There she was like a picture
There she was, she was just the same
There she was, he just had to know she had not forgot his name
Trying his best to forget her
Trying his best to just keep his stride
Kept his word, but he knows he heardUlay, ulay, oh
I fell asleep watching TV at her house last night. She’s diagnosed bi-polar and has not found a medicine that works well for her, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I made a folder on my computer were I saved her phone call recordings and messages in today. She made so many threats to “fuck up my life,” I have no idea what she is planning. She constantly calls me a psycho bitch and I am just tired of it. I had a lot to do today, but I still stayed up with her at her house watching TV. She sleeps all day and doesn’t work so she can’t sleep at night and wonders why.
Even when I am asleep, she talks to me all night long. The last thing that I remember her saying was that she had to be up in a few hours. Before any alarms went off, her 4 year old climbed in bed with us and laid in the middle. She woke me up to tell me she peed. She is potty trained but has been peeing the bed a lot lately, so pull ups it is. I got up, changed her, she thanked me and went to sleep. Once her brother was up by 6:20 getting ready, she was bouncing off the walls and I was not ready for all that.
I was trying to sleep, so I can’t even place when it all went wrong. I think I offered to get her dressed so that I could leave. She complained that it was no help to get her dressed early because she would just lay down (mom) and fall asleep instead of taking her to school. Apparently this is now my problem, I try to offer to call her to make sure she is up and things because she constantly complains about her life and it’s just who I am to offer suggestions. She was screaming at me so much, I can’t even remember what she was saying. I wanted to leave but then she starts screaming about how I am abandoning them and walking out of their lives and all of this incredibly dramatic things for me just wanting to sleep because I had to take my swab mouth test today and I was not going to smoke all day – so sleeping would make that a whole lot easier. Instead, I woke up at 6:20 AM to get screamed at for an hour – guess what didn’t help me not want to smoke – that.
Eventually I just walked out because I couldn’t handle it anymore. She proceeded to send me facebook messages that were less than nice. Luckily, I was able to fall asleep and I thought that I would at least have a little bit of peace because I thought we were no longer speaking.
I had a vet appointment for my dog. Turns out she busted a ligament in her knee which is why she has been limping for a few weeks. The options were surgery or medication to keep her comfortable. With a price tag of $2,600, I had to decide against the surgery – but I am not really into surgery unless its required. There are too many risks involved, especially at her age. I have had her for about 8 years and she was not a puppy when I got her. They gave her medicine for inflammation and joint health. I was headed home from the vet when she starts asking me what I ordered and said it looked like drugs. I assured her that I did not order drugs. She had been going through my mail and decided she needed to know what something was she found in a package.
The truth was, I had no clue what I ordered. Sometimes, Ebay is dangerous. I haven’t bought much on it in years – but in 2019 – I have bought a few things, just because I can. Once I realized what she was talking about, I told her they were just some rock thing. Then she wanted to know what I was going to do with them – once again, I had no answer. Art…
This leads me to ask her why she is going through my mail if we are no longer talking. She denied that was ever the case. She still has my mail at her house and will not respond to me to give it back. Mainly, I also had this NES game that I have been waiting on and I would really like to play it – but now it is being held hostage because “of my attitude.”
I have put a call recording app on my cell phone, because of the things that she says to me. Today she kept saying that if I am going to keep playing these games, she is going to fuck up my life more than I could ever imagine. I asked her why she was threatening my life but she just said, I’m not threatening your life – you will still be alive.
She has claimed that she is going to pay her cell phone bill back to December once she gets her tax return, but she hasn’t even filed yet. The phone is still on, I am still paying it for her – because I am scared of what she will do if I stop. When she gets mad, she tells me that she is never going to pay her part of the phone bill. It is getting close to $500 at this point because she wanted unlimited and a Note 9 – and what did my dumb ass do? I had already bought her a Galaxy S7 Edge but as soon as that was paid off she needed a Note 9 and more than $500 is still owed on that as well.
When I talked to the prosecutor and signed the Affidavit of non prosecute, it asked if I had lost any money due to this – I really wish I remembered exactly what it said. I kept trying to get her out of trouble, so I would answer the obvious answer on everything. I don’t think that I should have tried so hard to sign that. It wasn’t easy but she pressured me every day and acted like we were friends. She actually acted like we were in a relationship. I signed it on December 13th. I thought we were together. It was January first that I was made aware that we had broken up in November. I couldn’t even remember how we got back together to start with because I had left for several months after the fight happened. I am scared of her. Scared because she is so unstable and does not seem to think about real life consequences. She doesn’t think that rules apply to her. She does not have a drivers licence. Her registration is expired but she drives daily.
The day that she started to retaliate because I made it clear that I was aware she was going to the new girls house to have sex while she manipulated me in watching her children overnight – I went up to victim services. I told them that she may make fault claims against me because she is mad at me. Her best friend feels bad for me and tells me things once in a while so that I don’t get completely taken advantage of. She warned me that Maddison was going to ask me for money. Apparently she thinks that I have too much money and she doesn’t have enough. I almost gave her a few hundred too. She told me she had $7 to her name and she would pay me back by the 7th, but at this point, she owes me so much money for the damn phone bill – how can I ever trust her to pay me back at all.
At least a year ago, I put my name on her Chase bank account because I needed to deposit a check from my 401K and my credit union wasn’t on their list. To be safe, the banker put my name on multiple accounts – I think it was 2 that she had. In January, when she started seeing this girl – she went crazy with her money. I don’t know exactly what she did but I think that it involved the square app and PayPal but somehow she over drew each of these accounts at least $1000. I have no idea what happened because I do not have access to these accounts, but I am getting calls now and they are going to close the accounts if I don’t make a deposit in full – so I guess I will deal with that when it hits my credit.
It pissed me off when her friend told me that yesterday, as she was spending all of her money, she said – “I will just get money from Jen, she has 9 grand.” Number one – I don’t have 9 grand and number two, why would she know how much money I have… It just makes me mad. Then she screams at me that I never want to help when she needs it – referring to me wanting to go home at 7 AM instead of 7:30 because she thinks I need to personally make sure she wakes up and takes the kid to school.
I do believe I passed my mouth swab and the strangest thing happened. The lady said – “If you do smoke, just know they will give you a UA again when you are hired on.” I appreciate the warning but the hiring manager also covered that with me. I guess they really want me to study for that test.
You know what they say about assuming.. I embarrass myself more than I would like to admit, but luckily for me, I really don’t open up to many people, so there isn’t a ton of opportunities. I feel like I need to put my friend on a payroll for all the shit she puts up with from me.
When I was younger, I would get confused. Confused between really caring about someone as a friend and being in love with them. Maybe I never for past it. How do I know if I am attracted to someone as a person or more? The good thing is, I would much rather a good friend than a girlfriend, because I just don’t trust relationships or love. I tried it once or twice and it didn’t work out that well for me.
Last night, I had a weird dream. I thought that it was real but never asked anyone – but I am sure it was not. In my dream, Maddison called me. She said, “You’re not going to like this, but my girlfriend has something to say.” and then handed the phone to someone. Then a more masculine chick got on the phone and said something like. “Yeah, girlfriend, did you hear that? Stay away from my…” and then I hung up. In my dream, I knew that it was Sarah. I did get pissed off because, what the fuck. I was really mad, but who knows why. I get really sad when people don’t trust me.. but then I guess I see why.
I went to some Kid Fish with my nieces and nephew today. It was on river road and there were a million people there. I had terrible reception but managed to exchange a few important messages. Tomorrow will mark a month since I left work. I don’t think that I could ever work from home. I need an escape and a distraction. My mind has really played some tricks on me and I just wish I knew how to apologize properly.
She wanted to help me and I am a complicated mess that needs to learn when to stop.
Yet another song that I did not know before playing it. These electronics…
It’s not every day that I hear a new Melissa Etheridge song – she’s like my fuckin’ idol.
I feel like there was just an Eminem reference in regards to Melissa Etheridge and there’s just something wrong about that.
The Internet thought I needed a few new songs in my playlist.
But if you break down
I’ll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I’ll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don’t come easy
The most interesting thing about this post is that I have never heard these songs before, listened to them back to back and didn’t plan them at all. YouTube Conspiracy.
Correct me when I’m wrong. Point me in the right direction, I will listen.
It didn’t stop there. I paused this video 55 seconds because I don’t appreciate the way that these songs are talking to me. I wish that I were more confident in… something. I am not used to being so confused about my feelings that I am quite sure about. I guess, I don’t know what’s welcomed, expected or okay. More-so I am concerned that I should be concerned – its all a perplexing feeling I have had for a while.
I watching Grown-ish and this song came on.
I used to listen to this song a lot.
The episode that I watched included this:
and then there was this:
I have been stuck in my head thinking about what happened at the Pizza place. I haven’t heard from her sense. I’m afraid that either C noticed and is mad or she was hurt by seeing me with Maddie, which I think would be unlikely – because I am sure that she knows how I feel – but I can’t help but wonder or worry that I screwed up some how.
At least she reads my messages – I am just more concerned that something is wrong but I ignore it because I don’t want her to think I am weird.
I went out to Stonewall tonight. I said a few things to her throughout the day but once I started drinking – I knew it was best for me to shut the fuck up, so I didn’t say anything at all. Well, I did say something after calling her pretty but I had barely started drinking at that point and there was no way it could have been inconsiderate or disrespectful.
It’s really important to me that I never make anything harder on her and that she knows that I have the purest of intentions. I might get nervous as hell when I don’t know what is expected of me. The world knows that I wanted to run up to her and hug her but I am guessing that is not the best thing to do. Then I didn’t want him to see me and try to talk to me, there is no way that I could have kept a straight face if he would have introduced me to her. I really don’t think that he would have said anything to me in that situation but the few times that I bought sandwiches where he worked, I was quite shocked at how well he remembered me. I tend to believe that I can blend in and not stand out – but I have never really been that person. I haven’t been able to follow gender norms since I was allowed to think for myself and around here that didn’t always go so well.
The more I drank, the more my mind wandered. There was a bunch of kids with Xs on their hands at the gay bar – was very uneventful. I questioned what I would ask her if I could ask her anything. The first thing that came to mind was if she could go to that bonzi garden with me sometime next week but I told myself that the scheduled did not match up. I’d ask her about what she was going to try to tell me about, just what has been going on and what can I do to make things easiest? I’m afraid she thinks that I can’t handle it or something or maybe she’s just not ready. It means a lot that she would even try or consider it. I would ask her if she was happy, but I would want a real answer. I’d ask her about her grandma, but I am always too scared to ask that question. My heart sunk when she contacted me to tell me that she found out she was sick – then we lost contact and I thought about it way too often. I had always wanted to paint those shoes in the barn, but knew I was not good enough and forgot what they looked like exactly, not that I ever really knew, but I did know why they ended up there and that’s what touched my heart.
Then I drifted off into, what would I want her to know. I would want her to know that my feelings have never changed for her, though I had tried to change them many times. If she ever needed a place to go, I would welcome her without question or expectation and give up my bed quickly if asked. Maddison and I are just friends and will not be getting back together and she’s quite aware about how I feel but she tells me you have no interest in me, not that I listen at all, which if you didn’t that’s fine with me too but it turns out, I am quite interested despite my best efforts not to be. I know that she cares about me. I know that she cares about me a lot. I’d never ask if she had any romantic feelings for me, because I just can’t justify that as appropriate. Though I am sure most people wouldn’t believe it – I try my best to do the right thing.
Something funny did happen at the bar today. Apparently, when I was up buying drinking, this gay guy saw me and got really excited until I turned around and he was I was a woman.. I totally missed it but my friend did not. Gotta love that. I really didn’t have a song so I just chose one. My brother plays this song all of the time.
It would be great if I wasn’t the most awkward person ever.
I have only been awake for a few hours and today has been quite interesting. For self preservation reasons, I turned my ringer and all volume off so that I could enjoy my last few days of not having a job. Around 2 pm she comes calling my name at my window.. she’s not who I wanted to come to my window. It was the neighbor / ex saying she has been trying to call me. She asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her.
As I was in the restroom, the 4 year old came banging on my front door. My brother started yelling because he thinks she takes complete advantage of me and he’s tired of it. I didn’t have a shirt on and I was on the toilet, so I yelled to Harley to let her in. I don’t think that she delivered the message that she came to deliver due to all of that excitement.
Moments before this – her mom was chasing the cat that had gotten out and fell. Apparently she couldn’t get up on her own. She gets a bit dramatic but what do I know. I called to complain about her sending her kid to my house and she was screaming in pain so I ran over there. I questioned if it was to get attention because she knows where I went yesterday and she has acted a bit jealous but why would I care. I am clear that she is just my friend but she teases and – well, knows me.
I helped her get up and calm down and then we went to go get food after her oldest got off of the bus. He wanted to go to Olive Garden, so I have to have an economics lesson with him. He started to throw a fit so I threatened to never go to Olive Garden again. Damn I am such a mean non parent. I offered up Chuy’s and then Maddie suggested Blaze Pizza. Since the 8 year old was throwing a fit, I asked the 4 year old where she wanted to go. We ended up going to Blaze. I parked across from the steps and she claimed I was trying to kill her because the walk was an extra 100 ft, so she pointed out an empty spot in front.
I don’t know how the world does these things happen to me, but it was pretty much like when my friend’s friend wanted to wait for the shuttle bus at the NIN concert and made me wait there forever just to turn around at the wrong time.
I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking about or what we we were talking about, but I can tell you that I looked up – saw her smiling at me and panicked.. just a little. Of course, I felt the need to yell out, “Omg That’s M and her boyfriend…” you know, because that is the mature, adult thing to do. Then I proceeded to try to get the kid out and act like I didn’t know them, though that felt rude as hell, I thought it was the correct thing to do. The kid had conveniently taken her shoes off and I couldn’t function to save my life. Trying to get those toddler shoes on seemed to take forever. Then I realized I was standing in their way, but it was way too late to fix that. I could only hope that she was giggling to herself and slightly amused.
Then of course, I get lost in my own thoughts. We walk inside and Maddie is asking me a million questions like, “do you want to split a pizza. What do you want on your pizza?” The kids think the railing is a monkey bar and that drives me fucking nuts. I’m over here like, ‘oh shit, she saw me with my ex – I hope she doesn’t think anything crazy..’ like anyone would ever care what I do, but I like to think so. I through our a few answers. She laughed at me and said I was dumb.. but I knew that and totally agreed at that moment. The worst part was feeling like I shouldn’t say hi to my favorite person in the world. No one taught me how to react in that situation.
We ate lunch. She kept talking about it and asking me questions and making snide remarks that I just ignored.
I feel like it went something like: So that’s M. Exchanged comments about thinking she was on my FB as I explained she didn’t have one as far as I knew. Maybe she had seen it in the past but I never gave her the satisfaction of confirming that. She asked why I was so hung up with her. I said I didn’t know, maybe I was supposed to say I am not. I followed that by saying she is just a really good friend and I enjoy spending time with her because she isn’t like most people I know. She just looked at me weird.
She’s like my mom in the way that she will use anything that she has ever heard against you in the right moment. She was acting nice in this conversation, but I knew she was using it to insult me. By the way she was talking, I could tell that she.. I don’t even know, thought there was a lot more going on that there is. I guess she doesn’t believe that I can actually just have close friends. Or maybe she knows that I can’t help but smile when I think about her…
I am quite framiliar with feeling embarrassed when it comes to her, but why did I have to drive up that very second. I am glad that we saw each other yesterday and that she smiled at me – because I am just so weird. I don’t act this way around anyone else.
When I was watching the news today, I saw coverage on a fatal shooting that happened out in Hills of Hays. I guess it’s a pretty big deal – but the news clip reminded me about what exactly I feared. The clip was talking about warning signs of domestic violence and I am sure part if it goes along with caring about her so much and wanting the best for her, but I have always feared that I would ignore obvious red flags just because I didn’t want to be too pushy or over step anything. I remind myself that I could be paranoid because of the way I grew up with my parents. My dad was subject to physical, emotional and mental abuse for as long as I can remember. He kept trying to help my mom because he loved her and she was his kids’ mother. I had not been around that type of manipulation in a long time, so I forgot what it was like until Maddie started treating me like I owed her everything and she could tell me what I could and couldn’t do. It just made it all so much more real for me. I realized that as much as I said I would never let anyone tell me what to do – there I was, following orders even though I didn’t agree. Everyone would tell me to get the fuck out and I knew that I needed to but it wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t that easy at all. The harder it was for me and honestly, I am not completely free from it yet but I am trying really hard to distance myself as much as possible until she moves, but it made me realize that it could happen to anyone and that my fears weren’t that far fetched. A few people really sat me down and talked to me about things when they observed concerning behaviors and it helped me some. It really took her behavior with this other girl to finally upset me enough to not want to be part of any of it at all. I don’t know why I am rambling on at this point but it’s important to me to say that I can handle anything and I’m not scared – ultimately. I cherish our friendship.
Here’s a random cute song to counteract that.
‘
How and why would the YouTube play a song like this next:
If I were tough, these songs would not frequent my playlist.
And one of my favorite songs of all time
And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
