I would like to think that she thinks about me when she hears this song.
I am ridiculous sometimes but we have tickets to see Alanis Morissette in June. The concert happens to be the day before the 7 year anniversary of the day that we met. It will be a good show. I might get emotional.
Today, throughout our daily texts, I told her that I wanted to rewrite history casually, but told her I would explain later. What I didn’t say, is that right after I sent this email that I am about to post from 6 years ago, I then proceeded to go back to the craigslist ad that had made my heart skip a beat just minutes prior when I saw my future’s photo pop back up on my screen.
This email would haunt me for years to come. It would be the concrete item that tied back to that moment of – well I will not define that emotion right now but what happened next was not what I expected. It’s something that lead to a lot of personal grown ultimately, but at the time it felt like a ton of bricks knocking the wind out of me. As I meteorically stood there thing to catch my breath it suddenly occurred to me, if she did in fact care about me the way I truly believed and still believe that she cares about me – then my first email will probably feel about the same when she reads it.
I have never felt worse about such an innocent email but I learned not to reply to things before I actually read them no matter what it could say. There is no need to reference what the post said because I am afraid that I won’t forget it and I am sure she can remember the direction or at least the lines that she might have preferred for me not to stumble upon.
It don’t really bother me much now because, well it became my reality but at the time, I haven’t a clue.. at all – and it only lead to other discoveries. It wasn’t long ago that I decided to figure out what day it was I zoomed in on the Planet K app and saw a familiar name accidentally, shockingly but accidentally all the same. That was February 13th, so it took about 2 months to figure out who.. which didn’t make the world any easier.
Now I will back track and tell you why I was at home mid day on a work day reading w4w craigslist ads.
There was a point in my life when I was afraid and I just wanted to erase it all. For some reason, I feel like the way to do that is to get in ridiculously irresponsible situations that will always lead to disappoint. usually it involved a cute, straight girl, but I have no idea why I think that is safe. You never take it seriously, because you know that it is not real. They feel the same way and usually have a boyfriend. In this case, her boyfriend knows and claims to be fine with us spending time together. She had a few kids and she worked with me. On this day, she decided to tell me that she needs to choose her boyfriend and we need to stop hanging out. I was irritated more than anything. This was actually the first in a series of events that I could not see coming. I am glad I decided to attempt this with women that I was not specifically emotionally attached to because it was about to escalate quickly. I still thought I was quite attractive and a catch back 6 years ago – so I decided to leave work upset and quickly ended up online ‘to find someone better to distract myself with.’
Within minute I was completely distracted but I don’t think that it was the direction that I was expecting. It was by a woman.. a very attractive one.. but not a stranger. When I clicked on her post, I was filled with excitement. It included 3 photos of her and before I so much as read the first sentence – I responded with the above email as if it was an accident that we lost touch. I was head over heels for her and everything seemed wonderful – until it didn’t. This would have been several months later but apparently I hadn’t a clue for that long. The farther I read, the worse it got. That’s about the moment that I got offended but it wasn’t personal. I don’t know what it was. Possibly political. For the first time, I felt discriminated against because I was a lesbian.. just like all the bisexual women usually talk about. I am not even sure what I was thinking at that point but I know that I wanted to know why I was not good enough.
I refuse to look at many past emails because I only embarrass myself but I know that I must have read that post more than 100 times. It hurt. I was mad. I didn’t even know what I was mad about and we never really talked about it – but I always felt guilty about the way she must have felt after she read it, knowing what I was about to walk into.
This wasn’t really a song that I was ever into. To me, the song boarder lines bubblegum pop music and I know that I am at least far too cool for that. This song came out right around the time that I graduated high school. At the time I was attending mostly metal and hard rock shows. There was no way that someone could even pay me to stand around and listen to this crap – or wear a colored t-shirt for that matter.
I have gone through my share of phases but it turns out that being a lesbian was not one of them. No one ever actually said that it was a phase for me. I am sure plenty of them hoped that it was but knew that even mentioning that would only dare me to prove them wrong.
My family has had to do a lot of adapting because of me and though they are not perfect at it, nothing bad has happened to me yet. My grandmother was terrified about what would happen when my dad found out. She actually encouraged me to move out on my own for that very reason though she never said it directly. He was a conservative republican with a lot of guns and a lesbian daughter that just didn’t talk about it. Everyone knew how much he loved me but they still weren’t sure what would happen. I can’t imagine how many years of worry I have caused several members of my family. My life has always been quite hostile or possibly more volatile.
So now that I realize nothing that I have said has anything to do with this video or why I am posting it tonight. Well, it all started when I saw that Alanis Morissette is touring with Garbage and Liz Phair this morning. I quickly messaged her and told her about it and we made plans to go see them but then I realized I really didn’t know who Liz Phair was. I thought about Lilith Fair but didn’t know if it was just because it sounded similar. I thought she was known for her feminist agenda and it turns out that she is associated with both but I could only find this one song by her. I would imagine the older ones were before my time. I was still listening to Jimmy Buffett and country music depending on which house hold I was staying in.
So I start to listen to the song and the music is like nails on a chalkboard to me but I can tolerate the lyrics, because, I too am not right at times. Here you have it, Liz Phair – some 90s singer that I should know but do not.
When I was driving home from work – to continue working from home, this song came on the radio and it reminded me about something.
There was about 5 years of my life that I did think I was just too cool for love.. feelings and just about everything. It was back when I was working diligently to built my army of platonic supports and enact every defense mechanism that I knew how to use.
Then I met her, my world instantly changed. I had shoes that I thought were stupid now. I don’t think that she ever even saw me wear them but I can’t say I wore them in a serious manner after that. I hit that brick wall and my armor must not have been glued well because it all just came crumbling off. I looked at her with a shy smile and it wasn’t long before – I thought – she knew that she was all that I could think about.
I’m not really sure when that change really happened for her – but somewhere in there, I no longer cared at all. If people wanted to laugh, they could. If people wanted to have opinions that differed from mine, that was fine, but I didn’t want to hear about it.
So I think that I used to be – a lot less secure with myself and much more guarded. Somewhere on my journey in making sure that she knew exactly how I felt, I completely lost track of any defenses. For several years my best defense has been, “I am in love with someone,” but once it failed – I had to come up with a better one. Actually, I didn’t – I just avoid people all together now. So basically – this song came on, it was the version without Justin Bieber but since he is my boy ‘twin’ I guess he can spice up the video with some cheese.
I will bring my heart
-Ani DiFranco
I will bring my face
You name the time and place
A few days ago, I realized that I had not written in some time – possibly since I donated blood and passed out in September, but I didn’t stop to confirm that fact. The reason might be that things are going really well for me and for whatever superstitious reason, I feel that I should not write about or talk about things that are going well – just like with any new opportunity that surfaces, I feel like if I am outwardly excited about it – it probably won’t happen, so I guess you can say I have been trying to contain myself.
There were moments that I could feel myself start to grow jealous and hopefully it was not outwardly apparent and she just knows me that well, but she always has a way of being the most reassuring and supportive person in my life. I constantly embarrass myself in front of her – trying to be the most open and transparent person possible – and she always warms my heart in the end and makes it totally worth it.
I think that I came here to say that I am thankful for where I am in my life. I’ve grown a lot in the last several years and I feel that I am stronger and more mature for it. There is a reason that I have not had to write much and it’s completely good.
On that note – when I was about 17 years old, I worked at Subway in a gas station. There was this clerk named Rochelle at the gas station that claimed to be a psychic. Eventually out of boredom, I let her read my palm. She had asked me a few questions that seemed to really be on point regarding my grandpa and I started to take her seriously. She said other things that I do not remember anymore but the one thing that I could not agree with was that she said that I would settle down when I was in my mid 30s. I had completely forgotten that conversation and it came back to me on my way to work this morning. At the time I thought I was hot shit and thought it would be impossible for me to be single into my 30s..
Meet – my mid 30s.
Tonight, my grandma gave me a Sony FM/AM walkman and I was messing with it when I stumbled across this song programming presets. I have never heard it but I am willing to bet it is by the same person that sings “Lost Boys” but modern music is not my specialty.
There happens to be someone that I know doesn’t need my help, but I can’t help but be touched by songs like this. She’s actually my hero.
Also, I was completely wrong about this singer – it is not this person at all. This song is kind of strange and I am not really sure what it is about but I enjoy it until I am left with this puzzling feeling that the song might not be about what I think it is.
I just want her to be my Peter pan. I’ve always felt more like a Michael Darling.
I have been thinking about the way that I reacted on Monday to the implication that I might ever be sad. Tonight, I decided that it might be because I would much rather concentrate on my excitement for the future and would never want anyone to know that I might have a few rough moments along the journey. Plus, when I read the last thing that she said the next morning – it reminded me, that I might be a bit defensive, due to a handful of people interjecting their uninvited opinion about something they knew nothing about. Luckily, I could care less what most people think.
My grandma is still confused why I dated someone with 2 children with different dads – which I really appreciated. Most people wanted to know why I was with a complete bitch or with someone.. with such a different body type and I pretty much feel like I must have been running away from my feelings and tonight – I had a bit of a rough day, but it ended magically.
Tonight, holds a very special place in my heart.
That is all.
3.5 Decades in T minus 23 Hours 36 Minutes.
Well Add 6 hours and 34 minutes to that according to this birth balloon hanging over my desk.
And I am going to sleep happy – excited about the future.
I have not seen this movie but I know that it exists or that this scene does anyway. I feel like maybe it’s about time I watch it.
This morning – I realized, I listen to a lot of sentimental music.
Sometimes – Rihanna nearly makes me late to work.
I guess I do get sad after all, but I will never admit to it.