This weekend, I decided to try to remove myself from the situation. I went up and cuddled with my favorite toddler. We went to eat and since I lost my debit card weeks ago and never replaced it, I got away without paying for everything. We dropped the sleeping baby off with a friend and went to 6th street. The drinks were too nasty and expensive to actually get drunk but we did have a 19 year old with us so we went to all the shittiest places that would let us in and I even got patted down to go in a club.
I didn’t distract myself well enough – if she doesn’t want to hear from me then I am sure that I was significantly annoying.
I also visited Zoo Keepers Exotic Pets but the distraction didn’t last long but I did see a sloth.
As I drove back home from Austin, I couldn’t get Tom Petty out of my head – it’s true. I am tired of my magnificent town again. Do you know what it is like to be terrified to park next to any black cars? It’s rough.
Today, I haven’t felt that great but I have tried to keep my feelings to myself and stay busy. My grandma had been emotional because it was her wedding anniversary and that was enough to lead me to be emotional – it’s kinda rough being a lady at times.
I went over to my old friend, Amber’s, apartment today and she kept trying to hook me up with her sister even though she knows exactly how I feel. She laughed at me and had a few things to say that made me laugh and think too much. She told me that there was no way that he didn’t know at this point – which lead me to decide he’s going to be real mad when he realizes how many times we have spoken to each other in that time. What was I supposed to do? This is usually when my brother would say – “If you were a man, you’d end up in jail or murdered.” I am sure that he is right – so at this point in life, I am finally thankful that I am not. I can’t imagine what I would do with a normal life. Well my brother is a straight sis male and he doesn’t so maybe that is assuming too much.
At some point tonight, I decided that I should pour my heart out a little – because how else would you make a lady laugh? She’s actually the sweetest and had been the most delicate with this fragile lady the entire time. That is why I felt the need to explain myself – because, I just felt I had to.
The my brother introduced me to this child-singer from Europe. It’s quite impressive if I do say so myself. I have been particularly emotional today, so here is a set to reflect that.
A Whole New World
This has always been a rough one for me.
Let Her Go
Today, I heard this song on the radio and I was into more that I should be.
Stay
Students from the local high school associate this song with song due to some reenactment to remind them not to drive drunk. We didn’t have that in my school but I didn’t grow up in a college town. I don’t think it’s about drunk driving at all.
When I was about twelve years old, I went on a road trip with my grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to Bybee, Tennessee. We all road in a caravan of suburbans pulling travel trailers through The Smokey Mountains. None of us had any idea that it would be our last big vacation but my grandfather, the leader of the pack, passed away about 3 years later and our family was never really the same after that but that’s not the point of this story today. We spoke on CB radios between the cars as this was many years before I had seen anyone freely use a cell phone without worrying about minutes if they happened to have one for work.
We had made it to ‘Aunt Joan’s’ house though – she was our great-aunt. That summer we explored freezing cold rivers that came from mountain run off, found some poison ivy, explored the tobacco far and climbed all through the loft in their barn. Somewhere around my house there is still a red-haired vintage G.I Joe that we found up there. I went to church with my dad’s cousin and though I knew that something was very different, I didn’t know what it was – but it seemed like something from a movie. He had taken me to a Southern Baptist Church and it was as authentic as it gets. I just observed and tried not to laugh but I had never seen such a thing and when you added their accents in, it felt like I was living s life of satire. It wasn’t until a few years ago when I told my dad about the time I went to church with his cousin, Jimmy, and what it was like and how confused I was as a twelve year old. He laughed and said, “Oh yeah, they are the real Southern Baptists from the bible belt – we don’t even have anything like that around here.” I might as well be in the movie Sweet Home Alabama.
The point of all this writing is to tell the world or at least my future self that it was about then that I had my biggest accomplishment in my dad’s eyes – I out-shot his brother-in-law in front of the whole family. That may be the only reason that he was able to over look the gay thing – because that wasn’t easy for him, BUT this is how that happened and there is a slight advantage that most shooters should recognize but I will let people figure that one out on their own.
There we were, innocently shooting at paper targets and then my uncle wanted to show off. I am not the one to challenge anyone to anything, so there is no way that it was my idea. He chose the guns, which were just pellet guns but he handed me the rifle and he took the handgun. We set the rules and made a bet. I don’t know how many shows each we took but I know that if my dad had any control of it, he still has that paper target.
The bet was, if he was able to shoot closer to the bulls eye out of however many shots then I would have to get him a beer whenever he wanted one for the rest of the trip. If I was the better shot (with the guns we were assigned) then he would have to get me sodas the whole trip. Well if you can’t see it coming that I won, then I should just stop here – but I did and I sure asked for sodas at all of the opportune times simply because even at twelve, I felt the societal constrains on my life and it was the funniest thing to everyone to watch this twelve year old girl boss around her uncle when really he wanted someone to go get his beers and his son wouldn’t and he knew better than to just ask – my grandma would have never stood for that.
Make The World Go Away
What’s He Doing In My World
And for some reason, this song might always make me think about that day that my sister approached such a difficult situation so well – and I told her that she was wrong and she didn’t know what she was talking about – only to be completely wrong and slightly embarrassed.
I was pulling into my parking spot and getting out of my car when I realized that a reoccurring dream that I have quite often, is just a dream. It seems so real at the time – but its not true at all.
In my dream, I park my dodge stealth in a dark parking garage of an apartment complex that I am familiar with (in my dream – it does not actually exist to my knowledge). It wasn’t running well and I was planning on coming back for it later. MLE picks me up and takes me to work. I am not sure why we are both employed at actual jobs that exist in my town but they are in this fictional set up. When I am off work, I have her take me to my other car – which is my 1994 Honda Accord – that I did own at the same time as the dodge stealth but I know this specific situation never happened.
She takes me to my car and sometimes I have to walk. It seems as though I drive that car around for months before someone asks me where my other car is and I just can’t remember. At first I try to look for it but then I can’t find it and it’s not where I left it. That parting garage is rows deep with cars like they had in Guatemala. If you were in the first few rows, you weren’t getting out until the other cars moved. Everyone was double and triple parked. I had a flashlight looking at the hood of all of the cars but never found the death sled. Eventually, I give up looking and just tell people that I lost it, as if people just forget where they parked their car and leave it.
Sometimes I believe it’s been towed and I can’t afford to get it out. others I just come to terms with the fact that it’s just gone.
In reality, when I had to me – against my will, I really didn’t have a place to put my car and taking up most of my storage unit with a car seemed ridiculous – now, I wish that it was sitting in my storage but what can you do. I sold it for $500 because I knew that it wasn’t worth anything. It was painful and then I sold my next car for $400 when something went out while I was in Guatemala. Some say I was dealt a bad hand, I am not quite sure what I think.
I couldn’t tell you why but there are a set of Jimmy Buffett songs that have always been comforting to me. Maybe it’s because it’s what I used to fall asleep to when I was little – there is no telling.
A Pirate Looks At Forty
Wonder Why We Ever Go Home
Miss You So Badly
One Particular Harbor
This is not one of them but I am going to save it because I used to listen to this song by the Beetles in my dad’s car on an 8 track player. It may have been the only 8 track tape that he had. I found it in my search for a few good songs.
There is this dream that I had – it must have been weeks ago. I know that I wrote about it but I won’t link back to it at the moment. The way the dream starts seems to vary because I remember multiple beginnings but in the end I am always at her house.
There’s a part that is becoming more prominent that wasn’t in the first dreams. While we are sitting on the couch right as I get there – the couch is back against the wall that would lead to the kitchen. I have never been there but I have been in the house before so that leads to a whole new level of confusion for my little brain.
As I am sitting on the couch, I look up and concentrate on the beams above me and then look over at the wood burning stove, almost as a way to remind me that this is something very familiar and not to be nervous or afraid as I feel myself – questioning my decision. She seems to be out of the room in those seconds – as I don’t seem to feel the same way when she is near, only in those silent moments in between.
There was a point in time that she would come and go in my life every so often and every time I had managed to grab her attention – in those moments before seeing her, I would be more than nervous. One of my friends, Crys, was over quite often at the time and she would always have a great way of asking me what I was worried about and reminding me – that that something. It reminds me of those moments.
The main point of all of these words is that in my dream, we hang out in the living room for a while. In my dream last night, she turned to me and kissed me somewhat out of nowhere. I feel like I would have noticed if that had happened before. This time she looked at me and smiled. She said, “I know that you think this is a bad idea, but will you come lay down with me.” Her facial expression said a lot more than her words did. I couldn’t help but smile because it was one of the sweetest things I had seen.
I followed her into the dark where there was a TV lighting up the room. He was there, slightly propped up in the back corner of the room on the bed. Watching the TV which was near or in the closet. She laid down, with a good human’s width between them and then I laid down on the edge on her shoulder and she was on her back. From that point it is always the same. She touches me softly and I can’t stop attempting to control my heart rate because I know that she can feel it against her. It may just be getting more detailed each time. The first dream was so fast I nearly had to put a few pieces together.
Maybe – I should just stop thinking about how much I want to fall asleep in her arms every night and maybe then I won’t have such weird dreams.
Just as I expected – the pizza is missing and no one that had access to my freezer had anything to do with it. The deep freezer that it had lived in for a few years was moved out a few weeks ago. I personally moved the pizza to my freezer and put it up behind a turkey to hide it because I had a daunting fear that this exact thing would happen. No one one will admit to it – no one had touched the turkey, my missing historical pizza or my ice cream that I JUST realized is also missing. I hope this mystery person ate my Valentino’s pizza and contracts Valentino’s Revenge. I was so proud of my last piece of Valentino’s pizza too bad it had to grow legs and walk away. Maybe someday I will tell that woman of my dreams about the time I kept the pizza she made me in the fridge for 5 years or so. She would probably appreciate that somewhere deep in heart and feel my extreme disappointment in the people around me that saw nothing ever at all – they don’t even know what a freezer is at this point.
Now, I have not been shy about asking about my pizza. Most of them didn’t even question it because they expected and absurd answer. I originally noticed when my dad was here and he only made comments on the fact that I probably could not encase it in epoxy to preserve it. Possibly on purpose, before I confirmed that it was in fact gone – he convinced me hat there was probably no good was to preserve the last piece of pizza from my favorite pizza. I moved on quickly before we started working where exactly the line for romantic ended. I haven’t found the answer yet.
The a series of clicking, I saw this photo. It looks like a painting but it is actually a time lapse photo over 100 sunsets. This is the type of photography that I want to get better with – there is something about abandoned buildings that really draw me to them. I would love to travel down the back roads stopping to photograph placed long forgotten.
