Sometimes a song plays on accident and then I can’t stop listening to it. I would never actually call anyone ‘Crazy’ as I think that is insanely damaging and is a pretty damn offensive word. Let’s just say that I have been called crazy plenty and it was never okay.
However, almost every other word speaks to me.
In unrelated magic – this song comes from up to time
Her friend tried to video call me on fb while I was working, so I messaged her back to see what was going on. She was at the river killing time in town and needed to find somewhere to be for a few more hours as her house sold. I had only met her once, probably in 2014 – which was a night I will always remember, because it was the first time that I was introduced to any of her friends. Well I told her that she as welcome to come over, that my lunch break was about to start but after that hour I would be working again but she was welcome to hang out as long as she wanted. I didn’t want to turn her friend away. I thought she must be desperate if she was asking me. After she left, I had a smile on my face and in my heart. A few things arose in conversation, though I tried to stay away from the subject – of course I listened anyway.
I was left with a few questions that I either answered my self or don’t really need to ask.
Why did she say she was a lesbian? I mean, I know she is but how does her straight friend know so confidently? This was an unprompted comment that was in response to her frustration that she was back with the boy.
How was he raised, what did that even mean, what is weird about him?
The only question that I asked seemed completely appropriate and that was asking if he was dangerous or violent. She laughed and did not think that he was.
When she said that he was leaving soon to go to some music festival, I wanted to ask more – but all I really had to do was go to sleep and when I woke up I knew that it was the Chicago Riot Fest without any question about it.
I also grew suspicious about how strategic the seeds were that her friend had planted. It wasn’t a bad thing but I kept replaying the conversations over in my head. It didn’t all come up at once and she certainly was not the topic of conversation at all but it seemed that every time we went out to the backyard for her to smoke a cigarettes, she would get to thinking and say something in a venting way – I tried to just listen but she was talking about the love of my life and giving me inside info – on purpose or on accident, I wasn’t going to pry but I also wasn’t going to stop her. I trusted her to be a good friend to my future lady and over all I think her intentions were pure.
I tried not to react when his name came up. I tried to keep all of my options to myself and I think that I did a pretty good job. She kept talking about her current boyfriend or someone that she is in love with. I felt lead to open up but I resisted. One of the last things I said to her, which seemed like a funny ‘joke’ at the time and related to what she was saying about the guy – well I decided to say, “So are you saying that I should tell M that I am in love with her.” She laughed and said, “I think she already knows.”
I repeated: “I think everyone knows..” and that’s about where it ended.
When I was trying to avoid messaging her so much when she was having some radio silence, I tried to meet new friends online because I thought I would feel less alone. I talked to 2 people for a little while, one about 3D printing and art stuff and the other – about pets and things I guess – kind of nothing. It certainly didn’t fill any holes and I guess life doesn’t work like that. I’ve kind of already stopped talking to them just because I don’t even know what to say and even though I felt like my profile was pretty clear that I was only interested in friends and I never once even thought about the conversations as anything else – I purposely only messaged women I was not attracted to – then again, I can’t say that I can think of any women I am attracted to but her – it’s weird but I just have no interest. Well the reason for writing whatever I am writing here is that after Maddison joked asking how M felt about me talking to these women, I replied with something bitter like, “I don’t know she won’t talk to me.” After the shocked reactions that uncomfortably lasted for what felt like over 5 minutes, I followed up with, “and probably nothing because I would like to think she trusts me completely. That night Maddison didn’t even say anything mean because she was so shocked that M wasn’t talking to me. I kept most all of the details to myself because I don’t think it is anyone else’s business but once in a while my heart slips out and spills all over the place. This site is a 7 year running example of that.
I probably don’t tell her anything about the times it has happened before, I usually keep that to myself but this time everyone noticed the way I was acting but I really just felt like I wanted to be alone. Everyone was complaining that I was difficult to be around and well – my response was – then go away. That never happened and the complaints stopped so, I guess I am not an asshole anymore – that’s a nice change. Just give me time. I have a lot of work to do but I continue to try and learn every day.
There’s so much I want to say to her but I am terrified of losing touch. I have a few weeks to think of what I want to do and hopefully we can have the deepest conversation of our lives soon. I just hope that she can put her trust in me.
Today, this song crossed my mind:
This week, I have been working from home because my car messed up last Thursday. I just parked it and didn’t look back – I had no time for bad news. Well, just before 5 PM I see that I have a text and check my phone and it is my aunt telling me that my grandma fell and hit her head and was on her way to the ER but my grandma wanted her to tell me. being stuck at home, trying to remain calm and work became extremely difficult. I didn’t really have any information and I knew that my aunt was busy dealing with that so I tried not to ask too many questions but I was in a panic. I certainly cried on many calls today – quietly but I think something you can tell.
Tomorrow, the 2nd is my grandmother’s wedding anniversary. I am pretty sure that it would be her 74th wedding anniversary but she probably only got to celebrate 51. He passed away a few months before their 52nd, unexpectedly – and I have been terrified of losing her ever since. None of her children thought she would live that long without him. They were so in love and the most positive influence in my life. For every time I have heard, “Damn, you’re pretty normal to come from all that” they have always been the reason. My father’s siblings included but I was a poor trailer trash kid that was barely making it that got to spend the weekends and summers in a very structured environment. It may have lead to plenty of psychological problems, but it wasn’t due to anything that ever happened there – I was very well taken care of. They all knew what my brother and I had to go through and they did everything they could to make sure that we had everything that we needed. My grandpa picked us up from school every Friday to go stay the weekend with them nearly until he passed.
Well, I am crying writing this and really need to get to bed but when I felt like I needed someone, I knew that she would be okay me with me needing a little support. I never expected her to actually read it past seeing it in a notification but she did more than that. I spent a few moments wondering if it was a dream but probably only due to my level of physical exhaustion and possible disbelief. I was actually getting into a U-Haul to drive it when I saw the message come in. I set my phone down nervously – I knew that I had to wait at least a few minutes before jumping to read it. That was hard but I am sure that I waited at least 5. Because – I was driving the U-Haul. When I looked at the notification, I had to screen shot it for that future love story that I am writing. It’s completely in my head but forming more and more every day. Today, during my attempts at being innocent, I used an octopus emoji and a turtle emoji – because how else will I say – all the things I wanted to say.
It wasn’t long before I thought about the irony in this match. How the turtle can hold its breath for many hours and is aquatic, it can not actually stay under the water forever. Then I had to go the other way, I have heard that an octopus can walk on land when it really needs to but it can’t stay out of the water long. It wasn’t long before I was wanting her to read The Little Mermaid to me and I don’t know the Disney version. I never even let my morbid day dreams of the drowning turning drift over to her digitally but I did spend the day writing up an email. There was lots of deleting – I wish I had a type writer so that I could rip the page out of it and crumple it up and throw it across the room each time I start over. Selecting all and deleting all of my words is just less satisfying.
My heart is beating a little different today. I don’t feel so alone. When I was stuck at my house – trying to work, thinking about my grandma in the ER, I was a mess. They sent her straight back and passed up everyone but I guess that is what 89 and 3/4 gets you. I actually can’t think about it at all without crying but I know that she is holding my hand and I am sure that she understands more than I do how important moments like this are. They wanted to keep her overnight because she has a concussion but my aunt didn’t want her staying in the ER with so many sick people – There are nearly 1,000 new cases reported in her county just in that day. It’s so sad that we are afraid of hospitals now – well, I always have been but I am afraid of most things. Like scheduling an appointment with a new doctor – that’s a catch 22 or something. The up side is that my boss thinks I am extremely dedicated when in reality, I am just afraid of getting kicked out of another one of my comfort zones.
On a completely different subject but related to an email that I sent that kind of makes me blush thinking back on it – I wonder if she knows that I haven’t been interested in a single woman since I met her? It’s a confusing fact because I have some self-defeating defense mechanisms and back in 2013 I was a much different person. I did run out to remind myself that people still wanted me. Then I ended up with Maddison because I thought that if I tried hard enough, I would eventually have feelings for someone – which in a way is true, I have plenty of feelings about her but none are romantic and they never were. I can’t find my point but in my email I am pretty sure that I told her that I had been messaging two girls to try to leave her alone. I hope someday she finds out how ridiculously innocent they were. To start with my profile only said friends because is by far all I want – unless our name is that one name, I will make any exception for her.
She is such an artist and with my heart is no exception. When I ended up reading the message that I spent about 20 days checking for, I just stared and read and reread. I told myself that’s not what she means by it. I reminded myself it was no accident and then I just let my weird R&B song that has worked it way into my days.
This is not my normal musical preference but in about middle school, I was all about r&b. There are 2 stations near me and when I hear a song I know, I stop to listen but when this one crossed my radio – it was the first time I could actually understand what the heck Nelly was saying but when I hear songs that speak to me like that, I just freeze – I can’t imagine who is picking out this sound track – they have me.
You win this time Nelly but I don’t plan to be touched by any more of your music.. but tonight, I am.
Then she said words to me. I need to go find her in dreamland. What will be the next 20 year old song that I ‘hear’ for the first time?
The last one was live and still has me slightly beside myself when I think about the way I felt as I understood the lyrics in the hardest way possible.
Sometimes I wonder about the subliminal messages that music has embedded in me: no reason.
To think:
I woke up one morning in the beginning of August and thought about how bad tomorrow would hurt when she took a phone break for his birthday. I don’t know what day that was but I know it was in the first week of August.
Little did I know, that soon, I would start round (I have lost count) of do my best to control emotions and imagination.
Tonight I saw the uhaul in front of their house and it was so painful.
I softly through two of my snowflake obsidian rocks towards it but i don’t think they even made it past the street. I was hoping that she would at least see one of them while she was moving and think of me. I miss her more than I can allow myself to feel – because it is just too much.
I chose to throw those to her because I read that it’s a highly protective and grounding stone and I was hoping that it would help remove negative energy.
When I spend too long asking myself why she said she was going to move in with me and the suddenly changed her mind – I think that all of the change was too much for her right now. I think that she realizes that I will wait around for her and be there unconditionally where as if she did leave and change her mind, I am sure that it could be hard to retract that decision but I actually know nothing about their relationship because I try to avoid it at all costs.
If I worry that I will not know where she is and that scares me if she ever ends up needing me – I trust that she knows that I can figure it out if I need to. It might take me a little time but when I realized that he lived here, I wasn’t seeking it out – at all, but it fell in my lap – and I told her immediately, by email. Well – that was many years ago and now she is moving away on his birthday, symbolism that i can not stand.
I really struggle with math that doesn’t add up ..
When this song was popular, it was nearly as popular as the macarena. Its weird to think of a generation that didn’t have to skate to that. I promise not to post Wanna Be by the Spice Girls but I will throw in one more from that era.
I was watching The Craft way too much this year. Avoiding both of those songs like the plague. It will be a few more years before I actually kiss a girl – but it’s steadily approaching. Does this sound like middle school dances to everyone?
It is no secret that I flock to the hippy type girls. I may have no idea what they are talking about but I sure want to. The problem is, when they tell me to go read something, I do – until it freaks me out. Then I stop and decide that I don’t like that part. Decide this is different and well, we are already past that part. Well today, a former co worker, posts a the below and gets my attention. I start commenting with other people and she posts this video after explaining a few things. Well – I have an Offspring song for this but if she is my twin flame, I am honored to take every bit of pain I can for her. I wonder when she will realize that second to a hopeless romantic, I am somewhat masochistic in a very non sexual way – mental and physical pain are just a part of life – I am not afraid of them even if I cry like a baby the entire time.
She words shadow work keep coming up with me lately. My friend Nikki, joined me for karaoke last night and she pointed me to some reading that she thought would benefit me. The word trauma sure gets thrown around a lot in my research.
I am about to schedule an appointment with a new doctor at some fancy wellness center – that’s where my shadow work will start (I haven’t really read much so I have no damn clue like normal).
Lately, I have been craving the strangest thing. I have dreams that she is reading a book to me and I don’t even know what book yet but it keeps going. All I want to do is bury myself in the story just to listen to her voice. She is ridiculously sweet to me throughout the dream – nearly child like.
As stupid as it is, I never even get this shit, even though I think about it all day for days until I actually type it out. It wasn’t even that long ago that I popped off with, “What are daddy issues anyway?” when a blunt friend explained it very clearly. It went something like:
“Well, a lot of people have absent fathers. (Pause) You know how you and your brother have mommy issues, well its like that but with guys”
I don’t think that they meant to be so offensive but it was like someone punched me in the stomach. I actually wanted to start crying and ask if I really felt like this because my mom left me when I was so little. I know it still makes my dad cry if it ever comes up but somehow I was a hardened child and didn’t really think I cared but I knew what the alternate was so I was okay with her being gone – but I guess that was the older years. Anyway – I guess I have abandonment issues and now beautiful women that are nice to me have to deal with it. That’s certainly not something I am going to stand for. I will not be the abusive side of the twin flame or anything else, so here I am scheduling an appointment at some new place that will scan my brain and shit and give me medicine and therapy. I am sure I will hate it but I am committed to not being that asshole or an asshole at all. and.. I tried retaking my medicine on my own and have been sick as shit for days so if anyone is curious, I am not a qualified doctor.. Weird.
So there you have it on why I need to be a better person and go learn what shadow work is so that I can do it because I am not someone that will abandon her just because life is difficult. I welcome it. I may cry, but I will face our demons and try to keep them all on my side, because, I will find a way to be a protector somehow.. the right way.
Also, I am starting to get kind of hungry – have plenty of food but this weird thing happens. Someone told me it was autism but I don’t really know about that, it’s not all of the time. But between my medicine and everything else I just can’t eat and when I do, I can barely finish my plate. I just look at it, pick at it and then eventually let it get cold and throw it away.
This is when bean and cheese tacos from taco c come in handy but i have had those a few times. Carnation cookies and cream breakfast has been helping – I think, is this more than sugar? I am not sure. I know someone’s mom that probably not approve. However I am cold a lot now. When I shiver randomly this late at night, I go to turn the AC up and its already at 75. I wonder if she is falling asleep right now. I wonder if she is cold. I try not to wonder too hard because I need to keep my words on this side of 35 – and I am failing miserably.
As for my movie clip of the day, today, it was Oliver Twist, when I jokingly told Tamlyn that I was going to send the lady a message saying: Please Sir, May I have some more
It was after she had messaged her crush saying “excuse me sir” so I quickly retorted that I was going to start addressing M that way exclusively. and well, it morphed into a sad little orphan.
and if you must know how deeply seeding things can be, is when I see this, I am taken back to a paper cut out of a little news boy and the conversation that surrounded it. damn, I don’t even know how to explain that I am ridiculously into her masculine side in a unfamiliar way.
And one last thing, since this post seems to touch on metaphysics or whatever it may be called, I feel like this is a good place to write that when I asked her to pull a card for me the day that i got the message from M, she pulled the empress which was followed by a lot of uncomfortable questions that I answered matter factly as if I would even know.
She strayed away from the subject when she noticed that i wasnt handling the conversation well. She shifted into statements like it was a fluid card and it didnt necessarily mean that it could be symbolic. Then she said, well. it could be a reversed empress – and well, i havent a clue what that means but she showed me a list of things. It seemed pretty telling except the one I was avoiding. I ignored it for days and eventually asked her if this had anything to do with babies, but it was on IG and she doesnt read my messages anymore and I am sure that I have since deleted it or it has at least buried itself in good mornings and goodnights.
and lastly, on a person and knowingly weak note: I tried to start taking my medicine again and it made me so very sick. I just want to be held now.. and I wont even let myself day dream of being cuddled up to her. I sure wish I had an imagination that would just let me cuddle up to anyone, but no, I actually just want permission to day dream. If he only knew.
the easier it is to see inside
outside the glass
the whole world is magnifiedand it’s half an inch
from here to the other side
I have yet to mention the shift in all the random ass memes and shit I have been seeing. Talk about my poems suddenly shifting from in love to devastated, how can accounts that I am following even do that?
This here was posted by some random human that I actually don’t know but I just had to save it somewhere – you know, in case I needed the perfect outline for any future letters. This is not some weird confession that I am bisexual, but don’t think I haven’t considered trying it several times over if it meant that I was treated like a normal human, but that all stems back to something old, from a post a read – that, I just don’t think goes on anymore, but as you can imagine, I never even asked.
But anyway.. this is my life and why I can’t have real friends. Well, it’s not like I do this often, but when I do – her boyfriend tells her to tell me to go fuck the right off.. it’s complicated..
I started taking my medicine again, because – I clearly need it and maybe it does something.
I have had a few movies on my mind. Tonight as I wrote her an email telling her about how I just wanted to know her – as it is part of something to us – I was reminded of a movie that I saw long ago that reminded me of our situation. My brother likes to call her my internet girlfriend that I met IRL.
Something got me thinking about what I would do if I ever did see something going on. Its a sad truth that most people laugh when the think about me protecting anyone. Well, in that moment, a scene from back to the future comes to mind and I keep replaying those moments in my mind.
Well, my arm would probably just get broken but – whats what the 90s taught me.
Then the 2000s followed with
You mean the time-thing? That’s just a detail.