, then she was taking the new girl, then she said I was the back up if the new girl didn’t want to go – and then she ended up taking her best friend because she thinks I want to get back with her.  She doesn’t understand when I feel disrespected and used, she thinks that I am jealous, but really, I just don’t want to watch her kids so that she can go out with someone.

She ended up getting drunk and asking her best friend to take her to the new girl’s house.  The best friend texted me asking if I was up because she was crying because Maddison was being a bitch to her and didn’t give a fuck about her feelings. It’s pretty bad when you exes best friend confides in you because she’s so mean.

It was nice to not care in the least.  I expected to feel a little left out, but instead, I went to a friends house and helped them pack.  I couldn’t keep M off my mind or the few words that meant more than I could imagine.   I woke up feeling stronger than ever.  I’ve resisted saying much to her, because I am sure that her situation is quite sensitive and I want to be aware so that I don’t cause any trouble.

My friends used to joke that the only way to get me to clean my house was to say that M was coming over.  It was a running joke, apparently I don’t give a fuck quite often.. and then there she was.  Everything else disappeared.  Either way, I feel like cleaning my room and have been doing a great job.. I guess I just don’t want her to ever see what a mess I can be – but I am sure that she is quite aware.

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time
‘Cause I like you

You make me stare, when I should not

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

I’ve developed a habit of staying up all night and sleeping all day, as if I was on summer vacation.  The ex has developed a habit of calling me, waking me up and asking me for something ridiculous.  Today – I said no.

Since I was woken up and asked a question, I was a bit confused.  I thought she was telling me that her son (8) was home alone and wanted to go play, but I had to be aware to check on him and she was asking if I would. I said no, I’m sleeping and went back to sleep.  This was at 1:15 PM.  There’s something that makes me feel really bad to saying no to something I am physically capable of doing, soon enough, I couldn’t sleep anymore and got up by 2.  I texted her and told her that he could go play outside because I was awake.  Little did I know, she was either home or bringing him home to stay alone (with me next door) and somehow through the next exchange of messages that came out. After minutes of being awake – I knew that I didn’t want to be here anymore. There is a lot going on with my brother and it’s intense.  Everyone else is silent or asleep here and I owe LMC a little money, so I ask the ex when she will be back because I want to go to Lisa’s.  She says they are going to Austin and it will be a few hours and not to leave him alone for more than an hour at a time.   This is where it starts to feel like I am watching her kid for her and she treats me like complete shit, so I was not willing to do that.  She already called me at 9 something this morning asking me to go sit with her kids while she went to go get sodas.  When I got there her 4 year old asked me to make her food, if that tells you anything about how much I do for the kids.  Why couldn’t her mom had made her food?

I asked her to get me a soda while she was out, because I thought it would make me feel better about doing things for her.

When I went back to bed, I had a hard time falling asleep right away.  I laid there and thought about this one time that M and I met at Jo’s.  That day was the first time I saw her after she got back from out of state.  She had left right before I met Maddison.  When she returned, I felt like I had so much explaining to do.  I knew that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.. but I really did.  I had been completely in love with her for 3 years, she leaves, returns and I had a girlfriend.. that I hated, but I am not sure if that point came across.  I think I was able to at least express that much to her.  I needed her to know that I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend, had no interest in her and had a very inactive sex life – which took effort, but I blamed my medicine and distanced myself.  When I saw her, I got so nervous/excited, I have no idea what I said that day. I can tell you what table we sat at.  I can tell you that my back was to the wall and hers was to the counter.  We normally didn’t sit over in that little area, but today we did.  I feel like she could see through my eyes to what I was trying to express and I feel like she understood more than anyone would and accepted that I did what I did for whatever reason I did it, and I don;t think she was worried at all.  I wondered if she still knew that she was everything that I had ever wanted.. but could never ask.

I have always tried to respect her situation – and I don’t know why – but I can’t refer to it as anything other than that.  I’ve never wanted to make anything worse for her.  There has been things that she has said that have sunk deep into my heart.  I have beat myself up for not being more assertive and asking more questions.  When I think about an example of what I am talking about, the first thing that comes to mind is – I don’t even know when we were having this conversation – but she said that her parents would not have even noticed if she had been kidnapped.  We had been talking about when she left home.  It always made me feel uneasy to think about. She looked down and her tone changed in a way that told me this was significant, but I felt like she didn’t want me to ask, so I never did.  It’s strange to me that I can be so shy with her yet so incredibly open.  In the end, I always feel very protective of her and the rest just gets complicated in my head.  Watching  my brother breakdown has made me question my sanity a time of two, but luckily. I have her in my life and she is always there just in time.

This song popped up and I have not heard it before.  I am going to leave this here.

I wanted to talk about something very specific and forgot it when my dad showed up.  I need to reread this and see if it comes back to me.  For now, I suppose this is all.

I will be brave

• by admin • In Music, Pop •   0

Nothing makes me feel tougher than listening to this song when it comes on.

I was buying shoes for my job interview when I received some words that made my heart beat a little differently.

When you are the weird kid in life, there’s nothing better than someone that believes in you.

I don’t even know who Christina Perri is – I always think this song is Paramore.

If I were gay I would listen to must like this – kidding, I wouldn’t..

The only reason that I like the last video is because of the first lines in the song.  Okay, well – maybe it’s not the only reason, but I would have not gotten as far into the song without the start.

Hopin’ that the sun will keep on shinin’

• by admin • In Country, Music •   0

My brother – is having a very hard time. Its a part of the equation that I have not mentions, maybe because it is the most serious and severe. I should not ignore it, but people act like I do. He gave me a bass guitar a few years back, right before I did Guitar Girl. He taught me one song. I doubt that I could play it again without a lot of practice. I think it would help him if we started playing again.

Oh my life is changing everyday

• by admin • In Country, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop, Pop Rock, Rap Rock, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.

I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.

Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.

When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.

The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.

Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.

Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life.

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

Every day of the thirteen days that I have been at home after getting laid off have really worn on me.  The other extenuating circumstances have not helped any.  What has helped is hearing from people that truly care.  I wish that I didn’t need a reminder, but it makes a big difference.  I have never been one to seek attention, but it seems that I appreciate it a lot more than I realize.

After not receiving my unemployment card and feeling like I have waited forever for my severance check, I decided to check on it.  The HR lady assured me that I would get paid this Friday with everyone else’s pay check so that helps me not have to worry about when I will see my next dollar.  It has been a hard lesson to learn that I accidentally get comfortable and I often take things for granted without meaning to. I thought that I was reminded of this when I went to Guatemala and couldn’t drink the water.